You know the feeling you got when you you were forced to hug the middle-aged accounting partner of your father’s staggering around in a giant diaper and bonnet at 1986’s New Year’s Eve party? The feeling that compelled you to spend two hours in a scalding hot shower with a Bible and a Brillo pad in the fetal position? Well, relive your seven-year old nightmare all over again with these pictures of Pink in a polka-dot bikini and sun hat in Malibu over the weekend. It’s a disturbing melange of Anne Geddes and biker bar, Gerber and Jack Daniels, Huggies and Astroglide-primed anal fisting. I don’t know whether to find it a binky or light its cigar. It’s probably best to just throw rocks at it and wait until it stops moving before you get any closer.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The ass crack above belongs to Todd Morse of Juliette Lewis’ rock band non-fame and is clearly not a threat to Pink’s masculinity or melatonin production.

Long plagued by rumors of Carey Hart’s infidelity, it seems that singer Pink’s marriage is officially over. People Magazine says

The marriage of pop singer Pink and her husband of two years, motocross racer and former The Surreal Life star Carey Hart, has ended. “Pink and Carey Hart have separated. This decision was made by best friends with a huge amount of love and respect for one another. While the marriage is over, their friendship has never been stronger.”

The marriage was doomed from the start. To the best of my knowledge, Carey Hart has never had a vagina. And despite his best efforts to acquire it from other women while he was still married, he will never ever have a vagina. He was stuck with a penis, which, frankly, only serves to get in the way of having a vagina. I’m sure you can see how this union was destined for utter failure from the beginning.

Pink at Entertainment Weekly’s 50th Grammys after party last week: