Lily Collins attended the premiere of “Mirror, Mirror” in Paris yesterday, which for some reason is called “Snow White” there. Maybe “Mirror, Mirror” doesn’t translate well into French, because French was invented by the French, and we all know how obnoxious the French are and so it makes sense that their language would prohibit a direct translation, because the French are silly surrender monkeys and can’t be trusted to do anything right except suck. The End.

Kanye West scraped under the rim on the bottom of the barrel and managed to dig up Jared Leto, Mary-Kate Olsen, and the incomparable Lindsay Lohan to flank the runway at his first ever fashion show. Yes, Kanye West is designing a women’s wear line. And Mary-Kate is goth Draco Malfoy after a night in an opium den and Jared Leto looks like the lesbian art teacher. It made no sense to me, either. The Daily Mail says:

Lindsay Lohan showed up to support the hip hop star’s fashion show debut with his KW by Kanye West Ready to Wear Spring/Summer 2012 show.

He showed off his new line at the Lycee Henri IV venue, with Lindsay and Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, Ciara and Jared Leto in attendance.

I haven’t found any definitive reviews of his line just yet, but it just so happens an Italian man clawed out his own eyeballs the day after the show debuted in Paris. Coincidence? I don’t know. Geometric prints affect people in so many different ways.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Lindsay Lohan attended photographer Terry Richardson’s party in Paris on Friday, and if you’re wondering if she had her tits out while she was there, well, of course she had her tits out while she was there. It’s Lindsay Lohan. “Tits” is all she’s got left. The rest of her looks like something you’d find hacked into pieces and stuffed in a suitcase outside a truck stop on I-40. As in she looks like the kind of meth whore some truck driver would murder and nobody would notice until the stink finally kicked in. Honestly, do I have to explain everything to you today? Let’s try and stay with the program here.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Following news that she’s taking a break from Brown University to “focus on work”, it was announced that Emma Watson is the new face of Lancome. Says E! Online,

“Thanks to her charm, romanticism and her incredible modernity, Emma Watson has become the icon of her generation. We are delighted by this new collaboration with Emma who brings a fresh spirit to Lancôme,” said company president Youcef Nabi in a statement today.

Who needs boring ol’ book-learnin’ when you can hawk over-priced makeup and get paid big bucks to do it? Nothing says “modernity” than tossing aside education in pursuit of more money than you know what to do with. It’s the new American dream.

Filming a new ad in Paris:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Katy Perry is convinced she is twee and adorable and that everyone loves her as much as she loves herself. I’m just as convinced that she is a talentless, gimmicky hack with about as much depth as a puddle of dog piss. She epitomizes all that’s fucked up with the world of pop these days, which is why I stick to listening to Perry Como and Tibetan chanting. There’s no danger of pink tutus and Auto-Tune there.

“Performing” at Le Zenith in Paris, which should be like, her hometown since it’s full of douches.

Photo source: Fame Pictures

I got over dyeing my hair with Kool-Aid when I was in junior high. Avril Lavigne is oh, 27 years old. She’s still looking like the Lucky Charms leprechaun pissed a rainbow in her hair. I only hope that for the free haircoloring service she let him play with her pot o’ gold.

In Paris, because that’s like, Doucheland:

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Here’s Lady Gaga in Paris on the December 21st, sans pants and shirt. Paris’ temperature on that day was a balmy 39°, so you can see why she wouldn’t need the extravagance of superfluous clothing. I am happy to see though, that she’s well prepared for a flood with those boots, and she’s ready to be walked on a leash if someone mistakes her for a dog. Which, with her face, is not a big stretch.

Fugging up Paris:

Katy Perry was front and center at the Louis Vuitton fashion show in Paris yesterday in this sexy little number. Rowr. Now, don’t speak French, but I think it’s pretty obvious “haute couture” must mean “massive cans.” Everything sounds fancier when you say it in the language of love.

Even though she renounced custody both in court eight years ago and in an interview with News of the World last week, Michael Jackson’s ex-wife Debbie Rowe is now saying she plans to fight for custody of Prince and Paris Jackson. According to Us Weekly

“I want my children,” Rowe said during a 90-minute phone conversation Thursday morning with NBCLA.

Katherine filed a 22-page petition seeking legal guardianship of the children. A guardianship hearing scheduled for Monday has been postponed until July 13 at the request of attorneys for Rowe and Katherine Jackson.

Rowe also said she was willing to submit to any testing, including DNA to prove that she is the children’s true biological mother, [and] would submit to psychological testing.

“I am stepping up,” Rowe said. “I have to.”

Well, of course she has to. The will very clearly states she gets nothing:

“I have intentionally omitted to provide for my former wife, Deborah Jean Rowe Jackson,” the [document] states.

… while the kids will get almost half of his estate. TMZ says

Katherine Jackson will get 40% of the assets. Michael’s 3 kids will get another 40%.
And the remaining 20% goes to several children’s charities.

Sure sounds different from Debbie’s testimony eight years ago, in which she said,

“I had the children for [Michael]. I did it for him to become a father, not for me to become a mother. You earn the title ‘parent.’ I have done absolutely nothing to earn that title.”

Of course, that was before there was a $200 million dollar estate up for grabs. That changes everything. It’s just a matter of time before her eyes turn into bulging dollar signs and her tongue starts lolling out of her mouth any time she gets near a courthouse. Yep, Saturday morning cartoons have taught me practically everything I know about the legal system. That’s why I always dress as a sexy bunny when I have my probation hearings.

Watch video of his final dress rehearsal two nights before his death after the jump

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The Times is reporting that Salma Hayek allegedly married on Saturday in Paris:

Mexican-born actress Salma Hayek has married French businessman Francois-Henri Pinault, reports the online edition of the weekly Le Point reported.

According to the report, the 42-year old Hayek, who is a naturalised US citizen, and Pinault, 46, were married on Valentines Day in the city hall of the Sixth Arrondissement in central Paris.

The news, if confirmed, comes as something of a surprise, because the star of the films Frida and Bandidas and Pinault had announced the end of their engagement in July last year.

On September 21, 2007, while engaged to Pinault, Hayek gave birth to her first child, Valentina Paloma Pinault, in Los Angeles.

Pinault is CEO of the luxury giant PPR and the son of one of France’s richest men, Francois Pinault, whose fortune has been estimated at $16.9 billion by the 2008 Forbes List of Billionaires. He also owns the publication Le Point, which broke the story

I’d love to get video footage of those two fighting. You’d have Salma shrieking away in Spanish, possibly throwing bric-a-brac at Pinault’s follicly-challenged head, and him cursing at her in French, hand on hip and gesticulating into the air with the other hand.
Now, if love can’t conquer all the turmoil their relationship has been through, then there’s two things that has been proven time and time again to do the trick: a fabulous rack and big bucks! Viva la romance!

Looking like a naughty schoolmarm at the ‘One Pack = One Vaccine’ campaign: