Paula Abdul dressed up as her American Idol replacement Ellen Degeneres on last night’s Vh1 Divas Live, and it’s almost impossible to pinpoint the most shameful part of the performance, because there’s just so fucking many. Right out the door, at the 13 second mark, she emphatically lipsyncs words that aren’t there. Then there’s the 55 second mark, when she totally airballs an audience high-five. Not even close. But the worse part has to be the 1:25 mark, when she wraps up the dancing, plops down in the chair and says, “What are you all looking at? Can’t a girl try out a new job?”… and nobody laughs. Not for like five seconds. Then there’s some confused woo-ing and a smattering of applause, like they’re not sure what to do. Then she wraps that up with the 1:37 air-punch and the “hand telephone.” It’s like the television equivalent of hemorrhoid surgery. It’s that fucking painful to watch.
Bonus: Jennifer Aniston serenading the real Ellen on her show yesterday:
Fox called her bluff: Paula Abdul will not be returning to American Idol. She posted the following on her official Twitter
With sadness in my heart, I’ve decided not to return to IDOL.
I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day 1 become an international phenomenon.
What I want to say most, is how much I appreciate the undying support and enormous love that you have showered upon me
It truly has been breathtaking… I do without any doubt have the BEST fans in the entire world and I love you all!
I guess leaving Idol isn’t all bad for Paula. Now she can really get a good head start on hoarding buttons and playing dress up with her sixteen cats and hiding in the bushes so she can catch the neighborhood kids ringing her doorbell. Or whatever else it is crazy ladies do when they’re not in production on a hit TV show.
Although auditions for the ninth season of American Idol start August 6, long-time judge Paula Abdul doesn’t even have a contract proposal from the show’s production companies yet. Maybe they just didn’t offer it in pill form. According to the LA Times
“Very sadly, it does not appear that she’s going to be back on ‘Idol,’” [said] David Sonenberg, Abdul’s manager.
“I think unnecessarily hurtful,” he said of the contract holdup. “I find it kind of unconscionable and certainly rude and disrespectful that they haven’t stepped up and said what they want to do. I reached out to the head of business affairs at FremantleMedia and 19 Entertainment and told Fox that Paula would love to be on the show, [but] I have not received any proposal whatsoever.”
Representatives for Fremantle, 19 and Fox all separately declined to comment.
“She’s not a happy camper as a result of what’s going on. She’s hurt. She’s angry,” Sonenberg said. “I think at this point we’re going to be considering everything, including some kind of a competition show. She has tremendous ideas for a whole variety of shows.”
Boy, that “American Idol” is gonna rue the day, I tell you. Rue the day. Because where are they gonna find another judge who finds every contestant “stayed true to who they are” and “amazing” and “a breath of fresh air?” American Idol just shot itself in the foot. Well, metaphorically, of course. Not like that time Paula shot herself in the foot because she thought it was a musk rat. That’s just a unfortunate coincidence.
Some Hey Paula highlights plus various interviews where she’s high as a goddamn kite after the jump
Ever wanted to know what Britney Spears would look like if she were a twice-divorced 56-year old brunette with cerebral palsy? Paula Abdul’s “I’m Just Here For The Music” performance on American Idol last night ought to pretty much answer your question.
Eva Mendes channeling Raquel Welch because she’s not a senior citizen in a corset:
Are you sitting down? Because you might want to. This news could literally knock you off your feet. Ready? Okay, here goes: Paula Abdul was addicted to painkillers for the last twelve years. There, I said it. I can give you a moment to collect yourself if you need to. Us Weekly says
In a shocking new interview, Paula Abdul reveals that her reliance on painkillers got so bad she could have died.
Abdul, 46, was diagnosed with “reflex sympathetic dystrophy syndrome” in [2005], a chronic neurological disorder that causes severe pain. Abdul wore a patch that delivered a pain medication about 80 times more potent than morphine and took a nerve medication to relieve her symptoms. Sometimes, she adds, she also took a muscle relaxer.
But the pain got so bad it that it often left her sleepless and caused her to “get weird.” A combination of these factors prompted many fans to believe that the American Idol judge was high on the air.
Determined to overcome her habit, she checked into the La Costa Resort and Spa in Carlsbad, Calif., last Thanksgiving. “I could have killed myself,” Abdul tells the magazine.
In other shocking news, the sun rises in the east and old people smell funny. Further bulletins as events warrant!
High as a fucking kite and dressed like a drag queen at the American Idol Experience party:
The Grammy Awards were last night, and they were a total snoozefest. Admittedly, I was powerfully hungover all day yesterday, but I watched the Grammys and they were so boring that I swear I fell asleep at least nine times before they finally ended. Every performance that wasn’t Radiohead sucked, and nearly everyone looked like ass on fire. The header pic is Coldplay, who (naturally) showed up looking particularly jackassy. Nothing awesome happened at all, and if there were any funny acceptance speeches then they were during my bouts of unconsciousness. Here’s a round-up of the shiny, the slutty, and the strange.
Carrie Underwood looked super boring, but otherwise okay I guess:
Miley Cyrus was dressed like she was attending the funeral of her own dignity:
Taylor Swift was in mourning with Miley, apparently:
Paula Abdul went on Barbara Walters’ Sirius XM radio show “Barbara Live!” Monday night to let the world know that she blames “American Idol” producers for permitting stalker Paula Goodspeed to continue to audition even after they learned of her delusional obsession with Paula. According to the L.A. Times
On the day of Goodspeed’s audition, “Idol” producers told Abdul they had found — and were about to bring in — a fan who was “crazy about” Paula. Abdul objected. “I said, ‘This girl is a stalker of mine. Please do not let her in.’ I was shaking.” The producers ignored her, saying that they wanted the “entertainment value.”
[After following her home after an audition], Goodspeed [began sending] naked pictures of herself to Abdul and threatened her with “bodily harm” in some letters. [Paula said], “She said the only way I will serve her purpose is when I’m up in heaven being her guardian angel.”
So why is Paula still on “American Idol”?
[She said], “Well, I’m under contract.”
You know, there’s biting the hand that feeds you, and there’s shitting in the hand that feeds you and then shoving that hand in its face and rubbing it all around while you fire off a couple of shotgun blasts in your own foot. But no matter! What really concerns me here is that Paula looks like some kind of bizarre amalgamation of Michigan J. Frog and Six from Blossom. “Hello, my baby! Hello, my darlin’! Hello, my ragtime gaaaaal!”
At the opening of Criss Angel’s “Believe” October 31st:
Video of Barbara Walters talking about the interview on “The View” after the jump.
By now you know that the body of former “American Idol” contestant Paula Goodspeed was discovered in a car Tuesday night in front of Paula Abdul’s Los Angeles home. To recap:
The 30-year-old “extreme fan” auditioned for Season 5 of the hit show in 2006.
Godspeed [had a] longtime obsession with Abdul. She is believed to have died from a drug overdose in… an apparent suicide.
Curiously, this wasn’t the first time Paula Godspeed attempted to kill herself in front of Paula Abdul’s home. Practice makes perfect, I guess. TMZ says
Paula Goodspeed overdosed in the exact same area around one year ago. Cops were called to Paula Abdul’s house — either late last year or early this year — and found Goodspeed inside her car, unconscious from a drug overdose.
Sources say Goodspeed suffered from “extreme mental illness” that spun out of control in the last two years.
This must be so bizarre for Paula Abdul. It’d be like looking in a mirror and seeing what you could have become were it not for undeserved fame and fortune — delusional, dressed like a gypsy, the butt of countless jokes. It’s like if Dorian Gray and the Ghost of Christmas Future had a baby, and then beat the baby and gave it to the schizophrenic sewer penguins to raise. Paula Abdul — this could have been your life!
I’m still not entirely convinced that people actually watch “American Idol” anymore, but if you happened to catch it last night, you caught Paula Abdul making a huge gaffe on live TV. Then you probably went back to knitting socks or reading Colossians or updating your FaceBook when you were supposed to be doing your algebra homework. TMZ recaps the evening:
Paula Abdul had a lot to say about the two songs Jason Castro sung on “Idol” Tuesday night — too bad he hadn’t sung them both yet! In rare form, Paula blabbed on about Jason’s two songs, after he had only performed once. Simon, Randy and Ryan all tried to help Paula along … to no avail.
I guess this is why you never see the Battle of the Brains teams pre-gaming it at a pharmacy. Vicodin makes remembering stuff hard. Like why you poured your gimlet into the DVD player and where you left your pants. My parole officer suggests Gingko Biloba and daily crossword puzzles instead.
Looking as good as Paula Abdul doesn’t come easy. In fact, perfecting the Abdullian visage requires nearly a third of your entire day and the steady troweling hand of a brickmason. MSNBC says
One makeup artist who very recently worked with Abdul said that it routinely takes as long as four hours before she’s satisfied with her hair and makeup. “Getting her out of the house is a major effort,” said the source. “It… [gets] in the way of real life.”
And real life is something Paula hasn’t been acquainted with for years now, so of course that’s not a problem. But for the readers at home who want to achieve Paula’s dramatic look and haven’t the four extra hours or a team of professionals to spare, allow me to suggest downing a liter of gin and turning one of those Homer Simpson-style makeup guns on yourself at point-blank range. Add extensions, mist with hairspray, mist with hairspray, mist with hairspray, and voilà! — drag queen glamor is all your own.
American Idol judge Paula Abdul rambled incoherently and swayed in her seat in typical drunk-chick fashion during her interview with David Letterman Monday night (urinetastic highlights above). Showbiz Spy recaps
Letterman got a dirty look and a firm “No” from a finger-wagging Paula when he asked her: “Are you drunk?” Paula was holding hands with an uneasy-looking Letterman when the show returned from a commercial break.
Paula did the right thing in this situation. Believe me, if there’s one thing personal experience has taught me, it’s never answer the question “Are you drunk?” honestly. Same goes for “Are you high?” “Are you naked?” and “Are you afraid of Virginia Woolf?” It’s best to just say “I find most people are afraid of living life without illusion. Pretense is the teat from which the masses suckle!” Then march away indignantly and hope they don’t notice your bare ass or all the vomit. It’s gotten me out of more jams than I can count.
Paula arriving at The Late Show with Monkees-themed mullet:
