Inspired by Kathy Freston’s book “Quantum Wellness,” talk show host Oprah Winfrey has decided to go vegan for 21 days and blog the entire meat-detoxification journey. Us Weekly obtained a few excerpts from her blog, which I’ve taken the liberty of translating for you. Oprah says:

“Wow, wow, wow! I never imagined meatless meals could be so satisfying!

Translation: Unbelievable gas.

I had been focused on what I had to give up — sugar, gluten, alcohol, meat, chicken, fish, eggs, cheese.

Translation: Did I mention the diarrhea?

‘What’s left?’ I thought.

Translation: It sounds like I’m unloading a tommy gun on the toilet. And the burning. Oh, God — the burning.

Apparently a lot.

Translation: My anus literally smokes when I’m finished.

I can honestly say every meal was a surprise and a delight.

Translation: Can still clear a room from fifty paces. Seventy-five if I’ve had sprouts. People are starting to avoid me.

This 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I’m willing to do to change.”

Translation: I’m in hell, and my rectum is the devil.

You, too, could join in the meat-detox process like Kathy and Oprah, or you could just stick an lit M-80 in your pooper and give the ol’ colon a run for its money. I’d say they’re equally fun endeavors.

Barbara Walters was on Oprah on Tuesday promoting her autobiography “Audition,” in which she admits to having an affair with a married senator in the seventies and being made to lie about her “View” co-host Star Jones’ gastric bypass surgery. ABC News quotes Barbara as saying:

“[Star] decided to have a gastric bypass operation, but then she decided not to tell anybody. Then we had to lie on the set every day because she said it was portion control and Pilates. Well, we knew it wasn’t portion control and Pilates.”

Star Jones’ reaction (via Us Weekly) was decidedly pissy:

“It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character.”

I’m sorry, Star, but that’s incorrect. The correct answer would have been to exclaim “I’m gonna snatch yo triflin’ bitch-ass bald-headed and bust out all yo fronts,” then hand your boyfriend your jewelery and kick off your shoes and go straight for the weave. Seriously, has she ever watched an episode of “Springer?” Sounds like Star needs to brush up on the basics!

Sith Lord Tom Cruise is returning to battle Oprah for the first time since his infamous couch-mounted attacked in 2005. According to Us Weekly

Three years after his memorable couch-jumping episode, Winfrey will interview Cruise from his home in Telluride, Colorado, on May 2. Cruise will [then] appear in her Chicago studio for a second taping on May 5.

The two-part show coincides with the 25th anniversary of Cruise’s famous flick Risky Business. Friends and colleagues will surprise him with taped messages, according to Harpo Productions.

Maverick in “Top Gun,” gone he is. Consumed by Darth Insanitus. Only a fully trained talk show host with the force as her ally can defeat him. Mind what you have learned, Oprah! Save it you can!

The unedited couch-jumping clip after the jump, but this one’s way better

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Mariah Carey was on Oprah this past Monday promoting her new album E=MC2, and naturally, nobody cared. The pregnant man, Jenny McCarthy and even Jamie Lee Curtis shows all boasted higher ratings than Mimi’s Big O appearance. And then, strike two: Tuesday night’s Mariah-themed episode of “American Idol” was the lowest-rated Tuesday airing of Idol in a month.

What does this all mean, you ask?

It means that there is such a thing as “media saturation.” It means that someone at Island Records might want to rethink the target demographic. It means that taking a peek inside someone’s 3,000 square foot panty drawer isn’t as goddamn fascinating as some people might think. Now, if it were a closet full of medieval weaponry or a laser tag arena, we might actually be getting somewhere. See, unlike Mariah Carey, I have my finger firmly on the pulse of the nation. When I’m not using it to give her the bird or dial 900 numbers, of course. Word on the street is I’m too cool for school.

Mariah lipsynching on Idol after the jump

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