I think every guy in the world has fantasized about giving Kelly Brook a “pearl necklace,” so the choice of jewelry is a little heavy-handed here. I’m sure guys fantasize about giving her a “Colonel Sanders,” too, but nobody wants to see a naked chick wearing a goatee and a Western bow tie. Just trust me on that one.

NSFW finger-lickin’ goodness:

After first blatantly denying it, Lindsay Lohan finally fessed up to failing a court-ordered drug test less than three weeks after being released from rehab. Somebody fetch me some smelling salts while I fan myself in shock and disbelief. TMZ says:

Lindsay tested positive for cocaine last week. Sources connected with the case tell us Lindsay failed another test as well — we’re told it was not for cocaine, but they would not be more specific. The tests were both conducted within a short span of each other.

Lindsay could face 30 days behind bars for each failed drug test.”

But the important thing here is that Lindsay has learned her lesson. She tweeted late Friday night:

“Regrettably, I did in fact fail my most recent drug test.

Substance abuse is a disease, which unfortunately doesn’t go away over night. I am working hard to overcome it and am taking positive steps forward every day. I am testing every single day and doing what I must do to prevent any mishaps in the future.

So thankful for the support of my fans, loved ones and immediate family, who understand that i am trying hard, but also that I am a work in progress, just as anyone else. I am keeping my faith, and I am hopeful….Thank you all!!!

This was certainly a setback for me but I am taking responsibility for my actions and I’m prepared to face the consequences.”

Boy, she has fucked up royally here. There’s no excuses, no conspiracies, no missing passports to shoulder the blame this time. Waving her hand in front of the judge while saying “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for… move along” is really the only chance she’s got.

Many a celebrity wild child have had stints at a teen rehab for drug abuse, but some suffer a relapse shortly after getting out of it.

Because if there’s one thing a girl half a mil in credit card debt needs, it’s a Porsche:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

You probably never noticed it before, but Malin Åkerman’s name has a tiny circle on it. Like this little dot, right over the A. Circle… dot… Jesus, does anybody else see where this is going? This is clearly part of some diabolical plot by the Swiss to preternaturally immunize against cooties without ever having to administer the shot! My God. It was right in front of me the whole time. Everything I thought I knew about the third grade recess dynamic is a lie! Also: boobs.

A couple of these are NSFW:

Anna Kournikova is to tennis what Dane Cook is to comedy, but that hasn’t stopped Maxim from putting her in their latest 3D issue in a bikini. Probably because Maxim is the Dane Cook of soft core jerkoff mags. See how mediocrity often comes full circle? That’s why most of your Linkin Park CD’s are typically round. The more you know…

I mistakenly reported that Lady Gaga’s VMAs meat dress was a fake yesterday, because I naturally just assumed MTV hadn’t put listeria and e. coli on the guest list. Turns out her dress was made of real beef. About 25 pounds of it, to be exact. And just look at how pretty it looked just 24 hours later (click header for closeup)! The NY Daily News says:

Peter Cacioppo, head butcher at Ottomanelli Brothers on the upper East Side, wasn’t impressed with Gaga’s fleshy frock.

“There are no expensive cuts here, no real steaks,” he said. “The best you’ve got is the flank steak on top of her head.”

He said about 25 pounds of meat went into the carnivore couture.

“It ain’t refrigerated,” said Cacioppo. “It’s probably stinking bad. She’s in the lights: It’s cooking.”

But there was a good reason she exposed everyone to tapeworms, hookworms and various pathogenic bacteria — it’s because gay people can’t sacrifice themselves in the name of foreign oil interests:

Gaga said she wasn’t making a statement about vegetarians with her slaughterhouse chic. Instead, she explained it was about gay rights in the military… or something.

“If we don’t stand up for what we believe in and if we don’t fight for our rights, pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones,” she said. “And I am not a piece of meat.”

Ooh, that’s really deep, isn’t it? I’m drowning in the sea of her metaphor, sinking into the beefy tide of her political statement. No, wait — that’s the Jim Beam. My mistake. Carry on!

“Beating your meat” never seemed so appealing:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The botox injections Kim Kardashian got on the latest episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians left a series of bruises around her eyes… and a warm place in my heart. I can still pretend she took a tire iron to the temple instead of a surgeon’s needle. See, that’s the power of imagination! It can take you anywhere! The Daily Mail says:

On last night’s episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians Kim visited a Beverly Hills clinic for some Botox injections around her eyes.

Kim decided to brave it and have the injections without the numbing cream, vowing that she has a high tolerance for pain.

Despite attempting to relax in a bubble bath and ice the injections sites, Kim ended up with some serious swelling and two black eyes.

‘I’m never doing this again… at least not until I’m 40!’ Kim told her family [afterward].

I bet she does have a high tolerance for pain. I’ve seen the dresses she stuffs her giant ass into. God only knows how her internal organs handle it. Her liver’s probably folded over on top of itself most of the time and her lungs can only be operating at 35% efficiency, tops. I’m surprised her pancreas doesn’t fly out of her mouth every time she sneezes.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

Because her pre-taped segment for the VMA’s was so darn funny, Lindsay Lohan has decided she’s going to host Saturday Night Live and show the world she poke fun at her drunken whore image. Again. The NY Daily News says;

Lohan is in conversations to host “SNL” on Dec. 4, according to a source familiar with the deal.

The NBC late-nighter would give Lohan 90 minutes to prove to those who may still care about her career that she is employable after a string of run-ins with the law and rehab stints.

Yep, nothing says cinematic bankability like hosting SNL. Just ask Tom Green or Macauly Culkin. They wouldn’t be where they are today if they hadn’t!

Lindsay for Fornarina:

This is what happens when Madonna cuts the placenta and virgin blood from her diet. She’d probably do a whole lot better just sticking to Atkins.

Because human souls aren’t high in carbs:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I don’t know what the hell she’s done to her face, but Kim Kardashian doesn’t even look human anymore. It’s like she’s a Moxie girl come horribly to life. Like Chucky, but with fake tits and lash extensions.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

It seems that some people were very offended when Black Eyed Peas bandleader Will.i.am joined Nicki Minaj onstage at the VMA’s pre-show last night with his face painted black. Will.i.am, you’ll note, is already black to begin with. Us Magazine says:

“Will.i.am. wearing blackface!? What a racist!” fakeart123 tweeted.

Adds TSCMoncton, “Anyone notice that Will.i.am painted himself in blackface? I sure hope there’s some kind of meaning behind a stunt like that.”

Blackface — which first gained popularity during the 19th century — typically promotes racist stereotypes toward African Americans.

In addition to his face paint, Will.i.am wore head-to-toe black (including a shiny hair piece in the shape of a side-mohawk).

“Will.i.am just sent us back 1,000 yrs… Really sir, #Blackface in front the grey ppl!” IAm_Danie wrote of his appearance.

Um, once again, Will.i.am is black. He is a BLACK. MAN. Seriously, am I taking crazy pills here? Has the whole goddamn world gone insane?

There were lots of celebrities doing the red carpet thing at the MTV Video Music Awards last night. Like “Twilight’s” Ashley Greene, who looked fantastic. She’s like some kind of sexy present in that dress. And speaking of sexy presents, my birthday is coming up, soooo… if any of you were wondering, this is exactly what I want. But I want the one with the real kung-fu grip. And also any cowgirl/sexy nurse accessories she might come with.

TONS more red carpet pics after the jump:

Katy Perry:

Ke$ha:

Lady Gaga:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

(more…)

Breakout your best firecrotch jokes — Lindsay Lohan has returned to her roots. The Daily Mail says:

Perhaps Lindsay Lohan wanted to wash the past few months right out of her hair.

This morning, the 24-year-old actress stepped out in Los Angeles sporting a brand new strawberry blonde hair do.

Her red hair complemented her green studded hoodie, black leggings and black boots as she visited a court house in the Santa Monica area of Los Angeles to undergo a mandatory drug test.

Seriously, does anybody really give a fuck what color Lindsay Lohan’s stupid hair is? So instead, enjoy this awesome video of some chick getting nailed in the face with a watermelon on “Amazing Race.” The only thing that would make it better is if it were Lindsay Lohan.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures