Paris Hilton does her best Tinkerbell impression in the new print ads for her latest fragrance, Fairy Crust Dust. It’s due to hit stores some time next month, so smelling like a cheap whore covered in glitter is only thirty days away! Interesting note about the ad: those little sparkly things floating around her are not actually bits of fairy dust. It’s what happens to crabs that have been exposed to the Paris Hilton’s crotch — they turn phosphorescent and gain the ability aerodynamically generate lift. Kinda like what happened to the Sand Man when he fell into that pit of irradiated sand in Spider-Man, only with way more genital itching.
With Benwah Madden at The Abbey in L.A. on Sunday:
A collage portrait of Paris Hilton made from porn magazines has gone on show at a New York gallery.
British artist Jonathan Yeo is behind the work, which was purchased by Damien Hirst ahead of last night’s opening.
A similar image of President Bush also forms part of the exhibition, reports The Associated Press.
A gallery spokeswoman said the Hilton portrait is titled “Paris, 2008″ and posters of it will be sold for $20 (£10.80) each.
Yeo is offering the star proceeds from the sale of the posters because she never received any money from the notorious 2004 sex video that starred her and then-boyfriend Rick Salomon, the spokeswoman said.
When trying to capture their subject, an artist is faced with the task of trying to find the medium that will best convey the vision the artist is trying to express. Hell, I couldn’t think of a better way to get at the very essence of what Paris is about: sticky pages from porn mags! The only way it could get any better would be to have a frame made out of unused condoms (because you know she doesn’t bother with those) and the packaging from Valtrex. What do you think Yeo used as glue? You decide.
The NY Daily News claims Paris Hilton is “devastated” after losing two of her dogs to a coyote attack Wednesday night, but Page Six has a different version of events:
Paris Hilton has no one to blame but herself. Hilton - a “pet collector” who has more than 10 dogs, a monkey and other mammals in her menagerie - is a well-known nuisance in her Beverly Hills neighborhood, where she often ignores her dogs. Neighbors and paparazzi have found some of her pooches roaming the streets after she carelessly left the doors open and lost track of them. As for the attack, Hilton didn’t even find the dogs’ bodies until the next day - long after they should have been fed and accounted for.
This just goes to show that you really need to be specific when you say your prayers. When I prayed, “Oh, Lord, please find a way to kill those stupid Hilton bitches,” I should have made it clear I was talking about Paris and Nicky. Apparently God is a real stickler when it comes to semantics.
Portraits at Thompson Beverly Hills Hotel the day before the attack:
Auditory diarrhea is not just something you can hear in the bathroom stall of your local Denny’s anymore, it’s something that you can experience in full digital, surround-sound glory! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, you can now experience tympanic esctasy when you listen to Paris Hilton and Benji Madden’s upcoming duet! Not satisfied to just create the colonic blowout that was her first album, Paris Hilton is in plans to enter the studio with main squeeze Benji Madden. The Mirror reports,
The heiress has already been writing about her new album on her official blog, but now she’s confirmed that her other half is to make a cameo on it.
Talking to top Los Angeles-based showbiz website Hollyscoop, Paris said: “Well, actually I have a studio at the house. He [Benji] actually helped me write some of the songs for my new album, and for the BFF show (her new UK reality show for MTV). He’s a really amazing talent, songwriter and singer.”
On asked whether they would duet, Ms Hilton said: “Yes, definitely. When the show comes out.”
One thing is for certain, it’s sure to go down the anals annals of history as one of the best sycopated bowel movement of all time! Can’t you just smell the success?
Worldwide Entertainment Group Inc. has filed a $75,000 lawsuit against Paris Hilton for not fulfilling her promotional obligations for 2004’s flaming turd “National Lampoon’s Pledge This!” According to the Associated Press
Hilton entered into an agreement in 2004 for the production and distribution of the movie, starred in the film and received credit as an executive producer.
The Miami-based [production company] said it paid Hilton and Paris Hilton Entertainment Inc. $1 million for her “acting services” and for “reasonable promotion and publicity” for the movie.
I’m supposing the “reasonable promotion” including stocking bar room crappers with the official movie poster and copies of the unrated DVD. You know, so patrons would have something to steady that wobbly bar stool or wipe their ass with after a case of the beer shits.
Paris at the Playboy Mansion Pajama Party this weekend:
Paris Hilton dropped $7.5 million earlier this year to turn an old building in Vegas into her very own Paris-themed nightclub. The only problem? Coming up with a name that says “Paris” without actually using the word “Paris.” “Twat” and “cooze” don’t count. According to Digital Spy
Hilton had hoped to call the club ‘Paris’, but her plans were thwarted when she discovered that a nearby casino already uses the same name.
An insider [said], “She’s now considering The Paris Hilton Nightclub instead. She has already paid for the lease which didn’t come cheap. The idea is to get the club up and running before the end of the year and to host the wildest New Year’s Eve party ever.”
It shouldn’t be that hard to come up with a club name that screams “Paris Hilton” without saying “Paris Hilton.” Hell, I can think of like ten potential Paris nightclub names right off the top of my head without even trying. Naturally, I made a list for you.
It pains me to say this, but Funny or Die’s Paris Hilton mock campaign ad is really funny. In response to the John McCain ad that used her image as a reference for Barack Obama’s “celebrity” status, several clever writers put together a wittily self-effacing response for Paris to parrot back to the cameras. God knows she could never come up with something that funny herself. Left to her own devices, it’d just be footage of her making “sexy” faces into the camera and blowing air kisses into a three way mirror. I’d rather watch Mario Cantone read the Physician’s Desk Reference aloud in a g-string and ladies’ sunhat.
Paris Hilton and Britney Spears both have blink-and-you’ll-miss-them cameos in a new John McCain ad that calls Barack Obama’s “celebrity” status into question. And how do the starlets feel about being politically aligned without their consent? MSNBC reports
While Hilton is “happy to feel relevant,” Spears is said to be “unfazed” by the inclusion.
“She visits gossip sites on the Internet,” says a source close to Spears. “She’s not exactly glued to campaign news. She’s unfazed by this. If not for Googling her own name she probably wouldn’t have noticed.”
When she finally caught the ad in between episodes of “Access Hollywood” and “Entertainment Tonight,” she reportedly exclaimed, “Hey! There’s that old guy from mah Pepsi commercial! He ain’t dead yet?” Then she went back to stuffing Fritos in her mouth, adding, “Man, fuck Pepsi. They ain’t returned mah phone calls in five years. Huccome that old guy is still gettin’ work? Ah’m sexier than him! It’s Britney, bitch!” before popping off of a couple of violent corn-chip-crumb-launching pelvic thrusts in the face of her terrified three year-old.
Paris at Pure Nightclub in Vegas earlier this week:
Paris Hilton’s sad little tits squirmed their way out of her three-sizes-too-small bikini top this weekend, which I’m only posting because technically, it’s still bottom-boob. Granted, they’re attached to Paris fucking Hilton, which is the equivalent of me handing you a turd wrapped velvet or a syphilitic boil covered in glitter, but you aren’t supposed to look a gift horse in the mouth. I don’t know how you even could, anyway. It’s not like Sarah Jessica Parker is in any of these pictures or anything. Zing!
Paris Hilton was on her way to a photo shoot last weekend when she up and decided she wanted a puppy to “make it look cuter.” However, the Melrose Avenue pet store she solicited had different ideas. According to Page Six
Hilton tried to buy a Yorkie but was rebuffed by an employee. Hilton, who has a menagerie of neglected animals, went “ballistic. She started screaming, ‘I love my puppies! I want my baby!’ ” - but to no avail.
The employ did suggest another way to make the shoot a little cuter. “Maybe if you were trapped inside a flaming car barreling over a cliff full of crocodiles and napalm,” said one. “Oh, and AIDS. Definitely something with AIDS,” added another. “What about face cancer?” Unfortunately, none of those things were available at the puppy store, but everyone there agreed it was a great idea.
Father’s Day at Mr. Chow. That name again is Mr. Chow:
Paris Hilton’s reps are denying the heiress is pregnant after pictures of her with a protruding belly sparked baby rumors yesterday. London’s The Sun says
Many websites claimed Paris is sporting a mini baby bump underneath her floaty green dress. But the party girl’s representatives have been quick to deny she’s pregnant, insisting these claims are “completely false”.
Of course she’s not pregnant. No sperm could survive in that kind of hostile environment more than ten minutes. Fifteen, tops. I’d be willing to bet that if you looked inside her vagina a half hour after intercourse, there’d just be a lot of bubbling and hissing sounds, like you were frying bacon in hydrochloric acid. And you might see occasional shriveled and disfigured spermatozoa emerge from the mist, rattling chains and moaning like some kind of a seminal Jacob Marley on Christmas Eve, and right in front of the cervix would be a hand-lettered sign that read “The End Is Near — John 3:16.” You’d be better off spilling your seed in a ten-gallon drum of radioactive waste than dropping a load in Paris Hilton. At least your baby has a chance of turning out to be a superhero that way.
Anne Hathaway sported an hideous fake orange tan yesterday on the set of her new movie “Bride Wars.” A legal squabble later erupted between the producers of the film and Paris Hilton, who claims exclusive rights to the skin shades Burnt Sienna, Vivid Tangerine, Raw Ochre, and Neon Carrot. Also something called the “Double Bubble Blowjob” and “felching.” Reps for either side were unavailable for comment.
