It’s no secret that I hate teenagers with a passion usually reserved for ethnic minorities and the New York Yankees. I hate their stupid text speak and their stupid acne-riddled faces. I hate their stupid Twilight franchise. I hate their impenetrable unawareness of what insufferable douchebags they are. So by all accounts, I should hate country singer Taylor Swift… but I don’t. In a world of egotistical oversexed Miley Cyruses and Britney Spearses, she remains humble, self-effacing, down-to-earth, and wholesomely cute. I can’t find anything bad to say about her. Trying to make fun of her is like trying to make fun of a burn victim with Down’s Syndrome. Not to say it can’t be done, but it really doesn’t feel all that great while you’re doing it. Sorta like having sex with an Asian dude.

Taylor as Kate Gosselin:

Lindsay Lohan, in a desperate attempt to convince you she’s not on the brink of suicide and self-destruction, chronicles all the drama of the past few years as selling points in this parody eHarmony profile for Funny or Die. Don’t be mislead by the name, though. It’s not funny, and nobody dies. I watched it twice just to make sure. Not since Ben-Gay and Spanx has a product been more disappointingly misrepresented.

BONUS VIDEO: Some guy passing out live on Fox’s Glen Beck show after the jump

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With all the death and debauchery going on here today, I thought this little clip of Jerry O’Connell mocking Tom Cruise’s infamous Medal of Valor recruitment video was pretty damn funny. The insane laughter, the nonsensical trailings off, the turtleneck — Jerry fucking nails it. Editor’s note: he also nails Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. Jerry O’ Connell, 2; Scientology, 0. Advantage: Jerry.