I was so happy because thought these were pictures of Hilary Duff actually wiping out on a busy street in New York, but it wasn’t till later that I realized there was a big puffy mat in the middle of the crosswalk for her to land on. So then I read the photo description, which said “Hilary Duff takes a ‘fall’ on the set of her upcoming TV romantic comedy, “The Business of Falling in Love,” as it films in Manhattan,” which confirmed it was totally staged. However, at this point, I had already uploaded them. So here you go. That’s just the kind of commitment to quality I bring to the table. I put the same amount of effort into this hearty “fuck you.” Nobody likes a whiner!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Keira Knightley’s latest ad campaign for Chanel’s Coco Mademoiselle has been unveiled, and the boob they use in the photo (right) does not belong to Keira Knightley (left). I know for a fact that’s not what her tits look like. And not just because I look through her window with a high-powered infrared telescope from a park a mile due south of her flat, either. That’s just a lucky coincidence. Like they say, the proof is in the pudding!*

_{* Which I also know for a fact she doesn’t eat, thanks to my handy telescope.}

Dying to know the secret behind Britney Spears’ “bikini body?” Then it’s safe to assume you’re severely myopic. OK! Magazine says

The sexy mom can credit her slamming new body in part to the Sunfare diet, a gourmet meal delivery company which counts stars such as Eva Longoria Parker, Marcia Cross and Khloe Kardashian among its fans. [Sunfare] incorporates a balanced, low-carb approach of three big meals and two snacks per day, all documented through the delivery system.

The other major factor behind Brit’s renewed physique is good old-fashioned hard work in the dance studio and on stage.

I’ve seen the secret behind Britney’s bikini body. A bag full of laxatives and a blood stream full of methamphetamines, wasn’t it? Sorry, but shitting my pants and coughing up blood really cramps my style. I’ve already done freshman year once before, thank you very much.

Shopping on Robertson Boulevard in L.A.:

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News Online

Boy wonder Ashton Kutcher posted a picture of wife Demi Moore’s ass on his Twitter account over the weekend without her knowing it. He wrote:

Watching my wife steam my suit while wearing a bikini. I love God!
9:43 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

I’m not wearing the bikini she is that’s what makes it so glorious
9:46 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

Shhh don’t tell wifey
10:11 AM Mar 21st from TweetDeck

Oh, that’s right, boys. If there’s one thing that ladies love, it’s your posting semi-nude pictures of them on the internet without their knowledge or consent. Next to slipping them a roofie and videotaping yourself violating their unresponsive body, it’s practically the only guaranteed way to melt a girl’s heart.

A little more than a month after Miley Cyrus’ infamous slant-eyed photo made the rounds on the internet, a photo of middle Jonas Brother Joe Jonas doing his version of the slant-eye found its way online yesterday. Disney must be thrilled. The Huffington Post says

Joe Jonas appears to be the gentleman in a photo pulling down his eyelids with his pinky fingers. Jonas, who like the guy in the photo wears a purity ring, is an older brother of Miley’s ex boyfriend Nick Jonas.

No word when the photo was taken or where it came from before surfacing on Gossip Teen.

Unfortunately, there’s also no word as to why he’s dressed like the inside of a black guy’s living room, either. African-Americans agree, he’s sorely lacking in the gilded mirror and decorative bottles of liquor department.

A picture of the greatest Olympic athlete of all time smoking pot made the media rounds over the weekend, outraging fogies and squares the world over. It seems Michael Phelps was photographed toking on a bong at a USC house party last November, where he was ass-tapping visiting a student there named Jordan Matthews. Michael quickly issued a public apology, telling the Associated Press in a written statement:

“I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment. I’m 23 years old and despite the successes I’ve had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.”

So what’s to become of his fledgling career and endorsement deals now? According to News of the World

After sporting chiefs announced laws which mean four-year bans for drug-taking, Phelps’ dreams of adding to his overall 14 gold medal tally at the 2012 games in London could already be over.

Phelps earned [$8 million] last year in endorsements… with huge brands such as Mastercard and HSBC. The [companies] admitted proven cannabis use would be “a major taint” on Phelps’ character.

Jesus effing Christ on a stick. So everybody’s cool with that DUI he got a few years back — Mastercard and HSBC are still content to milk that tainted cow — but God forbid he dare to smoke a little pot. You know, because driving drunk never killed anyone or ophaned any children or maimed any innocent bystanders the way marijuana does. No sir. Big companies can put their dollars behind DUIs. But smoking pot? Why, it’s like playing a game of Russian roulette. If instead of a gun you had a old N64 and instead of bullets you had Tostinos pizza rolls. Good on corporate giants for maintaining such a strict moral code and sense of decency.

Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson posted the supposed “first official picture” of new baby Bronx Mowgli on Pete’s Friends of Enemies website, along with a plea for you to donate money to several different charities… none of which are Suicide Prevention or Support for Proposition 8. Ding ding ding ding ding! That should have thrown up the first red flag for you right there. Then there isn’t even eyeliner or an ill-fitting anime t-shirt anywhere on the baby. Second flag. Yep, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me. I’m like Nancy Drew of the gossip world, if Nancy Drew had early stage liver disease and a socially crippling fear of robot overlords. And I know a fake when I see one!

Everyone’s all excited about the first picture of Jessica Biel as a stripper in the upcoming movie “Powder Blue.” I don’t see what the big deal is. That goatee does nothing for her. She looks like she ought to be doling out slop in a prison cafeteria, not offering me a forty dollar lapdance. Somebody really dropped the ball here.

Without the goatee at the Museum of Modern Art last week: