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There couldn’t be highs if there weren’t lows, and here to support that theory is Missi Pyle in a bright turquoise nightmare complete with frosted lipstick (!). It looks like it was made by someone in a sewing class who decided to put all her draping skills to use at one time, and didn’t want to waste some good fabric. Plus, I’m not a fan of the armored-boob look. So here are some more of my favorite dresses to hate, and some dresses on people I love to hate:

Viola Davis’ fussy green goblin gown was clamping down on her boobs while fitting poorly elsewhere:

Tina Fey’s dress looked like it had an improvised last-minute length adjustment done:

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Last night was the Oscars, and I continued my long tradition of not watching them, so you can rest assured that I well prepared to comment on everyone’s frocks. And by “well-prepared”, I mean downloading a bunch of pictures and posting them here. What can I say, I chose to spend my evening playing Star Wars: The Old Republic over watching a parade of actresses sashay across the screen in gowns that cost more than I’ll make in 10 years. Hey, my jedi guardian isn’t going to level up by herself, you know. Anyway, here’s a short list of the winners:

Best Picture: The Artist

Best Actor: Jean Durjardin

Best Actress: Meryl Streep

Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer

Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer

For the full list, click here.

Angelina Jolie struck a pose in a black Versace dress split thigh-high:

Penelope Cruz glowed in her periwinkle Armani Prive:

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Sacha Baron Cohen will not be permitted to show up to the Oscars dressed as General Aladeen from his new movie “The Dictator,” because that might offend despotic third world dictators and you know how sensitive those guys are. Us Magazine says:

After reports surfaced that the Hugo star, 40, was banned from the awards fest, an Academy rep explained it didn’t seem “appropriate” for Cohen to come in costume, but “his tickets haven’t been pulled.”

“Sacha is definitely upset that he’s not being allowed to attend the event as the General,” a source [says].

No one was supposed to know of The General’s appearance on Sunday in the first place, adds the source. “He wanted it to be a surprise and to keep everyone aloof, which he enjoys, but the media went and messed with his fun. He’s bummed about the whole situation.”

The star still plans to attend, the source notes.

But General Aladeen still got in his two riyals on the “Today Show” this morning, saying:

“On behalf of the nation of Wadiya, I am outraged at being banned from the Oscars by the Academy of Motion Pictures of Arts and Zionists. While I applaud the Academy from taking away my right to free speech, I warn you that if you do not lift your sanctions and give me my tickets back by 12 p.m. on Sunday, you will face unimaginable consequences.”

Well, whatever these “unimaginable consequences” are, they still can’t be worse than the extended director’s cut of “Bruno.” Homemade pipe bombs would be a whole lot more humane.

Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Irina Shayk in the March issue of Marie Claire Spain, because Sacha doesn’t look nearly as hot in a sundress:

This year’s Oscar nominations were announced this morning at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’ headquarters in Beverly Hills (complete list here), and there were actually a few pleasant non-pompous foreign subtitled period drama surprises in the mix. People Magazine says:

Comedy counts in Hollywood for once, with two surprise nominations for Bridesmaids — [Best] Supporting Actress Melissa McCarthy and Best Screenplay writer Kristen Wiig.

As anticipated, nominations in the Best Picture category included The Descendants (five nods) and The Artist, with 10 nominations, and Martin Scorsese’s Hugo, with 11.

Acting nods went to friendly rivals George Clooney for The Descendants, and Brad Pitt for Moneyball.

For Best Actress, Michelle Williams was cited for My Week with Marilyn, as was Meryl Streep [for] The Iron Lady.

Kristen Wiig is fucking hilarious and “Bridesmaids” was the best movie I saw last year, so that Oscar is a long time coming. Frankly, she should have gotten a nod for her SNL role as the retarded Meryl sister on the Lawrence Welk Show years ago. Case in point:

Brett Ratner has resigned as producer of next year’s Academy Awards after gays and lesbians took offense to his use of the word “fags” during a Q&A session for his latest turd of a movie, “Tower Heist.” He has since issued a carefully manufactured open letter to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences explaining why he felt he needed to resign and apologizing for his use of the slur. The letter reads (via the Daily Mail):

“I called Tom Sherak this morning and resigned as a producer of the 84th Academy Awards telecast.

Being asked to help put on the Oscar show was the proudest moment of my career.

But as painful as this may be for me, it would be worse if my association with the show were to be a distraction from the Academy and the high ideals it represents.

[I'm sorry] for any offense my remarks caused — [it was] a dumb and outdated way of expressing myself… as a storyteller, I should have been much more thoughtful about the power of language and my choice of words.

I didn’t realize shitting all over the X-Men franchise qualified as “story-telling” these days. Back in my day, we just called it “you fucking suck, Brett Ratner!” It was a simpler, nobler time.

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