I can’t imagine why “actress” Tori Spelling would admit to having had a boob job earlier this year. With a bust line that natural, you never would have never in a million years guessed that she’d undergone surgery. That’s sunset-on-the-Riviera kind of cleavage. Provided the sun were melting and the Riviera were made of silly putty and it was the mammary version of Kristallnacht, I mean. Perfection, thy name is Tori!

Ali Lohan raised some eyebrows Sunday night when she showed up to a Jonas Brothers concert with a brand new rack, a blossoming strangely reminiscent of the same miraculous three-cup-sizes-overnight big sis Lindsay had at the ripe old age of 17. Us Weekly says

The young star of Living Lohan flaunted what looked like overnight curves at a Jonas Brothers concert in East Hampton, NY on August 9. Just three months earlier, a flatter Lohan hit Fuse for a taping of The Sauce in NYC.

Lindsay is, of course, shocked and outraged by the plastic surgery accusations, writing on her MySpace

“WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…. Did you really just ask me about my [sister's implants]? She is a 14 year old girl, and you are a pedophile! My mother taught us to appreciate what we have been given. Nor would she ever encourage, or allow a 14 year old child to alter her body.”

The pedophile accusation brings up an interesting point of debate: are we, the internet masses, at fault for the hyper-sexualization of teenage celebrities, or are the ‘tween queens facilitating their own objectification? And — more importantly — should Dina Lohan be referred to as “pimp,” or “devil’s dark minion?” I’m only asking because I need to know how to address the Christmas card this year. For some reason, this month’s issue of “Barely Legal” doesn’t specify.

There’s something different about Jennifer Aniston these days. Can you guess what it is? Hint: it rhymes with nips. Coincidence? I think not. Palm Beach-based cosmetic dermatologist Kenneth Beer, M.D. tells Star Magazine

“There is definitely a difference in the volume and shape of [Jennifer Aniston's] lips. The two peaks of the upper portion of her lip underneath the nose look more prominent and well-defined. Also, the facial line on the right side of her smile is pretty much gone.”

With the surgically-enhanced lips, the shaved-down nose, and the anti-cellulite spa-sculpting treatments, Jennifer Aniston is well on her way to being a whole new woman. And once they finally perfect that pesky personality implant, she might actually be able to hold on to a man for more than fifteen minutes! I hear they’re really making amazing advances with science these days.

Jen’s new lips keep her company on the UCLA campus yesterday:

Madonna was photographed leaving a Kabbalah center in Manhattan on Friday looking like a Jocelyn Wildenstein cadaver. From the looks of her, Madonna was probably hatched underground by wasps. I’m guessing they used her face for target practice before abandoning her like the cruel velvet ants they are. Wasps are notorious that way. Really, when it comes to sticking around, the only thing worse than a wasp is maybe the black guy that knocked you up. Zing!

Here’s Lara Flynn Boyle leaving Mr. Chow Saturday night, and here’s Kathy Bates getting ready to take a sledgehammer to Santino Corleone’s ankles in the movie “Misery.” Bizarre parallel universe on a twenty-year time delay? Perhaps. Plastic surgery gone horribly wrong? More like it.

Paging Dr. Serrano:

Lindsay Lohan’s kid sister Ali really wants to be like her big sis. Although she’s only fourteen years old, Ali’s already gone under the knife, possibly on more than one occasion. Compare the above picture of her at the age of twelve and the picture of her taken two weeks ago. Sure, she’s still developing, but the way I remember it, hormones don’t make your lips bigger and your nose smaller. Nine MSN reports

Ali has made some big changes to her looks in an attempt to rival her older sister’s — her lips plumped with collagen, her freckles bleached away, and… contact lenses which change her brown eyes blue. There’s also been ongoing speculation that the teenager had a nose job last year.

If she wants to emulate Lindsay so badly, there are a lot less painful ways to do it. Replacing her toothbrush with a penis, for example. Switching from decaf to penis. Getting eight hours of penis a night. Instead of lip injections and a nose job, all Ali really needs is Fleet Week in New York and carton of Rough Riders.

One more before and after after the jump

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Dancing with the Stars’ Priscilla Presley’s gorgeous face is the work of one Dr. Daniel Serrano, but don’t go scrambling for a phone book just yet. Dr. Serrano is no longer practicing those “miracle injections that work better than Botox,” mostly because he’s not a real doctor and can’t practice from prison. Lucky for you, there’s still Guatemala and the coast of Brazil. According to TMZ

In fact, Serrano was injecting industrial, low-grade silicone similar to what’s used to lubricate auto parts in Argentina into the faces of these women. The injections caused lumps, paralysis and holes in the faces of some of the women he injected. As for Priscilla — who had no idea she was being injected with silicone — we’re told she’s undergoing corrective work.

Maybe it’s not all bad. So instead of getting “a face that could launch a thousand ships,” you’ve got “a face that could reduce premature wear on cylinders and pistons and keep your engine running smoothly for years to come.” Last time I checked, there wasn’t a Mrs. Goodwrench anywhere around!

I spent a little time this morning pondering some of the universe’s most difficult questions. How do we define existence without the constraints of linear time? Are quasars really at the large distances indicated by their redshifts, and if so, what about objects with discordant redshifts, like Stephan’s Quintet? How do we account for non-baryonic dark matter? Why am I face down in the front yard? Where are my pants? And — most importantly — what would you get if you crossed Lucy Liu with Joan Rivers? Thanks to the surgically-disfigured porn star Jenna Jameson, we never have to wonder about that last one again. My pants and the hyperspherical dimensions of space might take a little more time.

Joancy Liuvers at the “Never Back Down Premiere” Tuesday:

Can you figure out what’s wrong with this picture of Christina Aguilera? I’ll give you two guesses. Hint: it rhymes with “moobs.” Still nothing? Look again:

My superior logic tells me these are either implants encased in scar tissue or a pair of hydrocelphalic twin stowaways on the S.S. Frankentits. Bon voyage, mateys!

The mighty vessel docked at Club Villa on Sunday:

Nicole Kidman showed off a little more than just her baby bump at “The Golden Compass” premiere in Tokyo today. Have a look at those monstrous surgically enhanced lips of hers. Yikes. They’re like damn bloodworms or something. I just want to thread ‘em with a hook and go trolling for flounder or sprinkle them in my little sister’s hair while I videotape it.

Recent photos emerges that indicate the self-proclaimed “King of Pop” Michael Jackson may have undergone another bout of plastic surgery. Or else he papier-mâchéd his face as part of an elaborate piñata/haberdasher costume. It’s anybody’s guess, really. The New York Daily News says

Bandages covered the peculiar pop star’s chin and upper lip. Dark glasses, a babushka and a bucket hat hid the rest of his face - feeding speculation the surgically altered performer got nipped and tucked again. Thin-lipped and pale to the point of ghostly, Jackson’s [went] on a late-night shopping spree at a Barnes & Noble bookstore with his three kids, Prince, 10; Paris, 9, and 5-year-old Blanket. They arrived at 10:30 p.m. Sunday and stayed three hours before leaving with several crateloads of books and magazines.

And of course, armed with his trusty Havoc Staff and Panthor. From there he returned to Snake Mountain bellowing, “I am Master of the Universe! Yes! Kneel before your master! Fool! You are no longer my equal! I am more than man! More than life! I… am… a… GOD!!! Now. You… will... kneeeel! Kneeeel!” and then some maniacal laughing before his nose caved in on itself again.

The Daily Mail has pictures of Tara Reid poolside at the Palazzo Versace Hotel in Australia yesterday, and Christ Almighty are they terrifying. And that belly chain with the plastic beads she’s wearing? That’s a scar and a couple of bolts holding her disgusting frame together.

The American Pie star has a large scar around her entire waist and five screw-like pins bolted into her body. She has been also been left with a rippled and sagging stomach after [botched liposuction].

She looks like some kind of slutty Frankenstein brought to life. Like an evil scientist stitched together a couple of out-of-work porn stars and low-rent hookers and then set them on fire. Only she escaped his lair before he was finished and headed for the Australian coast to get tag-teamed and ejaculated on while a production crew films it. “Skank-enstein — the Erotic Tale of a Whore Brought to Life,” coming soon to an adult theater near you.