Jessica Simpson is sitting down with Oprah today to talk about how hurt she was by ex-boyfriend John Mayer’s “sexual napalm” comments about her in Playboy. The Daily Mail says

As the singer struggled to hold back the tears, Jessica, 29, spoke to the Queen of Chat about how hurt she was when Mayer, 32, told the magazine last month that she was like a drug to him sexually.

But despite his apology, Jessica is still livid about his remarks and looked visibly upset in her interview with Oprah.

The full interview will be broadcast in the U.S. [today] but a sneak-peek trailer shows Jessica telling Oprah: ‘I don’t want people to know how I am in bed.’

Of course she doesn’t want people to know how she is in bed! It’s not like she ever invited cameras into her bedroom at any point in her life or anything! Oh, wait a minute… yes. Yes, she did. My mistake. I think the words I’m looking for here are “fuck you” and “you stupid whiny bitch.” You reap what you sow, fatty!

When she was still jerkable:

Oprah Winfrey is expected to announce on her show today that The Oprah Winfrey Show will cease production in 2011. That sound you hear is the collective wail of middle-aged housewives everywhere sobbing into a Rocky-Road-stained copy of “East of Eden.” The president of Harpo Production said in a statement

“Tomorrow, Oprah will announce live on The Oprah Winfrey Show that she has decided to end what is arguably one of the most popular, influential and enduring programs in television history. The sun will set on the Oprah show as its 25th season draws to a close on September 9, 2011.”

Well, there’s still her network, her magazines, her books, her radio show, her production company, her film company, and her school. I think we’ll somehow manage to find a way to cope in her absence.

UPDATE: Now with weepy video action!

Former child star Mackenzie Phillips will be a guest on Oprah today to talk about her new autobiography “High On Arrival” — and specifically, about her incestuous relationship with her own father. Feel free to stop and shudder with revulsion right there. Star Magazine says

She writes that she was 19 when her dad John Phillips — from the ’60s band Mamas and the Papas — slept with her on the night before she was to marry Jeff Sessler.

“On the eve of my wedding, my father showed up, determined to stop it,” writes Mackenzie, who was already a heavy drug user. “I had tons of pills, and Dad had tons of everything too. Eventually I passed out on his bed… I woke up that night from a blackout to find myself having sex with my own father. Had this happened before? I don’t know. All I can say is it was the first time I was aware of it.”

Their sexual relationship continued, she reveals in the book. She traveled with him and his new band, they did drugs together went to rehab together and — shockingly — even talked about running away together.

“One night Dad said, ‘We could just run away to a country where no one would look down on us,” she writes. “There are countries were this is an accepted practice.”

Jesus, there’s no reason to leave the country just to have sex with your child. Just buy a double-wide and move to West Virginia. Done and done. You don’t even have to burn any air miles!

Dita von Teese promoting her new Wonderbra because it’s not incest:

Mariah Carey went on Oprah last week to hawk her new crappy album, and of course she dragged along her little kiss-ass husband Nick Cannon on the stage so they could prove their love to the masses before his back gave out. The Daily Mail says

They shared an exaggerated smooch as Nick bent her over, before an uncomfortable looking Mariah stopped him, saying: ‘Don’t drop me!’

Hey, that picture reminds me of this joke I once heard: How fat is Mariah Carey? Mariah Carey’s so fat, she fell in love — and it broke. Ha ha! Of course, when I first heard the joke, it was actually about yo momma. Try not to take it so personally.

Part two of Whitney Houston’s first televised interview in more than seven years airs on today’s Oprah, in which she reveals she regularly smoked marijuana and crack and was “addicted” to ex-husband Bobby Brown. The Daily Mail says

The 46-year-old singer described her drug use, saying it became ‘heavy’ after her 1992 movie ‘The Bodyguard.’ She said she would take marijuana combined with rock cocaine. “You put your marijuana, you lace it, you roll it up and you smoke it,” Houston explained to Winfrey.

“I didn’t do anything without [Bobby]. He was very much in control. I liked that. When he said something, I listened. I was very interested in having someone have that kind of control over me. It was refreshing.

He was my drug,” Houston added.

And everyone knows you don’t just quit a drug cold turkey. You have to be weaned off of it. Like methadone for heroin junkies, or in this case, Jenkem for Bobby Brown addicts. See, your rehab meds have to be spawned from the same chemical family as your actual drug of choice. I figure a big bottle of hot fermented butt hash is about as close as one gets to Bobby Brown’s actual molecular structure without killing inadvertently themselves.

Kirstie Alley sat down with Oprah Winfrey yesterday to discuss her recent journey down the greasy, crumb-strewn path to complete fat-assery. Since being fired from her job as spoken person for weight loss company Jenny Craig, the actress has put on nearly 80 pounds due to what she calls “a lack of motivation.” The Daily Mail quotes her as saying

“[What caused the weight gain?] I just said, ‘I’m going to cut myself some slack.’ Big mistake. I thought, ‘You know what I need? You know what I haven’t had a lot of? I haven’t had a lot of dinner parties and company.’

But I’m going to lose 80 pounds [and] I’m going to be in a bikini again.”

It also didn’t help that she turned her home gym into a dining room. That’s like an alcoholic turning his home office into a wet bar or R. Kelly turning his studio into a middle school girls’ locker room.

Which face is the most nauseating? You decide:

I’ve never watched Orca Oprah before. She’s always spouting her opinion and there’s all her little sycophantic followers who do whatever she says, reads whatever she tells them to read, and act like every word that comes from her mouth is gospel truth. But for once I have to agree with her. Friday she had a message for Rihanna–Run, bitch! The Daily News says,

Oprah Winfrey has a message for pop princess Rihanna, who prosecutors say was beaten to a pulp last month by boyfriend Chris Brown: “He will hit you again.”
Former Manhattan sex-crimes prosecutor Linda Fairstein’s warning is starker: He also could kill you.

Fairstein compared the fist-happy crooner to O.J. Simpson, who repeatedly beat his wife without consequence before she was slain in 1994.

“Love doesn’t hurt,” Winfrey said on her show Friday, while announcing she will dedicate a program this week to discussing domestic violence.

“I want to do a show about it, dedicated to all the Rihannas of the world.”

Speaking directly into the camera, Winfrey said, “If a man hits you once, he will hit you again. He will hit you again.”

“Many of the circumstances in her case were like the early warning signs in the O.J. Simpson case,” Fairstein said.

She pointed to several “red flags” that suggest Rihanna could be in the same danger as Nicole Brown Simpson was 15 years ago, getting hit repeatedly but not pressing charges and then reconciling with the former running back.

The allegation that Chris Brown choked Rihanna while saying “Now I’m really going to kill you” is a particularly bad sign, Fairstein said.

“Choking behavior is a very interesting factor. It’s hands on, face-to-face. It’s a very intimate type of violence,” she said.

Love doesn’t hurt? I guess Oprah’s never had the Jumbo Inflatable Dildo shoved up her hoo-ha. That sucker will have you walking like a cowboy for a week. Love hurts, but sometime’s it’s a good hurt, and it feels like I’m alive.

It’s an ugly day for celebrity hair, folks. First up, Halle Berry’s new ‘do for her role in “Frankie and Alice,” in which she plays a woman struggling with multiple personalities. Yikes. I’m not sure which personality is responsible for that hair, but “Satan” or “man-hating lesbian” is probably a safe bet. No thanks. And then there’s talk show queen Oprah — turns out our lady O has a dykey little secret under that immaculately maintained wig! According to Star Magazine

When Oprah wants to go incognito, she simply takes off her wig to revealed a dyed-blonde buzz cut. “Nobody ever notices Oprah in the gym,” says an eyewitness. “She doesn’t wear makeup or a wig. Her head is practically shaved and she dyes the little hair she does have blonde. If she is recognized, it’s because of her voice!”

I don’t believe that for a second. I mean, come on. No way. Like Oprah ever goes to a gym. Pfft. The only thing that cow is lifting is maybe a deep-fried cannoli up to her big bullfrog mouth. Sorry, but I’m calling bullshit on this one, Star Magazine!

And speaking of bullshit, Kim Kardashian gets banged at the “Empowerment for Africa” dinner last night — and nary a black guy or a video camera in sight! Another Thanksgiving miracle?

Brace yourself, Brangelinaphiles — Brad Pitt is going to be on today’s Oprah, and he’s going to be talking about Angie and kiddies! Squeal! Us Weekly caught a little excerpt from the interview:

Brad says “[My kids are] the funniest people I’ve ever met. And you know it really tells you — it’s a great mirror for yourself. It really tells you a lot about yourself and who you are and how you react to things. They make me better. They make me a better person as a father.”

Asked which of his six children is the funniest, Pitt tells Winfrey, “They all have their own thing. They don’t mean to be funny. Right now Shi’s in this thing. First of all, she only wants to be called John. John or Peter. So it’s a Peter Pan thing. So we’ve got to call her John. ‘Shi, do you want’ — ‘John. I’m John.’ And then I’ll say, ‘John, do you — would you like some orange juice?’ And she goes, ‘No!’ “So, you know, it’s just that kind of stuff that — that’s cute to parents and it’s probably really obnoxious to other people.”

Boy, little kids get away with everything. Babies especially. When those little bastards sidle up to a boob and clamp down on the nipple, it’s all “awww” this and “miracle of life” that. When I do it, suddenly “pepper spray to the face” is the only appropriate response. And don’t even get me started on crapping my pants in public. If I had a nickel for every time I was escorted off a commuter train with a pantload between my knees, I’d probably be an eleven-thousandaire by now. At the very least, I wouldn’t be taking the goddamn commuter train to work every day, I can promise you that. Surely children are the true kings among men.

Angelina Jolie in the December issue of Harper’s Bazaar UK:

Inspired by Kathy Freston’s book “Quantum Wellness,” talk show host Oprah Winfrey has decided to go vegan for 21 days and blog the entire meat-detoxification journey. Us Weekly obtained a few excerpts from her blog, which I’ve taken the liberty of translating for you. Oprah says:

“Wow, wow, wow! I never imagined meatless meals could be so satisfying!

Translation: Unbelievable gas.

I had been focused on what I had to give up — sugar, gluten, alcohol, meat, chicken, fish, eggs, cheese.

Translation: Did I mention the diarrhea?

‘What’s left?’ I thought.

Translation: It sounds like I’m unloading a tommy gun on the toilet. And the burning. Oh, God — the burning.

Apparently a lot.

Translation: My anus literally smokes when I’m finished.

I can honestly say every meal was a surprise and a delight.

Translation: Can still clear a room from fifty paces. Seventy-five if I’ve had sprouts. People are starting to avoid me.

This 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I’m willing to do to change.”

Translation: I’m in hell, and my rectum is the devil.

You, too, could join in the meat-detox process like Kathy and Oprah, or you could just stick an lit M-80 in your pooper and give the ol’ colon a run for its money. I’d say they’re equally fun endeavors.

Barbara Walters was on Oprah on Tuesday promoting her autobiography “Audition,” in which she admits to having an affair with a married senator in the seventies and being made to lie about her “View” co-host Star Jones’ gastric bypass surgery. ABC News quotes Barbara as saying:

“[Star] decided to have a gastric bypass operation, but then she decided not to tell anybody. Then we had to lie on the set every day because she said it was portion control and Pilates. Well, we knew it wasn’t portion control and Pilates.”

Star Jones’ reaction (via Us Weekly) was decidedly pissy:

“It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character.”

I’m sorry, Star, but that’s incorrect. The correct answer would have been to exclaim “I’m gonna snatch yo triflin’ bitch-ass bald-headed and bust out all yo fronts,” then hand your boyfriend your jewelery and kick off your shoes and go straight for the weave. Seriously, has she ever watched an episode of “Springer?” Sounds like Star needs to brush up on the basics!

Sith Lord Tom Cruise is returning to battle Oprah for the first time since his infamous couch-mounted attacked in 2005. According to Us Weekly

Three years after his memorable couch-jumping episode, Winfrey will interview Cruise from his home in Telluride, Colorado, on May 2. Cruise will [then] appear in her Chicago studio for a second taping on May 5.

The two-part show coincides with the 25th anniversary of Cruise’s famous flick Risky Business. Friends and colleagues will surprise him with taped messages, according to Harpo Productions.

Maverick in “Top Gun,” gone he is. Consumed by Darth Insanitus. Only a fully trained talk show host with the force as her ally can defeat him. Mind what you have learned, Oprah! Save it you can!

The unedited couch-jumping clip after the jump, but this one’s way better

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