48-year-old Brad Pitt is the new face of Chanel No 5, which is evidently a big deal because he has a penis, and until now, only female celebrities have hawked the iconic perfume. Most likely because it’s a women’s perfume. All I could think when I read this was that “Merman, Dad. Mer-MAN!” scene in Zoolander. And thinking about that made me think about Ben Stiller, which made me think about that ridiculous mustache he had in “Dodgeball,” which got me to thinking about how weird mustaches are, and then I thought about how weird all facial hair is, really, which made me think how damn near everybody had a mustache or a beard in Civil War times, which led me to conclude that if I ever found a way to travel through time via a rift in the space-time continuum, I would definitely NOT pick the 1800′s as my target destination. This is probably why I should wait to do bong hits till after I’ve posted.
Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty:
Kim Kardashian got flour thrown on her at the launch of her “True Reflection” fragrance. She stepped backstage to clean off and minutes later reappeared de-floured, looking embarrassed and sheepishly grinning. It must have been like déjà vu for her of her first deflowering.
Selena Gomez has gushed like a stupid twat of a schoolgirl how she likes to smell good for “boyfriend” Justin Bieber. God, I hate teenagers. There’s nothing that makes me act like a crotchety old broad than giggly girls. Says Digital Spy,
Selena Gomez has said that smelling good for boyfriend Justin Bieber is important.
The Wizards of Waverly Place actress will debut her new self-titled fragrance in early 2012 and has promised that the scent will truly capture her essence.
“My perfume, right now, I want it to be really romantic. I want it to be sweet and sophisticated,” she revealed to Access Hollywood.
Gomez then revealed that she likes to use a variety of scents to entice boyfriend Bieber.
“To be honest, that’s what every girl thinks – that they want to smell good for the boy they like at school or for a crush,” the young star explained. “That’s what the main thing is.”
Gomez has invited her fans to help select the scents for her new perfume by voting on her website.
It’s amazing the scents they can synthesize these days in a laboratory. I’m sure it was really difficult to develop that perfect scent for Bieber. There’s all sorts of nuances to the smell of the underside of a man’s balls.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels Candice Swanepoel and Erin Heatherton were aptly dressed for the launch of their latest Angel fragrance and the Dream Angels bra at the Victoria’s Secret in SoHo yesterday. All I know is if I’m ever on the operating table and I code, this better damn well be what I see when I go into the light. Anything else will make heaven a giant disappointment.
Jennifer Aniston promoted her new perfume at Sephora in New York City yesterday in a strategically-cut Vivienne Westwood dress that showed off her “peek-a-boo cleavage.” I’ve done the whole peek-a-boo cleavage thing myself, and to be honest, the other ladies I was playing with didn’t seem to be enjoying it all. Patty-cake cleavage was also not a big hit. The arresting officer said it was technically misdemeanor sexual assault. It’s probably best that I saved the itsy-bitsy-spider cleavage for at home in front of the mirror.
Jumping on the celebrity-with-a-perfume bandwagon, Nicki Minaj hopes to have her own fragrance sometime soon. I’ve always wondered what “gussied-up she-male baboon” smells like. Digital Spy reports,
Nicki Minaj has expressed hope that she will be able to launch her first signature fragrance later this year.
Stars including Christina Aguilera and Khloe Kardashian have released their own perfumes in the last few months, and the ‘Moment 4 Life’ singer has now revealed that she plans to join their ranks.
“Hopefully I’ll do one this year,” Minaj told Allure magazine. “I like scents that feel summery, but have a va-va-voom. I want to smell like a sexy and confident woman, not like candy.”
Everyone thinks that smelling “summery” is a good thing. But in her case, I don’t think it would be so much “flowers and ocean breeze” as “the rank smell that emanates from a fat woman’s crack when she bends over in Wal-Mart in July”. Believe me, if she wants her scent to be unforgettable, that’s the way to go.
Being a class act with a dildo onstage (so NSFW) :
I know I don’t look at a picture of Lady Gaga without thinking, “Boy, I wish I could smell like that.” Looks like my dreams are about to come true! Pop Eater says:
According to Fashionista, the shocking superstar is developing her first fragrance, and Mother Monster has reportedly requested that the scent “smell of blood and semen.”
I’ll save you the $59.95 and give you a DIY version: have period sex, but halfway through, stop and put a condom on before you continue. Then when it’s all done, you just dump whatever’s inside the condom into one of those fancy glass atomizers and have at it. Voila! You smell just like Lady Gaga. For free. You’re welcome!
Oh goody! Rihanna’s new perfume has landed the seal of approval by PETA. She should celebrate by eating a burger! Says Digital Spy,
Rihanna’s new fragrance Reb’l Fleur has been approved by animal rights activists at PETA.
The singer, whose scent will be available from January 25 in the US, has been praised for refusing to use a corporation that tests products on animals.
PETA senior vice president Dan Mathews sent the 22-year-old a big bouquet of flowers to thank her for considering animals.
He told WENN: “Rihanna’s decision to team up with Parlux is as kind to animals as her music is to your ears.
“By renouncing animal tests, Parlux is proving that beauty doesn’t have to have an ugly side.”
Yeah yeah, except I’m pretty positive those places that don’t do animal testing are using the knowledge gained by others who have. If they really want to be completely animal-friendly, they shouldn’t stand on the shoulders of others and then turn around and point self-righteous fingers. They should start at the very beginning and use humans like Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and Snooki as their test-subjects. It’s about time they made themselves useful.
Jennifer Aniston’s new fragrance appears to be as captivating as her movie roles, as is evidenced by its stellar sales record. That’s my nice way of saying that it’s totally bombing. Hey, I’m still in the Christmas spirit. Digital Spy says,
Jennifer Aniston’s signature fragrance has reportedly suffered from poor sales since its launch.
Now reports that the actress’s lack of promotional work for The Debut has damaged the product’s chances.
An insider said: “Jen chose her perfume. But other than launching it at Harrods in London, she’s done no promotion.
“No-one knew where to find it and now everyone’s lost interest.”
No comment has been given by the scent’s producers, but the source commented: “They’re bound to be disappointed. They can’t figure out why no-one wants to smell like Jen.
“Marketing shows most people believe Jen smells ‘natural and clean’, which is the opposite of why you’d buy a perfume, so maybe that’s it.”
Or maybe the real reason is no one wants to shell out good money to smell like obsessed, bitter ex-wife. If they did, I’d already be bottling and selling it.
After it received a number of complaints from Anglo-Saxon Protestant types that it was “too sexually provocative to be seen by young children before 7:30 p.m.,” the British Advertising Standards Authority has officialy banned a commercial featuring Beyoncé from daytime television. The freaks must come out at eight o’clock sharp on the other side of the pond. The Daily Mail says:
The ad shows the singer lying naked in the middle of a room.
She is then shown moving her hand down her neck and caressing her breast.
She begins dancing seductively with the camera showing her chest, back and thighs.
The ad closes with Beyoncé walking away from the camera, her footprints melting the floor. She turns and says: ‘Catch the fever.’ A male voiceover then says: ‘Beyoncé Heat. The first fragrance, by Beyoncé.’
Wait — so it’s supposed to be perfume? Well, that’s an unexpected twist! I just assumed it was hot sauce.
Black Eyed Peas singer Fergie is releasing her own signature scent for Avon next month called Outspoken. I personally liked Tinkle, Tinkle, Little Star, but nobody at Avon was down with that. The Daily Mail says:
Avon describe it as ‘a fragrance for a woman with fearless confidence, who is true to herself and her beliefs, who is outspoken, sexy, and unexpected.’
The perfume is said to contain base notes of Ebony and Black leather with frozen blackberry and saffron as top notes making is a very flowery and fruity mix.
To be honest, I thought she’d go for something a lot more paradichlorobenzine and Pinesol-y. Urinal cakes just seemed like her most logical source for inspiration.
I know what you’re thinking, but this isn’t the winner of the Annual Breathless Mahoney Drag Queen Contest at the Howard Johnson’s off Highway 27. It’s actually Paris Hilton “channeling” her idol Marilyn Monroe. There’s one Seven Year Itch that can only be cured with a shot of penicillin! “Some Like it Hot” is must be code for “It Burns When I Pee.”
Hawking her latest fragrance Skeeze Tease is L.A. last night (10 more after the jump):
