I don’t know what kind of illusion she thinks she’s shattering here (we all know that in real-life she looks like this) but Britney Spears has agreed to allow the unretouched images from her Candies shoot to be released alongside the digitally-altered ones that went to print. The Daily Mail says

Imperfections that can be clearly seen in the [above] un-airbrushed shot include blemishes on her calf [and] larger thighs. The airbrushed picture, however, tell a different story with a slimmed-down waist and flawless, skinny legs.

Meanwhile, in the un-airbrushed shot [below], she has areas of cellulite on the back of her thighs, a tattoo on her lower back (sometimes called a ‘tramp stamp’) is clearly visible and her backside is a little out of shape.

However, in the altered photo all of these imperfections have been wiped out – and she appears to have a pert rear, unrealistically smooth skin, slimmer legs and the tattoo has vanished.

Also noticeably absent? Her camel toe (I circled it in the before picture and drew an arrow to it in the after picture with my totally boss photoshopping skillz). I don’t know when it became a crime to have labia, but guilty as charged. You might as well have airbrushed out Cindy Crawford’s mole or Kelly Clarkson’s third chin. Selling her puss is all Britney Spears is really known for.

Ten more unretouched photos:

Jessica Simpson appears on the cover of next month’s Marie Claire without any make-up or retouching in an effort to promote her new turd of a show “The Price of Beauty.” She tells the magazine:

“There’s always something that I’ve wanted to fix because there’s always somebody who looks better; that’s what we always compare ourselves to. So I think the [show] really was finding what was beautiful inside of me and knowing that it’s unique and rare. And it was a very powerful journey. It has definitely changed my life.

I just wish I was taller, so all those dresses would fit! I like the bump in my nose. It’s an imperfection, but to me it’s perfection. I’m not against reconstructive surgery if it is for a woman to have more confidence.”

I’m not sure how looking as unattractive as possible on a magazine cover is gonna increase potential viewership, but then again, I’m not a fancy television producer. My instinct would be to go with “boobs” and “more boobs,” followed by a couple of high-speed car crashes and footage of fat people falling down. Which is precisely why I’m already in early stages of development with Fox.

Because the title “The Price of Having a Fame-Hungry Father and a String of Failed Relationships that I Eat My Way Through” didn’t really appeal to test audiences:

I guess Victoria’s Secret hired Mariah Carey’s retouchers when they decided to put Candice Swanepoel in the 2010 spring/summer swimsuit catalog, because she looks like a damn cartoon character in that picture. It’s a shame, because she’s naturally gorgeous, but they really went at her with the layering and the Gaussian Blurring. It didn’t take this much computer imaging to create the goddamn Na’vi.

There’s something different about Madonna’s face in this pic on the left from last year’s W Magazine photo shoot. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but if I could, I bet it’d come back smelling like mustache wax and estrogen cream. Bitch looks like an old catcher’s mitt that somebody left out in the rain for six weeks.

See boyfriend Jesus’ wiener here.

It’s a sad, sad day when the powers of photoshop can’t suppress the mighty fortress of ugly that is Lady Gaga, seen here in the “Hot and Wild” photoshoot by David LaChapelle, oddly featuring a crazed-looking (okay, more than usual) Kanye West (I think that’s him anyway) bearing her away from an exploding volcano. I dunno what the hell that’s supposed to symbolize. My sphincter’s reaction every time I see her?

More “artistic” crap:

Keira Knightley’s latest ad campaign for Chanel’s Coco Mademoiselle has been unveiled, and the boob they use in the photo (right) does not belong to Keira Knightley (left). I know for a fact that’s not what her tits look like. And not just because I look through her window with a high-powered infrared telescope from a park a mile due south of her flat, either. That’s just a lucky coincidence. Like they say, the proof is in the pudding!*

_{* Which I also know for a fact she doesn’t eat, thanks to my handy telescope.}

Here’s the cover of Mariah Carey’s new album “Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel.” Let me be the first to say “imperfect angel” my ass. More like fucking “imaginary angel.” I guess “The Memoirs of Back Fat and Pit Bacon” was just too authentic for studio execs.

Click the header image to see what the REAL Mariah looks like:

Either Eminem hired Mariah Carey’s retoucher, or else someone accidentally microwaved his face in a Tupperware container. I haven’t seen that much tucking since The RuPaul Show debuted on VH1.

Everybody has been raving about how unbelievable Jessica Alba’s post-baby body looked in her new Campari swimsuit calendar, and “unbelievable” would be right, because it isn’t fucking real. It’s all the work of digital retouching — a good three inches off her waist and hips and virtual breast implants. Nothing you see is real anymore. Nothing except our love, that is. And maybe the Zionist Agenda. That you can take to the bank, baby.

Britney Spears is finally starting to look a bit like her former self — the one before two babies and 9,000 gallons of frappucino — but hell if that’s Britney in the pictures above. Nine MSN says

The leaked artwork for upcoming single ‘Womanizer’ is so airbrushed, it makes Britney look positively [inhuman] – unless you’re a human with weirdly long stick legs and a dehydrated pinhead. It’s a new benchmark in badly Photoshopped celebs.

It’s nice to know Mariah Carey’s retoucher is still making the rounds! What with the uncertainty in today’s economy and all. I guess “realistic proportions” and “job security” are mutually exclusivefor a photoshop artist. Kinda like how “not being laid like ten miles of pipe” and “your mom” are mutually exclusive. Zing!

Mischa Barton is claiming that the man who photographed her sunbathing topless in Australia last weekend did a little retaliatory photoshopping in an attempt to make her look bad. Barton’s rep tells Rush and Molloy

“Those photos are doctored. They’ve given a 22-year-old woman the legs and bottom of an 80-year-old. There’s a lot you can do with Photoshopping. [Photographer Jamie Fawcett is determined] to make Mischa look bad because she called him out for taking the topless shots.”

Oh, come off it already, Mischa. The photos aren’t doctored and we all know it. Remember, nobody likes a crybaby. Crybabies get picked last for kickball and don’t go to prom and end up living with their mothers and developing glandular issues and hiding behind their computers making fun of people they don’t know in a feeble attempt to quell their own self-loathing. Frankly, that kind of existence is a little pathetic.