In the wake of his public cheating scandal, pro golfer Tiger Woods has decided to take an indefinite leave from the game that made him famous. He said in the statement (via Yahoo News):

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What’s most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.

After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period.

You know, you could draw a lot of parallels between him and the late golf great Ben Hogan, who also took an indefinite leave from golf following a car accident. Only Ben’s leave was the result of a double-fracture of the pelvis, a fractured collar bone, a fractured ankle and chipped ribs after throwing himself across his wife Valerie in order to protect her in a head-on collision with a Greyhound bus, and Tiger’s was more of a “running away from his wife in a Vicodin-induced stupor because he was fucking everything with a pussy between here and San Bernadino.” Just leave out the whores and the booze and the lying and it’s practically the same freakin’ story.

After months of dismal ratings and rumors of cancellation, TLC has confirmed that “Jon and Kate Plus Eight” will now officially become “Kate Plus 8.” I guess “Cunty McBeaverson Rules the Roost” really didn’t resonate with test audiences. TLC said in an official statement (via the New York Post):

“Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family. The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers. [As for Jon], he will continue to appear on the show, but on a less regular basis.”

Wow, can you say “snoozefest 2009?” Because I can’t. On account of the my soft palate and hard palate not fusing together when I was born. It mostly just comes out as a lot of hissing and spit.

Scarlett Johansson’s Mango ads because they’re sexy and Kate’s not: