Pam Anderson, fresh off of calling Jessica Simpson a “bitch and a whore” for wearing a “Real Girls Eat Meat” t-shirt, just took a handsome paycheck for appearing on an episode of Big Brother Australia. But guess who happens to be Big Brother Australia’s biggest sponsor? According to TMZ

“Big Brother Australia’s” biggest sponsor is her #1 public enemy — KFC!

Last time I checked, being defined as a whore required the acceptance of some kind of payment for services performed. No one paid Jessica Simpson to wear that shirt. In fact, the only person I see wallowing in blood money is Pamela D. Anderson. It’s like that old adage goes — “If you point your finger at someone, remember there are 3 more pointing at you!” Unless you’re one of those freaks with flippers and webbed toes you see at the circus, in which case you can lambaste just about anybody you want. I’d probably start with Pamela Anderson.

At a press conference before her Big Brother debut:

Pamela Anderson celebrated her 57 41st birthday over the weekend, and as expected, it was a classy and dignified affair. But one person was noticeably absent from the soiree Saturday — boyfriend ex-husband roommate Tommy Lee. According to The Insider

Pamela Anderson had a busy night without boyfriend Tommy Lee at LAX nightclub pimping herself out to all the many guys there. She was celebrating her birthday, or that’s what she’s saying she was doing. Since when did Criss Angel get back into the picture and that other guy? WTF?

If you weren’t lucky enough to attend the fete, I caught a couple of little snippets for you. I present:

THE TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT PAM ANDERSON’S BIRTHDAY PARTY:

10. “You’ve been vaccinated, right?”

9. “Another video camera! How did you know?”

8. “Oh, look — she’s presenting!”

7. “It’s $40 for the first half-hour.”

6. “Show us your tits!”

5. “Jesus, whose puke is that?”

4. “Tassels! Just what I needed!”

3. “Ooh, a vagina cake! Like how I have a vagina!”

2. “Is it supposed to smell like cheese?”

and the number one thing over heard at Pam Anderson’s birthday bash:

1. “You’re an illusionist, right? Can you make genital warts disappear?

It looks like true love has prevailed once again: Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are back together forever for now. Tommy told Rolling Stone

“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me. It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together. We’ve only given it a try 800 times — 801, here we go.”

It’s nice to see a celebrity couple doing their part to keep the planet green. Instead of aluminum cans and tires, this couple is recycling their relationship. Creative! I’m sure it’s not just a happy coincidence that having sex with Pam Anderson feels just like slapping your penis against the insides of an old tire. Mother Earth offers inspiration almost anywhere!

Pam keeping it classy at the Montreal Opera this week:

Leathery old boozebag Pamela Anderson is set to star in an “observational documentary” series this summer on E! Because that first observational documentary with Tommy Lee didn’t adequately capture the many facets of her personality. People

According to a network release, “Viewers will get to know the real woman behind the famous breasts… Pam at her core, living her life with no regrets.” [The] managing director.. promises the 30-minute series will be “artistically rich and visually stunning.”

“Artistically rich and and visually stunning?” Is it being filmed in the fucking Louvre? This is Pamela Anderson we’re talking about. It should be the ocular equivalent of a pile of beef jerky and surgically removed plantar warts going limp under a heat lamp at a Taco Bell.

The Mona Lisa at her kids’ baseball game Saturday:

It’s official — the marriage of Pamela Anderson and Rick Saloman is over. The couple was granted an annulment yesterday on grounds of fraud. TMZ says

Both Rick and Pam privately stipulated to fraud. Pam promised Rick they would have children together. As we reported, Pam was pregnant at the time the couple separated. Shortly after the separation, we learned Pam was no longer pregnant.

Well, I guess “fraud” does sound better than “she had the fetus torn into chunks and vacuumed out of her snatch after our first fight.” Kinda like how “It’s not you; it’s me” sounds better than “I slept with your roommate and maxed out all the credit cards I opened in your name.” Ladies, I hope you’re taking notes.

Skanking it up at the un-aborteds’ little league practice last week:

Pam Anderson has officially filed for divorce from husband number three Rick Salomon. Again. Page Six says

The two were married on October 7, 2007. Pam filed for divorce the first time on November 27, then withdrew the petition. Just two weeks later, the couple separated. [According to] court documents, Pam says she wants the marriage nullified based on fraud.

“Fraud?” Did Rick pass himself off as the preeminent scholar in the field of Medieval Amatory Tradition and Monastic Theology again? A good rule of thumb, ladies, is if he has his high school equivalency and sex tape with Paris Hilton, he’s probably not the early Renaissance academician he claims to be. It’s a tough lesson for any girl to have to learn.

A couple of promos from Pam’s new cinematic masterpiece “Superhero”:

Pamela Anderson is planning to honor Lakota war hero Crazy Horse on Valentine’s Day. No, wait — I’m getting something here — my sources are now telling me she will not be participating in a tribute to the Native American. I repeat, will not be participating. Naked… yes, yes… stripping… okay, good… My sources have just confirmed that instead she will be showing her beaver at some strip club in France called the Crazy Horse. Now that makes a little more sense! Pamela Anderson, beaver! Boy, the Lakota must be so relieved. According to Female First

The former ‘Baywatch’ actress will perform four times at Paris’ Le Crazy Horse cabaret club on February 13 and 14, after club owner Andree Diessenberg saw her assisting magician Hans Klok in his Las Vegas show last year [and] told People magazine: “When I saw her onstage, I said to myself right away, ‘I have to put her onstage.’ What a knockout! Pamela will perform a Brigitte Bardot tribute number entitled ‘Harley Davidson’ and will also appear in the finale.”

Read: leathery old boozebag astraddle a motorcycle with her worn-out catcher’s mitt spilling over either side of the seat like mudflaps on the back of a semi. Ooh, where do I sign up?

Crusty Whore at the Hard Rock Hotel in Florida January 18th:

Penis punching bag Pamela Anderson is knocked up with soon-to-be ex-husband Rick Saloman’s baby. TMZ says

The divorce between Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon is back on and Pam is pregnant! Sources [says] she is now moving forward with the divorce even though she’s pregnant with his baby. Salomon… believes she is “acting crazy” because of the pregnancy and hopes she will settle back into the marriage.

No doubt about it — Pam’s got to be pregnant. Just look at that with-child glow! I bet even the Virgin Mary herself didn’t look as radiant when she was carrying the Christ. Of course, the Virgin Mary’s liver probably functioned at more than 30% capacity and she didn’t ingest nearly the volume of semen on a daily basis, so it’s kind of like comparing apples and oranges. Well… more like “apples and one of those shriveled up and puckered old hot dogs that got stuck in the bottom of the rotating grill at the 7-11 back in May and fossilized under the heat lamp because the foreign guy behind the counter was too lazy to clean it up.” I dare you to eat it!

Pam terrorizing the locals on Monday:

The impetus behind Pam Anderson’s surprise divorce filing this week has been revealed, and it’s because — dun-dun-dun — she’s a giant whore. Didn’t see that one coming, did you? Page Six says

Spies in Las Vegas say Anderson spent the night before her final performance with magician Hans Klok, “cozying up to” publicity-loving illusionist Criss Angel at club LAX. Pictures were taken, gossip was spread - and Salomon “hit the roof when he found out Pam was hanging out with Criss while he was off at a poker tournament. They had a huge fight,” and Anderson filed for divorce a few days later. A friend of Anderson said, “It was just another log on the fire. Their relationship is so volatile [that] I’m sure this won’t be the last time she files, but nothing happened with her and Criss; they were just hanging out.”

It’s a known fact that “cozying up” is just fancy talk for “pulling down your pants.”¹ This is precisely why you’ll never catch me “cozying up” next to a roaring fire. I like my lady bits un-charred,² thank you very much. Doesn’t make a goddamned lick of sense to get your genitals out near a fire. You might as well pull them out and then hand them them to Pamela Anderson or something. Wait, what were we talking about? Exactly.

¹_{According to Uncle Harold Thanksgiving 1988.}

²_{I also prefer Canadian bacon.}

Hepatitis C forgets her concealer last week:

Listen up, brides-to-be: a couple of wedding planning tips you won’t find in a Martha Stewart magazine. From the NY Daily News

Welcome to holy matrimony, Pam Anderson-style. The bride wore a white denim miniskirt and the wedding cake was made of cardboard. Wedding planners had to bring in a fake wedding cake because they were given only one-day’s notice. The 40 guests enjoyed pigs in a blanket, macaroni and cheese, and tuna and lobster tacos.

Anderson announced [her and Salomon's] union on her blog: “The Adventures of Scum and Pam Have Begun.”

If you want to class up your nuptials, take a page from Pammy here and have the guests toss condoms at you instead of rice. Serve Pabst Blue Ribbon in a can instead of champagne. Let the wedding party do their keg stands first. Park your Harley under the fishing pier. Bring enough meth for everyone. Make sure your pasties match your crotchless panties. Pull off the bride’s garter with your teeth. And don’t forget about graveside flower arrangements! They make great centerpieces, and they don’t cost you a fucking dime.

P.S. Tuna taco and pigs in a blanket? Jesus. It’s just begging a Michael Scott “That’s what she said.”

More from the wedding of the decade after the jump

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Pamela Anderson and Rick Solomon aren’t going to let a string of failed marriages and myriad sex tapes get in the way of making their fairy tale romance a reality. According to People magazine

The former Baywatch star and Rick Salomon have applied for – and were granted – a marriage license in Las Vegas on Saturday. The pair, who headed back to Los Angeles Saturday night, have been staying at Anderson’s Malibu beach house. Earlier this month, Anderson revealed that she was dating a new mystery man. “I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors, and I fell in love,” Anderson [said] of her new guy. “It’s so romantic. It’s romance.”

Ooh, romance! Just like in “Casablanca” and “Cum Sluts 4: Carnal Casserole.” Pam and Rick should really consider going into the greeting card industry. They could show Hallmark a thing or two about capturing the subtleties of romance. Things like “Happy Birthday — I want to squirt on your turd-cutter” or “It’s Our Anniversary… and I’m gonna punch that pussy till it fuckin’ bleeds.” Or maybe something with “butt nuggets” and “ball sack.” I’ll let Pam and Rick figure out the wording. They’re the love experts, not me.

More of daytime hooker Pam after the jump

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Friends of Pamela Anderson are growing increasingly concerned over the former Playmate’s nonstop boozing. According to Page Six

“She parties almost every night,” our source said. “She drinks, she does stuff . . . and she’s got hepatitis C. Her liver is shot but she keeps living this crazy lifestyle. We don’t think she understands how serious this is. She has two kids and may not be around to see them grow up at this rate.” The increasingly haggard pin-up has gotten even wilder now that she’s hanging with Paris Hilton’s sex-tape partner, Rick Salomon. “They went wild over the VMA weekend,” the spy added. “I just watched them party with my jaw open.” She’s telling pals alternately that she is either engaged or already married to Salomon, whom she’s only known about six weeks.

I defy anyone to claim Pamela Anderson isn’t a bastion of wisdom and sound decision! In fact, I personally — just a moment, folks — I’m getting something here… my sources are now telling me that “bastion” does not mean “diseased slutbag.” My apologies. What I meant to say is “Pamela Anderson is a stupid smelly twat with shit for brains.” Perhaps the word I was actually looking for was “Paris Hilton.”

More of the bastion in her prime after the jump

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