Rumors that there was a sex tape starring Christie Brinkley’s ex-husband Peter Cook boning a then 18-year old Diana Bianchi were confirmed yesterday. Peter Cook and a sex tape! Boy, I didn’t see that one coming! Can you guys give me a minute to collect myself? I’m just gonna pace around with a hand over my mouth and shaking my head in disbelief. Page Six says

[The Peter Cook sex tape] does exist. We were shown a series of stills from a video depicting Cook and Bianchi, both nude, having sexual intercourse on a brown love seat. They also show Bianchi performing a striptease… as Cook holds his crotch.

I’d wager the only time Peter Cook isn’t holding his crotch is when he has to use his jerk-off hand to write up another confidentiality agreement. I swear, that guy makes L’il Wayne look like a fucking amateur.

Day one of the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook divorce trial yielded some seriously salacious gossip yesterday. According to Us Weekly

Cook, 49, recalled how he frequently had sex with Diana Bianchi, then 18, in his office and at homes owned by Brinkley. He said he gave Bianchi spending money, and [later] paid her $300,000 to quiet.

Cook [also] spent $3,000-a-month on web porn… and tearfully admitted to pleasuring himself in front of a Web cam.

How the hell do you spend three thousand dollars a month on internet porn? Thanks to vindictive ex-boyfriends and RapidShare, you can see all the vaginas you want these days for free. It just doesn’t add up. I did the math, and at $29.95 a pop three times a day for 30 days, you’re left with: negative six penises and four sets of hands. No, really. Check the figures. The only way that kind of bill makes any sense is if you’re working with a half dozen extra wieners and four additional sets of hands. That Peter Cook guy is some kind of freak.

Christie unveiling the Swarovski Star last year: