Trying to pick which Cruz sister is hotter is like trying to decide between having bacon or sausage for breakfast. You know it’s all from the same delicious animal… but still. Any fried meat enthusiast worth his weight in Lipitor would say the only real solution is to wrap the bacon around the sausage and stuff it in with both hands. So bon appétit, perverts!

Monica Cruz in Spanish Elle:

Penelope Cruz in Vanity Fair:

I can’t think of a better way to start a Friday morning than with Penelope Cruz’ crotch. Maybe Penelope Cruz doing calisthenics naked on a trampoline in slow motion, but that’s just being greedy.

One more crotch shot from her upcoming movie “Nine,” and a couple of her latest Mango ads:

The 81st Annual Academy Awards were last night, and as expected, “Slumdog Millionaire” cleaned house. Not literally, of course. It wasn’t a movie about Mexicans. Maybe what I should have said was “cleaned the Slurpee machine.” God knows I don’t want to come off sounding like some kind of racist. People Magazine says

Slumdog Millionaire racked up eight Academy Awards, including those for Best Picture and for its Director, Danny Boyle.

But it was not the underdog, The Wrestler star Mickey Rourke, who was named Best Actor. That Oscar category was won by Sean Penn, for Milk.

Kate Winslet was named Best Actress for her role… in The Reader. She confided to the audience in her acceptance speech that she first pretended to win an Oscar when she was 8 and looking in the bathroom mirror, holding a shampoo bottle. Only, Sunday night on the stage, she was holding a world-famous golden statuette. “Well,” she said, “it’s not a shampoo bottle now.”

The late Heath Ledger was named Best Supporting Actor for what presenter Kevin Kline called his “menacing, mercurial, droll and diabolical” role as the Joker in The Dark Knight. Penélope Cruz took the Best Supporting Actress in Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

[While nominated for 13 awards], The Curious Case of Benjamin Button [only]… ended up with three Oscars, for Art Direction, Makeup and Visual Effects.

I could keep going with this, or I could just read aloud the 1992’s census report while smearing Vick’s Vapo-Rub into your eyes. You’ll get the same feeling either way.

The night’s best-dressed below; for the complete list of winners click here.

Anne Hathaway:

Amy Adams:

Marion Cotillard:

Penelope Cruz:

Natalie Portman:

Brad and Angelina:

Honorable mentions Alicia Keys, Taj Henson, Diane Lane, Marissa Tomei and Robin Wright-Penn (just for the back):

Because those bastard English are never happy unless they’re showing everyone else up, they also had an awards show last night.  It was the BAFTAs, and it was chock full of more interesting people in better clothes than the stupid losers at the Grammys.  Yay for red carpet round-ups (holy shit, I cannot wait for awards season to be over)!

Kate Winslet won yet another award, once again looked hot as hell doing it:

Brad’s still got that dumbass mustache, but Angelina didn’t wear a shapeless sack this time.  Her dress actually fit her and even had a sliver of colour!

Robert Downey, Jr. looked fantastic, and he was being so sweetly adorable with his wife that I think I got Diabetes just from looking at them:

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Meryl Streep and Sean Penn were the big winners at last night’s 15th annual SAG Awards, along with “Slumdog Millionaire” and oh, Jesus Christ, who fucking cares anymore. People Magazine says

The SAG Awards – which are voted on by the union celebrating actors and are broadcast from Los Angeles’s Shrine Auditorium – are considered by many in the industry to anticipate Oscar winners.

The cast of Slumdog Millionaire was named outstanding cast in a motion picture, foreshadowing a probable Best Picture Oscar win.

Kate Winslet was named best female actor in a supporting role for her part in the Holocaust drama The Reader. In the supporting male category, Heath Ledger earned another posthumous trophy for his role as the macabre Joker in The Dark Knight.

But everyone agreed that the biggest surprise of the evening was learning that SAG stood for “Screen Actors Guild,” not “Self-absorbed Ass-kissing Gasbags.” Acronyms can be so misleading sometimes!

Eva Longoria in a shitty orange dress with shitty orange hair:

Lisa Rinna looking like a blow-up doll that was hosed down with turpentine and left in the sun:

Teri Hatcher in a ridiculously fluffy dress and the always impeccable Marcia Cross:

Hell yes Jack Bauer:

Obligatory Brad and Angelina:

Kate Winslet showing off her Golden Globes:

The eh-sultry and eh-spicy Penelope Cruz:

The complete list of winners, along with more pics of Tina Fey, Christina Applegate, Olivia Wilde and additional Brangelina for your viewing pleasure after the jump.

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It’s that magical time of year when the weeks of drinking laxative tea and binge exercising until their little black hearts almost give out pays off in spades for Hollywood actresses. It’s called the Academy Awards, and thanks to the timely end of the Writer’s Strike, it went off without a hitch last night. The big winner of the evening was “No Country for Old Men,” taking home the Oscars for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Adapted Screenplay. There were various other boring awards for movies you’ll never see, but I know you want me to shut the hell up and start talking fashion. This year’s Oscars was all about fabric — the more fabric, the merrier. Plenty of ruching, gathering, organza overlay and fishtails. My favorites of the evening were Penelope Cruz in her custom Chanel gown and Kerri Russell’s vintage floral necklace. But there were plenty of others…

Anne Hathaway’s flowered and draped red Marchesa gown somehow made it despite my first instinct to write it off for excessive use of foliage. I usually detest red lips, too, but she manages to keep hers from looking harsh and Bozo-the-Clownish. Her hair and the rest of her makeup is very simple, which keeps the gratuitous excess of the dress in check. Congratulations, Anne — you defied the odds:

Cameron Diaz wore a pale pink Dior by John Galliano bustier gown. I’m not wild about the dress, but I like the color, and that business at the hips works for her because she’s built like a twelve-year old boy:

Jennifer Garner wore a black silk taffeta Oscar de la Renta fishtail gown. I think Oscar could have eased up on those big fat ruffles at the bottom and Jen’s hair looks like a damn combover, but overall it was a success:

Penelope Cruz had a navy Chanel Haute Couture feathered gown designed specifically for her for the big event. It’s over the top and princessy, I know, but for some reason I love it on her. She kept her jewelery and makeup simple, and like Anne Hathaway, that keeps the dress from looking garish. Kudos:

Nicole Kidman wore classically simple black Balenciaga dress. The main attraction here is obviously the 1,399-carat diamond L’Wren Scott necklace hanging down to her waist. I went back and forth on this one. It kind of looks like she pulled down a chandelier from a late nineteenth century whorehouse and draped it around her neck. But then again, I really like her dress. And diamonds are shiny. You see my dilemna here. I’ll leave it up to you:

Hilary Swank has a knack for red carpet glamor. Her one-shouldered Atelier Versace gown isn’t my favorite of the dresses she’s worn, but it’s not bad either. Makeup, hair and accessories are all simple, which makes the flowers on the bodice not as hideously distracting:

Renee Zellweger gives a whole new meaning to the term “alabaster” in her hand-embroidered Carolina Herrera gown. I have to hand it to her — she looks fantastic. And her face is way less ruddy and scabby than usual. Looks like Chappy really dressed to impress last night!:

Keri Russel’s 46-carat-diamond H. Stern necklace paired perfectly with her strapless Nina Ricci organza bustier dress. I loved her look more than any other of the night. That necklace is fantastic. Not so hot? Standing like you’ve got gout:

Laura Linney wore a black strapless fishtail Michael Kors gown with a diamond and blue topaz pendant. Simple, classic, elegant, blah blah blah:

Kristin Chenoweth worked an hour-glass figure in a sheer black Armani Prive dress. Her hair looks like crap, but I love the diamond cuff and her skin is like buttah. Nice rack, too. Hooray for boobies!: