A group of spoiled rich teenage girls living in Calabasas were arrested on late last week in connection with the robberies of Lindsay Lohan (here), Paris Hilton (here), Audrina Patridge (here) and Orlando Bloom (here) over the last year. People magazine says

Rachel Lee, 19, Diana Tamayo, 19, Courtney Ames, 18, Alexis Neiers, 18, and Nicholas Prugo, 18, launched into a year-long crime spree in which thousands of dollars of designer clothes, jewelry, bags and other luxury items were taken [from the aforementioned celebrities]. All fingers point to 19-year-old Lee as the alleged ringleader, who had an apparent fascination with Hollywood fashion.

The gang allegedly located the addresses of celebrities using Hollywood star maps and the Internet, and calculated when the stars wouldn’t be home based on their appearance schedules.

Giving the arrests another Hollywood twist, after Neiers posted bail, she was picked up by her sister, Playboy model Tess Taylor, who showed up at the jail early Friday morning with a camera crew in tow. Taylor and Neiers are the subject of a reality show pilot for E!.

My hard-hitting journalistic flair for truth makes it easy to cut through all the “background information” and “facts” in this story and get to what really counts: boobs. Namely, that one chick’s Playboy model sister’s boobs. I can almost smell the Pulitzer from here!

Check out more of Tess naked at Playboy’s Cyber Club (all thumbs NSFW):

I know I just hurt you guys where it counts with those Amy Winehouse upskirt pictures, but since today’s news consists almost solely of things either depressing or disgusting, I figured we’d kinda switch tactics for a minute.  Before you start bitching at me about how you don’t give a shit about heartwarming animal rescue stories accompanied by funny sci-fi looking Reptilian Terminator photos, allow me to list for you the alternative news items from which we currently have to choose:

1. Rosie O’Donnell going to dinner with some other ladies, her mouth hanging wide open in every single photo
2. Vin Diesel’s fat head hulking around at the Fast & Furious premiere and a story about how he got dropped by his publicist because he is such a little bitch
3. Orlando Bloom stumbling out of the Cuckoo Club at 3:30am with “Boy Worth” written on his hand and his subsequent back-and-forth shenanigans in a taxi as he decides whether he will drunkenly attempt to operate a motorcycle

I will graciously accept your pre-emptive apologies, as well as your thanks in advance.  Moving on, let’s discuss the delightful Robocroc, shall we?  This poor guy was crushed by a car, and his shattered skull has been cobbled back together using four metal plates and 41 screws.  He’s been recovering at Miami Metro Zoo, and he just opened his mouth for the first time in three months.  Go tell your cubefarm neighbour this story, and you should never again have to listen to them piss and moan about the degree to which they suffer when Starbucks is out of sugar free hazelnut syrup.

Now that Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr’s fling with Orlando Bloom is over, she’s sought refuge in the oily arms of douchebag Brandon Davis. According to In Touch Weekly

On July 12, Brandon and Miranda were spotted “full on making out” at 1Oak [and] kissing at Beatrice Inn. While a rep for Miranda denies she has split with Orlando, she was overheard telling Brandon about the breakup. “Miranda always seems to go to Brandon when she has a fight with Orlando,” the insider says. “He’s her rebound guy.”

“Rebound?” That’s gotta be a misquote. The source probably meant grease hound. You know, for those times when a plate full of bacon drippings and vaseline just don’t fill the void.

When Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr and actor Orlando Bloom indulge in a little public nudity on vacation in Spain, everybody’s all smiles and sunshine and “so nice to see you again, sir!” You try waltzing out to the hotel pool in nothing but arm floaties and a bottle of Old Grandad and see how long it takes before the policía municipal show up with billy clubs. My personal best is 4 minutes 56 seconds.

Here’s an eyebrow raiser: Jennifer Aniston and Orlando Bloom reportedly spent the weekend together in Mexico. Yeah, what the hell is that? Although the picture’s kind of grainy and you can’t really make out either of their faces, it’s enough of a vague resemblance for me to proclaim it as pure unadulterated truth. Pictures never lie. That’s why I always bring my camera on dates and stuff — photographic evidence that everything that happened was consensual. Not because I’m some kind of voyeuristic pervert. And before you bring it up, those pictures of me giving the thumbs up and smiling behind that naked guy in the Santa hat tied to the banister were just for my novelty Christmas cards, no matter what that bastard judge tried to insinuate. Seriously, some people have no sense of humor at all. Philistines.