Big, important news today — former Playmate of the Year Jenny McCarthy will be putting her puss back on display for the jerk-off mag that made her a household name back in the nineties. That ought to cure her kid’s autism right there. Star Pulse says:

Jenny McCarthy is baring all again for Playboy one more time as she prepares to celebrate her 40th birthday in November.

The model and actress kicked off her career with a Playboy pictorial in 1993 and went on to become that year’s Playmate of the Year. She has returned for spreads in the men’s magazine over the years and… will now appear naked in the July 2012 issue of the magazine.

Playboy is so damn heavy-handed with the airbrushing that the only way you’ll be able to distinguish whether the naked pictures you’re looking at are of Jenny McCarthy at age 24 or Jenny McCarthy at age 40 is by the amount of pubic hair she’s sporting. She’s got enough growth in the ’93 pictures to actually cast a pubic hair shadow. So the more hair you see, the younger she is in the photo. It’s sorta like counting rings on a tree, except way sexier.

Obviously NSFW old Playboy pics here + more pics of her at Upfronts after the jump:

(more…)

2011′s Playmate of the Year Claire Sinclair claims the above bruises were inflicted by Hugh Hefner’s son Marston after a “violent rampage” over the weekend. TMZ says:

21-year-old Marston Hefner was arrested Sunday night after allegedly kicking and punching Sinclair during an argument in their Pasadena, CA apartment.

Now, 20-year-old Sinclair [claims] the Playboy heir has physically abused her on SEVERAL OCCASIONS … but she’s still willing to forgive the guy, [saying], “I will not press charges against Marston Hefner if he keeps his word to give a public apology for physically abusing me on several occasions, and seeks psychiatric help for his anger issues.”

Just to be thorough, I thought it best that we revisit these nude pics of Claire Sinclair for any signs of domestic abuse that the cops might have missed. I didn’t get my Junior Detective’s badge by not asking questions. It was my proactive approach and can-do attitude.

Seems like that Playboy debacle wasn’t a total bust for Lindsay Lohan, since she also managed to get a deal hawking jeans out of it too (read: she blew the photographer). OK! Magazine elaborates,

After her Playboy spread, she inked a deal with Jag Jeans! Here’s the connection: Yu Tsai, the photog who took the skin photos also shot the jeans campaign, as reported by E! News.

In a press release, Yu indicated, “Lindsay did not disappoint.” The release continued, “As Jag Jeans’ newest endorser, Lindsay embodies the strength and fearlessness of the women of today. She is unafraid to be who she is. She is fierce yet exudes feminine grace.”

From the sounds of it, Lindsay was involved in the shoot that she “would go as far as adjusting items on the set. She even requested scissors so she could personally fray the edges of her black crepe blouse because she believed it would look better that way.”

She embodies women today? Well, she might embody a certain type of woman, but that type of woman has more pressing matters than buying or even wearing pants, like where her next hit is going to come from, or who her next anonymous sexual encounter is going to be. Doi.

Turns out big fake freckle tits with weird melanin-less nipples aren’t this season’s must-have Christmas gift, because nobody’s buying the Lindsay Lohan issue of Playboy since it hit newsstands on Friday. Fox News says:

Not many consumers are paying for [the Lindsay Lohan Playboy] experience. In fact, interest seems low in seeing Lohan’s intensely air-brushed impersonation of Marilyn Monroe in glossy print.

Fox411 spent Friday morning trolling the shelves of newsstands and gas stations from New York to Philadelphia only to be confronted with the same reality at each: no one staring back or making a purchase.

“No one has bought it,” was the resounding answer to our query at each stop.

The problem with Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy spread was not that it leaked a week early or that she failed to uphold her contractual obligation to promote the issue. Not at all. The problem with Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy shoot is that Lindsay Lohan is not Kate Beckinsale. That was really Hugh Hefner’s first mistake right there. I guess that’s what they mean when they say hindsight’s 20/20.

Kate in the January issue of Elle Russia:

What, Lindsay Lohan, unprofessional? This is the first I’m ever hearing of this. Us Magazine says:

Playboy’s newest cover girl Lindsay Lohan has canceled an upcoming promotional appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres Show that was scheduled to tape on December 13.

Currently on vacation in Hawaii, the 25-year-old actress missed her flight back to Los Angeles, a show rep confirms.

Never mind that that Russian hacker leaking her cover has already cost Playboy thousands and forced Hefner to move newsstand sales up a week early. Never mind that she was contractually obligated to do the interview. It posed a slight inconvenience to her. And since 9/11, nobody will hold a fucking plane for anybody anymore. I think we can all agree, her hands were really tied here.

Arriving to court today:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

An unretouched photo of Lindsay Lohan at her Playboy photoshoot hit the interwebs this weekend, clearly reinforcing my belief that everything in Playboy is really ninety percent photoshop wizardry. And speaking of wizards, Lindsay Lohan is a fucking dumbass. Case in point (via TMZ):

Lindsay Lohan’s purse [containing her] passport, important probation docs, and [ten thousand dollars in] cash was stolen last night from a Hawaii house party.

One of her friend’s eyed a suspicious-looking local, and asked if he knew where the bag was. The local denied everything, but showed up with the bag minutes later… claiming he found it on the street.

Lindsay was so ecstatic to have the bag back, she didn’t bother asking questions — despite the missing $10,000.

Who other than drug dealers carries ten thousand dollars on their fucking person? I was gonna say “who other than black people carries ten thousand dollars on their fucking person,” but I thought that sounded racist. So I went with “drug dealers” because that covers that base without me actually having to say it. You’re the racist for thinking it.

You’d think anyone would be smart to the fact that it’s never a good idea to pin high hopes on Lindsay Lohan–that is, unless you’re waging on her being drunk, stoned, or late. Then yeah, go for it. Playboy apparently didn’t get the memo and are freaking out now that their cover of Lindsay got leaked yesterday. Technically that’s not Lindsay’s fault, but the girl is bad news. TMZ says,

Lindsay Lohan’s highly classified Playboy photo shoot leaked to the Internet this morning — one week before the issues was set to hit newsstands — and TMZ has learned Playboy honchos are “freaking out.”

First off — the pics aren’t bad … it’s a Marilyn Monroe thing … and it works.

Playboy sources tell us … there are fears the leak could significantly damage sales of the magazine … which is expected to be the best seller of the year.

The shoot was a massive investment for Playboy — the mag shelled out nearly $1 million to Lohan for the spread and we’re told the company has printed thousands of extra copies in anticipation of a sales boom.

Is there really that high of a demand to see an alcoholic coke head topless? Shit, all I have to do is drive downtown Saturday morning and there’s bound to be one passed out in the gutter. I don’t have to pay for a magazine, and there’s the added bonus of getting a um, more tactile experience. Playboy doesn’t have honkable boobs, now do they? Bingo.

*UPDATE* Check out the spread here

Here’s something you won’t see downtown in the gutter: Diane Kruger sideboob!

Lindsay Lohan’s big Playboy cover reveal on next Thursday’s Ellen probably won’t be as big a deal now that it leaked online yesterday and everybody’s already seen it. And also because it’s really fucking lame. The Daily Mail says:

[On the cover], the 25-year-old actress is seen straddling a Playboy bunny shaped chair which manages to cover her modesty, but reveals the curve of her breasts.

Wearing just a pair of black high heels, Lindsay has her hair in big blonde curls falling around her shoulders, and she is seen pouting into the camera with bright red lips, matching her seat and the curtains in the backdrop.

Well, of course Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy cover leaks. It probably has a foul-smelling discharge, too. If you want the authentic Lindsay Lohan experience, Hugh made sure to cover all your bases.

Lindsay Lohan has a whole week to turn herself in before she begins her jail time for violating her probation, which works out nice because Hugh Hefner called a mulligan on her first Playboy shoot and she has to do it again. E! News says:

A source confirms that LiLo will be dropping trou — though not her delicates — for another soft-focus shoot with the mag, her second attempt at a sexy spread after Hugh Hefner’s ever discerning eye was apparently not overly pleased with the results of her first session, which took place at the Playboy Mansion last week.

The camera sitting is set to take place [today], and the source says that Hef has still not fully decided on the creative aspects of the shoot, but has brought in a new photographer for the do-over.

However, while the photographer and possible theme may be changing, one very important detail is remaining the same: Lindsay will not be going fully naked for tomorrow’s shoot, which will again be “tastefully” done.

Despite the redo, the photos are still scheduled to run in Playboy’s January issue, provided the actress is not in jail at the time the magazine goes to print.

Her first shoot was supposedly full frontal, which means Hugh got a good look at her vagina and said “Hell, no.” Playboy’s passing on her puss. I guess no amount of Vaseline on the lens could salvage a herpes flare-up or a labial boil or two.

It’s pretty obvious that former “Girl Next Door” Bridget Marquadt isn’t gonna bow out of the whore game gracefully anytime soon, even though she’s pushing 40. She’s gonna be one of those who has to be dragged away kicking and screaming and clawing for her lucite heels and rhinestone g-strings, hollering about how sexy a cougar she is. Of Mice and Men style is really the only merciful way to go here. Tell me about the pasties, George!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Now that she’s pocketed a million bucks for posing for Playboy, Lindsay Lohan has yet another million dollar offer on the table from a sex toy company who wants to cast her vagina in latex. And you said nobody would ever hire her again. Never underestimate the pocket puss demographic! TMZ says:

The honchos from an adult entertainment company called FleshLight [are] hoping to seal a deal with the actress which would allow the company to take a mold of LiLo’s lady parts to produce “authentic” Lindsay Lohan sex toys.

Shockingly, the practice of genital molding is not that uncommon in the world of adult entertainment … loads of XXX actresses — including Jesse Jane and “Nailin’ Palin” star Lisa Ann — have copied their private parts for sex toys.

Or you could just boil a couple of lasagna noodles, fold them over on themselves, then pack them full of Silly Putty and let it bake on a car dashboard in the sun for six days. Voila! It’s just like Lindsay Lohan’s puss. Make sure you douse the whole thing in Tabasco sauce first for that authentic Lohan after-burn!

Hollywood skidmark Lindsay Lohan spent the weekend doing a nude photo shoot for Playboy magazine to the tune of nearly one million dollars. I think it’s fairly apparent that Hugh Hefner is completely fucking senile at this point. TMZ says:

Sources tell us the deal has been in the works for months, and that Lindsay balked at an initial $750K offer because she wanted ONE MILLION dollars to show the world what her momma gave her.

We’re told Hugh Hefner and Co. recently came back to Lindsay with an offer less than her asking price but close enough for her to sign on the dotted line. No word yet on which issue Linds will be featured in, but it’s a good bet she’ll be on the cover.

According to sources, the shoot started over the weekend.

Lindsay’s rep said, “I can neither confirm or deny at this time.”

Hey, you know which other washed-up child actress did Playboy right before she died of a drug overdose? Dana Plato. Let’s hope that wasn’t just a coincidence.