It’s hard to mess up huge boobs, but that is definitely not Kelly Brook’s best angle. She looks like she should be lumbering out of the Limpopo to wallow in some lakeshore mud. And before you get your panties in a twist and start huffing about unrealistic body standards and the misogynistic patriarchal cultural conspiracy, I’m NOT calling her fat. I’m saying that particular angle makes her look fat. Geez. Way to ruin it for everybody. I see we’ve arrived at Bitter and Chunky Town, Population: YOU.

Remember how Paz de la Huerta was naked before? Yeah, well, she’s still naked. Calling her a one-trick pony would be an insult to ponies everywhere.

No.3 Saguaro Series James Macari photoshoot:

Now there are ten more pics of “Boardwalk Empire’s” Paz de la Huerta flapping her ass cheeks all over creation in a black and white photo shoot for some snooty foreign photographer, and naturally I assumed you’d want to see them. Unless of course you’re one of those people who believes there’s such a thing as TOO much ass, in which case you are dead to me. And also probably gay.

See more of her nude here, here and here:

Paz de la Huerta might be famous, but she starts her day just like the rest of us — bent over with her ass cheeks spread. Welcome to corporate America, Paz!

Paz de la Huerta spreading it all over Cafe de Flore in Paris for photographer Olivier Zahm:

My recent foray into bitterness and crappy Moscato got me to thinking: how could I possibly make myself feel even worse today than I did yesterday, even though I’m out of wine and lighter fluid? And then I thought, “Oh, yeah! How about some pictures of an airbrushed-beyond-perfection lingerie model who’s ten years younger than me and the very manifestation of idealized and unattainable Western beauty?” Yep, that does the trick alright. Like my mom always said, if I’m going down, then I’m taking all you fuckers with me.

Candice Swanepoel in next month’s British GQ:

Jalouse magazine somehow got their hands on a limited edition Megan Fox with realistic kung fu grip and swivel arm action, but I’m still holding out for one with a double-hinged jaw and 180 degree leg rotation. So long as it’s still in its original packaging.

Newly-engaged Jessica Biel graces the cover of W Magazine’s “American Beauty” issue, probably because she has some terrible new movie to promote that nobody will ever go see because “7th Heaven” was the zenith of her career and everybody knows it but her. Once you’ve stepped into post-”Happy Gilmore” Adam Sandler territory, I’m afraid there’s no turning back. It’s already too late for you.

Lana del Rey is the latest celebrity to model for fashion house Versace, seen her on her first official photo shoot in West Hollywood yesterday. Apparently Versace drew real inspiration from Mrs. Roper on “Three’s Company” and Mr.T. Fashion FAIL.

Kate Upton as Marilyn Monroe for MUSE Magazine

Tags: cover, kate upton, magazine, march 2012, marilyn monroe, muse, photo shoot