Stop me if you’ve heard this one — what did one doughy fairy say to the other doughy fairy after they both lost the same contest? If you guessed something like “meow” or “hiss,” you’re getting warmer. American Idol runner up Clay Aiken has gotten his claws out so he can bat them menacingly in fellow American Idol runner up Adam Lambert’s direction. Clay wrote on his official website:

Now that it’s all over, and for the record…. I couldn’t be happier about the way AI ended this year. I happened to turn it during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing “Ring of Fire” and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed. Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening! I wasn’t really a fan and found myself surprised whenever folks told me that they liked him. Just not my cup of tea at all. But Idol is not always a matter of musical taste only. It’s about the person you like. From what little I saw, Kris seemed likable. When Ruben and I were standing next to each other every night you had two equally talented, equally unlikely, equally unpolished contestants. However, this year, there was an obvious bias.

In my opinion, it all often comes down to that last night of voting. Until the finale, folks are voting for the contestant that they want to see continue. But, I believe that on that last night, the dynamic changes. No longer forced to choose one person that they want to see win, the audience can effectively vote AGAINST the person that they don’t want to see win. There may have been some folks who voted for myself or Ruben because they didn’t like the other of us. I was the nerdy little girly boy who some didn’t want to see win, so they may have voted for Ruben. But again, I feel that Ruben and I were fairly matched. The show was different then, and folks made it in seasons 1-3 because they were “real” people who happened to sing/entertain well.

I think many were turned off by the blatant favoritism shown towards one contestant. Therefore, on that last night, they used their votes against a contestant that they were tired of hearing about and for the contestant who had been written off… they voted AGAINST an American Idol that has, for four years now, been more about the slick productions and polished contestants than it has been about finding the raw talent that it did in its first three seasons. They were votes that said “we’re tired of seeing contestants who already seem to know it all. Enough with the pretention. More Rubens, more Clays, more Fantasias and Tamyras and Kellys please.” My faith has always been in the voters. It’s now up to American Idol to decide if it will finally REALLY listen to the folks that keep it on the air.

That was waaaay too fucking long to actually read, so with the help my trusty Bitchy Bitter Queen-ese dictionary, I managed to condense it all down to one line. It seems what Clay was trying to say was, “I’d only let that guy bareback me if I’d already had seven appletinis and he brought the meth!” Those gays sure have a way with words.