Nicole Richie shows off daughter son Sparrow James Midnight Madden for the first time ever in this family portrait for next week’s People magazine. Funny, I don’t remember Rooster from “Annie” having so many faggy tattoos. I guess the handlebar mustache and the testicles were cramping his style all that time.

Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUN! (that’s my trumpet, by the way). I’m SHOCKED to report, shocked I tell you, that Clay Aiken has finally come out of his pink satin-lined closet. He will be on the cover of this week’s People magazine with the headline, “Yes, I’m Gay”. The cover also has the quote, “I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things”. Yawn. Why did they even bother? Everyone and their retarded blind aunt already knew that. They could have at least come up with a more interesting title, one that hasn’t been done before. Here’s a few:

1. The Keebler Elf Really DOES love Fudge!

2. “Measure of a Man”–it’s not the size that matters

3. I Love It a “Thousand Different Ways”

4. I’m Here and I’m – Well, You Know!

5. He’s a Hard Act to Swallow

People magazine’s $14 million, 19-page spread of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s little messiahs finally hits newsstands today, and as expected with a bargain price like $14 million, there were several stipulations set forth by the Brangelina clan. Namely, no more “Brangelina.” MSNBC says

Reportedly, one condition of the photo deal was that the victorious magazine would have to agree to no longer refer to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as “Brangelina.”

And Brad had a few terms of his own. Like working the following prepared statement into the article: “Brad Pitt is also important, and oh, by the way, he has always loved doing charity work in dangerous third world nations no matter what Jennifer Aniston says because she’s a liar, they just didn’t take pictures of it before, and he is totally independent and not pussy-whipped at all and Angelina does not keep his balls in her purse for munching on when she’s angry. Repeat, Brad still has his balls. And they’re huge. We’re talking grapefruits, people. This is all 100% true. Especially the part about the balls. The End.”

Denise Richards paid a visit to People Magazine to chide a reporter about her lack of “fact checking” on Sunday’s episode of her new reality show “It’s Complicated.” Denise yells, “Do you really think I want my daughters reading this when they’re older?” and “There are children involved here,” before jabbing her finger in the lady’s face and hissing, “Do your fucking homework, you cunt.” Denise is right, you know. Reading about your mom and dad doing something is WAAAY more humiliating than watching a video of them doing it. Just ask Pamela and Tommy Lee’s kids.

Jennifer Lopez, never one to shy away from outrageous and ridiculous demands (White flowers. White tablecloths. White curtains. White candles. White couches. Coffee to be stirred counter-clockwise!), is taking “diva status” to a whole new level with her upcoming People Magazine baby shoot. According to TMZ

Not only has Jennifer Lopez sold her baby pics to People mag for a cool $6 mil — she got the mag to agree to stop calling her JLo! JLo [also insisted] that her hubby Marc Anthony be the one to shoot the photos.

… Thereby assuring that the undersigned Jennifer Lopez, hereby referred to on this site as “JLo,” “J-Ho” and “J-Blow,” respectively, assumes all responsibility for actual, consequential, incidental, special or exemplary damages resulting from, caused by or associated with such a stupid fucking useless demand in the first place.

People Magazine is rumored to have paid six million dollars for the rights to publish the exclusive first pics of JLo’s twins here in the U.S., but OK! magazine was only interested in securing the international publishing rights for the shots of the babies. Why would a tabloid magazine giant pass on the publishing rights to the largest tabloid market in the world? Well, to be honest, because Jennifer Lopez sucks. MSNBC says

One magazine industry insider said that frankly, Lopez’ appeal in the U.S. isn’t as broad as many people — including Lopez — would like to think. “Look at her track record with her movies, and look at her album sales. The U.S. market hasn’t been fascinated with her in some time. It makes more sense to not spend a fortune on photos that won’t cause a noticeable increase on the newsstand. This just isn’t going to sell like Shiloh (Jolie-Pitt), and $6 million is a lot of money.”

I remember a time when Bennifer was king and Britney Spears wasn’t on the cover of ever tabloid magazine known to man. Jenny From The Block’s manufactured dance tunes played on every pop music radio station and you couldn’t turn around without being slapped in the face with a new JLo fragrance or clothing venture. Like Dickens said, it was the worst of times. That’s why I always refer to 2001 as “The Year of the Devil.” That, and it’s the same year George Bush came into office and they canceled “Cleopatra 2525” and “The Tick.” That’s got the stink of Satan all over it.

Model Ana Beatriz Barros modeling for JLo’s accessory line because JLo is fat and boring:

There is something just wrong about seeing “Drrty” singer Christina Aguilera cuddling an infant. It’s like seeing a snake holding hands with a field mouse or Paris Hilton cradling a Bible. It’s just unnatural. Perverse, even. With the big fake tits and platinum blonde hair, Christina looks like she should be standing in for Stormy Daniels in “Cockamamie 4,” not powdering a newborn baby’s bottom. In fact, the only time a chick that skanky looking should even be uttering the word “baby” is if it’s succeeded by “mmm… give it to me, yeah” right before she takes a big load in the face.