Ashlee Simpson is probably saving a fortune by sharing husband Pete Wentz’ hair dye. Not to mention what they save sharing makeup and styling tools and feminine hygiene products! Playtex: because we’re not you’re husband’s tampon.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Remember when Ashlee Simpson got pregnant and tried to tell us it was because Pete Wentz inserted his Tab A into her Slot B?  Well, listen, I don’t want to shake the foundations of anyone’s reality or anything, but Pete Wentz wears more eyeliner than I do, minces around in ladies’ jeans, has a pixie haircut, and pitches a baseball like he’s flinging rose petals at a Miss America coronation.  I think Ashlee Simpson has some explaining to do, because you’d have an easier time getting viable sperm out of a Bratz doll than from Pete Wentz.

Sporty Spice throwing the first pitch at the Dodgers game:

On Tuesday, while Ashlee Simpson posted a photo of four-month-old Bronx Mowgli on Twitter, husband Pete Wentz was in Vegas getting drunk with a bunch of strippers. According to Star Magazine

The Fall Out Boy bassist — who was without his wife of nearly one year — partied hard with about 50 band members, dancers and pals (including Girls Next Door star Holly Madison) following a sold-out show at the Palms Casino Resort on April 5.

“Everybody was going absolutely crazy,” an eyewitness tells Star. “People were even drunkenly playing makeshift Slip ‘n’ Slide with a mat and lubricant. And Pete was in great spirits. He was dancing and… grinding up against the dancers.”

At one point he was “dancing on a pool table with the girls,” the partygoer adds.

There has to be some mistake here. Pete’s just one of the girls. And we all know how girls are when they hang out together — waylayed by their desires and bi-curious impulses and forced to surrender themselves to naked-pillow-fights-turned-daisy-chains. If it wasn’t true, they wouldn’t have put it on the internet.

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson posted the supposed “first official picture” of new baby Bronx Mowgli on Pete’s Friends of Enemies website, along with a plea for you to donate money to several different charities… none of which are Suicide Prevention or Support for Proposition 8. Ding ding ding ding ding! That should have thrown up the first red flag for you right there. Then there isn’t even eyeliner or an ill-fitting anime t-shirt anywhere on the baby. Second flag. Yep, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me. I’m like Nancy Drew of the gossip world, if Nancy Drew had early stage liver disease and a socially crippling fear of robot overlords. And I know a fake when I see one!

Pete Wentz went into serious detail about his “amazing sex life” with wife Ashlee Simpson during an interview on the Howard Stern Show yesterday. This is usually the part where you hold my hair back while I kneel in front of the toilet. According to E! Online

He spares no detail about the first time they had sex—including the place, the mirrors and what he was thinking: “Oh, my God, you are banging the girl of your dreams. We have such a sexual chemistry,” Pete continues.

However, now that they have a 2-week-old baby, not so much. Instead, “We do other fun stuff. She’s not ready down there.” Yes, he really said “down there.”

Other fun facts about their sex life that we probably shouldn’t know—but do now—include the specifics of Ashlee’s boobs: “She’s a C, but I think with the breast milk it’s a D.” And that she’s up for anything (really, anything): “Let’s just say my wife likes me to have a good time.”

Last time I checked, “good time” didn’t mean “two hours of crying and passive anal sex with a dildo.” The correct term for that is actually “Cub Scout Camp Out.” Get it right, dummy.

Promoting Fall Out Boy’s new album ‘Folie à Deux’ and nose hair in Times Square yesterday:

Photo source: SPLASH NEWS

Hello fellow snarky posters, it’s Sonya and I’ll be your guide into the magical land of useless celebrity news today. Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz is all about keepin’ it real, yo. In his blog A Homeboy’s Life, Pete warns would-be Wentzites that “fake clan hoodies are being sold in kmart australia. the wordsearch hoody and the animal cracker one in the picture made by the company girl express are both fakes…” NineMSN elaborates,

The hoodies on sale in store bear a striking resemblance to designs from Pete’s Clandestine Industries range, which retail online for around $88, while those on sale in Kmart are selling for less than $30.

The knock-off hoodies are allegedly missing the signature thumb holes as well as the vague possibility Wentz’s DNA might have rubbed off on the fabric for you to keep for years until cloning technology is perfected and you can get a Wentz of your very own replicated to play with at home. Which, we presume, is the main pull of the clothing line anyway.

Thumbholes? Lemme guess, there’s thumbholes in the wrists so that the sleeves can be pulled down over the hands at a respectable emo level? And excuse me, animal crackers? I suppose they’re moody animal crackers. The lions probably dye their manes black and wear it over their eyes and write whiny songs about the unfairness of being king of the forest and the kind of pressure that puts on you, until you can’t take it anymore, and OH GOD will someone eat me already?

Pete Wentz out shopping in West Hollywood (because he’s gay) :

Last night Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and beard Pete Wentz welcomed their new baby boy, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Says E! Online about the birth:

The baby boy weighed in at 7 pounds, 11 ounces and measured 20½ inches.

“Proud new parents Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz welcomed new son, Bronx Mowgli Wentz, late this evening,” a rep for the new mom told E! News. “Ashlee, Pete and baby Bronx are all healthy and happy, and thank everyone for their well wishes!”
The birth comes almost three weeks after the 29-year-old Fall Out Boy mastermind told Ryan Seacrest that his 24-year-old missus was “very pregnant…She’s at the very end, and it could happen at any point.”
As for the tot’s name, Wentz told Seacrest they were not looking to go down in the annals of punchline-ready celebrity monikers.

“I want to meet the baby first. My friend said it—you’ve gotta have a baby with a name that could be a rock star or a senator, so he’ll get work either way.”

Oh sure, “whiny scruffy boy in a loincloth raised by wolves” positively smacks of rock stardom, or better yet, electoral success! Maybe if he gets elected to office, he can bring Baloo and Bagheera along as his advisors. The “Bear Necessities” sounds like a great political agenda to me!

What do you get when you cross TV’s Barney Miller with the late Harry Caray? Well, whatever it is, you can bet it’s a lot less douchey than Pete Wentz in that stupid-ass wig. I swear, if he got any gayer, he’d shit rainbows.

Shaming himself on behalf of his new clothing line Fresh Only Bakery:

You might not know this, but we came this close to losing the national treasure that is Pete Wentz. Sign of the cross, quick! According to Page Six

Wentz once played a scary game of Russian roulette while in a booze-and-pill stupor. I pulled a trigger on a gun aimed at myself,” the Fall Out Boy star confesses in next month’s Playboy. “My friend and I did one pull each. We’d been drinking and had taken Ambien.”

By my calculations, that’s the third time God has majorly blown it. The first being when Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans instead of France and the second being when Pete Wentz wasn’t a stillborn with spina bifida. Way to drop the ball, Jehovah!

After months of uninterested speculation, newlyweds Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz finally confirmed that she is pregnant with their first child. BO-RING. Significantly less boring? The bee made entirely of Legos that Pete gave Ashlee as a wedding gift. According to Splash News, Pete commissioned Nathan Sawaya to create the insect sculpture because

Because it is romantic of course. In Hindu myth, Kama, the god of love, has a bow… made up of bees. In the ancient Greek world, the bee symbolized the soul. And the Roman god of love is often pictured with bees or being stung.

I made this bee for a boy who wanted to give his girl a special wedding gift. They are a fun couple as evidenced by their Alice in Wonderland themed wedding.

I figured the bee had more to do with his crying. See, in Egyptian mythology, bees grew from the tears of the sun god Ra when they landed on the desert sand. “Pete Wentz” and “tears” go together almost as well as “Pete Wentz” and “vagina,” but unfortunately, there weren’t any references to female genitalia in the ancient mythology of the bee.

Looks like Joe Simpson’s shameless begging paid off — despite their recent split, Tony Romo was on hand to escort maid of honor Jessica Simpson down the aisle at little sister Ashlee’s wedding this weekend. People Magazine says

Simpson and her NFL-star beau were spotted together Friday… during Ashlee’s rehearsal dinner, held at Jessica’s Beverly Hills home. “They were very cozy and cute together,” said a source close to the couple. “She was in an amazing mood and so happy her sister was getting married.”

As for Saturday’s wedding and Alice In Wonderland-themed reception, Romo [and Jessica] “were kissing and holding hands throughout the night. He was very sweet to her. They were very much a couple.”

Joe Simpson likes to fancy himself as some kind of clever pirate, commandeering his daughter’s lives and steering them toward his own fiscal success. The reality is he’s like a retarded puppeteer who mostly uses his sock puppets for jerking off and keeping his hand cool while he shoots himself in the foot.

Ashlee Simpson is all set to get married to boyfriend Pete Wentz this weekend. Squeal! Us Weekly says

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz will wed Saturday, May 17 at a “top secret” location. “Proper invites have not been sent out but instead guests have been given a save the date notice.” On Saturday, “all guests will be transported in shuttles to the wedding location.”

In lieu of cash, you could probably just send the happy couple boxes of tampons and Lady Bics. You know, something they can both use for years to come!

Ashlee with friends in L.A. on Sunday: