Singer Toni Braxton was admitted to St. Rose Dominican Hospital after her show at the Las Vegas Flamingo Hotel and Casino Tuesday night. TMZ reports

A spokesperson for the Flamingo [said] that Toni had been experiencing chest pains and was taken to [the] hospital for tests. She’s since been released. Braxton suffers from pericarditis, an inflammation of the sac surrounding the heart.

I’m pretty sure the term “sac around the heart” is just a nicer way of saying “undescended testicles,” so it’s clearly way more serious than they made it out to be. Not only is Toni now technically a hermaphrodite, she’s a hermaphrodite with a case of internal scrotal swelling. Barring a cold pool or a couple of well-timed swings with a croquet mallet, the scrotum typically maintains a uniform size,¹ so I’m guessing an inflamed prostate could be the culprit. Or according to my medieval barber correspondence course, possibly an imbalance of bodily humors caused by a toad or a small dwarf living in her stomach. Nothing a poultice of powder of staghorn, gum of arabic and sheep’s urine applied on a vernal equinox can’t fix!

¹_{Noted exception: Cisco Adler}