Amy Winehouse had her new tits on full display as she left the Hawley Arms in Camden last night — but there’s gonna be more where that came from. The Daily Mail says

Amy Winehouse spent £35,000 on a breast enlargement [and] boosted her bust from a 32B to a 32D, but she’s is now said to be hooked on surgery and planning another breast enlargement and even bum implants.

‘Amy loves her boobs,’ a source [said]. ‘She thinks by having another operation and bum implants that she will achieve her dream pin-up look.’

You’ve heard that expression “useless as tits on a boar?” What about “polishing a turd” or “lipstick on a pig?” I’d say all three apply here. Double for that turd one.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Megan Fox isn’t afraid to go under the knife (plastic surgery before and after here), and she’s not afraid to use one to hack at her arm, either. She told Rolling Stone

“Yeah, [I used to cut myself]. But I would never call myself a cutter. Girls go through different phases when they’re growing up, when they’re miserable and do different things, whether it’s an eating disorder or they dabble in cutting.

I’m really insecure. I never think I’m worthy of anything… I have a sick feeling of being mocked all the time. I have a lot of self-loathing. I am very vulnerable.”

Jesus jumped up Christ. What the hell is up with all these girls cutting themselves here lately? In my day, we didn’t saw at our wrists with steak knifes to ease the pain of insecurity and self-loathing — we gave blowjobs on the back of the bus and did anal under the bleachers like any respectable high school sophomore would do. Frankly, I’m a little disgusted with all this emo “hurting on the outside like I hurt on the inside” shit. A penis can do the same job, but without any of the ugly physical scars. Emotional scars are practically impossible to see!

Showing off her legs after a “Jennifer’s Body” press conference last month:

Notice anything different about the Jennifer Aniston on the right (taken just last week)? How about that cup and a half extra titty spilling out of the top of her dress? That’s not a fancy push-up bra — that’s the miracle of science. The injectable kind, to be exact. The Daily Mail says

Jennifer Aniston is sporting a curvier figure thanks to the new lunchtime boob jab.

The actress is rumoured to have had Macrolane injections and boosted her bra measurements by a whole cup size.

The procedure involves filler being injected into each breast and takes just half an hour. It is aimed at women who are a B or C cup and want fuller breasts.

“Lunchtime boob jab?” Hell, I get those anytime my husband gets off work before noon. It’s usually followed by a “lunchtime penis poke” and a “lunchtime ass smack” Somehow my results aren’t nearly as impressive as Jennifer Aniston’s. Maybe we’re just doing it wrong.

Various pics of her from 1999-2004 with decidedly smaller tits (and lips):

Jennifer Aniston blah blah blah zzzzzzzz blah blah Gerard Butler. According to the Daily Mail

“Jen and Gerry went out on Saturday night [and] had cocktails. They were hand in hand,” [said] a source.

The pair were pictured onset sharing a tender moment between takes as Gerard couldn’t keep his hands off the Friends star while she had her make-up reapplied.

The ‘lovey-dovey’ couple have [also] been seen stealing kisses in between scenes and are spending their free time in Jennifer’s trailer.

Holy shit. Did she just come in on a streetcar named Desire? She needs to take a page from Blanche DuBois and steer clear of direct sunlight. Hell, of anything more than a forty-watt bulb and a filter lens. And also any rough-neck Pollacks considering themselves a dismantler of social hierarchies and societal pretense. You know, just to be safe.

Filming The Bounty in NYC with Gerard and some pumped-up lips:

Ashlee Simpson showed up at the “Power of Leather” event in Times Square this week Botoxed beyond belief and with a lip full of Juvederm. One of the side effects of that much Botox is the unfortunate “drooping eyes,” (example here), and Ashlee’s got it bad. She needs to be careful with that stuff. I bet it’s hard to lipsync convincingly when you can’t move a muscle in your face.

With husband Pete Wentz:

PHOTO CREDIT: Star Magazine

There’s something different about Hilary Duff’s younger sister Haylie, but I just can’t put my finger on it. Or in it, as it were. According to Star Magazine

“Haylie had her nose done,” New York City–based plastic surgeon Dr. Thomas P. Sterry [says], explaining that Haylie’s nose has been shortened, angled upward and rounded off.

“They [also] made her chin smaller by chipping away at the bone,” he adds.

Haylie’s altered appearance [cost] an estimated $20,000.

I was always under the impression that Haylie would be just as pretty as Hilary if she didn’t have that awful beak and Jay Leno chin, but clearly, this is not the case. Now she just looks like the product of a bestial affair between Heidi Fleiss and Mr. Ed.

Before nose job pictures:

After nose job pictures:

^{PHOTO CREDIT: Nine MSN}

Lisa Rinna went on the Today Show yesterday to plug her new book “Rinnavation,” and naturally the talk turned to her comically oversized lips. She said:

“I went out and had silicone put in my top lip 23 years ago. Period, end of story. I had a small top lip, my girlfriend and I went and did it together [after seeing Barbara Hershey in "Beaches,"]… but what happens is, after years and years, you form some scar tissue.

But I like [them]! I’ve always been okay with [them]. I’ve always felt good about [them].”

She might have said she was going for the “Barbara Hershey” look, but it’s pretty obvious her doctor heard the (NSFW) “bulging hemorrhoid” look. It’s an easy mistake to make. That’s why you never want to talk to your plastic surgeon with a mouth full of saltwater taffy from a distance of 50 paces.

No, that’s not a pair of evil banshees on a baby-harvesting mission– that’s Nicole Kidman and What Nicole Kidman Might Look Like Without All The Botox And Plastic Surgery, or “Antonia” as the rest of the family calls her for short. She is Nicole’s three-years younger sister, who if you believe a word out of Nicole’s mouth must have spent the last decade of her life in a food dehydrator. Nicole told the Daily Mail

“I’ll never have Botox. I’ve always been against that and seeing Botox on TV with all the swelling and pain put me off it anyway. The directors always allow actors with Botox but I just say. ‘No way, not for me.’

Drinking lots of water, eating fruit and doing yoga is what keeps me looking young naturally. I swear by it. I also use creams with natural ingredients to make wrinkles less visible. Everybody should try these things rather than going the plastic route, which I just hate.”

I believe the scientific term we’re looking for here is “liar, liar pants on fire.” I’m sure Nicole would be raising her eyebrows in vehement protest right now if her glabellar muscles weren’t packed full of botulinum poison.

Antonia at the ASTRA Awards in Sydney last night:

You might remember 49-year old actor Rupert Everett from such challenging roles as “Stuffy British Fop” and “Token Gay Guy” in the cinematic masterpieces “Dunston Checks In” and “My Best Friend’s Wedding,” but I doubt you’d recognize him now that he’s butchered his face. According Star Magazine

“… Rupert had a face-lift,” [the founder of the Premier Plastic Surgery Center of New Jersey] said. “His cheeks are fuller and lifted, and his jawline and neck are pulled back and smoother.”

As for his forehead, it’s… Botox. “He’s definitely using it. He is very animated, and there are no lines visible on his forehead.”

The last element in Rupert’s new look — a chin implant! “The shape and projection of the chin is drastically different. It’s much more pointed.”

He must have told his surgeon, “I’m thinking ‘Madame Tussaud’s,’ but with more of a dead-eyed creepy factor.” This has to be most terrifying case of gayface I’ve ever seen.

Before the face-lift:

Either Eminem hired Mariah Carey’s retoucher, or else someone accidentally microwaved his face in a Tupperware container. I haven’t seen that much tucking since The RuPaul Show debuted on VH1.

Lindsay Lohan had a pretty low-key weekend, first having a warrant issued for her arrest for violating her probation on Friday, then partying until four in the morning and fucking a famous octogenarian on Saturday, and finally coming home Sunday morning to destroy property during a lovers’ quarrels with girlfriend Samantha Ronson. People Magazine says of Friday’s events:

Lindsay Lohan’s attorney says [the arrest warrant] stemming from [Lindsay's] 2007 DUI conviction was “born out of a misunderstanding which I am confident I can clear up next week.”

And of Saturday:

Lohan’s latest legal woe followed a night of partying that included a bizarre late-night visit to the Hollywood home of actor Jack Nicholson. Around 1:45 a.m., Lohan showed up outside actor Nicholson’s house on Mulholland Drive. The group was eventually let in, and Lohan remained inside until a bodyguard picked her up about 4:30 a.m.

And of Sunday:

Lohan’s bodyguard then brought her to Sam Ronson’s house, where Ronson showed up at around 11:30 a.m. Later in the day, a loud disturbance was heard at the house, including the breaking [of a] window. Police cars arrived at the house shortly afterward.

The only true crime in all this is whatever the hell Lindsay did to her lips. Either Sam Ronson punched her square in the mouth during the fight, or Lindsday Loan got an upper lip full of Juvederm. Or maybe eating Sam Ronson’s puss is the equivalent of locking lips with a car battery. How the hell should I know. What am I, psychic?

You know how in the beginning of Men In Black the hick farmer Edgar get eaten by that giant alien bug, who then conceals himself by wearing his skin, or “Edgar Suit”, as Will Smith’s character called it? That’s totally what I think of when I see Mickey Rourke these days. I mean, granted, I lot of time has passed since he looked like this, but this transcends the passage of time. I don’t believe it’s the same human being. I vote for the Mickey Suit!

Here he is with his ackward choice of a dog, Loki.