I’m glad PETA has finally seen the light and done something that can actually resonate with the non-psychotic-and-hopelessly-misguided rest of us normal people. We could give a shit about the way the Colonel fries his chicken or how many crepuscular rodents have to die to make one floor-length chinchilla coat, but we really, really care about boobs. In fact, the only thing we seem to care about more than boobs are vaginas. 260 million pages of archived erotic content can’t be wrong!
Some chick you’ve never heard of before from the “Twilight” series got naked for this PETA ad (click header for NSFW version). Try not to wet your pants from excitement. The NY Daily News says
Expressing solidarity with all things cute and cuddly, 19-year-old Christian Serratos appears in the woods of what looks like none other than Forks, Washington. This appearance makes Serratos the youngest person to pose naked in a PETA ad.
So talking about taking pictures of increasingly younger naked teen girls is okay now? That’s good to know. My parole officer is always acting like it’s some kind of social faux pas to bring it up in dinner conversation. Only his words were more like “direct violation of Federal Child Exploitation Laws” and “felony charge and a minimum of five years in jail.” That guy really needs to get with the program.
At the Nylon magazine launch party a few months back:
“Dancing with the Stars” Karina Smirnoff is a five-time U.S. National Dance Champion, World Trophy Champion, and Asian Open Champion, as well as the “first woman to ever make the British Professional Final with three different partners.” Well, I once had sex with three different partners in Great Britain. And they assured me they were professionals. A butcher, a baker, and a candlestick maker, as I recall. PETA tried to act like that didn’t count. Hypocrites!
Showing off her engagement ring (before they called off the wedding earlier this month) in a bikini:
Owain Yeoman? Ever heard of him? I haven’t. He’s on Kitchen Confidential, which I’ve never seen, and on some other show called The Mentalist. Okay, whatever. He’s the latest to jump on the PETA crazytrain. The caption on this photo reads,
The Mentalist star Owain Yeoman strips off to show his abs in the latest ad for PETA, and proudly states: “I am Owain Yeoman, and I am a Vegetarian.” The actor says his wife effectively tricked him into vegetarianism by serving up ‘faux turkey’ but pretending it was the real thing - and he has been a convert ever since. “The fact that the meat on my plate was once a living, breathing creature became something I could no longer ignore or justify as food. As someone who felt they were a confirmed meat-eater, I guess ultimately if I can do it, then anyone can,” says Yeoman. “It’s a really easy choice to make. And it’s a humane choice to make.” The ad is part of PETA’s new series of vegetarian testimonials that star a growing list of celebrities. In a TV ad, Yeoman says: “It doesn’t take a ‘mentalist’ to realize that eating meat just doesn’t make sense anymore.” And in another, he says: “It’s not healthy, it’s devastating to our planet, and it means a cruel, painful death for literally billions of animals every year.”
If he really felt bad about eating animals, you’d think that he’d go whole hog (ha) and hate anything that even resembled animal, whether in look or taste. I mean, if you really think meat is murder, then why would you want to try to make your food kind of taste or mimic its living, breathing counterpart? Come on, you veggies, if you’re going to be a zealot then do it right! Don’t try to disguise your tofu as anything other than what it is–a cold, white, slimy blob. Hey, kind of sounds like my ex.
PETA advocate Pamela Anderson was on hand at the grand opening of the Sapphire’s new strip club/steakhouse in New York yesterday, but not on behalf of the innocent cows who had to die for you to get that boner/beef steak combo — she was just there collecting a paycheck. Is that Colonel Sanders I hear laughing in the background? She might rather go naked than wear fur, but I guess she’d also rather cash in on cow murder than be poor. I’d like to see PETA put that one on a poster. Never have the words “strip steak” and “tenderloin tips” been so fraught with sexual innuendo and personal compromise!
I don’t know who that’s supposed to be in the PETA’s latest ad, but I can tell you one thing — it’s sure as hell not Audrina Partridge. That chick’s eyes aren’t even pointed the right direction. Everyone knows they’re supposed to look like she’s permanently staring at the sky. Not even close, asswipes!
If you doubted for a second that the folks at PETA were absolutely batshit insane, here’s one for you: CloFu! NY Daily News breaks down the insanity:
Someone sent PETA a towel soaked in the actor’s perspiration – apparently picked up at a Washington D.C. gym – and now the organization has proposed using some sort of new-fangled gastronomic technology to convert the scent into a flavor.
PETA’s president sent Clooney a letter seeing if he’d support the idea, to which the actor replied, “As a mammal, I’m offended,” in an interview with the Washington Post.
The animal rights group’s president believes the allure of the hunky actor’s aroma might draw new fans for tofu – which PETA says is often falsely accused of being bland.
“We believe CloFu would be delicious served by itself or over rice with a light soy sauce and sautéed collards, in a casserole with melted vegan cheese and olives,” said PETA head Ingrid Newkirk.
PETA also believes that it’s better for people to die from AIDS and other deadly illnesses than to use effing rats to test pharmaceuticals, so I’d take any culinary suggestions from them with a 2-ton block of salt. Futards.
You know PETA? Those zealots with more money than sense who are always running around tossing cash at random celebrities if they’ll swan about naked and pretend that fur enrages them? Well, apparently PETA was not fully convinced that the world at large thought them enough of a laughingstock, and thus produced the following ad, which they planned to spend millions of dollars to run during the Super Bowl. Until those meanie-pants fascists at big, bad NBC banned it for being “obscene” (and also effing retarded):
See, this is why people think PETA is dumb as hell. It’s not that nobody cares about animal welfare, it’s that they’re tired of being shrieked at by deluded “crusaders” who are so lost in hysterics that they can’t wrap their heads around the concept that animals might be better served by spending millions on the actual animals, instead of an ad about zucchini fetish porn that was supposed to air during a testosterone-soaked ritual involving spandex-clad men grappling with each other over a ball. Made ofLEATHER. I mean, seriously, PETA. No one who watches the Super Bowl gives a shit about vegetarianism. Go away and shut the hell up. I got this here bigass steak to eat and you’re ruining my appetite, bitches.
If you didn’t hate PETA before, get ready to hate them now. The anti-fur website Fur is Dead says
Khloe and her family have taken not only Hollywood but the entire country by storm. Everyone wants to know what she and her famous siblings are up to, who their dates are, and what they are wearing. In Khloe’s case, rest assured that it won’t be fur — PETA’s gorgeous new “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” ad [stars] none other than Khloe herself.
“Taken the country by storm,” was it? Funny, that’s not the way I remember it. I’d say it’s more like “plagued the country like a case of genital warts that refuses to go away no matter how many times you burn them with a lighter or pour pesticides on your crotch.” I guess it’s just a matter of perspective.
Lindsay Lohan was pelted with flour bombs by anti-fur demonstrators in Paris this weekend after arriving at girlfriend Samantha Ronson’s DJ gig wearing a fur wrap. Interestingly, this marks the first time that the expression “Lindsay Lohan bombed” did not involve a bottle of Absolut or a remake about an anthropomorphic Volkswagen Beetle. It’s also the first time “Lindsay Lohan covered in white stuff” had nothing to do with an eightball or the stuff that comes out of penises. This has gotta be one for the books, people!
Pam Anderson, fresh off of calling Jessica Simpson a “bitch and a whore” for wearing a “Real Girls Eat Meat” t-shirt, just took a handsome paycheck for appearing on an episode of Big Brother Australia. But guess who happens to be Big Brother Australia’s biggest sponsor? According to TMZ
“Big Brother Australia’s” biggest sponsor is her #1 public enemy — KFC!
Last time I checked, being defined as a whore required the acceptance of some kind of payment for services performed. No one paid Jessica Simpson to wear that shirt. In fact, the only person I see wallowing in blood money is Pamela D. Anderson. It’s like that old adage goes — “If you point your finger at someone, remember there are 3 more pointing at you!” Unless you’re one of those freaks with flippers and webbed toes you see at the circus, in which case you can lambaste just about anybody you want. I’d probably start with Pamela Anderson.
At a press conference before her Big Brother debut:
PETA has devoted an entire website to bashing the Olsen twins — cleverly deemed “Hairy-Kate” and “Trashley” Trollsen — for wearing fur. And because a whole website wasn’t enough, their “Trollsen” MySpace begins
Hi, we’re Hairy Kate and Trashley Trollsen, and like most trolls, we live under a bridge and wait for furry animals to walk by so we can skin them and wear them as hats. Because we’re celebrities, we don’t have to live by the same rules that ugly people like you do, and if we want to wrap ourselves up in someone else’s skin, or drape our bodies in the rotting remains of someone’s family, we totally can! And boy, do we ever.”
PETA’s other ideas included writing rhyming insults on Mary-Kate’s locker and tripping Ashley in the cafeteria after study hall. But Plan B was still pretty good, too!
Mary-Kate and Ashley’s Renaud Corlouer photoshoot:
