Summer’s almost over, and the summer supererogative will soon mercifully come to end. I can’t tell you how much fun it is drumming up something snarky to say about generic blond actresses that appear to all have been cloned from the same generic blond host and their toned-to-perfection bikini bodies and porcelain Hollywood smiles. It’s like trying to make fun of the number 7. Your average person would say it couldn’t be done. But as you well know, I’m not your average person. Those standardized test they made me take in elementary school actually proved I was “special.” Suck it, Ali Larter!

Ali with her boyfriend on the beach:

The first pictures Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline will go down as the most expensive celebrity baby photos in tabloid history — the pics of Brad and Angie’s newborn twins went for a record-setting $15 million dollars. The Daily Mail reports

After a fierce contest between the celebrity magazines, Hello! outbid its rival OK! magazine for the rights to the pictures, and even brought its publication date forward to August 4 to capitalize on the coup. The American rights to the pictures will go to People magazine, which also published the first images of their daughter Shiloh in 2006.

Although the first pictures of the twins are no longer up for grabs, I’d bet that the rights to the twins’ first solid stool is still available. Time pull out the bid paddles, tabloids! You can almost smell the ad revenues from here!

Skeletal Angie in stills from Wanted:

More slutty Miley Cyrus pictures hit the net over the weekend — these supposedly hacked from her cellphone and intended for Nick Jonas of the Jonas Brothers. Hannah Montana, now with more wet t-shirt and bare midriff action! Arrest record sold separately. According to Nine MSN

The supposed email hacker bragged that these were the most innocent of the photos he found, and that he would be selling the rest to the highest bidder.

“I have worse pictures than these,” he posted on the Digital Gangster forum, “and those are prob getting sold. I saw alot (sic) of juicy emails, but I never thought of saving them.. now I kick myself for not.. there where (sic) so many juicy emails that I read…”

“Juicy” ‘tween text messages? Sorry, but my panties don’t drop at the sight of multiple consonants in all capital letters. I’m an old-fashioned kinda girl. I like my slut talk long-winded and ripe with vowels, preferably in scrolling cursive on perfumed stationary. Also acceptable: extreme close-ups of your wiener. I guess it’s more of a generational thing, really.

On the beach in Malibu July 11th:

Boy, I’ve never seen a photo so befitting a well-timed Irish double-ax handle. Bam! Both fists, right to the ol’ beav. Only we’d call it something more interesting, like The Booty Whomp or The Marla Maples Big Show-Offy Slut Muskrat Maneuver. I’m definitely open to suggestions.

You might remember those incredibly unflattering pictures of Mischa Barton sunbathing in Australia that hit the net last month. The ones she claimed were photoshopped so the paparazzi could make more money off them. Curiously, Mischa was photographed plodding around New York on Friday with the very same set of legs that you saw in those pictures. Mischa defended herself, telling the The Daily Mail

“Photographers try to get the most unflattering shots. They know they are worth more money. Every woman has cellulite.”

I imagine she had more to say on the subject, but was cut short when an Indian in buttless chaps and glitter eyeshadow walked up and bitch-slapped her for stealing his vest. Oh no she didn’t!

May the great eagle spirit walk with you:

For a woman who claims she’s so over Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards sure seems desperate for details about his May 30th wedding to Brooke Mueller. MSNBC says

The former Mrs. Sheen personally phoned the OK! magazine offices for an advance copy of this week’s issue, which features Sheen’s wedding on the cover. “She was feverishly trying to get her hands on a copy. She wanted to prepare herself for what she was going to see on the newsstands,” said the source.

Richards did photo shoots with OK! both during and after her marriage to Sheen.

I thought the trailer for the new movie “The Women” really embodied the sad pathetic-ness of the whole situation. “The Women” is about four friends — Annette Bening, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Meg Ryan and Debra Messing — who band together when Meg’s husband is caught cheating with a perfume girl (Eva Mendes). It’s like they took the projected demographic for “Sex and the City” and then took away the sex, added twenty or so pounds, a bitter divorce, bunions, and an undying love for Oprah and all things jersey knit to equation. Factor in the numbers of screens in the mid-west and symbol π and you’ve got yourself a bonafide formula for “dumpy middle-aged divorce movie magic.” You can’t forget the π, though. It’s one of the most important mathematical constants. And also because lonely overweight divorcees really like pie. They get pretty angry when they don’t have it.

Famed southern writer Eudora Welty once wrote, “A good snapshot stops a moment from running away.” Except for in the case of Heather Locklear, where all it stops is your right hand from going anywhere near your penis.

Heather from a more flattering angle on the set of “Flirting With Forty:”

Miley Cyrus issued a statement apologizing for those suggestive MySpace pictures and for a photo shoot in next month’s Vanity Fair in which she appears to be topless. People Magazine quotes her as saying:

On Vanity Fair:

“I was so honored and thrilled to work with Annie [Leibovitz]. I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed.”

On the MySpace pictures:

“The pictures of me on the Internet were silly, inappropriate shots. I appreciate all the support of my fans, and hope they understand that along the way I am going to make mistakes and I am not perfect. I never intended for any of this to happen and I am truly sorry if I have disappointed anyone.

Most of all, I have let myself down. I will learn from my mistakes and trust my support team. My family and my faith will guide me through my life’s journey.”

The Disney Channel’s spin on it:

“Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines.”

And lastly, Vanity Fair’s take on it:

“Miley’s parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley. The photo suggests that she is [naked], but she is not. She is covered by a sheet, and beneath the sheet she is clothed.”

Originally, she was in a flesh-colored tank top but was asked to remove it.”

And MY take on it:

Jesus H. Christ. If we’re going to start arguing the hypersexualization of little girls, how ’bout we start with those god-awful Bratz dolls that every seven year old in pigtails seems to have? That Vanity Fair photo is no more provocative than a halter top, but this little yo-ho looks like she’s about to offer me a half and half plus Greek if I want to come up three o’clock. Those are awfully big words to have to explain to a second grader. Fortunately, pointing and lewd hand gestures still do the trick in Nepal. Sex sells, sweethearts!

UPDATE: Now with more hot daddy-on-daughter action!

There’s no denying it now — those Miley Cyrus MySpace pics that made the rounds on Monday are 100% real. But don’t think her publicist is going to be owning up to it anytime soon when there’s still a chance the public will buy the whole “imposter” theory. You know, like Miley has an evil twin intent on destroying her good name so she can bring down the Bradys and have Tad all to herself once and for all. According to NBC daytime, shit like that happens all the time. The AP reports

Less-than-wholesome photos of a girl bearing a close resemblance to the 15-year-old superstar are making the rounds on the Internet. [Photos] shows the Cyrus look-alike tugging at her white tank top to reveal a green bra [and] bare midriff while draped over a young male. This isn’t the first time risque photos of someone resembling Cyrus have circulated online.

The actress-singer’s publicists Jill Fritzo and Meghan Prophet didn’t return messages from The Associated Press seeking comment.

Fact: the girl in the photo above is wearing the same bra, nail polish, necklace, and bracelets that Miley was photographed wearing on March 19th, so either there’s a wormhole to a parallel dimension hidden somewhere in L.A., or else Disney and Dateline NBC are collaborating to make you a television star.

I’m pretty sure the only companies who crank out more sluts than the Disney Corporation these days are Vivid Entertainment and The Emperor’s Club. All Mickey Mouse is missing now is a gold cane and a fedora with one of those big long feathers.

The Daily Mail has pictures of Mena Suvari frolicking in the surf in another cheek-baring bikini this week. It begs the question “Does an ass this marvelous have magical powers?” I’m sure her bottom could grant wishes and maybe cure cancer if you just knew how to harness its power. For the record, burying your face in the crack and motorboating like you’re demon-possessed does not unlock its supernatural potential. Nor does getting a good running start with your spanking hand outstretched or putting her in a headlock and attempting to “play the bongos” while she thrashes around like a bluefish in a trolling net. Unless your one true wish happens to be a black eye and a restraining order, in which case, have at it, Slappy.

Recognize the chick on all fours tonguing the magazine laying on the ground? I didn’t think you would. The above photo is one of many less-than-demure shots of George Clooney’s girlfriend Sarah Larson, a “model” from Vegas, taken a month after they were first introduced. Star Magazine says

“She’s been described as having a successful runway and print modeling career. But until recently, her “modeling career” consisted mostly of being paid by promoters… to attend special events in sexy outfits and party with her wild girlfriends! Sarah… loves to drink. She likes to get wasted when she goes out.”

And therein lies the rub, ladies. Despite a man’s willingness to drop $29.95 and two hours on a Saturday watching footage of young coeds exposing their breasts and soaping each other up in front of an audience of intoxicated post-pubescent males, the response is decidedly less positive when said footage includes you. Especially if he is unaware said footage existed beforehand. Doubly especially if said footage may or may not have been filmed while he was holed up in your honeymoon suite with a case of the shits while you “went for a nature tour to Chichen Itza.” Trust me, “I was in college” and “Me no hablo ingles” will only work so many times before they start demanding paternity tests again.

More NSFW pictures here.