Ashlee Simpson showed up at the “Power of Leather” event in Times Square this week Botoxed beyond belief and with a lip full of Juvederm. One of the side effects of that much Botox is the unfortunate “drooping eyes,” (example here), and Ashlee’s got it bad. She needs to be careful with that stuff. I bet it’s hard to lipsync convincingly when you can’t move a muscle in your face.

With husband Pete Wentz:

PHOTO CREDIT: Star Magazine

There’s something different about Hilary Duff’s younger sister Haylie, but I just can’t put my finger on it. Or in it, as it were. According to Star Magazine

“Haylie had her nose done,” New York City–based plastic surgeon Dr. Thomas P. Sterry [says], explaining that Haylie’s nose has been shortened, angled upward and rounded off.

“They [also] made her chin smaller by chipping away at the bone,” he adds.

Haylie’s altered appearance [cost] an estimated $20,000.

I was always under the impression that Haylie would be just as pretty as Hilary if she didn’t have that awful beak and Jay Leno chin, but clearly, this is not the case. Now she just looks like the product of a bestial affair between Heidi Fleiss and Mr. Ed.

Before nose job pictures:

After nose job pictures:

^{PHOTO CREDIT: Nine MSN}

Lisa Rinna went on the Today Show yesterday to plug her new book “Rinnavation,” and naturally the talk turned to her comically oversized lips. She said:

“I went out and had silicone put in my top lip 23 years ago. Period, end of story. I had a small top lip, my girlfriend and I went and did it together [after seeing Barbara Hershey in "Beaches,"]… but what happens is, after years and years, you form some scar tissue.

But I like [them]! I’ve always been okay with [them]. I’ve always felt good about [them].”

She might have said she was going for the “Barbara Hershey” look, but it’s pretty obvious her doctor heard the (NSFW) “bulging hemorrhoid” look. It’s an easy mistake to make. That’s why you never want to talk to your plastic surgeon with a mouth full of saltwater taffy from a distance of 50 paces.

No, that’s not a pair of evil banshees on a baby-harvesting mission– that’s Nicole Kidman and What Nicole Kidman Might Look Like Without All The Botox And Plastic Surgery, or “Antonia” as the rest of the family calls her for short. She is Nicole’s three-years younger sister, who if you believe a word out of Nicole’s mouth must have spent the last decade of her life in a food dehydrator. Nicole told the Daily Mail

“I’ll never have Botox. I’ve always been against that and seeing Botox on TV with all the swelling and pain put me off it anyway. The directors always allow actors with Botox but I just say. ‘No way, not for me.’

Drinking lots of water, eating fruit and doing yoga is what keeps me looking young naturally. I swear by it. I also use creams with natural ingredients to make wrinkles less visible. Everybody should try these things rather than going the plastic route, which I just hate.”

I believe the scientific term we’re looking for here is “liar, liar pants on fire.” I’m sure Nicole would be raising her eyebrows in vehement protest right now if her glabellar muscles weren’t packed full of botulinum poison.

Antonia at the ASTRA Awards in Sydney last night:

You might remember 49-year old actor Rupert Everett from such challenging roles as “Stuffy British Fop” and “Token Gay Guy” in the cinematic masterpieces “Dunston Checks In” and “My Best Friend’s Wedding,” but I doubt you’d recognize him now that he’s butchered his face. According Star Magazine

“… Rupert had a face-lift,” [the founder of the Premier Plastic Surgery Center of New Jersey] said. “His cheeks are fuller and lifted, and his jawline and neck are pulled back and smoother.”

As for his forehead, it’s… Botox. “He’s definitely using it. He is very animated, and there are no lines visible on his forehead.”

The last element in Rupert’s new look — a chin implant! “The shape and projection of the chin is drastically different. It’s much more pointed.”

He must have told his surgeon, “I’m thinking ‘Madame Tussaud’s,’ but with more of a dead-eyed creepy factor.” This has to be most terrifying case of gayface I’ve ever seen.

Before the face-lift:

Either Eminem hired Mariah Carey’s retoucher, or else someone accidentally microwaved his face in a Tupperware container. I haven’t seen that much tucking since The RuPaul Show debuted on VH1.

Lindsay Lohan had a pretty low-key weekend, first having a warrant issued for her arrest for violating her probation on Friday, then partying until four in the morning and fucking a famous octogenarian on Saturday, and finally coming home Sunday morning to destroy property during a lovers’ quarrels with girlfriend Samantha Ronson. People Magazine says of Friday’s events:

Lindsay Lohan’s attorney says [the arrest warrant] stemming from [Lindsay's] 2007 DUI conviction was “born out of a misunderstanding which I am confident I can clear up next week.”

And of Saturday:

Lohan’s latest legal woe followed a night of partying that included a bizarre late-night visit to the Hollywood home of actor Jack Nicholson. Around 1:45 a.m., Lohan showed up outside actor Nicholson’s house on Mulholland Drive. The group was eventually let in, and Lohan remained inside until a bodyguard picked her up about 4:30 a.m.

And of Sunday:

Lohan’s bodyguard then brought her to Sam Ronson’s house, where Ronson showed up at around 11:30 a.m. Later in the day, a loud disturbance was heard at the house, including the breaking [of a] window. Police cars arrived at the house shortly afterward.

The only true crime in all this is whatever the hell Lindsay did to her lips. Either Sam Ronson punched her square in the mouth during the fight, or Lindsday Loan got an upper lip full of Juvederm. Or maybe eating Sam Ronson’s puss is the equivalent of locking lips with a car battery. How the hell should I know. What am I, psychic?

You know how in the beginning of Men In Black the hick farmer Edgar get eaten by that giant alien bug, who then conceals himself by wearing his skin, or “Edgar Suit”, as Will Smith’s character called it? That’s totally what I think of when I see Mickey Rourke these days. I mean, granted, I lot of time has passed since he looked like this, but this transcends the passage of time. I don’t believe it’s the same human being. I vote for the Mickey Suit!

Here he is with his ackward choice of a dog, Loki.

Mickey Rourke strikes me as the kind of guy who bypasses the shower for those all-purpose body wipes so popular with hobos and truck stop hookers. Nothing about that man looks clean. And I bet you’re wondering, “What the hell is wrong with his damn face?” Well, it appears that he had laces sewn into the back of his scalp. You just pull those strings taut and voilà — the ol’ mug is tighter than a drum! And besides, scalp-laces are really the only logical explanation for his hair. No person in their right mind would put their fingers in there. Ten bucks says that ain’t Brylcreem, boys and girls. I’d rather stick my hand in a shark’s mouth.

With the lovely Maggie Grace at The Wrestler premiere:

Maggie Grace:

There are a lot of things you shouldn’t do in the first trimester when you’re pregnant. Smoking, for example. Soft cheeses. And — of course — major invasive body-sculpting plastic surgery. Too bad nobody told Jamie Lynn Spears. Star Magazine says

Jamie Lynn had just finished Zoey 101 when she found the weight piling on. “She didn’t know she was pregnant when she filled out the health questionnaire prior to the procedure,” a source reveals. “Her mom approved the injections and went through tons of red tape to get the clinic to administer them to an underage patient.”

Moms-to-be are advised against the procedure. “Liposuction is dangerous and should not be performed on a pregnant woman,” plastic surgeon Dr. Gary Burton tells Star. “It poses serious health risks to the fetus.”

Early-pregnancy liposuction still can’t be as serious a risk to a baby as “being born a Spears.” That’s practically a fate worse than death. I could put a baby in a hay baler with nothing but a box of raisins and some matches and it’d still have a better chance at turning out normal than little Maddie. It just might end up square and smelling of alfalfa and horse spit.

Out in L.A. last month:

Lisa Rinna is going to let you in on a little secret — those aren’t her real lips! Who know? Her secret: injectable Juvéderm. Gallons of it. She tells In Touch Weekly

“We all know everyone does it! We go on Jenny Craig and do all these things to change ourselves, so why can’t we get a little filler?”

But while a little is one thing, Lisa admits she recently overdid it. “I saw a picture of myself and thought, ‘Uh-oh,’” admits Lisa. “You have to be careful. I’m a perfect example of that!”

She thought, “uh-oh?” What the hell is that? “Uh-oh” is what you say when a four year-old spills his milk in the floor. “Uh-oh” is what you say when your shoe comes untied. “Uh-oh” is NOT what you say when you realize you’ve mangled your once-beautiful face and turned your mouth into a greasy pulsating hemorrhoid that talks. What she should have said is “Oh, God, NOOOOOOOO!” before smashing every mirror in the house and using the broken pieces to hack away at her sausage lips in front of her terrified children and housekeeper. You gotta make it mean something, Lisa. Otherwise, people will never understand the dangers of Juvederm addiction.

In a bikini, because it helps distract from her lips:

Has-been Tara Reid showed off her stunning physique in a metallic bikini in Miami over the weekend. And I mean “stunning” here in the most sarcastic way possible. Really, I could probably fashion a less disgusting set of thighs using nothing but warped VCR tapes and globs of partially-coagulated butterscotch pudding.