Paris Hilton plead guilty to misdemeanor drug possession today in order to avoid jail time stemming from her August arrest in Las Vegas. According to TMZ:

In exchange she must pay $2,000 in fines, complete 200 hours of community service and complete an “intensive” substance abuse program. She will also be on probation for one year.

The judge informed Paris that she has been given a one year suspended sentence — which means if she is arrested for anything other than a minor traffic violation, she will spend 1 year behind bars.

I thought Lady Justice was supposed to carry a sword. Apparently if you’re a celebrity, it’s really more of a rubber dildo. And she’s not so much wielding it as she is shoving it in her own ass and crying.

If you’re gonna tell the cops that the purse they found drugs in isn’t yours, you might wanna check and make sure you didn’t take pictures of yourself holding said purse and post them on your Twitter. Case in point: Paris Hilton. People Magazine says:

About a month and a half ago, Paris Hilton couldn’t help but brag about her sparkly new designer handbag.

“Love My New Chanel Purse I got Today. ,” she wrote on her Twitter page under a photo of the purse.

That Tweet may now being coming back to haunt her.

A photo of the heiress during the traffic stop just prior to her arrest last weekend in Las Vegas shows Hilton clutching a black Chanel purse that looks very similar to the one she swooned over on Twitter.

When a small baggie of cocaine allegedly fell out of her purse, she told police that she borrowed it from a friend.

And while we’re at it, if you’re gonna spend an ungodly amount of money on an overpriced designer purse, you might wanna try buying one that doesn’t look like it came out of a display case in the back of a Vietnamese nail spa. I’ve seen more convincing Chanel bags at Freaknik.

Paris Hilton is now staring down the barrel of one to four years in jail for felony possession of a controlled substance after being busted with cocaine last week. The District Attorney made it clear he was not interested in plea bargaining and wasted no time filing a case against her, setting her arraignment for October 27, apparently unfazed by her airtight alibi or her slew of star witnesses. Like Paris’ hair stylist (the gay poor man’s Fabio), who has come forward to testify that she did not “have time” for cocaine. A common lament among would-be drug users. If only there were more hours in the day! Radar Online says:

Paris Hilton’s hair stylist Michael Boychuck [says] that Hilton “wants everyone to know she does not do drugs and does not have time for that.

The cocaine they found did not belong to her. She would never do drugs or anything else for that matter to destroy what she’s worked so hard for.

I’ve known Paris for 18 years and can honestly say I’ve never seen her use drugs,” Boychuck continued.

I don’t think the lispy testimony of a celebrity hair stylist is gonna cut it. This is Vegas, not L.A. They don’t cotton to that “but I’m famous!” shit in Nevada. They might tell you “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” on the commercials, but they neglect to mention that staying might actually be in a 8 x 10 holding cell.

Police arrested Paris Hilton on cocaine possession charges after she and boyfriend Cy Waits were pulled over late night for leaving a Cheech & Chong-style trail of marijuana smoke from their vehicle. Yahoo News says:

The 29-year-old Hilton was in a car driven by a friend when it was stopped about 11:30 p.m. Friday after officers detected what they suspected to be marijuana smoke wafting from it.

During the stop, officers found what appeared to be a drug on Hilton and later tests showed that it was cocaine.

The socialite was booked into the Clark County Detention Center early Saturday [and] released before dawn on her own recognizance.

And her explanation for the night’s events? Airtight, of course! The coke the cops found in her purse was not hers — it was somebody else’s. And possibly a setup. TMZ says:

Hilton now says one of her friends recently borrowed the purse in question and “probably” put cocaine inside. Paris says she got the bag back but never checked the contents.

Paris is telling friends, “I had no idea the cocaine was there. I swear on my life. It could be a setup. Everyone knows how against cocaine I am.”

How come that explanation never works for any of the people I see on COPS? This is the third time she’s used that bullshit excuse (here on July 5th, and again on July 19th) and gotten away with it. The “I’m being framed” bit is a nice touch, though. Lindsay Lohan must have stepped in as acting consigliere.

In L.A. last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

An armed man was arrested early this morning in L.A. after trying to break into Paris Hilton’s home. If only more of us could be as brave as this unsung hero. TMZ says:

Law enforcement confirms that a man in his 40s was arrested at Hilton’s home around 6:30 AM. He was hauled off to a local jail.

Paris told police the man was banging on the windows of the home, but never actually entered the place.

Paris was told the man was considered “armed and dangerous” — and that she was “lucky” the guy didn’t get inside.

Paris didn’t know the man. It’s unclear if the guy targeted her or if it was a random incident.

She later tweeted that the guy was wielding two big knives (or “knifes,” as it were), so that’s probably what went wrong. You’re gonna need a free hand to distract her with a mirror, and then later when you pin her to the ground by her throat. Unless you’re the blue Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or that guy at the bazaar in Raiders of the Lost Ark, two knives is just one knife too many.

Paris Hilton is facing a $35 million dollar lawsuit from a hair extension company that claims she violated her contract by not promoting their product. Note to self: “stank” and “wonk” must be way more marketable than I first thought. TMZ says:

Hilton got just over $3.5 million since agreeing to become the spokesperson for Hairtech International’s Dream Catcher hair extension line in 2007.

But according to the docs, Paris didn’t satisfy her end of the bargain — Hairtech claims she was “seen in magazines and on television not wearing [their] hair extensions and was in fact wearing competitors’ hair extension products.”

Hairtech also claims she screwed them over when she went to jail in June 2007 — because Paris served her time when she was supposed to be at a very important launch party for the hair extensions.

“More than 600 hair extension professionals” were scheduled to attend at the party — but because Paris couldn’t make it, they lost opportunities which should have resulted in $6.6 million in revenue.

Now, Hairtech is accusing Paris of fraud and deceit — and claims they ultimately lost $35 million because of her actions.

Look, I hate Paris Hilton as much as the next guy, but this is the kind of quality product Hairtech International was cranking out the last three years. It’s called “The Bandit,” for chrissakes. The only way that company could have raked in $35 million off their broke-ass weaves is if they also accepted payment in WIC checks and crack cocaine.

I know what you’re thinking, but this isn’t the winner of the Annual Breathless Mahoney Drag Queen Contest at the Howard Johnson’s off Highway 27. It’s actually Paris Hilton “channeling” her idol Marilyn Monroe. There’s one Seven Year Itch that can only be cured with a shot of penicillin! “Some Like it Hot” is must be code for “It Burns When I Pee.”

Hawking her latest fragrance Skeeze Tease is L.A. last night (10 more after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

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Disaster was averted this past Friday by a heroic pair of underpants when Paris Hilton’s Cave of Horrors tried to unleash its curse upon an unsuspecting nightclub crowd in France. No one was hurt, but unfortunately the brave wisp of fabric was badly burned in the fray as it blocked the malodorous, caustic fumes from spreading.

Paris, Nicky Hilton and Doug Reinhard killing the last 3 brain cells they collectively share:

Just look at how happy Paris Hilton is in these pictures. Mouth agape, tits out, surrounded by a crowd of men spraying her with foamy white fluid. I’m just glad nobody ruined it for her by telling her it was champagne and not semen. “Yes, Virginia, There is a Penis Claus.” Ho, ho, ho indeed.

In St. Tropez yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Paris Hilton was busted with pot in South Africa earlier this month, and now she got caught smuggling it into France. Two guesses as to whether she actually suffered any legal consequences for it. Us Magazine says:

Paris Hilton was briefly detained on the French island of Corsica Friday after local authorities found less than a gram of marijuana in her purse.

The Corse-Matin newspaper reports the heiress, 29, was held after arriving at the Figari airport from Paris and released without charge. The paper adds Hilton was traveling with “people close to power in Malaysia” and was en route to Sardinia, Italy.

I couldn’t understand how Paris Hilton could smuggle dope into two different countries and not get her passport yanked, but then I got a hold of the Motion to Dismiss documents her attorney filed and it all made sense. And now, in a Yeeeah! exclusive, I present Paris Hilton’s previously unseen legal defense:

Motion To Dismiss: Paris Hilton Possession of Less Than One Ounce of a Class D Substance

Although the facts of the case are not in dispute, those facts heretofore do not prove a prima facie case of guilt. Therefore the defendant moves the court as follows:

1. To dismiss the action or in lieu thereof to quash the return of service of summons on the grounds (a) that the defendant is a United States citizen and was not and is not subject to service of process of France, and (b) that the defendant has not been properly served with process in this action, all of which more clearly appears in the affidavits hereto annexed as Exhibit A and Exhibit B respectively.

2. Defendant is in possession of a major wonky eye. Seriously, have you seen it? She’s only operating with 25% vision outta that thing, tops. How the hell would she know what’s in her purse when she can’t see out of the whole left side of her face? I really thought she had Bell’s Palsy this whole time. Honestly.

3. Helloooo…. wonky eye? I thought we covered this already. Heretofore pursuant other legal words blah blah blah fuck you, France!

The defense rests, your honor.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Wonk-eyed Big Bird Paris Hilton was hauled out of the Brazil vs Netherlands quarterfinal match and into a South African holding cell on drug charges Friday, but don’t get too excited, because she’s already out. The Daily Mail says

She and friend, former Playboy playmate Jennifer Rovero [seen in the photo above], were arrested when sniffer dogs found marijuana in a designer handbag.

Paris and the blonde ex-model were followed by undercover police after the Brazil v Holland game. Officers boarded their luxury coach and unleashed sniffer dogs, which went straight to them.

They were arrested and fingerprinted at a police station close to the Nelson Mandela Bay stadium after spending four hours locked down until they appeared before a special World Cup court.

However, at the hearing, Paris was told: ‘The charges have been withdrawn by the state. Please step down.’

Ms Rovero [was given] the blame. Rovero admitted possession and was given an £80 fine and a deportation order.

I can’t think of a better place to have Paris Hilton forcibly incarcerated than the Rape Capital of the World. Provided Roseanne Barr’s colon and Hoboken, New Jersey were already at maximum capacity.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame

There’s a joke somewhere in here. Paris Hilton, who’s no stranger to the camel toe, gets to see a real one in person. There’s some sort of weird appropriateness to the whole thing, isn’t there? It’s kind of touching, really.  It’s almost like that children’s book, Are You My Mother?, and Paris’ cameltoe is trying to find its mommy. Only one has a cute baby bird in it, and this one happens to to be an HPV-carrying narcissistic attention whore. It’s like she’s the 8th plague of Egypt.

Striking fear into the hearts of the Egyptians: