People magazine revealed on the Today Show this morning that Beyonce had been named this year’s “World’s Most Beautiful Woman.” Note they don’t say which world, because it sure as hell isn’t Earth. Neptune, maybe, but not Earth. People Magazine says:
“I feel more beautiful than I’ve ever felt because I’ve given birth,” says PEOPLE’s 2012 World’s Most Beautiful Woman. “I have never felt so connected, never felt like I had such a purpose on this earth.”
Wow, World’s Most Beautiful Woman. That sounds like quite an honor. At least until you realize the competition on the Most Beautiful list included Kathie Lee Gifford and Michelle Obama.
The World’s Most Beautiful Woman on the beach in St. Barth’s:
People Magazine named “Hangover” star Bradley Cooper this year’s Sexiest Man Alive, saying:
There’s more to 2011′s Sexiest Man Alive Bradley Cooper than dazzling baby blues and a killer smile.
This Georgetown grad can whip up dinner, take you for a spin on his motorcycle and whisper sweet nothings in French (he’s fluent!). Just don’t try convincing him what a catch he is.
They don’t mention it anywhere in the article, but I bet he won Most Eligible Beard Magnet, too. That dude couldn’t be more gay if he represented the Lollipop Guild.
I think I’m gonna stab somebody in the face if I hear Kim Kardashian’s stupid wedding referred to as “the American version of the royal wedding” again. The Kardashians AREN’T FUCKING ROYALTY. They’re classes, tasteless, money-hungry whiny-voiced famewhores with no discernible talent whatsoever. I’d sooner bow down to King Vitamin and the King of Cartoons.
I can’t physically bear to post another picture of that twat, so enjoy a little Bar Refaeli in a bikini instead:
Kim Kardashian’s enormous ass is now officially off the market — she got engaged to boyfriend Kris Humphries a week ago today. I’m sure Ryan Seacrest is working out all the details on the spin-off show as we speak. People Magazine says:
On May 18th, her boyfriend of six months, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries, was waiting in her bedroom on bended knee with four words written in red rose petals: “WILL YOU MARRY ME?”
Humphries popped the question with a custom-designed, 20.5-carat Lorraine Schwartz diamond sparkler. “I just knew I wanted it to be big,” says Humphries, 26, who, with the help of Kardashian’s mom Kris Jenner, planned an intimate family celebration later that evening.
“Kris really didn’t want a big celebration, but he had jokingly told my mom he’d be fine if there were mini-horses there,” says Kardashian with a laugh. “Later that night at the party, my mom brought out two mini-horses, covered in glitter, for us! It was hysterical!”
Well, he’s (technically) black, he’s a professional athlete, and he spells his name with a K. Give him a video camera and it’s everything a Kardashian could ever want in a man.
Jessica Simpson waddled her way into People Magazine’s Annual Most Beautiful issue, with a caption above her photo announcing it the “Year of the Bombshell.” I think that’s a typo, though. It’s clear from the picture that they obviously meant to write “Year of the Butter Pecan Ice Cream Cone.”
People magazine’s managing editor Peter Castro went on The Today Show this morning to discuss his five-hour interview with Mel Gibson’s baby mama Oksana Grigorieva. Castro says (via Radar Online):
Grigorieva said that “everything changed” on January 6, 2010, when Gibson flew into a rage, punched her in the mouth, accidentally hit the baby and pulled a gun on her at the couple’s Malibu mansion.
Grigorieva didn’t contact police because she feared humiliating Gibson could provoke him to kill her.
“I thought he would kill me,” the Russian singer said. “[But] I’m not angry at him. For the sake of Lucia, I really want him to be well. He has to have the courage to be responsible for what he’s done.”
She said that Gibson had talked about committing suicide, but seemed restrained because of his religious beliefs and feared going to hell.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the Bible (other than not to make fun of prophets for being bald or mix wool with linen), it’s that suicide is a sure-fire one-way ticket to hell. Punching your mistress while she’s holding your bastard child and waving a gun around is cool and all, but don’t you dare turn it on yourself if you want to enter those pearly gates. That shit just doesn’t fly with the Almighty. Just like queers and foreskins.
Now that her divorce from Tiger Woods is final, Elin Nordegren has broken her nine-month silence in an exclusive 19-hour sit-down with People magazine:
“I’ve been through hell. It’s hard to think you have this life, and then all of a sudden — was it a lie?” says the 30-year-old mother of two. “But I survived. It was hard, but it didn’t kill me. I have been through the stages of disbelief and shock, to anger and ultimately grief over the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children.”
Elin, who is studying towards a college degree in psychology, says [of] her husband’s betrayal: “I felt stupid as more things were revealed. How could I not have known anything? The word ‘betrayal’ isn’t strong enough. I felt embarrassed for having been so deceived. I felt betrayed by many people around me. I never suspected, not a one. When all this was going on, I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school. Initially, I thought we had a chance, and we tried really hard.”
She tells the magazine this was her first – and last – interview, as she intends to remain a private person.
Ultimately, though — even though I’m sure she’s found some satisfaction in her ex’s public derision and the complete dismantling of his once-marketable image (and its subsequent effect on his golf game) — nothing has given her more joy than the watching the Dwarf Elephant-unicorn hybrids frolicking in her diamond gardens from high atop the space station she had constructed out of platinum and lined with Mongolian cashmere and c-notes. “I find natural fibers breathe a bit better,” she’s quoted as saying.
People magazine had a topsecret exclusive celebrity-coming-out-of-the-closet interview set to hit newsstands this week, only TMZ found out who the mystery gay was and effectively pissed all over their parade:
The big “coming out” announcement planned for this week will be … country star Chely Wright.
Wright has a book coming out this week as well — it’s called “Like Me.” And she has a CD coming out too — called “Lifted Off the Ground.”
Wright is the first major country artist ever to come out. It’s unclear how traditionally-conservative country fans will react.
Chely Wright had one song that topped the charts eleven years ago and one ACM award back in 1999, meaning she’s completely obsolete in every sense of the word. But now that’s she’s the “first ever country music singer to come out as a gay,” her CD (which drops tomorrow!) and book (available now!) are suddenly financially viable. Bullshit. This whole thing is one great big marketing maneuver. If her coming out of the closet were any more fucking calculated, you’d need an old-timey adding machine with a lever and one of those green plastic visors.
Now that she’s kicked her whoremongering husband Jesse James to the curb, Sandra Bullock has a new man in her life — his name is Louis, and he’s black, and he hails from Ray Nagin’s magical Chocolate City. People Magazine says
Bullock reveals that she is the proud mother of Louis Bardo Bullock, a 3½-month-old boy born in New Orleans. Bullock, 45, and husband Jesse James, 41, began the adoption process four years ago and brought Louis home in January but decided to keep the news to themselves until after the Oscars. Their close friends and family – including James’s children Sunny, 6, Jesse Jr., 12, and Chandler, 15 – were essential in keeping the adoption a secret.
Then, just 10 days after the March 7 Oscars, Bullock and James separated following reports James had cheated. Bullock says she is now adopting as a single parent.
Wait — I think I already saw this one. She uses her spunky Bible Belt can-do attitude to raise him to be a good Christian pro football player while making some insightful self-discoveries of her own. Running time: 120 minutes. Rated PG-13 for brief violence, drug and sexual references.
UPDATE: Read Jesse James’ official statement about the divorce and adoption after the jump.
Nicole Richie shows off daughter son Sparrow James Midnight Madden for the first time ever in this family portrait for next week’s People magazine. Funny, I don’t remember Rooster from “Annie” having so many faggy tattoos. I guess the handlebar mustache and the testicles were cramping his style all that time.
Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUN! (that’s my trumpet, by the way). I’m SHOCKED to report, shocked I tell you, that Clay Aiken has finally come out of his pink satin-lined closet. He will be on the cover of this week’s People magazine with the headline, “Yes, I’m Gay”. The cover also has the quote, “I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things”. Yawn. Why did they even bother? Everyone and their retarded blind aunt already knew that. They could have at least come up with a more interesting title, one that hasn’t been done before. Here’s a few:
1. The Keebler Elf Really DOES love Fudge!
2. “Measure of a Man”–it’s not the size that matters
People magazine’s $14 million, 19-page spread of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s little messiahs finally hits newsstands today, and as expected with a bargain price like $14 million, there were several stipulations set forth by the Brangelina clan. Namely, no more “Brangelina.” MSNBC says
Reportedly, one condition of the photo deal was that the victorious magazine would have to agree to no longer refer to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as “Brangelina.”
And Brad had a few terms of his own. Like working the following prepared statement into the article: “Brad Pitt is also important, and oh, by the way, he has always loved doing charity work in dangerous third world nations no matter what Jennifer Aniston says because she’s a liar, they just didn’t take pictures of it before, and he is totally independent and not pussy-whipped at all and Angelina does not keep his balls in her purse for munching on when she’s angry. Repeat, Brad still has his balls. And they’re huge. We’re talking grapefruits, people. This is all 100% true. Especially the part about the balls. The End.”
