Levi McConaughey makes his debut appearance on the cover of this week’s OK! Magazine, along with Daddy Matthew and Mommy Camila. Matthew was in the room with Camila during the delivery, and was more than happy to divulge all the birthing details:

“We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music. We were jamming! She was sweating. No painkiller, let’s go. She just clicked into that gear that only a woman has at a time like this. [I said,] ‘Let’s handle this… let’s stay in the rhythm. Don’t let the contraction be more than you.’”

I can’t think of anything worse for the birthing experience than Matthew McConaughey “going tribal” in between my legs while a seven pound larva tries to rip its way out of my vagina. Maybe Robin Williams with a kazoo doing the Duttywine in between my legs while a seven pound larva rips its way out of my vagina, but it’s a distant second.

Jessica Alba whores out debuts little Honor Marie Warren in this week’s issue of OK! and opens up (ha ha) about the whole birthing process:

“I didn’t scream,” Jessica tells OK! “It was really Zen. The labor was more like meditation. I did yoga breathing. I was focused.”

And Cash could only marvel at his wife’s quiet strength when she gave birth. “She didn’t make a sound,” he says. “It was amazing.”

Then he added, “Except for the part right before she crowned and her vagina started bulging like it was being inflated with a bicycle pump or something and her perineum tore straight down to her anus and blood and mucous started gushing everywhere and she crapped herself. Yeah, that part wasn’t so much ‘amazing’ as it was ‘vomit-inducing and life-time scarring.’” Then he gave a nervous little laugh and grabbed the camera by the lens and whispered, “For God’s sake, man, if the doctor asks if you want to see the placenta, just start running the other direction. Run fast. Run far. Trust me on this one.”

For a woman who claims she’s so over Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards sure seems desperate for details about his May 30th wedding to Brooke Mueller. MSNBC says

The former Mrs. Sheen personally phoned the OK! magazine offices for an advance copy of this week’s issue, which features Sheen’s wedding on the cover. “She was feverishly trying to get her hands on a copy. She wanted to prepare herself for what she was going to see on the newsstands,” said the source.

Richards did photo shoots with OK! both during and after her marriage to Sheen.

I thought the trailer for the new movie “The Women” really embodied the sad pathetic-ness of the whole situation. “The Women” is about four friends — Annette Bening, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Meg Ryan and Debra Messing — who band together when Meg’s husband is caught cheating with a perfume girl (Eva Mendes). It’s like they took the projected demographic for “Sex and the City” and then took away the sex, added twenty or so pounds, a bitter divorce, bunions, and an undying love for Oprah and all things jersey knit to equation. Factor in the numbers of screens in the mid-west and symbol π and you’ve got yourself a bonafide formula for “dumpy middle-aged divorce movie magic.” You can’t forget the π, though. It’s one of the most important mathematical constants. And also because lonely overweight divorcees really like pie. They get pretty angry when they don’t have it.

People Magazine is rumored to have paid six million dollars for the rights to publish the exclusive first pics of JLo’s twins here in the U.S., but OK! magazine was only interested in securing the international publishing rights for the shots of the babies. Why would a tabloid magazine giant pass on the publishing rights to the largest tabloid market in the world? Well, to be honest, because Jennifer Lopez sucks. MSNBC says

One magazine industry insider said that frankly, Lopez’ appeal in the U.S. isn’t as broad as many people — including Lopez — would like to think. “Look at her track record with her movies, and look at her album sales. The U.S. market hasn’t been fascinated with her in some time. It makes more sense to not spend a fortune on photos that won’t cause a noticeable increase on the newsstand. This just isn’t going to sell like Shiloh (Jolie-Pitt), and $6 million is a lot of money.”

I remember a time when Bennifer was king and Britney Spears wasn’t on the cover of ever tabloid magazine known to man. Jenny From The Block’s manufactured dance tunes played on every pop music radio station and you couldn’t turn around without being slapped in the face with a new JLo fragrance or clothing venture. Like Dickens said, it was the worst of times. That’s why I always refer to 2001 as “The Year of the Devil.” That, and it’s the same year George Bush came into office and they canceled “Cleopatra 2525” and “The Tick.” That’s got the stink of Satan all over it.

Model Ana Beatriz Barros modeling for JLo’s accessory line because JLo is fat and boring: