Jennifer Love Hewitt keeps trying to convince us she’s still sexy and not at all fat but posting overtly photoshopped pics of herself on Twitter. Contrary to what my dad always told me, you apparently can stuff ten pounds of shit in a five-pound sack. Just so long as there’s a magic wand and clone tool to clean up all the stuff that spills over.

Anna Kournikova returns to her Russian roots in Tatler Russia, which would be great, except for the fact that it looks nothing like her. I didn’t know the Russians were so adept at Photoshop. Of course, I don’t know anything about Russians except that they can’t pronounce w’s, they drink vodka and their greatest contribution to the U.S. were Natasha Fatale and Boris Badenov. There’s a reason my high school diploma is printed on the back of the newspaper ad insert for Carl’s Jr. and it says I graduated from the School of  Channels 2-13.

If you’ve ever wanted to know what Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr would look like if she were from Mumbai, look no further than the July issue of FHM India. She makes a pretty decent South Asian, considering this is what she looks like in real life, but it takes more than black hair and darkened skin to make a convincing Indian woman. She also needs a mustache and some symptoms of yellow fever.

Pepsi’s new “skinny can” is stirring up controversy with its ad featuring a seemingly-Photoshopped Sofia Vergara. Says Digital Spy,

Sofia Vergara has insisted that photos of herself taken for Pepsi’s ‘skinny can’ were not altered.

The beverage brand received criticism on the “thoughtless and irresponsible” campaign from the National Eating Disorders Association after it was suggested that the Modern Family actress’s image had been photoshopped to make her appear thinner.

However, Vergara denied the claims, saying that she looks slimmer in the photos because of a wardrobe choice.

“That is not true at all,” she told the Boston Herald.

“I saw the pictures, and now with technology, they’re looking at it on the screen right after they take them. It was just a different way of dressing me.”

What the hell is she talking about, anyway? It’s a profile shot of her face, part of her right boob and arm. You can’t even tell it’s her. People are just always looking for a reason to be offended these days, to pick up their collective skirts and leave in a huff. Like that time I went to a Victorian-era reenactment tea in blackface. I don’t know what the problem was, I was being historically accurate.

On the set of Modern Family:

Nicki Minaj, dulcet little flower that she is, is on the lookout for a man who can “bring the freak out” in her. I’m sorry, what exactly do you call what you already are? Says NY Daily News,

In an interview with King Magazine set to hit the newsstands next month, the ‘Pink Friday’ musician had a specific list for what kind of partner she was looking for.

“I look for someone who is calm, someone who is strong enough to not have to win every argument, someone who allows a woman to be her crazy self and someone with a conscience not to feel like less of a man,” she told the mag. “You know, someone who is able to honor his woman but also bring out the freak in his woman.”

When pressed exactly what that meant, she said slyly “Just being super aggressive when the time is right.”

The star dished that in addition to her soaring rap career, she’s looking to get into acting. Known for slightly out-there style at times, it’s no surprise that she’d like her first movie to be one with some cool costumes and makeup.

“I’d like to play someone in a Tim Burton movie,” she said. “Where I get dressed up and painted kind of crazy.”

After that, she said, she’d love to play a character like Angelina Jolie’s in “Salt”.

“And then I’d like to play a regular girl who, you know, is facing the world,” she said. “Something really sentimental and organic, that girls all around the world can identify with.”

Sure, I don’t see any reason why you can’t be a famous movie star too. Hell, sampling and Auto-Tune a music star makes, why should making a movie be any different? Our entertainment industry is going to hell in a handbasket, and Nicki Minaj is the spawn of Satan.

They have photoshop in hell, too:

The people responsible for propping up Capitol Records meat puppet Katy Perry demanded that her 34D breasts be photoshopped smaller in her promotional poster for Vh1′s “Divas Salute the Troops.” Because if there’s one complaint that advertisers routinely hear, it’s “Can’t we get rid of those huge boobs?” Us Magazine says:

Pop singer Katy Perry, 26, was photographed posing like a pinup girl.

“But her team thinks her boobs look too big,” the source says of the newlywed. “The ads are being redone!”

Indeed, on Wednesday, VH1 released the retouched promo shot featuring Perry’s downsized chest.

Why stop there? They could probably photoshop a mustache on her upper lip and a big scrotum bulge over her lady bits, too. With crackerjack ideas like these, the sky’s the limit!

In next month’s Haper’s Bazaar:

Avril Lavinge is missing something important on the cover of next month’s Maxim. No, not cliched angst or pedestrian “bad girl” sexuality. They’re both there. It’s not fourteen pounds of hair extensions or lame tattoos, either — they’re there too. It’s the arm with the big pink arrows pointing at it. Either she’s part chameleon, or else her elbow has been surgically fused to the side of her abdomen.

She’s never been one to shy away from photoshop before, but these unretouched pictures from Madonna’s Spring/Summer Dolce & Gabbana campaign ought to show you just how much damage was un-done with the healing brush and patch tools. She looks like a cross between Courtney Love and Bea Arthur on roids. Even E.T.’s forearms weren’t that crêpey and disgusting.

Without photoshop:

Finished ads:

I see Mariah Carey’s retoucher has been working overtime. And smoking a lot of methamphetamine.

This picture of Christina Hendricks is from the December 2007 issue of GQ, but it’s just making the rounds today because of a little photoshop anomaly that nobody happened to catch until now. See if you can guess what it is. Hint: it’s not her boobs. They’re there. I checked. And then checked again. Nine MSN says:

Look very closely…

Seriously, where the hell are her legs?

We can only assume that the GQ Photoshop artist was so distracted by certain other areas of Christina Hendricks’ body that they forgot all about the rest of her!

It’s the entire lower half of her body that’s missing, and it only took us three years to catch it. That got me thinking — maybe we should rethink our entire approach to invading the Middle East. Instead of sending in troops to protect our oil interests, we should send in big-tittied double amputees in low cut tops. It’ll be another three years before they’ll even notice we’re there. Now that’s the kind of foreign policy I think we can all get behind! Remember to vote boobies in your November elections.

In the September 2010 issue of British GQ:

It’s amazing what makeup and photoshop will do for a mare girl. Here’s Hilary Swank looking downright pretty in September’s InStyle Magazine. But even the photographers had the horse sense during this photo shoot to connect Hilary back to her equine roots. Notice the caption that says “Close Range”? Where, may I ask, do young fillies like to roam? And what horse will say no to a nice, juicy apple? So, who agrees with me? Stomp your hoof once for yes, two for no.

Jennifer Aniston knew she was finished with this shoot for Glaceau Smart Water when the photographer patted her on the head and said, “That’ll do, pig. That’ll do,” and a friendly spider spun the word “radiant” in a web above her stall.

PHOTO CREDIT: Nine MSN