Christina Aguilera and her armpit fat performed on “The Voice” last night in what best I can figure is some sort of industrial-strength polymer girdle and a pair of platform boots that would make Lita Ford weep with delight. She looks like an if-they-mated Brooke Hogan and Snooki with premenstrual bloat.
I was already drunk before Super Bowl XLVI even started, so I don’t remember much about Madonna’s much-ballyhooed half-time show, except that her new song with Nicki Minaj sucked and that she needed help doing cartwheels. Take three hits of acid, put Sally O’Malley in a blond wig with gospel choir and a couple of dudes with afros fighting off gladiators and you’ve pretty much seen the whole thing. Except way better.
Christina Aguilera either started her period halfway through her way through her performance at Etta James’ funeral yesterday, or the combination of the 20 extra pounds and the two-sizes too small suit made her sweat off some of that self-tanner. Either way, it’s still disgusting. And as for her performance, if you ever wondered what it would look like for someone to literally shit a brick, just watch her straining and squatting and grimacing for the next four minutes. You’ll learn more about what it looks like to shit a brick than you ever wanted to know.
“Thirty Rock’s” Tracy Morgan was rushed to a hospital last night after delivering an incoherent acceptance speech and promptly passing out at the Sundance Film Festival. TMZ says:
Tracy was being honored at the Creative Coalition Spotlight Awards in Park City, Utah — and sources [say] he appeared extremely intoxicated during his award acceptance speech.
Tracy was escorted out of the building soon after his speech and fell unconscious outside the building.
But as unlikely as it sounds, it turns out he wasn’t drunk, but suffering from “altitude sickness.” No, seriously. TMZ says:
A spokeswoman for Park City Medical Center [said] no drugs or alcohol were found in Tracy’s system upon medical evaluation.
Morgan’s rep also released a statement saying, “From a combination of exhaustion and altitude, Tracy [sought] medical attention. Any reports of Tracy consuming alcohol are 100% false.”
We don’t know what happened, so I can only speculate, but I have a feeling his black out was triggered by Steven Tyler’s rendition of “The Star-Spangled Banner” at last night’s AFC championship game. The timing just adds up too perfectly for it to have been a coincidence.
Rihanna performed yesterday in Madrid at the Palacio de los Deportes in a plastic jewel-encrusted bikini. I’m not sure who designed it, but it looks like a 65-year old lady’s fantasy. All that’s missing is a embroidered teddy bear in the middle of the top and a kicky straw hat and you’ve have half the population of Miami clapping their hands in delight.
The 2011 American Music Awards were last night, and no, I didn’t watch them, and no, I’m not gonna look up who won what. Nobody cares about the fuckin’ AMA’s. It’s the music industry’s equivalent of the Dundee Awards. What I will talk about is how fat Christina Aguilera looked in that dress (watch the performance after the jump). Oh, honey. The Daily Mail says:
Christina Aguilera’s bandage dress was somewhat challenged as she appeared onstage last night… at the American Music Awards in Los Angeles.
The Voice star bulged out of her bandage-style silver dress while performing the smash hit single Moves Like Jagger with Maroon 5.
As she was raised onto the stage mid-song on a glittery silver podium, Christina looked significantly heavier than the size four she has claimed to be.
I have never before seen a woman who so seamlessly encapsulated both Anna Nicole Smith’s‘s refined sense of style and Tonya Harding’s stately elegance. All this time, science said it couldn’t be done. At least not without six hundred boxes of irradiated powdered donuts and a cattle prod.
More of Fatty Fatty Two-by-Four, plus some of Taylor Swift looking beautiful on the AMAs red carpet:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Britney Spears‘ performing style hasn’t changed much since she first arrived on the music scene, which is unfortunate because instead of looking like a young, sexy siren, she reminds me more of those times when my mom would get drunk and strip down to her underwear and sing karaoke in our living room. Believe me, it made for an awkward situation in front of the TV repair man. This too, makes for an awkward situation. I don’t know if Britney is shimmying around because she’s performing her dance moves, or she’s trying to pass through that load of fish and chips, figs and prunes she ingested backstage. Says the Daily Mail:
According to sources on the tour, Britney asked for portions of fish and chips and 100 figs and prunes.
Insiders have also claimed that the singer requested a photo of Princess Diana backstage at her UK gigs.
‘Britney adores the monarchy, Diana was in many ways her inspiration. Also, she doesn’t count calories when she’s in Britain,’ said the source.
Newsflash! From the looks of things, she doesn’t count calories stateside, either.
Katy Perry burping her crotch next to a plié-ing mime seems like something you’d see in a David Lynch movie. All that’s missing is a creepy little boy on a tricycle and midget speaking backwards in front of a mirror.
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Jennifer Lopez broke down in tears onstage at the Mohegan Sun’s 15th anniversary celebration on Saturday night, but not because her thighs looked enormous in those pants. She cried because it was a song she wrote about her past loves. Did you just throw up a little in your mouth, too? People Magazine says:
“I’m going to sing you the last song I wrote about love,” Lopez, who recently split from husband Marc Anthony, told the audience after singing an acoustic rendition of her hit “If You Had My Love.” “A lot has changed since then.”
Lopez, 42, then launched into “Until It Beats No More” while dancers re-enacted scenes with the singer and some of the men from her past. A Lopez lookalike danced with guys who looked a lot like her exes Diddy, Cris Judd and Ben Affleck.
The final couple to appear in the spotlight danced much like Lopez and her estranged husband during their American Idol performance in May, just weeks before they announced their split.
After she was done, Lopez told the sold-out crowd, “I took a trip down memory lane” – and then started to cry as the crowd applauded.
Let’s just stop right there and revisit that blockquote again. She re-enacted her failed relationships with back-up dancers on a stage. And then she was so moved by her own story that she cried. At least Narcissus had the decency to drown trying to make love to his own reflection.
The faggy kid was the big winner of American Idol’s tenth season, beating out the chubby girl in a star-studded crapfest that I didn’t bother watching last night because I was too busy huffing glue. The Daily Mail says:
With an astonishing 122million votes cast by viewers, there was no doubt that Scotty McCreery was the popular choice, with Lauren Alaina coming in second place.
‘I never in my wildest dreams,’ said an emotional Scotty, whose strikingly deep, old-soul voice defies his youth.
The religious 17-year-old then added: I’ve got to thank the Lord first… he got me here.’
The star-studded show featured performances from Lady Gaga, Bono, The Edge, Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce, Judas Priest, Kirk Franklin, Jack Black, Tony Bennett, Carrie Underwood and Tom Jones.
Bono? Really, Bono was on American Idol promoting some Spiderman shit? And I thought I he couldn’t sink any lower than hawking Louis Vuitton man-purses for Marc Jacobs. That just goes to show you should never bank on artist integrity when there’s a dollar at stake. I think selling out just reached its zenith.
Lady Gaga and Jennifer Lopez performing (video of both, plus Beyonce & the female finalists after the jump):
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
The talk of the evening at last night’s 2011 Billboard Music Awards was supposed to be Britney Spears 2003 VMAS-esque lesbian kiss with Rihanna during their S&M performance. It wasn’t. All anyone can talk about this morning is Beyonce’s spectacular Run the World performance. Honestly, it was so choreographically impressive and well-staged that you almost forget the song sounds like someone stuffing a kazoo in and out of a hippopotamus’ ass while reenacting “Stomp” in wooden clogs.
Beyonce’s Millenium Artist Award tribute + Run the World performance (FF to the 3:07 mark to skip the tribute video):
Chris Brown managed not to punch any women or windows during his performance on last night’s Dancing with the Stars, although I’m sure plenty of people wanted to punch him in his big fat head for wearing that ridiculous suit. The Daily Mail says:
The 21-year-old performed two songs, Yeah 3X and a medley of his 2008 number one hit, Forever — [complete] with flips and somersaults.
While he was forced to lip-sync most of the song, there was no doubt that his dance moves were sublime.
Brown got a standing ovation from not only the audience but the all three judges Len Goodman, Bruno Tolioni and Carrie Ann Inaba.
Wait, I’m sorry — Dancing with the Stars? Are you fucking kidding me with this? You could get the same kind of street cred doing Wheel of Fortune. It just doesn’t get much more gangsta than that.
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