Boy, Dolly Parton really needs to lay off the meth. And maybe see about finding a brush and a moist towelette.

Pam Anderson at Carnival in Rio de Janeiro yesterday:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

You know your career’s in the shitter when your guest-star spot on a reality show requires 17 different vaccinations and a warning about drinking the water. The Daily Mail says:

Pamela Anderson has joined the cast of the Indian version of the reality TV show “Big Brother.”

Dressed in a white sari, the 43-year-old actress surprised the celebrity housemates on Bigg Boss when she arrived unannounced last night.

The former Baywatch star will appear on the show for three days before leaving on Friday.

Well, I’m sure this will open the door for lots of new opportunities for Pam Anderson. Things like the Bangladesh “Dancing with the Stars” and Slovenian “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” Promotional appearances at Rite-Aid and Baywatch royalties must not pay like they used to.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The always-classy Pamela Anderson got so drunk yesterday she had to be hauled out of L.A. nightclub Guys and Dolls at two in the morning. The Daily Mail says

The former Baywatch beauty was pictured staggering out of a Hollywood nightclub, propped up by a minder.

With her head bowed and her hair in a bedraggled mess, Pammy, 42, [was] sporting some rather unattractive stains around the bust of her skin-tight short grey dress.

Maybe it was sweat patches from her efforts on the nightclub dance floor, or perhaps she had just spilt drink down her.

Or maybe her implants ruptured and started leaking. Or maybe her nipples leave skidmarks now. Some mysteries were never meant to be solved, my friends, like Keith Richard’s liver or how far east can you go before you’re technically heading west. You’ll just end up hurting yourself if you think about it too much.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Dallas pilot Jake Pavelka revealed on last night’s Bachelor finale that he will be starring on the tenth season of ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars,” along with some other equally D-list has-beens and nobodies. People Magazine says

[The season ten cast includes] astronaut Buzz Aldrin, reality star Kate Gosselin, Olympic gold medalist Evan Lysacek, actresses [Shannon] Doherty and [Pamela] Anderson, Pussycat Dolls star Nicole Scherzinger, soap star Aiden Turner, NFL star Chad Ochocinco, ESPN’s Erin Andrews, and actress-comedian Niecy Nash.

The new Dancing season kicks off March 22 on ABC.

Well, the good news is that Kate Gosselin already has her very own Asian sweatshop at her disposal. That ought to save the DWTS costume department a fortune in lycra-polyester blends and manual labor.

Beauty, they name is Pamela Anderson! Wait, did I just said “beauty?” Because I meant “doody.” Doody, they name is Pamela Anderson. She looks like a meth addict who spent the night blowing truckers at a rest stop off I-40. Huffing kerosene in a drainage ditch must not be the fountain of youth I thought it was.

In Hollywood Saturday night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Page Six asks this morning, “Are Pamela Anderson’s famous looks fading?” I think it’s pretty safe to say they were being completely sarcastic. Bitch looks like she got walloped with the business end of the ugly stick. Page Six adds:

At [Pam's] fragrance launch in Miami, her manager demanded that photographers shoot her only with a “ring flash,” which eliminates shadows and imperfections. [Several] celebrity lensman argued that the flash requires a large battery pack and slows the job, [so Anderson's manager] then banned [them] and all others without a ring flash from Saturday’s Make-A-Wish Ball. Several photographers boycotted the charity event [over Anderson's ring-flash demands].

I don’t think a couple of fancy flash bulbs are gonna magically to turn back the clock twenty years and suddenly convince everyone that Pamela Anderson is beautiful again. It’s be like dumping a teaspoon of water on a gasoline fire or making a hooker put her teeth back in after giving you a blowjob. Look, we’ve been to the puppet show, we’ve seen the strings. The damage is already done, baby. You ain’t foolin’ anybody with that shit.

Looking pregnant last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

I don’t know what the hell is wrong with Pamela Anderson, but chances are good she can turn milk into yogurt just by looking at it now. You could cross a rubber mask with syphilis and get something more believably human.

Leaving the ‘Whisky Mist’ night club in Mayfair:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Baywatch star Pamela Anderson is up to her big fake breast implants in unpaid bills and back-taxes. Star Magazine says

Pam owes more than $1.2 million to creditors, including construction companies she stiffed after they remodeled her five-bedroom Malibu Colony home last year!

[Pam owes] Bruder Construction company $674,043… in addition to liens from countless other construction companies, Pam also owes $252,360 to California’s Franchise Tax Board in unpaid income tax from 2007.

Well, she could always make a few bucks selling her own skin to reupholster car interiors. People are always in the market for good quality leather!

I’m sure you’ve asked yourself hundreds of times, “What can I do to get Pamela Anderson’s sparkling peaches and cream complexion?” Well, contracting Hepatitis C is a good start, but it takes more than just a viral disease to get that kind of glow. She tells next month’s Elle Magazine

“What does it take to look like me? Not much. I don’t wear sunscreen. I don’t have a skincare program. I have no dermatologist and no cosmetic surgeon. Nothing’s been shot into this face.”

Nothing except six or seven pints of spooge, of course. But don’t push yourself — it took her forty years to achieve that kind of seminal volume. Just keep on sucking random dick, hit the tanning bed four or five times a day, drink tequila straight out of the bottle and practice juggling with dirty needles, and eventually, your skin will look like hers. I promise!

More of that gorgeous visage:

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News

Where do bad folks go when they die? I don’t know. But wherever it is, it’s pretty obvious from these pictures that Pamela Anderson has frequent flier miles there.

PETA advocate Pamela Anderson was on hand at the grand opening of the Sapphire’s new strip club/steakhouse in New York yesterday, but not on behalf of the innocent cows who had to die for you to get that boner/beef steak combo — she was just there collecting a paycheck. Is that Colonel Sanders I hear laughing in the background? She might rather go naked than wear fur, but I guess she’d also rather cash in on cow murder than be poor. I’d like to see PETA put that one on a poster. Never have the words “strip steak” and “tenderloin tips” been so fraught with sexual innuendo and personal compromise!

I guess having three failed three failed marriages under her g-string isn’t enough for Pamela Anderson — the former Playmate is reportedly gearing up to marry her professional scuba diver boyfriend, Jamie Padgett. According to The Sun

[Pamela] has sparked rumors that she is set to wed for the third time after one of her designer pals told friends he is working on the busty actress’ new wedding dress.

Before him, she was married to TOMMY LEE, KID ROCK and RICK SALOMON.

A “professional” scuba diver? In my day, we called them “free-loading beach bums.” Of course, we also called beer “giggle water” and black people “darkies” and television “the talking picture box.” The next time a crazy scientist in a DeLorean DMC-12 offers me a ride, I’m going to have to pass.

With her son and the bum on Malibu beach: