Look out, Heidi Fleiss — there’s a new pimp in town, and her name’s Jennifer Lopez! Our Jenny from the Block has reportedly scheduled her c-section around the weekly tabloids’ deadlines, ensuring she and her new babies land the front covers of all the gossip mags. Pimp hard, pimp harder! MSNBC reports

J.Lo will be receiving two special valentines: namely, her twin babies, who are [scheduled for delivery] on Thursday, Feb. 14. A source close to Lopez said Valentine’s Day is the date she’s been focused on since the beginning of her pregnancy. “She didn’t just like it because of the obvious correlation, which is sweet, but [because] it … would easily make the deadline for the weekly magazine covers.”

The source said that Lopez [wants] to have the first photo shoot in one of the three nurseries she’s had designed by Petit Tresor. “She spent over $120,000 on them,” said the source. All of them include cribs, changing tables and armoires imported from France and England, “some [with] 18 karat gold on the legs and knobs. The rooms will even have crystal chandeliers.”

The good thing about twins is there’s two of them, which means twice as many locks of hair and placentas and fingernail clippings to sell on eBay. But don’t think the pimpin’ stops after the birth. Oh, no. By the time they’re teenagers, J. Lo’s going to be drawing track marks on her son’s arms with an eyeliner pencil and stuffing a pillow up her daughter’s shirt and then pimping them out to highest bidder. “No, no, no — you gotta look pregnant! Now Marc, Jr., wait for the photographers to show and then put that cigarette out on your arm. Can you make yourself throw up? Dammit, hijitos, the tabloids don’t pay for pictures of straight-A students! You got to give ‘em some scandal! Did you remember to take off your panties, Princesa? Now go on, git! And make mama proud!” I’d say they’ve got a good twenty or so years before they’re of no use to mommy’s bank account.

Pimpa Licious at the Marchesa show on Wednesday: