Last week reports of child abuse in the Oprah’s private school for impoverished African girls — the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls in South Africa — hit the news media, and no one was more shocked than the talk show queen herself. The NY Daily News reports

“I was, needless to say, devastated and really shaken to my core when I first heard this news. I spent about a half an hour crying,” an emotional Winfrey revealed Monday. “I am a mama bear when it comes to protecting my children. These girls are like my children. That’s not just rhetoric for me. I am prepared to do whatever is necessary to make sure that the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls becomes the safe, the nurturing setting that I had envisioned - a place capable of fostering these girls’ productivity, creativity and humanity. It will become a model for the world.”

Winfrey said she waited to fully discuss the scandal until after dorm matron Tiny Virginia Makopo, 27, was formally charged… with indecent assault, assault and criminal injury against six students ages 13 to 15, and a 23-year-old fellow dormitory matron. [Oprah] hired investigators who spent a week talking to the students before local cops were brought in. Winfrey plans to give each and everyone of the 152 girls a cell phone with her number on speed dial. Winfrey admitted the screening process for the dorm matrons was “inadequate, also said that many changes would be made at the school.”

I think the real problem is that Oprah never had talking vagina puppets on her show. Not one. Tyra Banks knows that nothing staves off the sex predators like a good puss-puppet! That’s probably why they sell them at porn shops and Star Trek conventions. I personally keep three on my person at all times for emergencies. All kinds of emergencies, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge! You know, like when I can’t find a coozy for my bottle of gin or my husband won’t let me go to sleep. Problem solved!

Matthew McConaughey told Oprah Winfrey he has a new dog to replace Ms. Hud, the faithful pet he toured America with for 12 years. A snarky guy like me never cry, but I was almost in tears when I heard the story of Ms. Hud:

“Ms Hud, that’s a good woman there… I got her in a pound in Tucson, Arizona, 12 years ago and cancer got her. We went on a road trip from California to Florida and back. She got diagnosed with cancer in Louisiana on the way east. We got her leg amputated on the way back. We went for swims in the river… in Texas, and then we made it back, and the night she got me back home she fell off the bed and looked up and was like, ‘Hey man… I need a little help.’ I took her to the hospital that morning and her hind legs were paralysed… The doctor said, ‘We’ve amputated hind legs before but that’s with dogs who have two front legs.’ He and I looked at each other and I said, ‘Ms Hud, do you wanna be a one-legged dog?’ and she looks up and she says, ‘Let me move on, Pop,’ so we let her move on.”

This story reminded me of my dog Sparky. The cute little beast had no hind legs and balls of steel.

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