Page Six asks this morning, “Are Pamela Anderson’s famous looks fading?” I think it’s pretty safe to say they were being completely sarcastic. Bitch looks like she got walloped with the business end of the ugly stick. Page Six adds:

At [Pam's] fragrance launch in Miami, her manager demanded that photographers shoot her only with a “ring flash,” which eliminates shadows and imperfections. [Several] celebrity lensman argued that the flash requires a large battery pack and slows the job, [so Anderson's manager] then banned [them] and all others without a ring flash from Saturday’s Make-A-Wish Ball. Several photographers boycotted the charity event [over Anderson's ring-flash demands].

I don’t think a couple of fancy flash bulbs are gonna magically to turn back the clock twenty years and suddenly convince everyone that Pamela Anderson is beautiful again. It’s be like dumping a teaspoon of water on a gasoline fire or making a hooker put her teeth back in after giving you a blowjob. Look, we’ve been to the puppet show, we’ve seen the strings. The damage is already done, baby. You ain’t foolin’ anybody with that shit.

Looking pregnant last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with Pamela Anderson, but chances are good she can turn milk into yogurt just by looking at it now. You could cross a rubber mask with syphilis and get something more believably human.

Leaving the ‘Whisky Mist’ night club in Mayfair:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Yowza! The last time I saw knees this sexy, I was at the elephant exhibit at the zoo! Now, I have no problem whatsoever with women showing their age. I just don’t get how someone who’s 53 has knees like she’s 73. I don’t think even my grandmother has knees like that, and she’s been deceased 27 years. Have they been subjected to excessive wear and tear?Hint, hint. Well, she’s in show business, isn’t she? I think that about answers the question.

God. Damn. Lindsay Lohan is only 23 years old. 23! In human years! Is there a clock that runs backwards nearby or something? It’s like Indiana Jones’ girlfriend in Raiders of the Lost Ark and Mary-Kate Olsen had a really ugly old woman baby, only instead of raising it in a New Orleans assisted living facility, they coated it in bacon rinds and fed it methamphetamines and scabs from the knees of truck stop hookers. They could call this version “The Curious Case of Benjamin’s Butthole.” Othewise it’s just copyright infringement.

At the Inglourious Bastards afterparty in New York:

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News

It’s nice to see Cruella de Ville sans her usual fur coat and opera length red gloves. So many of our cartoon villainesses get caught in the proverbial “fashion rut,” as it were. Hello — Maleficent, anyone? Someone really ought to tell her that horned headdresses and sorceress capes are so 17th century.

Cruella with Melanie Griffith in West Hollywood yesterday:

I used to have a crush on Bono since I was like, 7 years old. He’s 5 years younger than my parents but man oh man, the years have not been kind to him. So I am sorry to say that my crush has officially ended, Mr. Paul David Hewson, due to you starting to resemble either Popeye or a leprechaun, I’m not sure which, but both decidedly do not make me hot. You’ve also gotten increasingly self-righteous and preachy and I let that slide because I thought you were Older But Still Hot, but those days are long gone. Thanks for the memories, now go away.

Leaving the Claridges Hotel in London

Ali Lohan posed for Jonathan Ressler’s ‘Extraordinary Women Exhibit’ in Times Square yesterday, presumably right next to a train station where a grieved watchmaker had built a clock that ran backwards. She looks like she could be 30 years old, and she’s only fourteen. Soft cheeses don’t age that fast.

In Slavic oral tradition, Baba Yaga always lived deep in the forest in a log cabin that moved abount on a pair of dancing chicken legs. In real life, Baba Yaga lives in the Pacific Palisades with an actor named Kurt Russell. She might have traded in her mortar and pestle for a pair of orthopedic shoes, but that Goldie Hawn doesn’t fool me for a minute. I know a witch when I see one!