I guess having three failed three failed marriages under her g-string isn’t enough for Pamela Anderson — the former Playmate is reportedly gearing up to marry her professional scuba diver boyfriend, Jamie Padgett. According to The Sun

[Pamela] has sparked rumors that she is set to wed for the third time after one of her designer pals told friends he is working on the busty actress’ new wedding dress.

Before him, she was married to TOMMY LEE, KID ROCK and RICK SALOMON.

A “professional” scuba diver? In my day, we called them “free-loading beach bums.” Of course, we also called beer “giggle water” and black people “darkies” and television “the talking picture box.” The next time a crazy scientist in a DeLorean DMC-12 offers me a ride, I’m going to have to pass.

With her son and the bum on Malibu beach:

Pamela Anderson has been chosen to be the new face of designer Vivienne Westwood’s spring/summer campaign, and boy, what a face. God damn. You could stop traffic with that kind of face. And also the brain function of most mortals unequipped with garlic crosses. But good on Vivienne Westwood for going for the unique. Really, you don’t usually find a face like that unless it’s mortared to a cathedral with the rest of the medieval gargoyles.

Hosting the Athletes and Angels Super Bowl party last weekend:

PHOTO CREDIT: Mavrix Online

Welcome to Hog Heaven! Tonight’s special is the grilled-to-perfection Cave Bacon and Beef Curtain Wrap (click header image for closeup), served with a heaping side of Hepatitis C. For only a dollar more, smother your Cave Bacon and Beef Curtain Wrap with aging rocker dick cheese (your choice Kid Rock or Tommy Lee)! Face spooge not included. Price and participation may vary. See your server for details.

Pamela Anderson and her nasty beav at the opening of Hans Klok’s Amsterdam show on Friday:

Pamela Anderson showed up at fashion photographer David LaChapelle’s ‘Jesus Is My Homeboy’ art exhibition over the weekend with the dewy complexion of a recently-unearthed potato and enough makeup to repaint the Sistine Chapel. Oh, and did I mention she wasn’t wearing any pants? According to the Daily Mail

The former Baywatch star caused a stir when she arrived at one of the most important art exhibitions in the U.S., Art Basel Miami Beach, wearing a pair of orange and black patterned underpants.

Anderson at least covered the top half of her modesty, with a grey off-the-shoulder t-shirt. Anderson enjoyed playing up to the cameras as she seductively bent over paintings, with her bottom and pink high heels in the air.

That just goes to show you that what you see in cartoons don’t always translate to real life. Sure, the whole “no pants” thing works for Donald Duck and Squidward, but experience has taught me that it doesn’t fly in the work place or while loitering outside the schoolyard. You also might want to pass on “swapping cigars with TNT” and “dressing up as a sexy girl rabbit to fool your captors.” Believe me, there are just some things from which the human mouth never recovers.

Pam Anderson clings desperately to her rapidly waning beauty like a turd on a dog’s hindquarters–they’re both yesterday’s tidbits and they’re both full of germs. Now Magazine reports,

Pammy says she’s planning to strip off for Playboy – for the 14th time!

‘I don’t like the number 13,’ she says. ‘I’ve got one more left in me.’

So how does the mother of two keep her enviable figure?

‘I don’t have an exercise routine,’ she says. ‘I run after my kids and I’m outside all the time on the beach. I’m just very active.’

I bet the symptoms from her Hepatitis B help with keeping her thin too, since the symptoms include nausea, lack of appetite, and diarhhea. Will Playboy have a companion article about that, too?

At Vivienne Westwood show in London:

Pamela Anderson showed up at the Vivienne Westwood fashion show in London yesterday in a cut-to-there dress, proving once again that she’s still got it. “It” of course being “the scabrous complexion of a truck stop hooker with HIV.” Lot lizards everywhere must be so jealous!

Pam Anderson, fresh off of calling Jessica Simpson a “bitch and a whore” for wearing a “Real Girls Eat Meat” t-shirt, just took a handsome paycheck for appearing on an episode of Big Brother Australia. But guess who happens to be Big Brother Australia’s biggest sponsor? According to TMZ

“Big Brother Australia’s” biggest sponsor is her #1 public enemy — KFC!

Last time I checked, being defined as a whore required the acceptance of some kind of payment for services performed. No one paid Jessica Simpson to wear that shirt. In fact, the only person I see wallowing in blood money is Pamela D. Anderson. It’s like that old adage goes — “If you point your finger at someone, remember there are 3 more pointing at you!” Unless you’re one of those freaks with flippers and webbed toes you see at the circus, in which case you can lambaste just about anybody you want. I’d probably start with Pamela Anderson.

At a press conference before her Big Brother debut:

Pamela Anderson celebrated her 57 41st birthday over the weekend, and as expected, it was a classy and dignified affair. But one person was noticeably absent from the soiree Saturday — boyfriend ex-husband roommate Tommy Lee. According to The Insider

Pamela Anderson had a busy night without boyfriend Tommy Lee at LAX nightclub pimping herself out to all the many guys there. She was celebrating her birthday, or that’s what she’s saying she was doing. Since when did Criss Angel get back into the picture and that other guy? WTF?

If you weren’t lucky enough to attend the fete, I caught a couple of little snippets for you. I present:

THE TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT PAM ANDERSON’S BIRTHDAY PARTY:

10. “You’ve been vaccinated, right?”

9. “Another video camera! How did you know?”

8. “Oh, look — she’s presenting!”

7. “It’s $40 for the first half-hour.”

6. “Show us your tits!”

5. “Jesus, whose puke is that?”

4. “Tassels! Just what I needed!”

3. “Ooh, a vagina cake! Like how I have a vagina!”

2. “Is it supposed to smell like cheese?”

and the number one thing over heard at Pam Anderson’s birthday bash:

1. “You’re an illusionist, right? Can you make genital warts disappear?

It looks like true love has prevailed once again: Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson are back together forever for now. Tommy told Rolling Stone

“Pamela and the kids have moved in with me. It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together. We’ve only given it a try 800 times — 801, here we go.”

It’s nice to see a celebrity couple doing their part to keep the planet green. Instead of aluminum cans and tires, this couple is recycling their relationship. Creative! I’m sure it’s not just a happy coincidence that having sex with Pam Anderson feels just like slapping your penis against the insides of an old tire. Mother Earth offers inspiration almost anywhere!

Pam keeping it classy at the Montreal Opera this week:

Leathery old boozebag Pamela Anderson is set to star in an “observational documentary” series this summer on E! Because that first observational documentary with Tommy Lee didn’t adequately capture the many facets of her personality. People

According to a network release, “Viewers will get to know the real woman behind the famous breasts… Pam at her core, living her life with no regrets.” [The] managing director.. promises the 30-minute series will be “artistically rich and visually stunning.”

“Artistically rich and and visually stunning?” Is it being filmed in the fucking Louvre? This is Pamela Anderson we’re talking about. It should be the ocular equivalent of a pile of beef jerky and surgically removed plantar warts going limp under a heat lamp at a Taco Bell.

The Mona Lisa at her kids’ baseball game Saturday:

It’s official — the marriage of Pamela Anderson and Rick Saloman is over. The couple was granted an annulment yesterday on grounds of fraud. TMZ says

Both Rick and Pam privately stipulated to fraud. Pam promised Rick they would have children together. As we reported, Pam was pregnant at the time the couple separated. Shortly after the separation, we learned Pam was no longer pregnant.

Well, I guess “fraud” does sound better than “she had the fetus torn into chunks and vacuumed out of her snatch after our first fight.” Kinda like how “It’s not you; it’s me” sounds better than “I slept with your roommate and maxed out all the credit cards I opened in your name.” Ladies, I hope you’re taking notes.

Skanking it up at the un-aborteds’ little league practice last week:

Pam Anderson has officially filed for divorce from husband number three Rick Salomon. Again. Page Six says

The two were married on October 7, 2007. Pam filed for divorce the first time on November 27, then withdrew the petition. Just two weeks later, the couple separated. [According to] court documents, Pam says she wants the marriage nullified based on fraud.

“Fraud?” Did Rick pass himself off as the preeminent scholar in the field of Medieval Amatory Tradition and Monastic Theology again? A good rule of thumb, ladies, is if he has his high school equivalency and sex tape with Paris Hilton, he’s probably not the early Renaissance academician he claims to be. It’s a tough lesson for any girl to have to learn.

A couple of promos from Pam’s new cinematic masterpiece “Superhero”: