It only cost twenty bucks to hang with Heidi Montag and her husband Spencer Pratt at her birthday party at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas over the weekend, which we can all agree is nineteen dollars and ninety-nine cents too much. Bitch looks like she’s aged two decades in the last two years. Even the Nazi who drank from the wrong grail inside the temple in the Canyon of the Crescent Moon didn’t age that fast.

25 pounds heavier at her 25th birthday party:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Sarah Jessica Parker and her hideously veiny hands left the comforts of her gingerbread house in the woods for the soggy streets of London yesterday, where she is currently promoting her film “I Don’t Know How She Does It.” I haven’t seen the movie, so I don’t know what exactly the “it” she does is, but I bet it has something to do with her ability to stir a bubbling cauldron and wield a scythe at the same time. It’s probably a lot harder than it looks.

I don’t know what’s happened to her face, but Cameron Diaz looks like an extra from the set of “The Garbage Pail Kids Movie” in these pictures. Good thing The State Home for the Ugly isn’t real, or she would have been butchered for sure. I’m sure Valerie Vomit and Acne Amy send their kind regards.

Shooting “Gambit” with Colin Firth:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

It’s a good thing that Pam Anderson’s boyfriend is an electrician, because it looks like she’ll need to have her internal battery re-charged, and possibly have her whole system rewired–oh hell, she needs a complete overhaul. But I’m sure that’s okay with Mr. Boyfriend, as long as he gets to put his male connector into her outlet.

Shopping for spare parts in Malibu:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

You know, there’s way too many hot women posted on this site. You lose perspective. You take it for granted. You start to think that everyone can look like Sofia Vergara or Kelly Brook. That’s why you need to look at these pictures of Roseanne Barr in a swimsuit as a type of penance for taking the good for granted. Call it a visual self-flagellation of sorts. If you really feel penitent you can click on the thumbnails below for that extra measure of misery.

Take your punishment!

The last time I saw this much sexy, it was inside a dive bar and serving me drinks. I call it an “It” since it was so encrusted with makeup and the patina of years of cigarette smoke exposure that I’m not sure it was still quite a woman. At least I only had to give the thing in the bar a few bucks in a tip; who knows how much they’re still paying Kate Moss for photoshoots. I’d tell them, next time, just visit your local bar. It would be so much more affordable.

In Rio de Janeiro for an upcoming Brazilian Vogue photoshoot. I hope their Photoshop artists are warming up.

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Either Ivana Trump has grown a penis, or she’s wearing the swimming version of Oops! I Crapped My Pants. Whatever the case, I’m considering spending my Friday night gouging my eyes out.

In St. Barth:

What the overly-tanned hell is this? At first glance I thought this was Joan Collins caught in dark lighting or something. But it turns out to be Snooki looking like a goddammed Disney villain. I can only hope that develops hemophilia and pricks her finger on a stray thorn in that bouquet and bleeds to death. I’ve never even seen that show and I detest her. Can you imagine how much more I would hate her if I did? Coming back to the Joan Collins thing, I’d like to suggest a new show for her: Die-Nasty.

Her Royal Stumpiness at David Letterman (bet she bought herself the roses):

Brooke Shields looked a little long in the jowl at “The Tourist” premiere last night. I had to look twice just to make sure she wasn’t Hagrid’s dog in Harry Potter. But I knew it was her once I saw that hideous blouse. Fang would never be caught dead in such an unflattering neutral!

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Here’s the luscious Christina Hendricks at the LA premiere of  Devil and unbelievably lucky bastard Geoffrey Arend. Unfortunately her dress makes her look less like “smoking hot vixen” and more like “chain-smoking Grandma”. Seriously, what the hell is that? It breaks my heart to see her boobs so badly represented. That dress makes them look like they’re sagging around her waist.  There’s plenty of time for that when she gets older, but right now she better get her act together dress up them girls to their best advantage!

This is what happens when Madonna cuts the placenta and virgin blood from her diet. She’d probably do a whole lot better just sticking to Atkins.

Because human souls aren’t high in carbs:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I’m pretty sure that’s the chick that played Mrs. Havisham in Dick Inn’s “Great Sexpectations: A Tale of Two Titties.” The version they make you read in high school isn’t nearly as entertaining.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin