I’m going to do things a little backwards today and start with the S.S. because the Victoria’s Secret fashion show was last night, and it’s the best thing you’re gonna see all day. Trust me, it’s all downhill from here. Kinda like my life for the last fifteen years.

UPDATE: Moving this to the top of the page so you can abuse it all weekend. You’re welcome!

Ana Beatriz Barros, Selita Ebanks, Erin Heatherton and Isabel Goulart after the jump.

Heidi Klum:

Alessandra Ambrosio:

Miranda Kerr:

Marisa Miller and Doutzen Kroes:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

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Katy Perry is neither interesting nor talented, wears too much goddamn makeup, and everything she owns looks like it was made from polyester and lycra at 579. So why all the pictures, you ask? Well, two reasons: “because they’re there” and “because I hate you.” No, I’m just kidding. It’s her boobs. C’mon, where did you think I was going with this?

At the Samsung Party at Boulevard 3 Wednesday night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

You would think it would be impossible to make a video of a girl taking a big load of champagne in the face bukkake-style unsexy, but you’d be fucking wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. All you have to do is show the champagne hitting her face in reverse slow motion and star Hayden Panettiere. I’ve seen footage of college girls throwing up after a kegstand that was sexier than this crap.

Other inexplicably unsexy pictures of Hayden:

Just four days after she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit for battery and false imprisonment against ex-boyfriend Shawne Merriman, Tila Tequila publicly entered the realm of cuckoo bananas by ranting nude for hours in front of a webcam. Nine MSN says

The reality star’s antics included doing a striptease, waving a gun around, removing a tampon and masturbating in front of the camera.

She also took the opportunity to defend herself against all her haters.

“People call me an attention whore … or whatever,” she ranted. “But excuse me, I’m a grown ass woman and I’m confident in myself … I think a woman’s body is a beautiful thing … that’s why I’m a lesbian … I was born naked … anybody who is against that is gay and in denial.”

She later declared, “I am an angel … because I am here to save the world with my army.”

Unfortunately, you can’t watch Tila pull out her Tampax or rub the monkey anymore, because her lawyer went and pulled all the videos. According to TMZ

[Tila's attorney says] he thinks the domestic violence incident with Shawne in September may have “pushed her over the edge.”

[However, he] acknowledges something is seriously wrong with Tila and he’s trying to figure out how to get her some help.

Um, yeah. Bitch is completely fucking insane. She thinks she has an army? Please! You’d be lucky to find three dudes that still give a shit about her busted-ass implants, much less an entire army. If she were any more delusional, she’d be Kathy Lee Gifford.

A couple of screen caps from the video:

Well, look who’s on the cover of next month’s Elle magazine! It’s Carrie Bradshaw, patron saint of wannabe fashionistas everywhere. I guess being perceived as a clotheshorse has really paid off for Sarah Jessica Parker. God knows it has to be better than just being perceived as a regular horse like before. Zing!

In Equistrian Monthly Bridle & Bit the December issue of Elle:

Cops were called to Paris Hilton’s house late Tuesday night after she got into a drunken shoving match with boyfriend Doug Reinhardt in the middle of her driveway. But of course, Paris is claiming it was all just a misunderstanding on the part of the LAPD. She told TMZ

“Doug and I were in bed, sound asleep, when Doug’s houseguests from hell got into an argument. We had nothing to do with it. Doug told the LAPD that his guests’ fight was over and that we had nothing to do with it.”

Except that’s not how the neighbors remember it, because it’s not what actually happened:

A neighbor [witnessed] Paris in her driveway screaming at Doug and watched as the two engaged in a mutual shoving match. And then there’s the LAPD, who tells us after arriving they actually made Paris get out of bed so they could check for injuries.

Well, she’s clearly lying. Cops don’t usually frisk you for something someone else did. Unless you’re a black man driving an expensive car, in which case it really goes without saying.

Launching her new hair tool “The Celebrity Styler” with sister Nicky:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Someone is finally telling Mariah Carey no, and this time it’s Britain’s health and safety officials. They flat-out denied her request to be flanked by twenty white kittens and a hundred white doves when she illuminates the Westfield Shopping Center London tonight. The Daily Mail says

The singer had issued a string of extravagant requirements in return for her appearance at the Westfield complex, [including] being driven by Rolls Royce along a pink carpet right to the pink podium where she is to wave a wand to turn on the lights.

Miss Carey [also] wants confetti shaped like butterflies to shower over her [and has] requested an entourage of 15 along with about 80 security guards.

However, her demands for white kittens and doves were turned down. A source said: ‘Due to health and safety, there was no way we could have the animals at Westfield.’

Safety for the kittens, I presume. White kittens are roughly the same size and shape as a Hostess Snoball. Having them at arm’s length from Mariah Carey in semi-darkness could really prove disastrous.

In London earlier this week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Are these pictures really stills from former Miss California Carrie Prejean’s sex tape? I don’t know, and frankly, this isn’t CNN. All I can tell you is that I found them on the internet and the internet told me it was her. If it’s fancy “fact-checking” and “source verification” you want, you might try iamahugefaggot.com instead.

Click the puppies for mega-NSFW masturbation action:

Beyonce did a little stage-diving in the crowd Monday night at London’s O2 arena as she wrapped up her hit song Halo in a free concert for her fans. What the video doesn’t show is the aftermath of hundreds of people’s spines simultaneously telescoping and discs herniating and lumbars spasming before they collapsed to the floor. I bet it looked just like Moses parting the Red Sea, only with more involuntary loss of bowel control and sobbing.

^{Video courtesy JoBlo}

This clip from Carmen Electra’s supposedly “leaked” sex tape features no boobies, no vaginas, and hardly any tongue at all. It’s real Rebecca Gayheart home video quality, let me tell you. I’m not going to come straight out and say it’s boring, but you should know I got a bigger boner watching “The Life Cycles of the Mealworm” while alphabetizing my sock drawer. And I don’t even have a penis. So counting this video, that makes two of us with absolutely no wieners at all.

Lots more screen caps after the jump

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Mary-Kate Olsen made an appearance at the Museum of Modern Art’s Second Annual Film Benefit honoring Tim Burton last night in a knee-length leopard-print coat and a jaunty bowler’s hat. When asked for comment, all she could reportedly say was “Beeeee… gooooooood.”

A few more of Mary-Kate, plus some of the always-disheveled Helena Bonham Carter:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

I don’t know what the hell’s going on with Leighton Meester, but it needs to stop right now. Last week she looked like this. Today she looks like Kristen Stewart’s bloated corpse after it washed up on a river bank. I’m pretty sure only Bruce Banner has ever changed that fast.

At the grand opening of the American Eage flagship store in NY:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin