I don’t know what the hell is wrong with Pamela Anderson, but chances are good she can turn milk into yogurt just by looking at it now. You could cross a rubber mask with syphilis and get something more believably human.

Leaving the ‘Whisky Mist’ night club in Mayfair:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Baywatch star Pamela Anderson is up to her big fake breast implants in unpaid bills and back-taxes. Star Magazine says

Pam owes more than $1.2 million to creditors, including construction companies she stiffed after they remodeled her five-bedroom Malibu Colony home last year!

[Pam owes] Bruder Construction company $674,043… in addition to liens from countless other construction companies, Pam also owes $252,360 to California’s Franchise Tax Board in unpaid income tax from 2007.

Well, she could always make a few bucks selling her own skin to reupholster car interiors. People are always in the market for good quality leather!

I’m sure you’ve asked yourself hundreds of times, “What can I do to get Pamela Anderson’s sparkling peaches and cream complexion?” Well, contracting Hepatitis C is a good start, but it takes more than just a viral disease to get that kind of glow. She tells next month’s Elle Magazine

“What does it take to look like me? Not much. I don’t wear sunscreen. I don’t have a skincare program. I have no dermatologist and no cosmetic surgeon. Nothing’s been shot into this face.”

Nothing except six or seven pints of spooge, of course. But don’t push yourself — it took her forty years to achieve that kind of seminal volume. Just keep on sucking random dick, hit the tanning bed four or five times a day, drink tequila straight out of the bottle and practice juggling with dirty needles, and eventually, your skin will look like hers. I promise!

More of that gorgeous visage:

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News

Where do bad folks go when they die? I don’t know. But wherever it is, it’s pretty obvious from these pictures that Pamela Anderson has frequent flier miles there.

PETA advocate Pamela Anderson was on hand at the grand opening of the Sapphire’s new strip club/steakhouse in New York yesterday, but not on behalf of the innocent cows who had to die for you to get that boner/beef steak combo — she was just there collecting a paycheck. Is that Colonel Sanders I hear laughing in the background? She might rather go naked than wear fur, but I guess she’d also rather cash in on cow murder than be poor. I’d like to see PETA put that one on a poster. Never have the words “strip steak” and “tenderloin tips” been so fraught with sexual innuendo and personal compromise!

I guess having three failed three failed marriages under her g-string isn’t enough for Pamela Anderson — the former Playmate is reportedly gearing up to marry her professional scuba diver boyfriend, Jamie Padgett. According to The Sun

[Pamela] has sparked rumors that she is set to wed for the third time after one of her designer pals told friends he is working on the busty actress’ new wedding dress.

Before him, she was married to TOMMY LEE, KID ROCK and RICK SALOMON.

A “professional” scuba diver? In my day, we called them “free-loading beach bums.” Of course, we also called beer “giggle water” and black people “darkies” and television “the talking picture box.” The next time a crazy scientist in a DeLorean DMC-12 offers me a ride, I’m going to have to pass.

With her son and the bum on Malibu beach:

Pamela Anderson has been chosen to be the new face of designer Vivienne Westwood’s spring/summer campaign, and boy, what a face. God damn. You could stop traffic with that kind of face. And also the brain function of most mortals unequipped with garlic crosses. But good on Vivienne Westwood for going for the unique. Really, you don’t usually find a face like that unless it’s mortared to a cathedral with the rest of the medieval gargoyles.

Hosting the Athletes and Angels Super Bowl party last weekend:

PHOTO CREDIT: Mavrix Online

Welcome to Hog Heaven! Tonight’s special is the grilled-to-perfection Cave Bacon and Beef Curtain Wrap (click header image for closeup), served with a heaping side of Hepatitis C. For only a dollar more, smother your Cave Bacon and Beef Curtain Wrap with aging rocker dick cheese (your choice Kid Rock or Tommy Lee)! Face spooge not included. Price and participation may vary. See your server for details.

Pamela Anderson and her nasty beav at the opening of Hans Klok’s Amsterdam show on Friday:

Pamela Anderson showed up at fashion photographer David LaChapelle’s ‘Jesus Is My Homeboy’ art exhibition over the weekend with the dewy complexion of a recently-unearthed potato and enough makeup to repaint the Sistine Chapel. Oh, and did I mention she wasn’t wearing any pants? According to the Daily Mail

The former Baywatch star caused a stir when she arrived at one of the most important art exhibitions in the U.S., Art Basel Miami Beach, wearing a pair of orange and black patterned underpants.

Anderson at least covered the top half of her modesty, with a grey off-the-shoulder t-shirt. Anderson enjoyed playing up to the cameras as she seductively bent over paintings, with her bottom and pink high heels in the air.

That just goes to show you that what you see in cartoons don’t always translate to real life. Sure, the whole “no pants” thing works for Donald Duck and Squidward, but experience has taught me that it doesn’t fly in the work place or while loitering outside the schoolyard. You also might want to pass on “swapping cigars with TNT” and “dressing up as a sexy girl rabbit to fool your captors.” Believe me, there are just some things from which the human mouth never recovers.

Pam Anderson clings desperately to her rapidly waning beauty like a turd on a dog’s hindquarters–they’re both yesterday’s tidbits and they’re both full of germs. Now Magazine reports,

Pammy says she’s planning to strip off for Playboy – for the 14th time!

‘I don’t like the number 13,’ she says. ‘I’ve got one more left in me.’

So how does the mother of two keep her enviable figure?

‘I don’t have an exercise routine,’ she says. ‘I run after my kids and I’m outside all the time on the beach. I’m just very active.’

I bet the symptoms from her Hepatitis B help with keeping her thin too, since the symptoms include nausea, lack of appetite, and diarhhea. Will Playboy have a companion article about that, too?

At Vivienne Westwood show in London:

Pamela Anderson showed up at the Vivienne Westwood fashion show in London yesterday in a cut-to-there dress, proving once again that she’s still got it. “It” of course being “the scabrous complexion of a truck stop hooker with HIV.” Lot lizards everywhere must be so jealous!

Pam Anderson, fresh off of calling Jessica Simpson a “bitch and a whore” for wearing a “Real Girls Eat Meat” t-shirt, just took a handsome paycheck for appearing on an episode of Big Brother Australia. But guess who happens to be Big Brother Australia’s biggest sponsor? According to TMZ

“Big Brother Australia’s” biggest sponsor is her #1 public enemy — KFC!

Last time I checked, being defined as a whore required the acceptance of some kind of payment for services performed. No one paid Jessica Simpson to wear that shirt. In fact, the only person I see wallowing in blood money is Pamela D. Anderson. It’s like that old adage goes — “If you point your finger at someone, remember there are 3 more pointing at you!” Unless you’re one of those freaks with flippers and webbed toes you see at the circus, in which case you can lambaste just about anybody you want. I’d probably start with Pamela Anderson.

At a press conference before her Big Brother debut: