Former Bond girl Eva Green gives a whole new meaning to the term “buffing the table.” I’d like to wax her floor and vacuum her lampshade, if you know what I mean! Cause I sure as hell don’t.

Completely NSFW naked in “The Dreamers:

In classical mythology, ambrosia was the nectar of the gods that begat immortality to anyone who drank it. It stands to reason that Ambrosio must be the stuff that comes out when one of the gods ejaculates perfection, because Alessandra Ambrosio is positively divine. Sure as hell beats someone eating your mother in fly form and then taking an ax to his head to give birth to you. That’s right, Minerva and her suit of armor can suck it!

Bikini shoot in St. Barths:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Boy, it sure would be nice to stand in front of a wind machine in some of the most exotic locals in the world while someone oils up my ass and another person arranges my hair extensions, à la Miranda Kerr in this Victoria’s Secret photoshoot. But no, some of us actually have to get up by ten o’clock and wipe the vomit/semen/tears from our pajamas and get crackin’ on another tough day of making fun of people on the computer. Some people have all the luck!

Somewhere fancy that you aren’t:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

This is the only known remedy for the fuckery that was the previous Adam Lambert post: lots of Victoria’s Secret model Marisa Miller in a bikini. Take two pictures twice an hour with a full glass of scotch and call me in the morning. Or don’t call me in the morning. Whatever. It’s not like any of the other guys I bring home ever do, anyway.

Marisa with some other models for a VS swimsuit catalog shoot in Saint Barthelemy:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Wow, Playboy is really going to the dogs. Your favorite washed up train wreck, wonky-tittied Tara Reid, is reportedly stripping for Playboy! Digital Spy reports,

American Pie actress Tara Reid has allegedly stripped for an upcoming issue of Playboy.

According to reports, the 33-year-old star posed for the cover of the legendary men’s magazine in Santa Monica on October 7.

“She was a bit insecure about her body when they first started,” one source told In Touch Weekly.

“She looked great and finally got into the groove.”

Reid has yet to confirm or deny the claims.

Oh, I get it. It’s for their Halloween issue, right? Right? Please?

Hangin’ free in Cannes:

Dita Von Teese’s outfit here is pretty, um, ambitious?.  The last time I tried dressing up as Our Lady of Guadalupe was when I got knocked up by the UPS guy and I tried to pass off the pregnancy as divine. Didn’t really fly. Hope things go better for Dita!

I suppose if the other outfit was the virginal Mary, this is…um, the sexy demon of bicycling?

Levi Johnston, best known as “the guy who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter,” will be posing nude in a photo shoot for gay men’s magazine Playgirl. The Daily Mail says

Levi Johnston, the ex-lover of Mrs Palin’s 18-year-old daughter Bristol, is training three hours a day, six nights a week at a gym in Alaska in preparation for the shoot.

Mr Johnston has been working out with Marvin Jones, a former Mr Alaska competitor who has put the teenager on a low-carb, high-protein diet.

No date has been set for the Playgirl photo shoot, but it is expected to be previewed by the end of the year.

Mrs Palin’s representatives did not respond to a request for comment on the Playgirl job.

So Levi Johnston will be showing the world his johnson. Ha ha, get it? Johnston, johnson? It’s a wiener joke. I wouldn’t want a joke that subtle to slip right over your head.

Not showing his wiener in GQ:

Those “water goddess” pictures of Kim Kardashian I put up earlier this week were actually part of her shoot for next month’s South African FHM. Because really, with all the HIV, gang rape, and rampant murder, why wouldn’t you want to do a bikini shoot in South Africa? For authenticity’s sake, though, they should have included a few shots of a farmer getting stabbed in the neck and maybe a school girl or two being jackrolled in the background. These just smack of American opulence.

This week’s issue of Page Six Magazine has an article entitled “Is Jeremy Piven the Biggest Jerk in Showbiz?” In a word, yes:

During the Page Six photo shoot for his role in the “Speed the Plow,” he initially refused to pose for a standard head shot, sniping, “This isn’t my first time on the merry-go-round. You want mediocre? I can give you mediocre.”

After an hour or so, Piven finally let out a “gutteral moan” and “ripped the sleeves off his Armani shirt” to produce the photo above.

This guy is a douche, but he’s the worst kind of douche — the one who can’t be convinced that he’s anything short of fucking spectacular. The kind that angles the rearview mirror so he can admire his reflection while driving and who wears leopard print bikini briefs and sleeps on black satin sheets. If you could somehow choke down enough Maxim magazine and Summer’s Eve feminine wash to give yourself diarrhea, then look in the bowl after your asshole cooled down, I guarantee you’d find Jeremy Piven staring back up at you, giving you the ol’ “finger gun and wink” and spraying on more Tom Ford cologne. That’s when I’d start slamming the lid on his head until I saw blood and pray he goes down on the third flush.

Sure, Entourage is a show on HBO, but so was Arli$$:

It’s hard to believe that Victoria’s Secret angel Alessandra Ambrosio just had a baby. Just like it’s hard to believe that I could insert my whole fist into my mouth without the aid of lubricant and a horse speculum. But like French mathematician Blaise Pascal once said, “You always admire what you really don’t understand.” It’s okay if you just want to worship us from afar.

Shooting at Nikki beach, St Barth:

41-year old supermodel Helena Christensen bares it all in this black and white photo shoot by acclaimed photographer Solve Sundsbo. Now, I have no idea who “Solve Sundsbo” actually is, but with an awesome name like that, my guess is on a thoroughly-bearded garden gnome who lives in a toadstool. Possibly a mentally retarded immigrant with a heart of gold and a knack for cheese-based pastries. It still doesn’t explain how he got Helena Christensen naked, but that’s where I’ve got two words for you: white wizard. It just makes sense.

Mostly NSFW:

Victoria’s Secret Angels Marisa Miller and Sellita Ebanks took a little break from shooting their new ad campaign to have fun in the water yesterday. It’s kinda hard to differentiate when they’re working from when they’re taking a break, because it all looks exactly the same when you’re a model. Whereas I can always tell I’m not working. When I’m not wearing elbow-length plastic gloves and squeegeeing pig entrails into a floor drain, I’m not working. Simple as that. Maybe Selita and Marisa should try working at a slaughterhouse for minimum wage and learn the goddamn difference.