Paris Hilton was in the passenger seat of boyfriend Ty Waits’ Bentley when he allegedly ran over one of the paparazzi that swarmed his car outside a Hollywood restaurant last night. Radar Online says:

Video of the incident clearly shows that Waits was behind the wheel of his Bentley when he ran over the leg of a photographer, only identified as ‘Carol’.

The car was surrounded by paparazzi when Waits “gunned” the car and hit the woman, who was knocked to the pavement.

The video shows Waits rolled down his window and asked if the pap was OK, to which another photographer responded, “yes” and told him to go.

Waits and Hilton then left the scene of the accident, but then on the video, you can hear someone yelling, “hit and run… hit and run.”

Police were called to the scene and were later seen questioning Waits, and giving him a field sobriety test.

I hate Paris Hilton as much as the next anonymous blogger, but if you watch the video (here), you’ll see it was clearly the dumbass photographer’s fault. A) She goes into the street and stands IN FRONT OF THE GODDAMN CAR to take her pictures, and B) Paris’ boyfriend waits a good thirty seconds so the paparazzi can get their stupid pictures, then gives a courtesy honk, then revs the engine to indicating his intent to move forward, and only then does he begin to inch forward when fatty collapses to the ground in a heap. At that point, Waits rolls down his window and asks if fatty’s okay (fatty’s already up and walking out of the street — where she shouldn’t have been in the first place, mind you — to go and sit down on the sidewalk) and another paparazzo tells him “oh, she’s fine” and that they should “go ahead and go.” All the moaning and wailing and accusations of hit and run conveniently don’t start until after Paris and Ty pull away. Bottom line: you can’t make yourself the victim and then expect me to feel sorry for you. Rewarding the culture of victimhood is really more of a job for the current administration, anyway.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Now it’s time to play, “Who’s the Bigger Douche?”. Everyone loves to hate paparazzi, so when one gets pitted against a creepily grinning Mel Gibson, it’s hard to know who to root for. Mel stops his car, gets out, and comes walking up to the pap’s car recording video with his phone. Mel and the pap go back and forth with each other, spouting gems like, “You got a lot of dialogue, don’t you?” “Oh I got everything up my sleeve, buddy, and I have a short-sleeve shirt on.” Zing! They stop just short of saying, “I know you are, but what am I?” It couldn’t get any gayer if both of them pulled out their penises and had a sword fight. Which, by the way Mel protests so loudly against gays, he might actually enjoy.

A flamboyant gay man acting like a little bitch in a catfight? Say it ain’t so. One minute Adam Lambert is chilling out, flashing peace signs while looking like a douche, the other minute, he flip-flops like a hormonal girl and starting wailing on a pap. And by “wailing”, I mean, “flapping his hands at the wrist” and “subjecting his victim to dry-humping”. Popeater describes the event:

“Eeew paparazzi killed my peaceful afternoon on the beach!” the singer, 28, told his Twitter followers Thursday. “They’re real good at provoking, but there ain’t any pics or video of the bs they spew out.”

No, but there are plenty of images of Lambert slapping, grabbing and damn-near mounting the photographer, who is seen trying to escape the grasp of the singer while holding onto his camera.

In other images, another man, possibly Lambert’s friend, is seen trying to break up the fight.

The Miami Beach PD is investigating the incident, according to TMZ.

The ‘For Your Entertainment’ wailer was wearing a large straw cabana hat and goofy sunglasses at the time of the encounter, which he apparently thinks was awesome.

“Hahha the photos are hilarious!!! LOL please everyone forgive me for that hat,” he said on Twitter. “I was attempting a disguise — clearly failed.”

Of course he apologizes for a fashion faux pas, and not for the unprovoked attacked. This guy is douchier than the bulk pack of Summer’s Eve at Costco.

Picture source: Bauer-Griffin

Tila Tequila is distraught, y’all.  She’s in mourning. She’s so heartbroken over the death of Casey Johnson that she can’t even get out of bed in the morning.  Unless there are paparazzi around (because she called them) and then she gets all dolled up in some brand new shoes and booty shorts, spackles on enough makeup for eight municipal beauty pageants, sticks a flower in her hair and makes sure her cartoonishly enormous chesticles are busting the hell out of her top.  Then she climbs into a goddamn tree and smiles like she just won the lottery.  Because she’s SO SAD, you see.  And also because her idea of winning the lottery is whenever anyone pays attention to her for five consecutive seconds.

Nicole Richie was rear-ended by paparazzi yesterday afternoon while on her way to… eh, who really cares. The New York Daily News says

“Ms. Richie was driving with a passenger around 2 p.m. when she was struck by two photographers driving in one vehicle behind her,” said the Beverly Hills Police. “Her car sustained moderate damage. No paramedics were called to the scene.”

Richie, 28, reportedly complained of pain, however opted to skip going to the hospital to see her own private doctors. Her two children were not in the vehicle.

The unidentified driver, who rear-ended the new mom, was arrested and booked for driving without a license.

The real joke in all this is the dumbass paparazzi, who lost his car and possibly his illegal immigrant status under the misguided notion that people actually care about seeing pictures of Nicole fucking Richie. Just like how one might say I am under the misguided notion that you actually want to read about what happens to Nicole fucking Richie. Well-played, readers! Well-played.

In the October issue of Vivi magazine (like you really give a shit):

Jay-Z and Beyonce’s bodyguard assaulted a man who dared to take their picture while they were on vacation in Dubrovnik yesterday. NY Daily News says

The couple’s bodyguard had a scuffle with a Croatian paparazzo Tuesday night, tossing the photog’s tripod into the sea. Jay and his muscle gave paps the finger while speeding off in their motorboat.

A rep for the rapper declined to comment.

You know, if this had taken place in the United States instead of Croatia, and Jay-Z were white and the paparazzo were black, this would qualify as a “hate crime” and Jay-Z would get a minimum of six years in a state penitentiary. But it’s an Eastern Bloc nation and Jay-Z’s the black guy, so all that Croatian dude will get is a big “fuck you.” Celebrity justice at its finest!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Katie Holmes took Suri Cruise shopping for dolls and/or doll-related crap at the American Girl store, and Suri gave a special sort of hello.  Either lil Suri has had it up to here with the paparazzi, or she has a preternaturally adult understanding of how creepy dolls are with their glassy eyes that are always staring at you and following you around the room and WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME, DOLL, WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Suri knows what I’m talkin’ about.  Here she is, flippin’ the bird, telling the dolls and the paparazzi and probably all the rest of us to fuck right off:

Since being dumped by Samantha Ronson two weeks ago, Lindsay Lohan has reverted back to her old pre-rehab self: boozing, clubbing, and all the penis she can swallow — including that of British paparazzo Chris Jepson. According to Page Six

On April 15, Lohan and Jepson were inseparable at a Hollywood Hills house party. They even went into a bathroom together and didn’t come out for quite some time.

Friends fear that Lohan is in a “meltdown” situation and has no career to fall back on.

Since the Ronson split, the former starlet has not only gone back to men — she’s also gone back to partying all night, every night. Last week, she hit six clubs in one evening. Lohan doesn’t have a rep and her former publicist didn’t return calls.

Now, let’s see… floundering career, boning the paparazzi, bulimia, drugs, binge drinking, compulsive spending and a very publicly failed relationship. Now why does this sound so familiar? Just give me a minute and I’m sure it’ll come to me.

The picture of health shopping on Melrose with sister Ali:

Julia Roberts went completely fucking insane on the paparazzi as they followed her and her two children from a burger joint yesterday. There was practically blood pouring from her nostrils and she was almost shaking, she was so pissed. And rightfully so. People do not like it when you hide in bushes to take pictures of their children. Also not popular with the mommy types? Pulling down your pants and asking the kiddies “which one the no-no hole is.”

Privacy-violating pictures of Hazel and Phinnaeus:

Sienna Miller was awarded $27,000 in damages and an apology from Britain’s Daily Star yesterday after the tabloid published photos of her “in distress” while being “harassed by the paparazzi.” Kind of like the pictures you see above. E! Online reports

The photo in question was published Sept. 11. It shows the 26-year-old in the lobby of a Los Angeles building cornered by more than a dozen cameramen while waiting for an elevator. Video footage of the scene showed Miller red-faced and near tears.

In addition to the monetary settlement, the Daily Star issued an apology in today’s newspaper.

“We accept, as we said in the article, that Ms. Miller was extremely harassed and distressed by persistent pursuit and intimidating tactics adopted by numerous paparazzi in seeking to obtain photographs of her, including the very photograph that we published. We apologize to Sienna for publishing this photograph.”

Well, that settles it! You can’t go around making sluts cry and then take their picture. Good to know. I’ll have to make some schedule changes to my afternoon. In any event, Sienna still has a legal bone (ha ha!) to pick with the tabloids.

Miller lodged a separate privacy-violation action against the News of the World and Sun tabloids in July, along with the Big Picture paparazzi agency, seeking in excess of $180,000 for publishing the now-infamous topless photos of her and Getty on their Italian vacation over the summer.

That would be these pictures right here. Yes. Now, I’m not a rocket scientist or anything, but from what I remember in school, if you don’t want your topless picture taken, then DON’T GO OUT IN BROAD DAYLIGHT WITH YOUR TITS FLOPPED OUT YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!!!!! Aaarrrgh! That was a frustrated noise, not a pirate exclamation. Although I do like pirate talk. I figure “filthy bilge rat” and “scurvy slut bag” just about covers it. Now we just have to figure out a way for her to walk the plank without trying to mount it.

Boo fucking hoo:

Lindsay Lohan took a page from Amy Winehouse’s book and punched a photographer in the face Sunday night outside the Bowery Hotel. According to TMZ

Lilo was heading into the hotel in NYC Sunday night when she tripped over a metal barricade that had been set up. Lindsay must have thought one of the paps tripped her because she turned around and punched a photog in the nose!

She was on the phone at the time and, after the punch, told whoever she was talking to, “Oh my God, I just hit a paparazzi.” Cops were called to the scene, but no charges were made.

And that, my friends, is the only way to deftly turn an embarrassing situation into an empowering one. Punch the person closest to you in the face. Dropped your pencil? Aim for the mouth, sister! Spilled your drink on your blouse? Right hook and cross! Shit your pants? Bitch slap the guy on the stool beside you! It’s a can’t-lose. Now, if no one’s within punching range and it’s pretty obvious you tripped yourself, try an anguished “Nazi bastards!” before you sink to your knees and shake your fist at the sky. It works because nobody likes Nazis. Especially ghost Nazis that go around tripping people. They’re second only to Lindsay Lohan in most hated national polls!

Watch the video here.

Britney Spears hasn’t been photographed driving aimlessly between L.A. gas stations in the weeks since dad Jamie took over her estate — instead, she’s cleaned up her act, making regular visits with her sons, showing up for work and wearing underpants again. There are even rumors that she may make a surprise appearance at the Kids’ Choice Awards on Friday. With all this good behavior under her elastic waist band, Daddy has finally eased up a little on his strict no-driving policy and let her back behind the wheel. A source tells OK! Magazine

“Britney is addicted to driving,” an insider tells OK!. “Initially, her father wouldn’t let her drive at all, but he knows how much she loves it and it calms her, so he’s softened the restriction. He now lets her toodle around the block in her gated community.”

When asked for comment, Britney rocked back and forth in her seat and said “I’m an excellent driver. Dad lets me drive slow on the driveway every Saturday. Dad lets me drive slow on the driveway. But not on Monday, definitely not on Monday. Uh oh, fifteen minutes to Judge Wapner.”

Leaving the dentist yesterday: