You’ve been waiting for it, boys and girls, and now here it is: Britney Spears sex tape stills. You’re welcome! RobbyR of Project X-Tapes says:

This looks exactly like her, I’d be shocked if it was NOT her. The only reason I am cautious to say “100% positive proof”… is not finding the dark freckle on her left side stomach on any other pictures I have of her. The wrist tattoo matches… two tattoos very low on her stomach are not visible in the bathtub pictures because her legs are bent up… while she pleasures herself with the bath water.”

If only there was a way to know for sure. Like if fat rolls worked like tree rings or if Cheetos dust could be seen with an ultraviolet light.

UPDATE: Pictures are working now. May God have mercy on your souls.

Holy hell NSFW:

Famed southern writer Eudora Welty once wrote, “A good snapshot stops a moment from running away.” Except for in the case of Heather Locklear, where all it stops is your right hand from going anywhere near your penis.

Heather from a more flattering angle on the set of “Flirting With Forty:”

Miley Cyrus issued a statement apologizing for those suggestive MySpace pictures and for a photo shoot in next month’s Vanity Fair in which she appears to be topless. People Magazine quotes her as saying:

On Vanity Fair:

“I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie [Leibovitz]. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed.”

On the MySpace pictures:

“The pictures of me on the Internet were silly, inappropriate shots. I appreciate all the support of my fans, and hope they understand that along the way I am going to make mistakes and I am not perfect. I never intended for any of this to happen and I am truly sorry if I have disappointed anyone.

Most of all, I have let myself down. I will learn from my mistakes and trust my support team. My family and my faith will guide me through my life’s journey.”

The Disney Channel’s spin on it:

“Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.”

And lastly, Vanity Fair’s take on it:

“Miley’s parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley. The photo suggests that she is [naked], but she is not. She is covered by a sheet, and beneath the sheet she is clothed.”

Originally, she was in a flesh-colored tank top but was asked to remove it.”

And MY take on it:

Jesus H. Christ. If we’re going to start arguing the hypersexualization of little girls, how ’bout we start with those god-awful Bratz dolls that every seven year old in pigtails seems to have? That Vanity Fair photo is no more provocative than a halter top, but this little yo-ho looks like she’s about to offer me a half and half plus Greek if I want to come up three o’clock. Those are awfully big words to have to explain to a second grader. Fortunately, pointing and lewd hand gestures still do the trick in Nepal. Sex sells, sweethearts!

UPDATE: Now with more hot daddy-on-daughter action!

My psychotic instincts may have been a little off yesterday, because it turns out that mock-turtlenecked and be-Burberried-dog-flanked “Sex and the City” star Kristin Davis is in fact the one gobbling a wiener in the picture in yesterday’s post. However, technically, I’m still right, because there isn’t any sex tape — just a slew of naked photos sold by an angry ex-boyfriend. TMZ says

The photos were snapped in 1992 by an ex-boyfriend. We’re told the ex-boyfriend was pissed at Kristin and then sold the photos to a third party.The third party got involved in a business venture with another guy and we’re told that guy pilfered the pics and they ended up online.

Being the classy and distinguished site that we are, I can’t post lewd nekkid pictures here. I can, however, link them. For instance, you could look at this mother-of-God-in-the-name-of-all-that-is-holy NSFW picture here, or you could just look at this picture of a sea squirt and not get fired from your job. They basically look the same. And (NSFW) this? What this fuck is (NSFW) this? I don’t know whether to throw up or touch myself. I guess I could do both, just to save time. It can be just like my wedding night all over again, only with less crying and threatening to kill myself.

Jennifer Lopez, never one to shy away from outrageous and ridiculous demands (White flowers. White tablecloths. White curtains. White candles. White couches. Coffee to be stirred counter-clockwise!), is taking “diva status” to a whole new level with her upcoming People Magazine baby shoot. According to TMZ

Not only has Jennifer Lopez sold her baby pics to People mag for a cool $6 mil — she got the mag to agree to stop calling her JLo! JLo [also insisted] that her hubby Marc Anthony be the one to shoot the photos.

… Thereby assuring that the undersigned Jennifer Lopez, hereby referred to on this site as “JLo,” “J-Ho” and “J-Blow,” respectively, assumes all responsibility for actual, consequential, incidental, special or exemplary damages resulting from, caused by or associated with such a stupid fucking useless demand in the first place.