The MTV Video Music Awards were last night and I am contractually obligated to talk about it, so let’s talk about it, shall we? It was alright, I guess, for an award show sponsored by the soul-sucking corporate conglomeration responsible for the talentless and plastic being propped up by the media machines intent on capitalizing on their image. You know, as those things go.
The night kicked off with a hilariously embarrassing pre-taped Lindsay Lohan skit (see above) in which she admonishes host Chelsea Handler about her drinking. Ha ha, get it? Because Lindsay was in jail for drinking! It’s ironic, see? Us Magazine says:
VMAs host Chelsea Handler, wearing a pre-show robe, encounters Lohan backstage.
“Hello, Chelsea,” Lohan says. “Have you been drinking?”
Handler denies it, but Lohan asks: “Then why is your ankle bracelet going off?” pointing a blinking device on Handler’s leg.
The comedienne explains: “That just means my table’s ready at Cheesecake Factory.” Lohan then gets tough, grabbing Handler: “Wake up Handler! Pull it together! You’re late! [for the show]”
“You turned your life around,” Handler surmises. “Maybe I can too.”
Just because you have to piss in a cup twice a week and give it to a probation officer doesn’t mean you’ve embraced sobriety and turned your life around. The skit would have been a lot funnier if she actually had proven she was sober. But I digress. Let’s move on to Taylor Swift, who, incidentally, still hasn’t moved on from Kanye West storming the stage when she accepted her Best Female Video award last year. In fact, she’s here to sing a song about it:
And then Kanye responded to her melodious offer of forgiveness with a toast to the “douchebags, the assholes, the jerkoffs and the scumbags.” Man, this never gets old!
And then Lady Gaga won every meaningless award possible, changed dresses three times, and finally ended up wearing a frock made of (fake) meat that exposed her ass. That’s about all I remember. By that point I was too busy mourning the part of me that died inside after having to watch it. And by “mourning” I mean “drinking.” I find disgust and disillusionment go down a lot easier with a bottle of tequila.
