I know that you, like me, have spent many sleepless nights tossing and turning, wondering if you’ll ever get to see Chris Brown’s wiener before you die. Well, the wait is over, my friends: Chris Brown’s wiener in all its pube-shorn NSFW entirety. I don’t like to call myself a hero or anything. I’m more of a modern day Robin Hood, robbing the rich to give to the wiener-less. Why else would I be carrying this 12th century bow and arrow in my laptop case?

NSFW video of the picture after the jump, or click the header for the good stuff.

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Photo courtesy of UnratedPerez.com

Kelly Osbourne recently posted via her Twitter, “Wow!!! Wow is all I can say I’m in shock right now!”. That might have something to do with ex-fiancé  Luke Worrall exposing his penis during a Skype session with a friend, who promptly did a screencap and spread it across the interwebs. There’s not anything much gayer than a dude showing his junk on the web, so good on Kelly for dumping him when she did.

I’m not going to come right out and say that Ke$ha has a penis, but you could totally camp out under that tent she’s pitching there. And it would sure explain what’s wrong with her face. I always thought she was the victim of some evil Hasbro experiment that fused Mr. Potato Head parts on a human, but her being a man makes a lot more sense when you think about it. Besides, if anyone’s gonna do evil experiments on humans with children’s toys, it’s Playskool. Everybody knows that.

Shooting “We R Who We R” in L.A. yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Those rumored Kanye West wiener pics have finally hit the interwebs (click header for NSFW Kanye penis action), and my new best friends at Media Take Out managed to get their hands on them. The bad news is he’s in dire need of some serious manscaping. The good news is if he ever needs a triple bypass, the doctors should have no problem finding a replacement vein. Or seven.

Have you ever said to yourself, “You know, there’s a startling absence of Kanye West dong in my life?” Well, your wait is almost over, dear readers! Radar Online says:

Kanye West has been embarrassingly caught with his pants down in a nude photo scandal.

The self-snapped pictures of the music icon’s private parts were reportedly sent to a number of women, and are now for sale and being shopped to various media outlets.

One image shows a nude Kanye from the chest up, while the second photo shows the singer’s genitals provocatively exposed from his boxer briefs.

I don’t know how one “provocatively” exposes their wiener. What, is it winking coyly at the camera? Giving its best come-hither stare? Wearing a see-through negligee and pouting? I guess if you’re Kanye West, even your genitals have to showboat.

As soon as the wiener pics make their way to the interwebs I’ll post them, but for now, enjoy these staged photos of Kanye conveniently “running into” Kim Kardashian while she films her stupid show in NY:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Resident Jersey Shore douche Mike Sorrentino has a “situation” going on alright, but it’s not his rock-hard abs — it’s his itty-bitty teeny tiny wiener. EDITOR’S NOTE: ha ha ha ha ha! Star Magazine says:

One of his conquests dishes about her not-so-hot night with [the] Jersey Shore star — complete with details about his tiny manbits.

“I wouldn’t even call it a one-night stand, because he only lasted a few minutes,” club promoter Melody Eckerson told Star.

[And as for his penis size?] “Let’s just say, I’m thinking of my pinky.”

This isn’t really news to me, because I already assumed he had a tiny tinkus. Any guy that works out that obsessively is compensating for something, and nine times out of ten it’s the wiener. The other one time is because he’s gay. I’m still on the fence about Pauly D.

Cleveland Indians center fielder Grady Sizemore took a bunch of pictures of himself pawing at his wiener and sent them to ex-girlfriend (and Playboy Playmate) Brittany Binger, only somewhere along the way they went and ended up on the interwebs for the rest of the world to see. Perhaps now Major League Baseball will consider replacing the Golden Glove award with the Golden Sock award. There just aren’t enough accolades for masturbation in most professional sports. Unless you count ESPN constantly jerking off Notre Dame and USC during football season.

Pink showed off a mysterious wienery bulge in her latex pants while performing in Glasgow on her Funhouse tour yesterday. Now, some of you are going are probably going to say that it’s just the lighting and the camera angle and not a penis at all, to which I would respond, “you’re a giant buzzkill and nobody likes you.” Fact.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Jamie Foxx is okay with making sexual jokes about someone else’s daughter, but if he had it his way, pervert Roman Polanski would be a goner. Digital Spy reports,

Jamie Foxx has said that convicted sex offender and film director Roman Polanski would “be missing” if he had touched his daughter.

The Soloist actor verbally attacked Polanski, who is currently facing extradition to the US after he fled the country in 1978 when he was convicted of having sex with a 13-year-old girl.

Foxx told Parade magazine: “If it had been my daughter who was barely a teenager – my daughter is 15 – Roman Polanski would be missing… period. It wouldn’t even get to the court case.”

He continued: “But, that’s me and I wouldn’t want anyone else to follow that because you should let the justice system work it out.”

Foxx added: “On the other hand, I don’t know Roman Polanski, but maybe if I had a relationship with him my answer would be different. I just think this whole issue is bigger than Roman Polanski.”

If he’s wondering how he should do the deed, I’d suggest bludgeoning him with a hammer. The hammer is his penis!

Media TakeOut obtained this photo of what appeared to be Jamie Foxx snapping a pic of himself buck-ass naked in front of a mirror (click here for the NSFW mega-penis action). For those of you keeping count, that makes him, Rihanna, Cassie, Ashley Greene, Vanessa Hudgens all within the last month and a half. Honestly, I don’t know what it is with celebrities and taking nekkid pictures of themselves and “leaking” them online lately. It’s best to leave that business to the pros. And by “pros” I mean “14-year old girls with self-esteem issues and inattentive parents.” Thank God for cell phone cameras and messy divorces!

UPDATE: Foxx is admitting it’s him and claiming it was taken for an upcoming movie role and therefore his property, so image has been removed per threatening lawyer request. Wienerific!

At “The Soloist” premiere with Robert Downey, Jr.:

Rapper Soulja Boy put this picture of himself with a boxer-brief concealed boner (click header image to view) on his Twitter “for the ladies” yesterday (I’m guessing the face he’s making is for the “mens”). Is it just me, or is there something awfully suspect about his unit? For example, why is it bigger at the head than the base? And where are the balls? There should definitely be balls. Look, I’m no wiener expert. I consider myself more of a “wiener habitué-cum-dilettante.” That’s what it says right there on my résumé. How the hell did you think I got this job, anyway? College degrees and talent are for suckers, baby!

Fox has issued an apology after inadvertently televising Vikings tight end Visanthe Shianco naked during a post-game locker room game broadcast. The Sports Examiner says

Owner Zygi Wilfs was presenting the game ball to coach Brad Childress’ 19-year-old son Andrew, who is joining the Marine Corps on Monday. Tight end Visanthe Shiancoe was standing behind and to the side of Wilf with a towel partly covering his body.

But not completely.

Somehow the camera operator or crew didn’t notice until after the shot was shared around the world.

Despite what years of stereotyping and racism might have taught us, no white women were actually harmed during the making of the broadcast. Although several of us would now like to volunteer after seeing the size of his wiener. High five, ladies!