“Grey’s Anatomy” star Eric Dane, aka handsome rake Dr. Mark “McSteamy” Sloan, checked himself into rehab today to deal with an addiction to painkillers. Radar Online says:

His spokesperson confirmed the 30-day stint and told Star: “Actor Eric Dane voluntarily checked himself into a treatment facility to help him get off of pain medication that he was prescribed for a sports injury that he suffered over the recent hiatus. He reports back to work next week.”

With filming starting back up on his ABC show and his wife Rebecca Gayheart pregnant with the couple’s second child, Dane had far “too much to lose” if he slipped, according to a family friend.

“Eric felt things spiraling out of control and decided he needed to get some help,” the source [said].

I feel this is a good time to point out that god damn this man is a fine piece of ass. It would be wrong and selfish of me not to post like ten pictures of him without his shirt on. All I need to do now is photoshop my own ass over the bongos he’s playing in these photos and my flipbok of Grey’s Anatomy-themed erotica will finally be complete!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Lindsay Lohan wants you to know you she is so stone-cold clean and sober that she’s refusing pain pills after dental surgery, which is probably why she staged a photo of her father conspicuously inspecting the inside of her mouth outside her rehab center. Radar Online says:

Photos surfaced on Thursday of Michael Lohan peering inside Lindsay’s mouth because the actress had dental surgery and is refusing to take painkillers.

“Lindsay had teeth removed and won’t even take any painkillers for the pain,” a source close to the situation [said].

According to the insider, Lindsay is so dedicated to the rehabilitation of her substance abuse problems she’s doing everything she can to stay on track – quite a difference from just 5 months ago when the starlet had her wisdom teeth removed and took the powerful painkiller Dilaudid to deal with the pain.

Dilaudid. Huh. I forgot about that. Those wisdom teeth of hers must have been impacted all the way into her sinus cavity and fully abscessed and covered with cankers. I mean, what kind of dentist prescribes Dilaudid after a simple tooth extraction? No, seriously — I want to know. The best I can get out of my dentist is extra-strength Tylenol and maybe a sugar-free lollipop.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Now that he’s finished with sex therapy, Tiger Woods has checked into The Meadows treatment center in Arizona to kick his addiction to painkillers and sleeping pills. The New York Post says

Woods’ drugs of choice are said to be the sleep medication Ambien and painkiller Vicodin.

“In [sex] therapy, Tiger blamed a lot of his cheating behavior on his drug addiction, saying that the drugs were responsible for impairing his judgment,” an anonymous source [said].

The golfer’s lovers have said he enjoyed mixing Ambien and sex to heighten pleasure.

I can barely point the car in the right direction when I’m wacked out on painkillers, much less hit a tiny ball with a little stick and make it land within three feet of a hole 200 yards away from me. The inside of Tiger’s head must look like the goddamn targeting system of a F-14 Tomcat.

Are you sitting down? Because you might want to. This news could literally knock you off your feet. Ready? Okay, here goes: Paula Abdul was addicted to painkillers for the last twelve years. There, I said it. I can give you a moment to collect yourself if you need to. Us Weekly says

In a shocking new interview, Paula Abdul reveals that her reliance on painkillers got so bad she could have died.

Abdul, 46, was diagnosed with “reflex sympathetic dystrophy syndrome” in [2005], a chronic neurological disorder that causes severe pain. Abdul wore a patch that delivered a pain medication about 80 times more potent than morphine and took a nerve medication to relieve her symptoms. Sometimes, she adds, she also took a muscle relaxer.

But the pain got so bad it that it often left her sleepless and caused her to “get weird.” A combination of these factors prompted many fans to believe that the American Idol judge was high on the air.

Determined to overcome her habit, she checked into the La Costa Resort and Spa in Carlsbad, Calif., last Thanksgiving. “I could have killed myself,” Abdul tells the magazine.

In other shocking news, the sun rises in the east and old people smell funny. Further bulletins as events warrant!

High as a fucking kite and dressed like a drag queen at the American Idol Experience party: