Scarlett Johansson’s acting skills rank just between Sofia Coppola in “Godfather III” and a second grade play about the four food groups. Really, she’s terrible. She sucks. I don’t know how in God’s name she’s lasted in Hollywood this long. Well, I take that back — I do know. It’s called “boobs.” But even boobs can’t salvage her craptacular performance in her latest Dolce & Gabbana perfume commercial. Everything about her performance is stilted, affected, and trite. If she were any more wooden, I’d expect them to cut to Geppetto wishing on a star for a real boy.

Here’s a bunch of pictures of Alessandra Ambrosio (not) eating the same piece of cake for the launch of “Velvet-The Fragrance” at Victoria’s Secret in NYC.  After all, you don’t get to be a Victoria’s Secret model by eating, you know! You DO get to be a female sumo wrestler though. Ask me how!

Keira Knightley’s latest ad campaign for Chanel’s Coco Mademoiselle has been unveiled, and the boob they use in the photo (right) does not belong to Keira Knightley (left). I know for a fact that’s not what her tits look like. And not just because I look through her window with a high-powered infrared telescope from a park a mile due south of her flat, either. That’s just a lucky coincidence. Like they say, the proof is in the pudding!*

_{* Which I also know for a fact she doesn’t eat, thanks to my handy telescope.}

Actress Halle Berry has finally broken into the celebrity fragrance market after two years of researching and studying the art of perfumery. According to the Daily Mail

Halle [said, "My new fragrance] is very sensual, very natural, very much reflective of the outdoors. The top notes of the scent are Sicilian bergamot, fig leaves and pear blossom. I added olibanum, which is an African root, which brings spice to the fragrance, and sandalwood, which smooths everything out and makes it yummy.”

I guess she felt she had to include something indicative of her African heritage to make the perfume truly authentic. Good thing she went with a root instead of Congo-Crimean Hemorrhagic Fever or malaria. I don’t know how well they’d translate with such heavy floral base notes.

Looking gorgeous as usual at the Black Women in Hollywood Awards:

Here’s your chance to finally smell like a porn star — adult film veteran Jenna Jameson is launching her own line of perfume. Wait, is latex considered a musky chypre or a woody floral? I guess we’ll have to wait and see. According to Gatecrasher

Porn star Jenna Jameson is cashing in on the celebrity perfume craze with her new fragrance, Heartbreaker. The scent’s name is taken from Jameson’s infamous backside tattoo, and each purchase will include a poster of the adult actress.

Frankly, I don’t know why you’d pay thirty bucks to smell like a porn star when you can totally smell like one for free. All you have to do is let a couple of dudes jizz in your hair and then spend the rest of the evening barfing up Southern Comfort in a Motel 6 bathroom. Or as I like to call it, “Friday night.” Call me, boys!

Super-pregnant at the Mix Martial Arts Affliction’s “Day of Reckoning” event in Anaheim:

Now you, too, can smell like Christina Aguilera, this time without the help of gender-reassignment hormones! The new ad promises:

Christina Aguilera INSPIRE brings a little of her self-assured confidence and sexiness to every woman’s life.  The fragrance will remind you not to drift along with the crowd, but will inspire you to stand up for what you believe in and strive for your dreams.  The fragrance celebrates being a woman, full of feminity and fun.  Be inspired, be sexy and be exactly what you want to be.

Especially if what you want to be is a sluttier transvestite version of Pennywise the Dancing Clown from Stephen King’s “It.” Beep beep, Richie!

“Inspiring” little girls everywhere with a Ellen Von Unwerth shoot July 2005: