Lady Gaga had some technical issues while performing the closing song at her show in New Zealand on Saturday, and by “technical issues,” I mean “she appeared to have taken a fistful of ecstasy and PCP before performing.” Things start to go bad around the 0:57 mark, when she stops dancing and singing to sit down on the stage floor and rest for half a minute. Then she gets back up and kinda waves her arms around and blows some kisses but has to sit back down again, only this time she pulls off her ridiculous headpiece (1:37 mark) while she’s at it. Then she does a couple more half-hearted arm flails before almost tipping over (1:56), and at the 2:24 mark she decides, “Okay, I’ll just crawl around on my hands and knees here for a minute,” but realizes that’s too hard once she actually attempts it. Finally, she just gives the fuck up and lays down on the stage and does this kind of half-assed thrashing from her prostrate position on the floor (3:01).

I think it’s pretty obvious what’s going on here. She clearly got her hands on the video from my sister’s wedding and stole all my signature dance moves. WTF?! She was smart enough to leave out the part where I vomit on myself and convulse uncontrollably, so technically I can’t sue her for copyright infringement. Believe me, I already checked.

I guess bean sprouts and 2% body fat don’t cut it when you’re 51 — Madonna collapsed twice onstage during her Sticky & Sweet show in Bulgaria over the weekend. The Sun says

Madge lost consciousness singing Holiday and had to be held up by a dancer. Then, as she left the stage during Spanish Lesson, she passed out and fell over.

A source said: “Madge was really worried backstage. She had to sit down for a longer than usual between songs. She refused to end the show or take a break after the [first] dizzy spell. She’s suffering from exhaustion… she is anaemic.”

Has anyone considered the idea that maybe she just got tired and fell asleep? Old people like taking naps, you know. And Ovaltine and orthopedic shoes, but that’s neither here nor there.

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A “Jodeci (remember 1991?) Reunion Tour” went all kinds of wrong this past Sunday in Sydney, Australia. For starters, Devante didn’t even show, making it more like a “K-ci and JoJo Reunion Show,” and even then it was still more of a “K-ci Solo Performance” because JoJo forgot the words to most of the songs. And it seems all that forgetting made him really tired, because a half an hour into the show, he decided to sit down on the floor for a while. He got back up for a stirring rendition of “All My Life,” but then blacked out mid-song (1:50 mark), spending the next forty seconds face down in the floor.

Now, my question to you is: people are getting paid to do this? Seriously? When you bump into a few candelabras and go down face first during the Ave Maria solo at your sister’s wedding, suddenly you’re the big villain. It’s all “you took down two Peruvian orchid arrangements” this and “caught the flower girl’s dress on fire” that. Well, in some countries, they pay $29.95 for that kind of entertainment! Maybe I should just send my sister a bill.

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