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Hayden Pannettiere is mimicking cunnilingus. I could start saying all sorts of witty things, but you wouldn’t even bother to read it, would you? Your eyes would just drift back up to that picture, right? I could say random stuff like hopscotch buttered toast and chopping so much broccoli and you wouldn’t even know it. Blah blah blah, ajd jfd nfweanfdskf sdfj j . You’re welcome.

Adam Lambert

Adam Lambert wants you to know that his father is totally cool with his son’s simulated oral sex and S&M-laden shitty performance at the American Music Awards. Don’t you wish your dad was that hip and with it? MTV.com goes on,

The “Idol” runner-up also took some time to clear up rumors that have been floating around about him. “I haven’t started a makeup line. I might, but I haven’t yet,” he said. “My father was rumored to be mortified by what I did [at the 'American Music Awards'] and that we’re not speaking. That’s a rumor. … I think Bill O’Reilly perpetuated that. Lovely man. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. [My dad and I] were laughing about it … so that was a rumor.”

Dad’s a real pal. I bet he washes his butt plugs for him and everything.

Here he is at the Z100 Jingle Ball, looking like a complete tool.

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Adam Lambert wants you to know that’s he not sorry about his controversial performance at the American Music Awards Sunday night; he’s sorry for you and your pathetic close-minded hate-mongering square-iness that can’t look true artistic greatness in the eye and accept it for what it is. He told Access Hollywood

“I’m not an artist that does things for every single person. I believe in artistic freedom and expression, I believe in honoring the lyrics of a song. If [my performance is] edited [for west coast viewers], that’s discrimination. There’s a big double standard, female pop artists have been doing things provocative like that for years, and the fact that I’m a male, and I’ll be edited and discriminated against.

People are scared and it’s really sad, I just wish people could open their minds up… it’s really not that big of a deal.”

Simulating oral sex and S&M isn’t pushing the envelope musically. It’s just a trite and pedestrian attempt at disguising crap as art. You really want to cross boundaries, try working free form jazz and the spoons into a couple of your songs. Now that would be a true testament to talent!

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Pictures of Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus performing oral sex on an unidentified wiener are tearing up the interwebs today (click header for an extremely edited version of the photo — she’s underage, and experience has taught me that “pedophile” is a hard label to shake). Some are claiming the pictures have been photoshopped using old photographs (see photos of Miley in a similar position here), while others are claiming that they are 100% real-deal Miley sausage gobbling. Personally, I’m of the persuasion that the photo is a fake. Mostly because there’s no way in hell Nick Jonas actually has a penis. Show me something with a lot less testicle and little more beef curtain the next time around and maybe I’ll buy it.

Miley kissing co-star Liam Hemsworth while filming “The Last Song in Savannah”:

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It’s a special day, folks — the first celebrity sex tape scandal of 2008! Ding ding ding! Today’s celebrity slut is none other than Vivica A. Fox, who you might remember was also arrested last year on suspicion of DUI (she pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor count of driving with a blood-alcohol level over the legal limit of .08 last month). Trans World News says

Actress Vivica A. Fox has a sex tape that has been circulated around recently. An inebriated Fox is seen on her knees, performing oral sex to an Atlanta man, who was secretly taping her on his cell phone. The man then e-mailed the sex tape to his friends, who then e-mailed it to Fox. Fox then e-mailed it to a friend of hers in the Atlanta Police Department. It is unknown if Fox is filing a complaint against the man or asked the police department to handle the situation in a private manner.The tape was confirmed by Atlanta hip-hop station V-103′s Porsche Foxx, a popular DJ in the city.

Well, I suppose it could always be worse. Like, instead of her drunkenly slobbering all over some guy’s ball sack, it could have been the director’s cut of “Booty Call” followed by a clip from “Juwanna Man.” God, would that ever be embarrassing!

What Vivica actually looks like:

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What Vivica looks like with the magic of PhotoShop:

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