Britney Spears has acquired her very own deranged stalker! What started out as the occasional bizarre letter has escalated to bi-weekly package deliveries in the last six weeks. According to OK! Magazine

“The first thing you see when you open the box is a huge, lavender, battery-operated sex toy…. and two [threatening and pornographic] letters. The handwritten one is on note paper and it’s written in all-caps chicken scratch,” says the source. The [other] typed letter contains vivid, pornographic details of the writer’s fantasy exploits with Britney.

The scariest item inside the package is what [appears] to be a picture of the sender — a middle-aged caucasian male with stringy, greasy hair — with the eyes cut out of the photo, in which he [is] squirting some sort of yellowish liquid into his open mouth. “It’s like something from a bad movie,” says the source. “If I hadn’t seen it myself, I wouldn’t believe it.”

The guy sounds less like a deranged stalker and more like a dream response to a Britney-themed personal ad. Penchant for processed foods with nozzle dispensers? Check. Aversion to bathing? Check. Arsenal of sex-toys in pastel colors? Check, check, check. The only way this guy could be any more perfect is if he came with a Hickory Farms Beef & Cheese basket and dreams of rap stardom.

Britney Spears heading to Off Broadway for a little discount shoe shopping: