After three years of marriage, Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley are officially separating at their respective douchenozzles. Us Weekly says

“She dumped him and told him she was leaving him. She wants to move on,” a source [says] adding that Lavigne, 25, forced him out of their $9.5 million [Bel Air] estate. “Divorce papers will be filed any day now.”

Whibley, 29, “is crushed,” adds another insider.

It’s not exactly shocking when two poser douchebags’ sham of a marriage dissolves like so many mushy turds on the follow-up flush. And speaking of turds, I’d like to take this opportunity to state that I’ve had farts with more dimension and depth than any of Avril’s crappy songs. Arista might really want to look into my asshole. It might be the next Sk8r Boi sensation!

UPDATE: Avril just confirmed the split on her website.

Promoting her Abbey Dawn line:

Megan Fox famously told GQ last year:

“I could see myself in a relationship with [Olivia Wilde] — she is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She’s mesmerizing.”

You’ve got to give that Megan credit for such an interesting metaphor, but I don’t really see your average guy strangling a mountain ox our of sheer erotic enthusiasm for Olivia Wilde. Now choking a chicken or spanking a monkey, sure. It’s really just a question of choosing the right metaphorical animal.

Olivia’s gymnast-themed photo shoot in next month’s GQ: