Anne Hathaway sported an hideous fake orange tan yesterday on the set of her new movie “Bride Wars.” A legal squabble later erupted between the producers of the film and Paris Hilton, who claims exclusive rights to the skin shades Burnt Sienna, Vivid Tangerine, Raw Ochre, and Neon Carrot. Also something called the “Double Bubble Blowjob” and “felching.” Reps for either side were unavailable for comment.

With Kate Hudson on set:

Besides the Oscars, the Vanity Fair party and Alexander McQueen’s flagship store, Paris Hilton has now been banned from a Russian Hyatt hotel. According to The Sun

Paris Hilton was banned from a top hotel after signing her name on the expensive wallpaper. The dippy heiress, 27, scribbled “Paris Moscow 2008” in black marker in the Hyatt’s $16,000-a-night presidential suite for a photoshoot during a stay in the Russian capital.

The Hyatt Hotel fined her $9,000 and said she could never return.A spokesman said: “Miss Hilton ruined the wallpaper in the luxury suite. In such a case the client automatically goes on the black list.”

At least it wasn’t a total loss. The defaced wallpaper still matched the employee bathroom stall’s “For a good time call Paris Hilton ” and “Those who write on bathroom walls, Roll their shit in little balls, And you who read these words of wit, Eat those little balls of shit.” It’s just too bad that there are seven floors in between the employee lounge and the Presidential Suite.

The search for Paris Hilton’s new best friend is proving to be challenging, mostly because your average person would rather be friends with a plate full of anthrax and cholera than befriend Paris Hilton. According to MSNBC

The turnout at the New York City casting call for “hot bitches and fierce guys” turned out a paltry 40 to 50 people.

Hilton reacted… by posting to MySpace for damage control, [claiming] there were “NO open calls for the show” and that “every event is exclusive and hand-picked by invitation only.” [However], casting calls [were in fact] listed on Web sites such as Realitywanted.com.

Additionally, the waiver for the show included the following not made-up question: “If Paris was getting all the spotlight and paparazzi were only taking pics of her and not you, what would you do?” See if you can guess the best possible answer from my list of choices:

A) Start a fire
B) Put Paris in a fire
C) Kick Paris in the puss with a steel-toed boot near a fire
D) All of the above, plus something with grizzly bears and a taser

At Mahiki in Mayfair, where she earned $140,000 for 2 hours of partying:

Not to be outdone by Jessica Simpson in the shitty fake hair department, Paris Hilton has hopped on board the extension express. Nine MSN says

What better person to market a line of tacky hair accessories than extension queen Paris Hilton? The platinum hair-ress has come out with a curious contraption called ‘The Bandit’ - which is essentially a hairband with hair extensions attached to it.

Honest to God, I thought it said “Badger” on the box instead of “Bandit” the first time I saw the picture. But then I realized it was just fake hair inside, and not a Halloween gag silicon replica of Paris Hilton’s vagina like I assumed from the name. Another clue as to the real contents of the box was that the packaging was way too small for a replica of Paris Hilton’s vagina. Something that big and floppy would need to come in an orange crate or maybe a mattress box. See, this is why everyone calls me the “Encyclopedia Brown of the Gossip World.” That and my arch nemesis Bugs Meany and my fair flat rate of 25 cents per day, plus expenses.

Paris Hilton has reportedly been blacklisted again — this time from the grand opening of fashion designer Alexander McQueen’s new store in L.A. According to Female First

British designer Alexander McQueen doesn’t want ‘The Simple Life’ star as a customer when he opens his stylish Los Angeles boutique next month. McQueen [added]: “If she comes past the shop, hopefully she will just keep walking.

For the record, McQueen’s not banning PETA or the Paint Panthers or carpet beetles. Just Paris Hilton. You could show up in blueberry shoes crying red wine tears and moth larvae and you’d still make it inside the shop before she did.

Paris Hilton hawking her new line of clodhoppers in Montreal:

Here’s Paris Hilton attempting sexy poses in a photoshoot for “The Harvard Lampoon’s” April Fool’s Day issue. Ten bucks says she asked why the black guy wasn’t wearing a costume before she stuffed the elephant’s trunk in her cooter and videotaped it.

Australian actress Sophie Monk helped herself to a big ol’ slice of Paris Hilton leftover pie by swapping her ex-boyfriend for Paris’. Sound confusing and riddled with genital blisters? Grab a spoon and dig in! Star Pulse says

[Sophie] split from rocker fiance Benji Madden at the beginning of 2008 and now she has been spotted out and about with his new girlfriend Paris Hilton’s ex, Alex Vaggo. Vaggo, a former pizza delivery boy, dated Hilton last year.

So, in short, each is banging the other’s ex. Marvelous. Well, you can’t undo the skank of Paris Hilton once you’ve been branded with it. Like a Aryan Nation tattoo or the term “registered sex offender,” it will serve to haunt you the rest of your days. Not to mention make volunteering as Den Mother or Black History Ambassador next to impossible.

Sophie necking with Kristin Cavallari outside the gym last week:

Paris on Germany’s small screen gem “Wetten, dass?” this weekend:

Although this may shock and surprise you, it turns out they have television in Turkey! Indoor plumbing and a handle on the bird flu not so much, but television, yes. Here’s the proof: a video of Paris Hilton at at Miss Turkey 2008 contest on channel Kanal 1! Hoş geldiniz! The Daily Mail says

The Simple Life star appeared as a guest on [the televised Miss Turkey 2008] beauty contest while in the capital Istanbul. She performed with belly dancer Asena during the show. She had all eyes on her for the performance and upstaged the real belly dancer with her stunning, leg-baring outfit.

I don’t know what type of Turkish hashish the folks at the Daily Mail were smoking, but Paris didn’t upstage anybody. She was obviously uncomfortable up there without a pole and a bunch of drunk guys waving singles. Good thing she had Le Tigre and Blue Steel to fall back on. Paris Hilton — she’s so hot right now!

Don’t be fooled by these pictures of Paris Hilton smiling concernedly at South African school children. The world’s biggest attention whore isn’t on the Dark Continent as part of a philanthropic mission; she’s there because her douchebag boyfriend’s band is set to perform in Johannesburg over the weekend and the little bastards presented another chance to get her picture taken. The Daily Mail says

The 27-year-old spent part of her time on a trip to South Africa posing with children and signing autographs for young fans at Jakaranda Kinder Huis school in Pretoria. Wearing a demure white outfit, floppy hat and serious expression, Paris appeared to be trying to refashion herself as a jet-setting do-gooder. The Simple Life star was in South Africa to support boyfriend Benji Madden, whose band Good Charlotte are performing at the My Coke Fest over Easter.

Unfortunately, there aren’t any pictures of the throngs of bare-breasted Zulus that immediately swarmed out of the Yellow Fever vaccination tent to snatch up their children and scream “Do you not know where that crotch has been? Even the spirits of our ancestors cannot protect you against such skank! Go, now, and sacrifice a chicken to appease our forefathers!” I guess even a fatal bout of the yellow jack is still better than turning your children over to the Hilton Herp.

The good folks at RADAR online have come across the must-have item for your gossip junkie/pervert loser: celebrity-themed blow up sex dolls! For only $29.95, you, too, can have a go at Dirty Christina, JHo, Crazy Daisy (Jessica Simpson in “Dukes of Hazzard”), Lindsay Fully Loaded, Eva Longwhoria, or the Paris Love Doll. Where do I sign up? Interestingly, the manufacturer was only disappointed with one doll in the collection. He tells RADAR

The one I’m not happy with is Paris, which didn’t come out well.

Probably because it has twice the IQ of the real Paris and is missing the herpes simplex virus. How is a guy supposed to believe he’s porking Paris Hilton if he doesn’t finish with a bout with genital blisters and an overwhelming sense of self-loathing? It’s probably too late to market the sense of shame separately. It’s not like shame’s a big a seller¹ to begin with. Unless you’re the Roman Catholic church, of course, in which case shame funds nearly 80% of your adjusted gross income annually.

¹_{I know my “Pictures of Your Mom Naked” in a Can^TM wasn’t nearly the blockbuster I’d hoped it be.}

LSFW plastic celebrity harem:

There’s a new penis in Paris Hilton’s life, and this one comes attached to her ex-BFF-turned-BFF-again boyfriend’s brother Benji Madden! But how will we know if this love’s for real, you ask? Easy. The ring she’s wearing says it all.

Or maybe it says nothing. Oooh! Page Six says

The celebutante showed up with the new bling for the launch of celebrity stylist Kim Vo’s Salon at The Mirage in Las Vegas. The event’s organizer, Ben Russo… asked the heiress what the BM ring meant, [and] Paris said: “It means what it means.”

Your first instinct is to assume she’s being cryptic about the new penis, but the fact is there’s a whole lot out there that can lay claim to the initials B.M, so I don’t want to go around putting words in the heiress’ mouth. Especially when her mouth is probably already full of wiener to begin with. So I’m just going to make a couple of educated guesses as to the meaning of her mystery ring and let you all decide.

10. Bowel movement. Obviously.

9. Butt munch. Look, I never said this list was sophisticated, asswipe.

8. Boston Massacre. It smells like American Revolution!

7. Ball masticator. Fancy talk for nut-sack gobbler. See #9.

6. Blind Mice, 3. See how they run!

5. Barry Manilow. Because he writes the songs.

4. Branson, Missouri. Come visit the Baldknobber’s Motor Inn!

3. Beaver maggots. We’re talking Paris Hilton here. Self-explanatory.

2. Bacterial Meningitis. Because she’s dirty, and not in a good way.

and the number one thing Paris’ BM ring might possibly stand for:

1. Braying moron. Because she is one.

Perhaps you stumbled across those pictures of Paris Hilton being blessed by a shaman in yesterday’s Quickies and asked yourself, “Um, what the fuck?” Turns out the guy sporting the third-world beard and robes isn’t really a shaman at all, but an out of work character actor. According to TMZ

Her “guru” that supposedly changed her life is actually a Hollywood actor [named] Maxie Santillan. He’s starred in tons of films and TV shows including “My Name is Earl” and “Pirates of the Caribbean.”

If it isn’t covered in flashbulbs or spouting seminal fluid, it’s a safe to assume that Paris did no research whatsoever. Here’s hoping that the holiest thing to come her way is a big fat lightning bolt from the sky.

Flim flam shaman sham: