Hey ya’ll, it’s totally cool, accused child rapist Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky wasn’t molesting those boys, he was just being a good guy and teaching them basic hygiene skills. Pff. I’d sooner believe that my boyfriend ended up with his dick stuck inside the vacuum nozzle because he was doing a little nude vacuuming than this pervert was doing a good deed. Says NY Daily News,

Karl Rominger, a Carlisle, Pa., lawyer who recently joined the accused child molester’s defense team, says Sandusky may have showered with boys to teach them “basic hygiene skills.”

“Some of these kids don’t have basic hygiene skills,” Rominger told WHTM-TV on Tuesday. “Teaching a person to shower at the age of 12 or 14 sounds strange to some people, but people who work with troubled youth will tell you there are a lot of juvenile delinquents and people who are dependent who have to be taught basic life skills like how to put soap on their body.”

Joe Amendola, Sandusky’s lead attorney, has been criticized by legal experts for allowing his client to speak to the media because his statements could later be used by prosecutors. He fumbled this week after Sandusky waived his right to a preliminary hearing by telling reporters that anybody who believed the grand jury report should dial “1-800-REALITY.” The number, as first reported by Deadspin, is for a gay sex line that boasts it is “the hottest place for triple-X action.”

Rominger said he was OK with Sandusky’s decision to talk to the media, but acknowledged that his client did not come across very well.

“The problem is if you’re an innocent person who’s not articulate, you’re not going to come across well, but you’re still innocent,” Rominger said. “A guilty person who is very articulate might come across innocent. So it’s not a fair fight.”

Need to clean those bothersome, hard-to-reach spots inside the rectum? Call 1-800-BOY-RAPE, and our caring hygiene specialist, Jerry Sandusky, will immediately come over to assist you. Act now and we’ll even throw in a free set of anal fissures, plus a bonus gift of emotional scarring! Hurry and call, and become one of Jerry’s kids!

Ten more victims have come forward since former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was charged with 40 counts of sexually abusing young boys through his Second Mile foundation. I haven’t really wanted to talk about this, because it makes me fucking sick to my stomach, but Sardusky spoke out for the first time via a phone interview with Bob Costas last night, and I thought you’d be interested in what he had to say. Particularly the part about “horsing around” with boys in the shower, which he now admits in retrospect “may have been a mistake.” The NY Times says:

Sandusky said he was innocent of the charges against him and declared that he was not a pedophile. He did acknowledge, “I shouldn’t have showered with those kids.”

“I could say that I have done some of those things,” he said of the accusations against him. “I have horsed around with kids. I have showered after workouts. I have hugged them and I have touched their legs without intent of sexual contact.”

He added: “I enjoy being around children. I enjoy their enthusiasm. I just have a good time with them.”

My only consolation in all this is imagining him being the receiving end of that same kind of “enthusiasm” and “horsing around” in a prison shower. I hope his asshole reaps everything he sowed.

We’re smack dab in the middle of the Christmastime news slowdown, people. No one’s slipping any nipple, no one’s really misbehaving, NOTHING’S FREAKING HAPPENING! So, here’s a really random, really creepy video of some guy made of himself making out with a Hannah Montana towel courtesy of Buzzfeed. In it, the man “undresses” the Hannah Montana towel, feeds her pre-chewed chocolate, makes out with her, and ends by washing her in the sink, all set to the tune of Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares”. It’s almost too gross and creepy to watch, but it was either this or reading about Jon & Kate Gosselin finally getting divorced. After watching this video, you might want that story instead.

Demi Moore has deemed gossip blogger Perez Hilton a “pedophile” after he put up pictures of her 15-year-old daughter Tallulah in a pair of short shorts and a titty-bearing top on his Twitter. Nine MSN says

Demi has labelled Perez a “pedophile” after he pointed out how skanky the clothes made Tallulah look.

“Anyone who advertises follows or supports Perez supports violating child pornography laws!” a furious Demi Tweeted after seeing the links. “Let me ask all of you, what is it called when someone is telling people to look and focus on a child’s ‘boobs & [ass]‘ while providing photos?”

Perez of course responded exactly like you’d expect an overweight insecure homosexual with something to prove to, Tweeting back,

“Expect another letter from my attorney, kitten. Xoxo. P.S. Bring it on, [bitch]! And thanks for drawing MORE attention to your daughter’s behavior and your parenting skills (or lack thereof). U r real smart! … I would not let my 15 year old daughter dress like that under ANY context. You are delusional and slightly senile!”

You know, Demi does raise a valid question — what do you call someone who makes a career out of putting up inappropriate pictures of underage celebrities (see here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here)? I need to know so I can update my business cards. I’m a professional now!

Pedophile pictures in question (courtesy Starz Life):