Oprah’s big secret will finally be revealed on her show today: she has a long-lost sister she never knew about until now! Think of all the hair pulling and eye-scratching that she missed out on over the years. I know I look back on it fondly. With my good eye. The Washington-Post says:

On her program, Oprah says she learned about half-sister Patricia last November. Winfrey made “home video” of her first meeting with her sister on Thanksgiving Day; she and Stedman Graham drove to Milwaukee to finally meet Patricia.

Winfrey says she was 9 years old and living with her father when her mother gave birth to Patricia and gave her up for adoption. Oprah never even knew her mother was pregnant.

On today’s show, you’re going to see Oprah and her Newly-In-November Discovered Half-Sister Patricia sit down with their mother, Vernita Lee, so Oprah can ask about Lee how she feels about being reunited with Patricia.

Well, this is great news for Oprah. Now she won’t have to rely on those expensive clones for replacement organs when the heart disease and diabetes finally set in. Sisters are a ready-made crop fresh for the harvest!

Eating her way through Australia earlier this month:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Unrequited love of my life Hugh Jackman was injured today while performing a stunt during the Down Under taping of Oprah. MSNBC says:

Live television showed Jackman sliding down a cable from the top of the Sydney Opera House towards a giant outdoor stage, but he failed to stop, crashing into the stage’s light rigging and hurting his face.

“That was so much fun, until the end,” joked Jackman.

Jackman, later sporting a small bandage under his eye, told Winfrey that the excitement of sliding down the cable caused him to brake too late.

“I came down waving to everyone, looking over Sydney Harbour, saw my dad, the kids and you (Winfrey), went to pull the brake and then boing,” he said.

Entertainment reporters at the scene said Jackman was hit in the eye. Television showed Jackman holding some ice on his face and taking a swig of red wine. It was reported that Jackman suffered a black eye.

Of course, being Hugh Jackman, he plunked right back down and did the rest of his segment without batting an eye. That’s what makes him so awesome. Anybody else in Hollywood would have stormed off the stage, dog-cussing some poor set assistant and slapping over a tray of pastries as they went, screaming about who was gonna get stuck with the dry cleaning bill for the blood that got on their $3,000 calfskin Louis Vuitton loafers while frantically dialing their plastic surgeon. Hugh Jackman has chunks of guys like those in his stool.

Lindsay Lohan is currently in negotiations to sit down with Oprah for her highly-coveted first interview since being incarcerated in late July. Radar Online says:

While the deal has yet to be finalized, a source says that talks between Lindsay and Oprah’s team are going well.

The outcome is “looking very good” the source said.

“Things are heating up in a good way,” the source added. “Definitely some good conversations. We’re crossing our fingers it works out for Oprah’s last season.”

The Lohan source also said that the show initiated the talks with the actress’ team.

I just hope Lindsay’s publicist didn’t tell her she was getting “the big O.” She’s gonna be real disappointed if she shows up and finds out it has absolutely nothing to do with stimulating her puss.

Meeting with her attorney earlier this week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Oprah shaved off Dr. Phil’s iconic ‘stache in front of a live studio audience on her show on Friday. Unfortunately, he didn’t reciprocate by shaving hers. Star Magazine says

Dr. Phil told the audience he has has rocked his trademark mustache for the past 40 years, but he decided to take it all off to demonstrate what he believes is his most important life lesson: Shake up your life and take risks!

Oprah had a barber appear from backstage, with lather, razor and barber chair all good to go. Oprah made the first swipe before staff members turned Dr. Phil’s chair around to shave him properly during the commercial break.

When they made the big reveal, the crowd roared, and Dr. Phil jumped at his own reflection! “You look so much younger,” Oprah cooed. “Younger, younger.”

Well, I sure hope he’s happy. The best thing about having a mustache is getting to ask chicks if they want to take a “mustache ride.” He just shaved off the single greatest pick-up line the world has ever known.

Jessica Simpson is sitting down with Oprah today to talk about how hurt she was by ex-boyfriend John Mayer’s “sexual napalm” comments about her in Playboy. The Daily Mail says

As the singer struggled to hold back the tears, Jessica, 29, spoke to the Queen of Chat about how hurt she was when Mayer, 32, told the magazine last month that she was like a drug to him sexually.

But despite his apology, Jessica is still livid about his remarks and looked visibly upset in her interview with Oprah.

The full interview will be broadcast in the U.S. [today] but a sneak-peek trailer shows Jessica telling Oprah: ‘I don’t want people to know how I am in bed.’

Of course she doesn’t want people to know how she is in bed! It’s not like she ever invited cameras into her bedroom at any point in her life or anything! Oh, wait a minute… yes. Yes, she did. My mistake. I think the words I’m looking for here are “fuck you” and “you stupid whiny bitch.” You reap what you sow, fatty!

When she was still jerkable:

Oprah Winfrey is expected to announce on her show today that The Oprah Winfrey Show will cease production in 2011. That sound you hear is the collective wail of middle-aged housewives everywhere sobbing into a Rocky-Road-stained copy of “East of Eden.” The president of Harpo Production said in a statement

“Tomorrow, Oprah will announce live on The Oprah Winfrey Show that she has decided to end what is arguably one of the most popular, influential and enduring programs in television history. The sun will set on the Oprah show as its 25th season draws to a close on September 9, 2011.”

Well, there’s still her network, her magazines, her books, her radio show, her production company, her film company, and her school. I think we’ll somehow manage to find a way to cope in her absence.

UPDATE: Now with weepy video action!

Former child star Mackenzie Phillips will be a guest on Oprah today to talk about her new autobiography “High On Arrival” — and specifically, about her incestuous relationship with her own father. Feel free to stop and shudder with revulsion right there. Star Magazine says

She writes that she was 19 when her dad John Phillips — from the ’60s band Mamas and the Papas — slept with her on the night before she was to marry Jeff Sessler.

“On the eve of my wedding, my father showed up, determined to stop it,” writes Mackenzie, who was already a heavy drug user. “I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on his bed… I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father. Had this happened before? I don’t know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it.”

Their sexual relationship continued, she reveals in the book. She traveled with him and his new band, they did drugs together went to rehab together and — shockingly — even talked about running away together.

“One night Dad said, ‘We could just run away to a country where no one would look down on us,” she writes. “There are countries were this is an accepted practice.”

Jesus, there’s no reason to leave the country just to have sex with your child. Just buy a double-wide and move to West Virginia. Done and done. You don’t even have to burn any air miles!

Dita von Teese promoting her new Wonderbra because it’s not incest:

Mariah Carey went on Oprah last week to hawk her new crappy album, and of course she dragged along her little kiss-ass husband Nick Cannon on the stage so they could prove their love to the masses before his back gave out. The Daily Mail says

They shared an exaggerated smooch as Nick bent her over, before an uncomfortable looking Mariah stopped him, saying: ‘Don’t drop me!’

Hey, that picture reminds me of this joke I once heard: How fat is Mariah Carey? Mariah Carey’s so fat, she fell in love — and it broke. Ha ha! Of course, when I first heard the joke, it was actually about yo momma. Try not to take it so personally.

Part two of Whitney Houston’s first televised interview in more than seven years airs on today’s Oprah, in which she reveals she regularly smoked marijuana and crack and was “addicted” to ex-husband Bobby Brown. The Daily Mail says

The 46-year-old singer described her drug use, saying it became ‘heavy’ after her 1992 movie ‘The Bodyguard.’ She said she would take marijuana combined with rock cocaine. “You put your marijuana, you lace it, you roll it up and you smoke it,” Houston explained to Winfrey.

“I didn’t do anything without [Bobby]. He was very much in control. I liked that. When he said something, I listened. I was very interested in having someone have that kind of control over me. It was refreshing.

He was my drug,” Houston added.

And everyone knows you don’t just quit a drug cold turkey. You have to be weaned off of it. Like methadone for heroin junkies, or in this case, Jenkem for Bobby Brown addicts. See, your rehab meds have to be spawned from the same chemical family as your actual drug of choice. I figure a big bottle of hot fermented butt hash is about as close as one gets to Bobby Brown’s actual molecular structure without killing inadvertently themselves.

Kirstie Alley sat down with Oprah Winfrey yesterday to discuss her recent journey down the greasy, crumb-strewn path to complete fat-assery. Since being fired from her job as spoken person for weight loss company Jenny Craig, the actress has put on nearly 80 pounds due to what she calls “a lack of motivation.” The Daily Mail quotes her as saying

“[What caused the weight gain?] I just said, ‘I’m going to cut myself some slack.’ Big mistake. I thought, ‘You know what I need? You know what I haven’t had a lot of? I haven’t had a lot of dinner parties and company.’

But I’m going to lose 80 pounds [and] I’m going to be in a bikini again.”

It also didn’t help that she turned her home gym into a dining room. That’s like an alcoholic turning his home office into a wet bar or R. Kelly turning his studio into a middle school girls’ locker room.

Which face is the most nauseating? You decide:

I’ve never watched Orca Oprah before. She’s always spouting her opinion and there’s all her little sycophantic followers who do whatever she says, reads whatever she tells them to read, and act like every word that comes from her mouth is gospel truth. But for once I have to agree with her. Friday she had a message for Rihanna–Run, bitch! The Daily News says,

Oprah Winfrey has a message for pop princess Rihanna, who prosecutors say was beaten to a pulp last month by boyfriend Chris Brown: “He will hit you again.”
Former Manhattan sex-crimes prosecutor Linda Fairstein’s warning is starker: He also could kill you.

Fairstein compared the fist-happy crooner to O.J. Simpson, who repeatedly beat his wife without consequence before she was slain in 1994.

“Love doesn’t hurt,” Winfrey said on her show Friday, while announcing she will dedicate a program this week to discussing domestic violence.

“I want to do a show about it, dedicated to all the Rihannas of the world.”

Speaking directly into the camera, Winfrey said, “If a man hits you once, he will hit you again. He will hit you again.”

“Many of the circumstances in her case were like the early warning signs in the O.J. Simpson case,” Fairstein said.

She pointed to several “red flags” that suggest Rihanna could be in the same danger as Nicole Brown Simpson was 15 years ago, getting hit repeatedly but not pressing charges and then reconciling with the former running back.

The allegation that Chris Brown choked Rihanna while saying “Now I’m really going to kill you” is a particularly bad sign, Fairstein said.

“Choking behavior is a very interesting factor. It’s hands on, face-to-face. It’s a very intimate type of violence,” she said.

Love doesn’t hurt? I guess Oprah’s never had the Jumbo Inflatable Dildo shoved up her hoo-ha. That sucker will have you walking like a cowboy for a week. Love hurts, but sometime’s it’s a good hurt, and it feels like I’m alive.

It’s an ugly day for celebrity hair, folks. First up, Halle Berry’s new ‘do for her role in “Frankie and Alice,” in which she plays a woman struggling with multiple personalities. Yikes. I’m not sure which personality is responsible for that hair, but “Satan” or “man-hating lesbian” is probably a safe bet. No thanks. And then there’s talk show queen Oprah — turns out our lady O has a dykey little secret under that immaculately maintained wig! According to Star Magazine

When Oprah wants to go incognito, she simply takes off her wig to revealed a dyed-blonde buzz cut. “Nobody ever notices Oprah in the gym,” says an eyewitness. “She doesn’t wear makeup or a wig. Her head is practically shaved and she dyes the little hair she does have blonde. If she is recognized, it’s because of her voice!”

I don’t believe that for a second. I mean, come on. No way. Like Oprah ever goes to a gym. Pfft. The only thing that cow is lifting is maybe a deep-fried cannoli up to her big bullfrog mouth. Sorry, but I’m calling bullshit on this one, Star Magazine!

And speaking of bullshit, Kim Kardashian gets banged at the “Empowerment for Africa” dinner last night — and nary a black guy or a video camera in sight! Another Thanksgiving miracle?