It seems every day brings with it a new story illustrating just how pathetic Demi Moore has become in her desperate attempts to cling to youth. Case in point: Remember that party with the penis birthday cake? Demi does too, because she “secretly” was there. Hint: If you have to secretly attend a party, that could be a sign that you shouldn’t be there. Just a thought. Says TMZ,

Multiple sources who were at Club Icon on January 14 tell us … Demi was hanging out with her daughter Rumer and some young friends … mostly kickin’ it in the VIP section.

We’re told Demi was drinking Red Bull all night … a drink she’s been obsessively sucking down for years. We’re told she left with Rumer sometime after midnight.

A few days later, Demi was seen clubbing with Rumer around Hollywood … and on January 23rd, she was hospitalized after inhaling nitrous oxide in the form of whip-its, a drug that’s super popular with high school kids.

I feel bad for Rumer. I mean, it’s gotta be tough to have a mom who wants to tag along with you and your friends. They probably talk shit about her, and Rumer probably has to make excuses for her. It could be worse, though. They should be glad that their company is all that she’s after. She could looking to assimilate their organs and fluids in order to regenerate.

Vanessa Hudgens and Rachel McAdams at the premiere of Journey 2: The Mysterious Island:

You probably just assumed that Maddona was trying to hide old lady hands with those stupid-looking fingerless gloves, but the real reason she’s wearing them is because it makes gripping the necks of young virgins easier when it’s time for her to feast again. Plus I’m sure all that placenta she coats herself in makes it damn near impossible to turn a knob or open a car door. Anybody that’s given birth will tell you that shit is slick.

At the premiere of her new stinkbomb “W.E.”:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Despite being about 10 years away from possibly crapping his pants, Robert De Niro has become a father again at the ripe old age of 68. Being around to see your child graduate high school is so overrated.  The Daily Mail says:

The Oscar-winner and wife Grace Hightower De Niro, 56, welcomed their daughter through a surrogate mother, Entertainment Tonight reports.
The baby, whom they’ve named Helen Grace Hightower, weighed in at 7 pounds, 2 ounces.

They also have a 13-year-old son, Elliot.

De Niro has four other children – daughter Drena, 40, and son Raphael, 35, with former wife Diahnne Abbott, as well as 16-year-old twin sons Julian and Aaron, born via surrogate with ex-girlfriend Toukie Smith.

The couple have been been married for almost 14 years but are rarely photographed together, choosing to keep their relationship out of the spotlight.

So basically he’s old enough to be his child’s grandfather. Who cares if he’ll be dead before the kid reaches 30. There’s a reason that women go through menopause–it’s nature’s way of telling couples that it’s time to close up shop. Flipping nature the bird by using rent-a-womb isn’t the answer. Messing with the natural order of things rarely is a good thing. See Joan River’s face, Seth Brundel, and that drunken night with your cousin. 

Sofia Vergara in a bikini in Mexico, because geriatrics don’t do it for me.

Remember when Matthew Broderick was the epitome of authority-defying cool? It’s amazing what 25 years and being married to the witch from Hansel and Gretel will do to you. Now he looks a drool line short of riding the short bus and making crafts at adult day care.

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Despite what the arm bruise and trailer park makeup suggest, this is not one of those Faces of Meth photos. It’s Kirsten Dunst at the L.A. Times Young Hollywood Panel today. I’m just glad somebody finally had the foresight to harness the titty-flattening prowess of a butcher’s smock and turn it into a dress. It’s really been a long time coming.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Lady Gaga left her London hotel for the ITV studios today wearing a see-through dress and what appeared to be a pair of Mr. Potato Head glasses that a giant dog worked over for thirty minutes. On the plus side, though, the glasses help keep you from noticing her tits right away. It’s like someone filled two stretched-out old gym socks full of vanilla pudding and draped them over her shoulders.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

It only cost twenty bucks to hang with Heidi Montag and her husband Spencer Pratt at her birthday party at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas over the weekend, which we can all agree is nineteen dollars and ninety-nine cents too much. Bitch looks like she’s aged two decades in the last two years. Even the Nazi who drank from the wrong grail inside the temple in the Canyon of the Crescent Moon didn’t age that fast.

25 pounds heavier at her 25th birthday party:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Sarah Jessica Parker and her hideously veiny hands left the comforts of her gingerbread house in the woods for the soggy streets of London yesterday, where she is currently promoting her film “I Don’t Know How She Does It.” I haven’t seen the movie, so I don’t know what exactly the “it” she does is, but I bet it has something to do with her ability to stir a bubbling cauldron and wield a scythe at the same time. It’s probably a lot harder than it looks.

I don’t know what’s happened to her face, but Cameron Diaz looks like an extra from the set of “The Garbage Pail Kids Movie” in these pictures. Good thing The State Home for the Ugly isn’t real, or she would have been butchered for sure. I’m sure Valerie Vomit and Acne Amy send their kind regards.

Shooting “Gambit” with Colin Firth:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

It’s a good thing that Pam Anderson’s boyfriend is an electrician, because it looks like she’ll need to have her internal battery re-charged, and possibly have her whole system rewired–oh hell, she needs a complete overhaul. But I’m sure that’s okay with Mr. Boyfriend, as long as he gets to put his male connector into her outlet.

Shopping for spare parts in Malibu:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

You know, there’s way too many hot women posted on this site. You lose perspective. You take it for granted. You start to think that everyone can look like Sofia Vergara or Kelly Brook. That’s why you need to look at these pictures of Roseanne Barr in a swimsuit as a type of penance for taking the good for granted. Call it a visual self-flagellation of sorts. If you really feel penitent you can click on the thumbnails below for that extra measure of misery.

Take your punishment!

The last time I saw this much sexy, it was inside a dive bar and serving me drinks. I call it an “It” since it was so encrusted with makeup and the patina of years of cigarette smoke exposure that I’m not sure it was still quite a woman. At least I only had to give the thing in the bar a few bucks in a tip; who knows how much they’re still paying Kate Moss for photoshoots. I’d tell them, next time, just visit your local bar. It would be so much more affordable.

In Rio de Janeiro for an upcoming Brazilian Vogue photoshoot. I hope their Photoshop artists are warming up.

Photo source: Fame Pictures