The Greeks use the word “philia” to describe the kind of love shared between lifelong friends, but “Greek” is also what prostitutes say when they’re talking about doing anal. I’ll let you decide what kind of Greek action is going on in this picture of Owen Wilson and Woody Harrelson, but unless I’ve been doing it wrong all this time, I’m pretty sure that qualifies as spooning. All the perks of doggy style without any of the impersonality!

Less gay pics of Hayden Panettiere swimming with dolphins in a Whaleman Foundation documentary:

Since Lance Armstrong dumped her ass last month, Kate Hudson’s been chasing down ex-beau Owen Wilson for some good old-fashioned penis action. A source told Star Magazine

“[Owen] was frosty at first. He felt betrayed when she dumped him for his friend Lance. But after a while, he caved in and has been sweet to her.”

Friends worry that Owen (who tried to commit suicide in 2007 after splitting from Kate the first time) will once again fall under [her] spell. It’s not fair to Owen, because he really cares for her and ends up getting hurt.”

You’d be better off sticking your wiener in a garlic press than inside Kate Hudson. At least the garlic press doesn’t come with a kid and ears that double as satellite dishes.

In Beverly Hills August 13th:

Kate Hudson has dumped Owen Wilson for seven-times Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. Kate flew to Lance’s Texas home on Friday for weekend filled with romance and absolutely no suicide watches. The Daily Mail says

“When Kate was with Owen, she got to know Lance really well but they hooked up again recently at a dinner party thrown by a mutual friend and that’s when the romance began. They have both been keeping it very quiet. Kate and Lance have been dating for a couple of weeks. She and Lance are both physical, passionate people – she’s never been happier.”

Well, if you’re going to start dating Lance Armstrong, you need to steer clear of several trigger phrases that are well-known to upset him. I can’t stress this enough. I keep a handy list in my pocket at all times, just in case I come back as a bicycle or a desperate slut in my next life. I present to you

10. The expression “you’re really on the ball today!” Try “you’re exceedingly capable” or “good job” instead.

9. Patrick Ball, legend of Celtic harp and spoken word. Enough said.

8. “The ball’s in your court.” Um, no it’s not, you insensitive jerk.

7. “The ol’ ball and chain.” Is that some kind of “Lance Armstrong on a bicycle” joke? Shame on you, sir. Shame on you.

6. “Ball pythons.” Just trust me on this one.

5. “Ball State University.” The Mid-American Conference upsets most people, actually.

4. “Break your balls.” Oh, aren’t they broken enough for you?

3. “Ballindalloch Castle.” Frankly, it was never the same after the first Marquess of Montrose burned it to the ground.

2. “Ball Park Franks.” They plump when you cook ‘em.

1. “Testing for Erythropoietin Stimulating Agents.” Also the “Union Cycliste Internationale” and the “World Anti-Doping Agency.” Those guys are a bunch of serious hard-ons.

Kate at the “Fool’s Gold” premiere last month with Matthew McConaughey:

Just two months after having rekindled their relationship, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have broken up. Insiders credit the split to Kate’s not being down with Owen having threesomes with Vince Vaughn, while Vince Vaughn credits the split to Kate being such a “ball and fucking chain, bro.” According to People Magazine

Wilson [had] been spotted letting loose… on May 11, [when he] dropped by N.Y.C.’s Upstairs with two women. The late-night outing was followed by a visit to Butter the next night, where he chatted up a sexy blonde.

Says a Hudson source: “She feels dumb thinking it was so serious.”

Well, nothing says “seriously repentant” like another suicide attempt. It worked before, right? This time he should go with a little more gusto, like deep throating a shotgun. Something that will leave a disfiguring scar, so that every time she opens her mouth to bitch about those harmless little orgies, she’ll be staring down a grotesque visual reminder of how much he really loves her. Sorta like Van Gogh, only with way less balls and Kolmogorovian turbulence.

Most beautiful in last month’s People:

Despite reuniting with Kate Hudson in the months since his suicide attempt, actor Owen Wilson is reportedly back to his old tricks. According to Nine MSN

Owen approached a hot girl at Miami’s Purdy Lounge last weekend, proposing she get involved in a threesome with him and a friend (Owen’s good pal Vince [Vaughn] was in town at the time and is [believed] to be the ‘friend’ he had in mind). The paper’s source says the girl “was disgusted with the offer and declined.”

Boy, what cool guys. They should really write a book chronicling their tales of conquest and ribaldry. They could call it “The Adventures of the Butterscotch Stallion and The Sea Donkey” and market it to the Maxim demographic. It’d be a best-seller in a week.

Owen with Jennifer Aniston shooting “Marley and Me” last month:

I know when you hear the words “attempted suicide” and “hillbilly heroin,” the first thing that comes to mind is “daddy material.” Well, you’re not alone — Kate Hudson is currently chomping at the bit to start having babies with Owen Wilson. According to Gatecrasher

Kate Hudson is apartment-shopping in New York with an eye to living here part-time with her rekindled flame Owen Wilson, according to a pal. “She is ready to nest and has even been talking about having more little ones,” a friend of the actress tells me.

It’s hard to resist the aura of paternal stability that radiates from Owen Wilson. Like the hum around a hornet’s nest or the musk that permeates a Taco Bell bathroom, it cuts to the very soul. The only thing that could set your loins ablaze quicker is maybe “recovering sex addict felon” or “backup dancer with dreams of rap stardom.” Saddle on up, Butterscotch Stallion!

Kate with Anne Hathaway on the set of “Bride Wars:”

Forget all that earlier Kate Hudson business — Owen Wilson has reportedly fallen for his “Marley and Me” co-star Jennifer Aniston! Star Magazine says

“His chemistry with Jen was instantaneous! The hugging didn’t end when the cameras stopped rolling. They were very flirty together, far more than you would expect. In between takes they were hanging onto each other. Jen is known for being a recluse on set, but she’s having so much fun with Owen. She’s just really happy.”

All I can say is any offspring of those two ought to be able to smell the number 9 and the color blue, not to mention successfully smoke a cigar in the shower.

Don’t be afraid, dear readers — that babushka in the big glasses doesn’t want to make a hearty stew of your children. That’s because the crone pictured above is none other than actress Kate Hudson on vacation in Miami. Now, I know what you’re thinking: how do I know that’s not really a Yugoslavian fishwife disguised as Kate Hudson? It sure looks like a Yugoslavian fishwife. The trick here is the ass. If the ass looks like it belongs under a rainbow nestled on a cushion of rose petals surrounded by doe-eyed forest creatures, it’s Kate Hudson. If it looks like sourdough starter that’s been pounded with a meat tenderizer and stretched a good city block, then it’s an Eastern Bloc ogress. Feel free to write this down to keep in your wallet for reference in emergencies.

More ass-tastic Kate yesterday:

Despite being photographed leaving Owen Wilson’s house twice in the last week, actress Kate Hudson claims she likes a man “with balls.” Female First reports

The ‘Almost Famous’ star finds it a turn off when men are intimidated by her actions. The actress told British Elle: “If… a guy has no balls, you’re better off without him anyway!”

When I think “balls,” I think of someone manly, like a fireman or a sailor, bench pressing his own body weight while simultaneously repairing a car and chopping lumber. Not some dandelion-haired fop overdosing on his sad pills. Maybe someone should tell Kate that “balls” and “Owen Wilson” go together like the “Heisenberg uncertainty principle” and “definite position and momentum of a sub-atomic particle.” Oh, yeah — BUURRRN, baby!

Kate leaving Owen’s house on Monday:

Owen Wilson’s post-suicide-attempt fling with Jessica Simpson is apparently over. Us Weekly reports

Wilson’s current squeeze is One Model Management catwalker Le Call, 25. The pair have been dating casually for several weeks but are seeing a lot of each other, a source close to Wilson tells Us. “She’s a sweet girl with a great heart,” says the source. “She helps keep Owen grounded.” Despite being photographed around the Big Apple, [they] haven’t been hitting the club scene. Adds the pal: “They enjoy biking and doing outdoorsy stuff.”

“Outdoorsy stuff” like outdoor ass-licking marathons and outdoor smack-shooting binges? Yeah, well, he’s a regular fucking outdoorsman, that Owen. All he needs is a covered wagon and a handful of cholera and he’s pretty much Laura Ingalls-Wilder. But with balls and more self-esteem issues.

“Supermodel” Le Call modeling for Target and several discount retailers:

It would seem that the ticket to bouncing back from a failed suicide attempt is having sex with Jessica Simpson. Where do I sign up? According to the NY Daily News

She and Owen Wilson have been spotted on a date in Los Angeles, according to the new issue of Star magazine. The two dined Sunday at the Huntley Hotel in Santa Monica before retiring to his Malibu home.”He couldn’t keep his hands off her,” a witness tells the mag. Apparently, sparks flew between the two Texans when they were in Austin on Oct. 16 to appear in a video with Willie Nelson.

The combined IQ of a rabbit and the combined self-esteem issues of a sexually-abused stepchild. This oughta be good, alright. This is usually where Darwin steps in and somebody accidentally drowns in a bowl of soup or sticks a fork in a light socket. It’s nature’s way of keeping the gene pool from bottoming out at “completely fucking retarded.” Circle of life, baby!

Jessica Simpson at the CMT Giants honoring Hank Williams, Jr. last Wednesday:

Kate Hudson is once again madly in love with Owen Wilson, and all it took to sway her affection was his trying to off himself and failing. According to Female First

Kate Hudson is reportedly trying to rekindle her romance with ex-boyfriend Owen Wilson after splitting from Dax Shepard. The ‘Almost Famous’ actress is said to be desperate to woo back Owen. A source said: “After Owen’s suicide attempt, she realised how much she loved him, and broke up with Dax.”

There’s nothing women find sexier than clinical depression. Add “lives with mother” and “IBS” to the equation and you’ve got yourself a bonafide Casanova. We’ve all heard that old cliche about finding “your knight in shining armor.” I’d say that a knight in two feet of IV tubing on suicide watch is practically the same thing.