Cops were called to Paris Hilton’s house late Tuesday night after she got into a drunken shoving match with boyfriend Doug Reinhardt in the middle of her driveway. But of course, Paris is claiming it was all just a misunderstanding on the part of the LAPD. She told TMZ

“Doug and I were in bed, sound asleep, when Doug’s houseguests from hell got into an argument. We had nothing to do with it. Doug told the LAPD that his guests’ fight was over and that we had nothing to do with it.”

Except that’s not how the neighbors remember it, because it’s not what actually happened:

A neighbor [witnessed] Paris in her driveway screaming at Doug and watched as the two engaged in a mutual shoving match. And then there’s the LAPD, who tells us after arriving they actually made Paris get out of bed so they could check for injuries.

Well, she’s clearly lying. Cops don’t usually frisk you for something someone else did. Unless you’re a black man driving an expensive car, in which case it really goes without saying.

Launching her new hair tool “The Celebrity Styler” with sister Nicky:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

If you’re thinking to yourself, “Boy, Paris Hilton never looked so believably feminine,” you should know that the Paris on the left is actually her boyfriend Doug Reinfarthardt dressed as Dorothy from “The Wizard of Oz.” The one on the right is the real Paris. I was stunned, too! The Daily Mail says

What could be more frightening than the thought of Paris Hilton dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz? Easy. Her AND her boyfriend dressing as Dorothy.

The heiress, and her man Doug Reinhardt, both wore blond pigtails, dresses and red high heels for Hilton’s Halloween house party in LA last night.

The best part is, the both share the same shoe size. And bra size. And Zovirax prescription. I bet that made shopping for costumes a breeze!

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online, Bauer-Griffin

More pics of Slutenstein and company after the jump

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A group of spoiled rich teenage girls living in Calabasas were arrested on late last week in connection with the robberies of Lindsay Lohan (here), Paris Hilton (here), Audrina Patridge (here) and Orlando Bloom (here) over the last year. People magazine says

Rachel Lee, 19, Diana Tamayo, 19, Courtney Ames, 18, Alexis Neiers, 18, and Nicholas Prugo, 18, launched into a year-long crime spree in which thousands of dollars of designer clothes, jewelry, bags and other luxury items were taken [from the aforementioned celebrities]. All fingers point to 19-year-old Lee as the alleged ringleader, who had an apparent fascination with Hollywood fashion.

The gang allegedly located the addresses of celebrities using Hollywood star maps and the Internet, and calculated when the stars wouldn’t be home based on their appearance schedules.

Giving the arrests another Hollywood twist, after Neiers posted bail, she was picked up by her sister, Playboy model Tess Taylor, who showed up at the jail early Friday morning with a camera crew in tow. Taylor and Neiers are the subject of a reality show pilot for E!.

My hard-hitting journalistic flair for truth makes it easy to cut through all the “background information” and “facts” in this story and get to what really counts: boobs. Namely, that one chick’s Playboy model sister’s boobs. I can almost smell the Pulitzer from here!

Check out more of Tess naked at Playboy’s Cyber Club (all thumbs NSFW):

If you’ve ever wondered what Paris Hilton’s vagina would look like if it were vacuum-sealed in spandex, here you go. I’m kinda surprised, honestly. I was expecting the faint outline of teeth or tentacles or what could pass for one of the Squidbillies in a leglock, but it just looks like your standard boring vagina. I’d be lying if I said wasn’t a little disappointed.

Being forcibly removed from your home because you’re intent on killing yourself just isn’t the page turner it used to be. Just ask Mischa Barton! According to Page Six

A high-level magazine editor tells us Mischa’s publicist was pushing hard for his recently hospitalized client to land the cover on one of the celebrity weeklies. She didn’t. “As sad as Mischa’s recent problems are, what seems to be upsetting her representatives even more is that no one really cares,” said the editor.

It seems like nobody cares because no one does care. People would rather read about Robert Pattinson’s choice of hemorrhoid ointment than read about Mischa Barton’s goddamn sad feelings. At least Britney Spears had the good sense to shave herself bald and hold a minor hostage when she got dragged off to the looney bin.

Paris Hilton in FHM because even SHE is more interesting that Mischa Barton:

I would call Paris Hilton a lot of things. “Slut Machine”, “STD Distribution Machine”, “Useless Twat Machine” perhaps, but not “Promotion Machine”, which is what her lawyer is calling her. Digital Spy explains,

Paris Hilton’s lawyer has branded her a “promotion machine” following allegations that she failed to publicise her 2006 movie Pledge This!, reports BBC.

The socialite has been sued for $8.3 million by the Worldwide Entertainment Group, which has alleged that she refused to promote the DVD release of the 2006 sorority comedy.

Speaking in a Miami court yesterday, attorney Michael Weinstein said: “[She] was a promotion machine. For two-and-a-half years she relentlessly promoted that movie.”

The WEG has suggested that Hilton’s alleged refusal to promote the project was directly responsible for its failure. She was paid $1 million to star in the picture, but it only grossed around $2.9 million worldwide.

A lawyer for the company said: “At no time would she take ten minutes to do a phone interview… It might have made a difference. It would have done better.”

Weinstein told the court that Hilton had been unhappy with the final edit of the movie but insisted that she had not refused to promote it, although he admitted that her busy schedule meant she could not accomodate all the producers’ requests.

Let’s take a quick vote. Anyone ever heard of this movie? Raise your hands. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Okay, no. I hereby declare the defendant guilty on all charges, and whatever else I feel like bringing against her. She shall immediately be removed and airdropped into Al-Qaeda territory. Case dismissed!

Arriving for day 2 at court

Paris Hilton was just on Letterman last week talking about the blissful happiness of her relationship with Doug Reinhardt (video below), so I’m sure you guys will be shocked — just SHOCKED, I tell you — to hear that the fairy tale has ended.  From Us:

“In response to inquiries on whether Paris Hilton has split with Doug Reinhardt, we can confirm this is true. They are no longer together,” her rep tells Us of the couple, who have been dating since February. “They remain friends and we ask that you please respect their privacy. Paris will not discuss the relationship further.”

As recently as April, Hilton declared that she’d wed Reinhardt.

“He’s going to be my husband,” she told E!. “We’re best friends. It’s not like we just met. We’ve known each other over the past year. I was in a relationship before and we reconnected. I’m really in love and really happy.”

HAHAHAHA!  Ahem… sorry.  In related news, it seems that in the midst of releasing statements to everyone on earth, Paris and/or her rep forgot to inform just one person — and that person was Doug Reinhardt.  From E! Online:

Too bad Doug didn’t get the memo.

After hearing the breakup news from Team Paris, we contacted Doug earlier this afternoon, and he insisted, “No, that’s not true. Everything is OK between us.”

Oops.

Heeeee!  Oh man, Paris Hilton is SUCH an assclown.  You’d think that at some point she’d learn to stop cramming those size 17 feet in her mouth, but she’s just so eternally remedial.  It’s fascinating to me how she can even remember not to walk on all fours or eat her own feces.

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt, just days before their split:

Paris on The Late Show with David Letterman on 5 June 2009 yammering incessantly about her “love” and how perfectly happy they are together:

Here’s Audrina Patridge doing the only thing she knows how to do: strip down, show off her ginormous fake rack, and suck on whatever comes within the general vicinity of her mouth.  In this specific instance, Audrina just so happens to be sucking on the new Six Dollar Teriyaki Burger from Carl’s Jr, which she’s shilling in an ad very similar to the one Paris Hilton did a few years ago.  Of filming the ad, Audrina tells People:

“I had an absolute blast shooting. It was my first experience shooting a spot with food, and when I pulled up, I was literally salivating looking at all the rows and rows of perfect burgers waiting for me!” she recalls of the sandwich, available at Carl’s Jr. on June 24, the same day that the TV spot launches.

“I was cracking up because I would take a bite, and almost immediately a food handler with white gloves would have a brand new burger ready.”

I’ve never eaten at Carl’s Jr. because they don’t exist in the arctic circle, which is where I live, but if there WERE any Carl’s Jr. restaurants up here I can guarantee you this ad would do absolutely nothing to whet my appetite for some gigantic meatpile that costs more than three delicious burritos from the place that doesn’t have a sign because no one who works there speaks English or knows how to write but it doesn’t even matter because their food is so good.  As a matter of fact, probably the only thing this ad could convince me to buy would be sunscreen with SPF 950.

I seriously don’t even know where to start here.  I am not having a good day; I went in to the dentist this morning to get a cracked filling fixed and ended up having to get a root canal.  I’m allergic to morphine so I can’t take Vicodin or anything like that.  I can barely even focus through the pain right now, and here’s Her Herpetic Highness strutting around in… whatever the shit this is.  Paris Hilton is totally trying to kill me.  Through my eyes.

This getup is supposedly for some kind of photoshoot.  I have no idea what for.  I wasn’t paying attention to the photo tags, because I don’t care.  I’m just going to assume that Paris has come back from the future to warn us all about the epidemic plague which she will unleash on the world from the viral hot zone between her legs.

We’re all doomed:

Digital Spy reported this morning that Mickey Rourke inadvertently crashed Paris Hilton’s birthday party at Butter nightclub.

Hilton, who turned 28 on February 16, had hired New York’s Butter nightclub to celebrate her birthday with friends and family.

According to OK!, the Wrestler star arrived at the venue unannounced at around 2am, unaware that he was crashing a private party.

A source revealed that when one guest asked Rourke why he was at Hilton’s party, he replied: “Whose party? I’m not. I don’t know…We’re having our own party!”

The unnamed insider added that Rourke was a big hit with partygoers, who lavished him with attention and well-wishes for Sunday night’s Oscars.

Now, I really don’t know much about Mickey Rourke and I haven’t seen his new movie (watching a movie about wrestling isn’t exactly high on my want-to-see list), but if STDs had a face, don’t you think it would look an awful lot like Mickey? All greasy and sleazy-looking with loud clothes and gold chains and stuff. And Paris, well, she’s like a walking STD herself. So really, it’s like fate brought them together. Combine those two and you’d have the spokesman for Valtrex, like that walking phlegm-wad is for Mucinex. Need further convincing? Well, with the magic of bad photoshop, I’ve done a composite of their faces. I present to you, The New Face of STDs!

The Grammy Awards were last night, and they were a total snoozefest.  Admittedly, I was powerfully hungover all day yesterday, but I watched the Grammys and they were so boring that I swear I fell asleep at least nine times before they finally ended.  Every performance that wasn’t Radiohead sucked, and  nearly everyone looked like ass on fire.  The header pic is Coldplay, who (naturally) showed up looking particularly jackassy.  Nothing awesome happened at all, and if there were any funny acceptance speeches then they were during my bouts of unconsciousness.  Here’s a round-up of the shiny, the slutty, and the strange.

Carrie Underwood looked super boring, but otherwise okay I guess:

Miley Cyrus was dressed like she was attending the funeral of her own dignity:

Taylor Swift was in mourning with Miley, apparently:

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Wait, wait — stop me if you’ve heard this one: Paris Hilton went around town in a see-through dress so you could totally see her tits yesterday, and… oh, who are we kidding? Of course you’ve heard that one. You’ve heard it like 700 times. You could recite it in your fucking sleep at this point. You couldn’t avoid it if you tried. What with the little thing called “the internet” the kids are using these days. Eh, it really wasn’t that interesting anyways.

Yawn: