There’s a reason Chico’s and Coldwater Creek don’t sell string bikinis, people. See Exhibit A: Sharon Stone on the beach in Venice. Gross. Once you hit the half-a-decade mark, you have no business EVER showing your midsection in public. Put that shit under a caftan and stuff it in some support hose and a pair of orthopedic shoes where it belongs.

Mischa Barton must not have been feeling well enough to attend the Women for Women International Gala in London, so her mom was nice enough to stand in for her. Oh, wait. My bad–that’s actually 26-year-old Mischa Barton in the flesh. Specifically, 45-year-old looking flesh.

I thought it was ironic that Pamela Anderson would show up in leather to a PETA event, but it turns out that’s actually just her skin. I wonder how many PETA activists flour-bombed her before they finally realized their gaffe.

In Berlin with camel toe:

True love can spring anywhere, which in the case for Jerry Lee Lewis, was in the midst of sponge-baths, colonics and Ben-Gay. Ah, l’amore! Says Digital Spy,

Jerry Lee Lewis has got married for the seventh time at the age of 76.

The ‘Great Balls of Fire’ singer secretly tied the knot with his caregiver Judith Brown in Natchez, Mississippi on March 9.

His plans to marry Brown were so secret that his live-in daughter Phoebe was unaware of the wedding, reports People.

Brown is 14 years younger than Lewis, and was previously married to his cousin Rusty.

Jerry Lee Lewis first married in the early 1950s to Dorothy Barton, before causing huge controversy in 1957, when he married then-13-year-old Myra Gale Brown, who was also his cousin once removed. They ended their marriage 13 years later.

Lewis’s sixth marriage to Kerrie McCarver ended in 2004 after 20 years together.

There’s all sorts of fucked-up in that paragraph. But I guess you can’t blame him. He was born in the South, and there it’s natural for blood relations to also be sexual relations.

Jenna-Louise Coleman at the premiere of “Titanic 3D”, because she’s not some gross old man:

I had a doll with a face like Tori Spelling’s once. Of course, it wasn’t supposed to look like that. My evil little brother had already started cooking her in the microwave for about half a minute before I was able to rescue her. Unfortunately for Tori, no one rescued her from getting plastic surgery.

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Being mistaken for 56-year old Donatella Versace when you’re 24 is bad enough, but now even the people who are paid to follow Lindsay Lohan around and take her picture all day can’t tell the difference between her and 66-year-old Debbie Harry. The Daily Mail says:

Leaving her New York hotel yesterday, the Blondie frontwoman was mistaken for Lindsay Lohan, 25, by the throng of photographers outside. It was only when the paparazzi got a close-up, they realized it was actually a celebrity 41 years older.

Harry and Lohan are both staying at the Mercer Hotel in SoHo.

The only way to tell the difference between Lindsay Lohan and Debby Harry is the scent of Astroglide and regret that clings to Lindsay like an unrepentant fart cloud wherever she goes. But if you’re close enough to be within smelling range, there’s a good chance she’s already mounted you and moved on.

Shopping at Barneys with sister Ali:

It seems every day brings with it a new story illustrating just how pathetic Demi Moore has become in her desperate attempts to cling to youth. Case in point: Remember that party with the penis birthday cake? Demi does too, because she “secretly” was there. Hint: If you have to secretly attend a party, that could be a sign that you shouldn’t be there. Just a thought. Says TMZ,

Multiple sources who were at Club Icon on January 14 tell us … Demi was hanging out with her daughter Rumer and some young friends … mostly kickin’ it in the VIP section.

We’re told Demi was drinking Red Bull all night … a drink she’s been obsessively sucking down for years. We’re told she left with Rumer sometime after midnight.

A few days later, Demi was seen clubbing with Rumer around Hollywood … and on January 23rd, she was hospitalized after inhaling nitrous oxide in the form of whip-its, a drug that’s super popular with high school kids.

I feel bad for Rumer. I mean, it’s gotta be tough to have a mom who wants to tag along with you and your friends. They probably talk shit about her, and Rumer probably has to make excuses for her. It could be worse, though. They should be glad that their company is all that she’s after. She could looking to assimilate their organs and fluids in order to regenerate.

Vanessa Hudgens and Rachel McAdams at the premiere of Journey 2: The Mysterious Island:

You probably just assumed that Maddona was trying to hide old lady hands with those stupid-looking fingerless gloves, but the real reason she’s wearing them is because it makes gripping the necks of young virgins easier when it’s time for her to feast again. Plus I’m sure all that placenta she coats herself in makes it damn near impossible to turn a knob or open a car door. Anybody that’s given birth will tell you that shit is slick.

At the premiere of her new stinkbomb “W.E.”:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Despite being about 10 years away from possibly crapping his pants, Robert De Niro has become a father again at the ripe old age of 68. Being around to see your child graduate high school is so overrated.  The Daily Mail says:

The Oscar-winner and wife Grace Hightower De Niro, 56, welcomed their daughter through a surrogate mother, Entertainment Tonight reports.
The baby, whom they’ve named Helen Grace Hightower, weighed in at 7 pounds, 2 ounces.

They also have a 13-year-old son, Elliot.

De Niro has four other children – daughter Drena, 40, and son Raphael, 35, with former wife Diahnne Abbott, as well as 16-year-old twin sons Julian and Aaron, born via surrogate with ex-girlfriend Toukie Smith.

The couple have been been married for almost 14 years but are rarely photographed together, choosing to keep their relationship out of the spotlight.

So basically he’s old enough to be his child’s grandfather. Who cares if he’ll be dead before the kid reaches 30. There’s a reason that women go through menopause–it’s nature’s way of telling couples that it’s time to close up shop. Flipping nature the bird by using rent-a-womb isn’t the answer. Messing with the natural order of things rarely is a good thing. See Joan River’s face, Seth Brundel, and that drunken night with your cousin. 

Sofia Vergara in a bikini in Mexico, because geriatrics don’t do it for me.

Remember when Matthew Broderick was the epitome of authority-defying cool? It’s amazing what 25 years and being married to the witch from Hansel and Gretel will do to you. Now he looks a drool line short of riding the short bus and making crafts at adult day care.

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Despite what the arm bruise and trailer park makeup suggest, this is not one of those Faces of Meth photos. It’s Kirsten Dunst at the L.A. Times Young Hollywood Panel today. I’m just glad somebody finally had the foresight to harness the titty-flattening prowess of a butcher’s smock and turn it into a dress. It’s really been a long time coming.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Lady Gaga left her London hotel for the ITV studios today wearing a see-through dress and what appeared to be a pair of Mr. Potato Head glasses that a giant dog worked over for thirty minutes. On the plus side, though, the glasses help keep you from noticing her tits right away. It’s like someone filled two stretched-out old gym socks full of vanilla pudding and draped them over her shoulders.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures