You’ll remember Bo Derek’s braids and bathing suit from the iconic movie “Ten.” And now here’s the Courtney Stodden version, “Maybe a Six in Bar Lighting.”

Seeing pictures of Lindsay Lohan always makes me wanna take a shower. You feel nasty just looking at her. Between the indiscriminate patches of self-tanner and the coke sweat, she always looks greasy and dirty and like she should be crawling out of a frat house at 4:30 in the morning with a condom stuck to her shoe and barf in her hair. And then there’s the makeup. Dear God, the makeup. The only thing she did right was covering up that cold sore with lipstick.

At the A&E Networks 2012 Upfront in New York last night:

There was something different about 32-year-old Rosario Dawson at the 98th Annual White House Correspondents Association dinner this weekend, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Mostly because putting a finger on it would have violated the restraining order and ergo the terms of my probation, and God knows I can’t afford another strike. It’s not like I live in Los Angeles or have the last name “Lohan.” Radar Online’s plastic surgeon-on-tap Dr. Anthony Youn says:

“Comicon hottie Rosario Dawson appears to have grown super heroine-sized breasts. Her chest size looks like it’s gone from a B to a D, likely from a set of large breast implants…. if her surgery was recent, it’s possible her breasts will settle down a bit.”

Any doctor who prefaces his professional medical opinion with the words “Comicon hottie” deserves to be taken out back and flogged with his own medical degree. I just assume it’s printed on bamboo and held together with clay and twine and other equally valuable third-world-island commodities gathered near his alma mater.

43-year-old actress Ashley Judd wrote an article for The Daily Beast claiming that she was unduly maligned by plastic surgery allegations after she showed up on the red carpet with cheeks three times their normal size earlier this month. She claims that her puffy face was a side effect of steroids she was prescribed for a sinus infection, but that’s besides the point anyway, because you were just playing right into the misogynistic patriarchal cultural conspiracy that manipulates our current social mores. The Daily Mail says:

She said [in the article]: ‘I choose to address [the plastic surgery allegations] because the conversation was pointedly nasty, gendered, and misogynistic and embodies what all girls and women in our culture, to a greater or lesser degree, endure every day, in ways both outrageous and subtle.

The assault on our body image… and subsequent degradation of our sexuality and the general incessant objectification is what this conversation allegedly about my face is really about.

When my 2012 face looks different than it did when I filmed Double Jeopardy in 1998, I am accused of having ‘messed up’ my face (polite language here, the F word is being used more often). The most disturbing comments about [my] appearance were made by women… that women are joining in the ongoing disassembling of my appearance is salient.

Patriarchy is not men. Patriarchy is a system in which both women and men participate. It privileges… the interests of boys and men over the bodily integrity, autonomy, and dignity of girls and women.

It is subtle, insidious, and never more dangerous than when women passionately deny that they themselves are engaging in it… unless there is a change in attitude women will continue to be analyzed and suffer brutal criticism.”

As a woman, let me be the first to point out that my entire career is hinged on the misogynistic patriarchal cultural conspiracy. It was the misogynistic patriarchal cultural conspiracy that paid off my student loans in six months. Misogynistic patriarchal cultural conspiracy got me an A in Calculus. And all my drinks last night. Let’s not pretend it doesn’t help as much as it hurts, ladies. I join in the bashing not because I want to hyper-sexualize or degrade, but because it makes me feel better about myself when I point out the flaws in others.

At the premiere of her new show “Missing”:

Strange, I never knew you could actually work out ass implants. I figured when you got them, your anus was converted to act as the air valve, and a few pumps with the bicycle pump would perk up you right up. Well, I suppose a bike pump in your ass would perk anyone up, but that’s beside the point.

Perez Hilton celebrated his 34th birthday with a Mad Hatter-themed party at Siren Studios in Hollywood, meaning yet again he’s managed to make it another year without being beaten to death with a tire iron. The party was a real who’s who of D-listers and reality-show-stars-whose-names-nobody-remembers because-they’re-from-six-seasons-ago, and of course no
D-list/reality show simpleton party is complete without a retired porn star on the scene. Unfortunately, no retired porn stars ever showed up. All I could find were these pics of Lucy Liu in a busted wig doing a wicked Lindsay Lohan impression.

Jenna Jameson on the red carpet:

There’s only one reason for back-to-back Jersey Shore posts, and that reason is because I hate you. At least this post has more than just one boob in it.

29-year-old Nicki Minaj wore a neon pink bikini and rolled around in the sand like a pig on a spit in Hawaii today, where she’s currently filming the video for her new song “Starships.” The great thing about wearing bikini bottoms that enormous is that you can always use them to go parasailing once you’re all done swimming. Form and function, my friends!

43-year-old Ashely Judd appeared to have inflated her face with a bicycle pump before she went on the Marilyn Denis Show to promote her new TV show “Missing” in Toronto this week. Unless she went into her aesthetician’s office with a picture of a Sealy Posturepedic pillow-top mattress and said, “Here, make me look like this,” then her doctor seriously fucked up her face.

43-year-old Jennifer Aniston looks the way she does because she spends nearly a hundred grand a year on lotions made with crystals harvested from Mars (no, really) and narwhal placenta facials (ok, that one I made up). The Daily Mail says:

On skincare alone, [Aniston] is estimated to invest in the region of $2000 monthly.

One neck ointment she uses, by beauty brand Euoko, is allegedly made with crystals from the planet Mars and costs $450. She regularly splurges on Tracie Martyn Spa Red Carpet Facials that cost over $500.

She makes sure she stays young and wrinkle free with Mila Moursi Rejuvinating Serum for $350.

Her private yoga sessions with Mandy Ingber set her back nearly $900 a week… [and her personal] dietician’s consultation fees and home delivery service total around $680 a week.

Jennifer Aniston’s insecurity is legendary, but putting an $8,000-a-month price tag on it really makes her look like a narcissist. I’m pretty sure that’s more than the gross national income of Burundi, Botswana and Kyrgyzstan combined. If she really wanted to make Angelina Jolie jealous, she should just buy one of those aforementioned countries off the Russian black market. Then she’s have a whole tribe of indigent black orphans to Angelina’s one lone black kid.

Getting the star the bought and paid herself for on the Hollywood Walk of Fame last month:

31-year-old Kim Kardashian must think all her fans are either severely myopic or using a Commodore 128, because she put this shameless attention-whoring photo of herself in a sports bra on her Twitter with the following caption:

‘Sweatpants hair tie chillin with no make up on!’

Which, as you can obviously see, is a damn dirty lie. I’ve seen Kim Kardashian without makeup, and it doesn’t look like that. It looks like this. Think “Armenian Eddie Munster” and you’ve just about got it right.

With Miley Cyrus at the Elton John AIDS charity gala something or other this week:

If there’s one thing we never have to worry about, it’s that Megan Fox doesn’t have enough foundation. Or dermal fillers. Or telescoping vertebrae in her neck.