Tila Tequila is distraught, y’all.  She’s in mourning. She’s so heartbroken over the death of Casey Johnson that she can’t even get out of bed in the morning.  Unless there are paparazzi around (because she called them) and then she gets all dolled up in some brand new shoes and booty shorts, spackles on enough makeup for eight municipal beauty pageants, sticks a flower in her hair and makes sure her cartoonishly enormous chesticles are busting the hell out of her top.  Then she climbs into a goddamn tree and smiles like she just won the lottery.  Because she’s SO SAD, you see.  And also because her idea of winning the lottery is whenever anyone pays attention to her for five consecutive seconds.

Nicole Richie was rear-ended by paparazzi yesterday afternoon while on her way to… eh, who really cares. The New York Daily News says

“Ms. Richie was driving with a passenger around 2 p.m. when she was struck by two photographers driving in one vehicle behind her,” said the Beverly Hills Police. “Her car sustained moderate damage. No paramedics were called to the scene.”

Richie, 28, reportedly complained of pain, however opted to skip going to the hospital to see her own private doctors. Her two children were not in the vehicle.

The unidentified driver, who rear-ended the new mom, was arrested and booked for driving without a license.

The real joke in all this is the dumbass paparazzi, who lost his car and possibly his illegal immigrant status under the misguided notion that people actually care about seeing pictures of Nicole fucking Richie. Just like how one might say I am under the misguided notion that you actually want to read about what happens to Nicole fucking Richie. Well-played, readers! Well-played.

In the October issue of Vivi magazine (like you really give a shit):

Jay-Z and Beyonce’s bodyguard assaulted a man who dared to take their picture while they were on vacation in Dubrovnik yesterday. NY Daily News says

The couple’s bodyguard had a scuffle with a Croatian paparazzo Tuesday night, tossing the photog’s tripod into the sea. Jay and his muscle gave paps the finger while speeding off in their motorboat.

A rep for the rapper declined to comment.

You know, if this had taken place in the United States instead of Croatia, and Jay-Z were white and the paparazzo were black, this would qualify as a “hate crime” and Jay-Z would get a minimum of six years in a state penitentiary. But it’s an Eastern Bloc nation and Jay-Z’s the black guy, so all that Croatian dude will get is a big “fuck you.” Celebrity justice at its finest!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Katie Holmes took Suri Cruise shopping for dolls and/or doll-related crap at the American Girl store, and Suri gave a special sort of hello.  Either lil Suri has had it up to here with the paparazzi, or she has a preternaturally adult understanding of how creepy dolls are with their glassy eyes that are always staring at you and following you around the room and WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME, DOLL, WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Suri knows what I’m talkin’ about.  Here she is, flippin’ the bird, telling the dolls and the paparazzi and probably all the rest of us to fuck right off:

Since being dumped by Samantha Ronson two weeks ago, Lindsay Lohan has reverted back to her old pre-rehab self: boozing, clubbing, and all the penis she can swallow — including that of British paparazzo Chris Jepson. According to Page Six

On April 15, Lohan and Jepson were inseparable at a Hollywood Hills house party. They even went into a bathroom together and didn’t come out for quite some time.

Friends fear that Lohan is in a “meltdown” situation and has no career to fall back on.

Since the Ronson split, the former starlet has not only gone back to men — she’s also gone back to partying all night, every night. Last week, she hit six clubs in one evening. Lohan doesn’t have a rep and her former publicist didn’t return calls.

Now, let’s see… floundering career, boning the paparazzi, bulimia, drugs, binge drinking, compulsive spending and a very publicly failed relationship. Now why does this sound so familiar? Just give me a minute and I’m sure it’ll come to me.

The picture of health shopping on Melrose with sister Ali:

Julia Roberts went completely fucking insane on the paparazzi as they followed her and her two children from a burger joint yesterday. There was practically blood pouring from her nostrils and she was almost shaking, she was so pissed. And rightfully so. People do not like it when you hide in bushes to take pictures of their children. Also not popular with the mommy types? Pulling down your pants and asking the kiddies “which one the no-no hole is.”

Privacy-violating pictures of Hazel and Phinnaeus:

Sienna Miller was awarded $27,000 in damages and an apology from Britain’s Daily Star yesterday after the tabloid published photos of her “in distress” while being “harassed by the paparazzi.” Kind of like the pictures you see above. E! Online reports

The photo in question was published Sept. 11. It shows the 26-year-old in the lobby of a Los Angeles building cornered by more than a dozen cameramen while waiting for an elevator. Video footage of the scene showed Miller red-faced and near tears.

In addition to the monetary settlement, the Daily Star issued an apology in today’s newspaper.

“We accept, as we said in the article, that Ms. Miller was extremely harassed and distressed by persistent pursuit and intimidating tactics adopted by numerous paparazzi in seeking to obtain photographs of her, including the very photograph that we published. We apologize to Sienna for publishing this photograph.”

Well, that settles it! You can’t go around making sluts cry and then take their picture. Good to know. I’ll have to make some schedule changes to my afternoon. In any event, Sienna still has a legal bone (ha ha!) to pick with the tabloids.

Miller lodged a separate privacy-violation action against the News of the World and Sun tabloids in July, along with the Big Picture paparazzi agency, seeking in excess of $180,000 for publishing the now-infamous topless photos of her and Getty on their Italian vacation over the summer.

That would be these pictures right here. Yes. Now, I’m not a rocket scientist or anything, but from what I remember in school, if you don’t want your topless picture taken, then DON’T GO OUT IN BROAD DAYLIGHT WITH YOUR TITS FLOPPED OUT YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!!!!! Aaarrrgh! That was a frustrated noise, not a pirate exclamation. Although I do like pirate talk. I figure “filthy bilge rat” and “scurvy slut bag” just about covers it. Now we just have to figure out a way for her to walk the plank without trying to mount it.

Boo fucking hoo:

Lindsay Lohan took a page from Amy Winehouse’s book and punched a photographer in the face Sunday night outside the Bowery Hotel. According to TMZ

Lilo was heading into the hotel in NYC Sunday night when she tripped over a metal barricade that had been set up. Lindsay must have thought one of the paps tripped her because she turned around and punched a photog in the nose!

She was on the phone at the time and, after the punch, told whoever she was talking to, “Oh my God, I just hit a paparazzi.” Cops were called to the scene, but no charges were made.

And that, my friends, is the only way to deftly turn an embarrassing situation into an empowering one. Punch the person closest to you in the face. Dropped your pencil? Aim for the mouth, sister! Spilled your drink on your blouse? Right hook and cross! Shit your pants? Bitch slap the guy on the stool beside you! It’s a can’t-lose. Now, if no one’s within punching range and it’s pretty obvious you tripped yourself, try an anguished “Nazi bastards!” before you sink to your knees and shake your fist at the sky. It works because nobody likes Nazis. Especially ghost Nazis that go around tripping people. They’re second only to Lindsay Lohan in most hated national polls!

Watch the video here.

Britney Spears hasn’t been photographed driving aimlessly between L.A. gas stations in the weeks since dad Jamie took over her estate — instead, she’s cleaned up her act, making regular visits with her sons, showing up for work and wearing underpants again. There are even rumors that she may make a surprise appearance at the Kids’ Choice Awards on Friday. With all this good behavior under her elastic waist band, Daddy has finally eased up a little on his strict no-driving policy and let her back behind the wheel. A source tells OK! Magazine

“Britney is addicted to driving,” an insider tells OK!. “Initially, her father wouldn’t let her drive at all, but he knows how much she loves it and it calms her, so he’s softened the restriction. He now lets her toodle around the block in her gated community.”

When asked for comment, Britney rocked back and forth in her seat and said “I’m an excellent driver. Dad lets me drive slow on the driveway every Saturday. Dad lets me drive slow on the driveway. But not on Monday, definitely not on Monday. Uh oh, fifteen minutes to Judge Wapner.”

Leaving the dentist yesterday:

Sam “Piss on Your Dead Mom” Lutfi and Britney Spears had a huge fight last night outside the gates of her Summit home over her relationship with Final Pixx photographer Adnan Ghalib. The public screaming match ended with her storming out of the car and down Muholland Drive barefoot, clutching her rat of a dog and bawling while she called Adnan to come pick her up. OK! Magazine says

Adnan told the pop star to go home and he’d meet her there. He tried to punch in the security code to the gate [when he arrived], but it didn’t work. He then reportedly called the house but Britney didn’t answer. Now OK! has learned that it was Sam who changed the gate code and disconnected the numbers to Britney’s six cell phones and her house phone. Frustrated, Adnan then asked the security guard let him in, but the guard told him he was under strict instructions from Sam not to let Adnan past the gate.

Adnan later told a paparazzi photographer that Sam was sending him threatening text messages, calling him a “manic trigger” and telling him, “If you continue to have any contact with her, you’ll kill her.” At 9:00 p.m., Britney reportedly jumped in her Mercedes and went speeding down Coldwater Canyon Drive with 15 to 20 paparazzi in tow. She abandoned her car in the San Fernando Valley sometime around 10 p.m. and jumped into Adnan’s car.

With TMZ adding:

The LAPD were called to the scene to contain the paparazzi crush that was trying to shoot the fight.

Curiously, a similar incident went down at Seabreeze Vista trailer park in Inglewood last night around ten-thirty p.m. Elwood “T.J.” Thompson, 19, and brothers J.T. and P.J. Rogers were arrested outside a mobile home belonging to Vicky Jo Tanner and Marlene Mayburs, both exotic dancers at T.J.’s Bare ‘N’ Legal Barbeque Buffet. All charges against Thompson were dropped once it was discovered Tanner set the fire herself and was never in fact pregnant. Mayburs and Rogers were arrested for public intoxication and indecent exposure and possession of a controlled substance without a prescription. I swear, it’s almost like Britney’s looking in a goddamn mirror or something!

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that Britney’s parents and sister all came down to L.A. last night to stage an “intervention” on her behalf. Yep, looks like that went just swimmingly!

Tears of a clown:

Even though Britney Spears routinely says she’s “afraid” of the paparazzi, the truth is that she personally tips them off herself to ensure her every boil-riddled, floppy-nipped move will be captured by their cameras. According to Page Six

Lensman Alison Silva tells celebrity private eye Paul Barresi: “Britney is in on it. [She] calls the paparazzi before she goes out. We know 15 minutes before she leaves the house. It’s all staged.” Silva adds that when four photographers were arrested last week for chasing [Spears], “one of [them who] works for my company told me that Britney sent him a text message and said she was sorry. She tried to talk the cops into not arresting them… It’s part of her life. Britney is in on the sham.”

And to further prove how much she fears them, she spent the last three weeks with Final Pixx photographer Adnan Ghalib and then Sunday night with some dudes from X17. Here she is in her car with Filipe from the Fame agency. She’s either learning to control her fear to prepare for battle with the dark lord of the Sith or else she’s a damn liar. A light saber I see not, hmm! Already know you that which is the answer.

With BFF Filipe the photographer:

Jesus Christ. Not even nine-thirty and there’s already too much Britney shit to fit in one post. Well, I’m doing it in anyway. Just try and stop me! First:

CelebTV has video of Spears — minus pants, of course — and new paparazzi BF Abu Ghraib sharing a lollipop “on the deck of a Southern California bungalow Saturday night,” along with additional video of them slobbering all over each other’s faces like a couple of lovesick teenagers. This is newsworthy because, according to the Daily Mail

Britney Spears’s new paparazzi boyfriend has been touting around intimate pictures taken of them together in recent days with a staggering [$1 million] price tag. It is not known whether Spears is aware that her new companion is trying to turn a profit on their relationship. She may even be in on the deal, in so doing making a profit for herself and also being able to control which pictures of her go out.

So the real question is, who decided Britney didn’t need to wear pants in these pictures? I’ve got my money on Pap Smear there. Word on the street is that he’s a regular smooth talker.

One friend described Adnan as “a typical Asian Brummie” who could “talk the hind legs off a donkey.”

“Hind legs off a donkey,” was it? What about “saddlebags off a breeding sow” or “stink off a retard?” That ought to pretty much cover the many nuances of Britney Spears. But curiously, Papiloma was nowhere to be found when Britney got a flat yesterday in L.A., probably because he was too busy selling those intimate pant-less pictures of her. People magazine says

Driving her white Mercedes and accompanied by her assistant, Spears popped a tire in Brentwood after visiting a drug store. With the paparazzi on her tail, she continued to drive with the flat a few miles down the road without her lights on. Spears was given a ride away from the scene – not by the police, but by photographers who had been trailing her.

Where’s a busted “bridge out” sign and a 90-foot cliff when you really need one? A fiery explosion that culminates with Britney Spears trapped in a German coffin at the bottom of the Pacific is really the only way to end this post properly. Otherwise, it’s all exposition and no resolution. Kinda like watching “Magnolia” without punching yourself in the face at the end.

More of Brit and her “flat tires,” plus some of knocked up sister Jamie cradling a GED course book. Cue the banjo music!