Sorry for the late start today, guys. I want you to know I was up this morning around six, but the only thing on the newsfeeds at six a.m. was something about Lindsay Lohan on Glee and Maria Menounos being voted off “Dancing with the Stars,” and I know you don’t want to read about that shit any more than I want to write about it. I just figured I’d go back to bed and hope to God that something interesting happened while I slept it off. Unfortunately, that was not the case. As of 1:22 Eastern Standard Time, the hottest thing going round the interwebs is Dr. Oz’s three-quarter chub in this month’s Good Housekeeping. Hey, don’t look at me. I tried. It’s not my fault that today sucks.

9/11 would-be hero Mark Wahlberg had on a pair of shorts on his hotel balcony when he suddenly decided to pull them off and hang out in his underpants instead. You’ll note I did not include any photos of him in his shorts, in that they weren’t really pertinent to the story. Separating the wheat from the chaff is what I do best. Next to working in antiquated Biblical allegories into posts about guys in their underwear, of course!

After seeing these pics of Jennifer Lopez in the April issue of V Magazine, I think we all know exactly why she and Marc Anthony didn’t work out. One too many sets of balls in the equation.

Miley Cyrus celebrated her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth’s 18th birthday last weekend by pretending to lick the balls of the giant cake penis erected in his honor. Let’s all take a moment to process that, shall we? TMZ says:

The massive phallic confection was rolled out Saturday night at Club Icon in Downtown L.A. — and 19-year-old Miley quickly jumped at the photo op … posing alongside the [penis cake].

Some party goers tell us … 19-year-old Miley was drinking alcohol and partying all night.

There are so many questions this photo leaves unanswered — chief among them “Why a penis cake for an 18-year old heterosexual male?” — but that’s not important here. What’s important is that Billy Ray Cyrus’ “Christmas in Canaan” vision of racial equality has been realized through his own daughter. It’s a Hallmark moment in and of itself.

The giant penis mask Jessica Simpson’s wearing is still not the most awful thing about this picture. Check out the boil under her eye. That shit’s Biblical. All I could think about was Job scraping that hideous thing with a piece of broken pottery.

Brett Ratner’s douchebaggery is rivaled only by Michel Bay’s and Olivia Munn barely qualifies as D-list, but none of the other celebrity gossip had shrimp masturbation in them, so we’re going with these two.

For those of you unaware, it seems Olivia Munn wrote in her memoir (Olivia Munn has a memoir?) that she once saw a famous Hollywood director holding his “undersized manhood” while eating shrimp, and Brett Ratner finally confirmed that it was in fact his undersized manhood that she was referencing in the book. Entertainment Weekly says:

While he did admit on G4′s Attack of the Show yesterday that he was the subject of the passage [from Munn's memoir], he’s claiming that none of it’s true.

“I used to date Olivia Munn … when she was Lisa,” said Ratner of Munn, née Lisa Munn. “That was the problem. She wasn’t Asian back then.”

But Ranter didn’t stop there: “I banged her a few times … but I forgot her,” he said. “Because she changed her name … I didn’t know it was the same person. So when she came and auditioned for me for a TV show, I forgot her, she got pissed off and she made up all these stories about me eating shrimp and masturbating in my trailer. And my shortcomings. She talked about my shortcomings. I get it. She’s bitter.”

He doesn’t even bother arguing the tiny dick part — he just wants you to know he doesn’t masturbate with prawns. Tell me, what’s the fucking point of making that distinction? Honestly, anything after a euphemism for your tiny penis might as well have been written in Klingon and Tolkien Elvish.

Olivia in a bikini on the set of “Magic Mike” last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

R.E.M. announced yesterday that they were going their separate ways after over thirty years together. Front man Michael Stipe wrote on their official website:

“A wise man once said ‘the skill in attending a party is knowing when it’s time to leave.’ We built something extraordinary together. We did this thing. And now we’re going to walk away from it.

I hope our fans realize this wasn’t an easy decision; but all things must end, and we wanted to do it right, to do it our way.

We have to thank all the people who helped us be R.E.M. for these 31 years; our deepest gratitude to those who allowed us to do this. It’s been amazing.”

And he shot down any rumors of dissension within the band, adding:

“We have always been a band in the truest sense of the word. Brothers who truly love and respect each other. We feel kind of like pioneers in this — there’s no disharmony here, no falling-outs, no lawyers squaring off. We’ve made this decision together, amicably and with each other’s best interests at heart.”

And to prove there were no hard feelings, Michael Stipe promptly unleashed his (NSFW) wiener and riotous mane of pubic hair on the internet. Makes perfect sense, really. We just broke up, so here’s my dick. You’d be surprised how many of my relationships have ended with that very phrase.

Sorry for the delay in posts yesterday, but there was a website melt-down over those nude Scarlett Johansson pictures (now removed–hey, we prize our kneecaps). Well, if the interwebs are going to go down in a blaze of glory, I say there’s no nobler way to perish. However, the news has also come out that Mila Kunis’ cell phone has also been hacked. The Daily Mail says:

Just hours after nude pictures of Scarlett Johansson swept the internet – making her the victim of an unknown cell phone hacker – it appears that Mila Kunis has become the next target.

Several pictures have been leaked, reportedly taken on the actresses cell phone, showing her Friends With Benefits co-star Justin Timberlake in several compromising situations.

According to U.S website TMZ, the pictures show a shirtless Justin lying on a bed and in one he is wearing a pair of pink knickers on his head.

Another shot shows Mila in the bath, but all that is visible is her head.

The final shot is a highly explicit image of an unconfirmed male.

The hacker also released several text message conversations, claimed to be between Mila and Justin.

The couple, who shot the film over a period of several months at the end of 2010 and beginning of 2011, have long denied the rumours that they became intimate during filming.

Mila was apparently the smarter of the two women, knowing the dangers of keeping nude photos of yourself on your own phone. That’s exactly why I never keep nude self-portraits of myself on my phone. I prefer to send them to everyone else to keep on their phones. That way, a hacker wouldn’t know where to look. Brilliant, isn’t it?

Shots from next month’s FHM South Africa:

Lady Gaga has found a way to wrest the attention away from Beyonce’s scene-stealing fetus and back to her own VMAs performance as Jo Calderone: by telling everyone she used a fake wiener! No, not Beyonce. Lady Gaga. I’m pretty sure Jay-Z’s wiener is real. Us Magazine says:

The pop provocateur didn’t just wear men’s clothing (including Armani men’s underwear) and fake stubble in her “drag king” get-up: Gaga wore a prosthetic penis, an insider confirms.

The “You and I” singer stayed in character throughout the night.

I don’t know why she would use a prosthetic penis when she has a perfectly good penis already. Two penises just seems like overkill if you ask me.

This goes on about 7 minutes too long:

An email in which a 23-year-old University of California Berkeley graduate revealed that Pulp Fiction director Quentin Tarantino liked to tug on his “nub-like” wiener while he sucked on her toes went viral this afternoon, much to the chagrin of mind’s eyes everywhere. Radar Online says:

Beejoli Shah details her bizarre encounter with Tarantino, 48, after meeting him at a party in the Hollywood Hills and later going home with him, where she states: “Quentin Tarantino asks, ‘Can I suck on your toes while I jerk off?’”

Shah accompanies the email with pictures she took with Tarantino in a photo booth at his home the night of June 1, 2011, as proof of her wild night with him.

My favorite part of the email (which you can read in its entirety after the jump) is the part where she describes Quentin’s manhood in less-than-flattering terms. She writes:

QT has the most unattractive penis I have ever seen (short. fat. nub-like. The chode of all chodes. Boys, those junior high pamphlets are lying when they say that all shapes and sizes are normal. Lying.)

So Quentin’s penis looks just like one of those goombas from the old Super Mario Brothers. I bet the urge to stomp on it with both feet while wearing a mustache was simply overwhelming.

Pics of Beejoli here; her email (plus video of her on Wheel of Fortune) after the jump:

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With all the naked “Not Blake Lively” we’ve had here lately, I thought it was time for a little change of pace. Something along the lines of this full-frontal naked photo of MMA fighter Tito Ortiz to cleanse our collective palate, if you will. TMZ says:

The photo surfaced [last night] — when it was uploaded to Tito’s personal photo-sharing website, which is connected through his Twitter page.

The photo appears to be a naked self-portrait shot with a cell phone.

Tito tweeted [shortly thereafter], “Someone hacked my fucking phone.”

Note to guys everywhere: if you’re gonna take a picture of your wiener — impressive though it may be — you don’t want to do it with a huge shit-eating grin on your face. It gives the same aesthetic effect of a retard who pulled down his pants on the bus because somebody told him to, but wasn’t quite in on the joke. You want to think more along with lines of Senior Portrait Pensive, or maybe a nice Blue Steel. Something that says, “I’m serious about my wiener, and you can be, too.”

Wife Jenna Jameson at Scott Disick’s birthday party last week:

While filming his new Roman epic that I’ll never see “The Eagle,” Channing Tatum’s man-bits were accidentally scalded with boiling water. Rest assured, my offer to kiss it and make it better still stands. The Daily Mail says:

Tatum had been scrambling through freezing rivers and lakes for his role as Roman officer Marcus Aquila in the Scottish Highlands.

The only relief against the icy water during filming was a small wetsuit. An assistant would then pour boiling water from a kettle mixed with cold river water down the wetsuit to warm the 29-year-old up.

However on this occasion the assistant forgot to add the river water.

‘I pretty much burnt all the skin off my penis,’ Tatum [said]. ‘The pain… you just can’t understand. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s like suffocating.’

Channing later went on to say, “Funny thing was, when the doctor saw how raw and red and covered with lesions my penis was, he just assumed I’d had sex with Lindsay Lohan and gave me a shot of penicillin in the ass. We all had a good laugh about it later!”