Because dumping Hugh Hefner just 36 hours before the wedding wasn’t humiliating enough, Playboy’s own runaway bride Crystal Harris went on The Howard Stern Show yesterday to tell everyone he sucked in bed, too. The Daily Mail says:

Harris said sex with the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted “like two seconds.”

She added: “Then I was just over it. I was like, ‘Ahhh.’ I was over it. I just like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef. Sorry.”

She dealt a further blow to the ladies man’s reputation when she revealed they had only been intimate once.

She said: “He doesn’t really take off his clothes. I’ve never seen Hef naked.”

And he was going to marry this bitch. Unbelievable. She completely and utterly humiliated him. There could be pictures of him being spoon-fed creamed corn in an adult diaper with his pants around his knees and he still would seem like less of a doddering old fool than he does right now.

Whoring her whore self in Vegas:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I wonder if Hugh Hefner signed Kristina and Karissa Shannon’s yearbook before he made them suck his old man balls. Check, please!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Charlie Sheen’s former goddess Bree Olsen (aka Rachel Oberlin) has a ten-page spread in the August issue of Playboy magazine, which seems like a colossal waste of paper if you ask me. She’s got 250 pornos under her belt, for Chrissakes. There’s nothing in that magazine that “BJ Suck a Thon,” “Long Dong Black Kong” and “Interracial Semen Shooter 2″ hasn’t already uncovered and probed extensively.

NSFW case in point:

Hugh Hefner has been on an ass-acquiring rampage since being dumped by one of his generic blonde whores five days before they were to be married, and the latest addition to his harem is 25-year old Miss November Shera Bechard. Not to be confused with She-Ra: Princess of Power, alter ego of Princess Adora and He-Man’s twin sister. That chick is way cooler. The Daily Mail says of his latest acquisitions:

The Playboy mogul spoke on Twitter about his new love, Playmate and actress Shera Bechard. And at just 25-years-old she is a mammoth 60 years younger than the magazine publisher.

He tweeted: ‘Shera is both our November 2011 Playmate & my new girlfriend.’

Hefner has [also] been raving about [new girlfriend] Anna Sophia Berglund, who has spent time in the mansion and was the Playmate of the month in January 2011.

The 85-year-old seemed smitten with [both the] 25-year-old blonde bombshells.

Real She-Ra or not, from here on out I’m referring to the Playboy Mansion as “Castle Greyskull.” I’m pretty sure Hef’s already got the tiger and it’s a matter of time before he’s wandering around in nothing but a diaper.

NSFW:

Saturday was supposed to be the day that Hugh Hefner married his most recent blond replacement whore Crystal Harris, but her last-minute change of pocketbooks heart left Hef wife-less and alone. Except for the two new blond replacement whores that moved in less than 24 hours after what would have been his wedding day. The Daily Mail says:

Days after being ditched, the 85-year-old welcomed former girlfriends Karissa and Kristina Shannon back into the Playboy mansion.

Pulling up in a luxury white Mercedes, the twins confirmed the move. And in their tiny hotpants they looked sure to cheer up their former ‘boyfriend’.

Karissa even dumped her boyfriend, Smallville actor Sam Jones, in order to comfort Hefner.

So if one overly-tanned gold-digging skeeze was your problem, then two overly-tanned gold-digging skeezes must be the solution. I see. One of those “hair of the dog that bit ya” kinda things, maybe, or perhaps just a sure-fire sign of senile dementia.

Ex-replacement whore Crystal Harris in Vegas over the weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Everyone’s been speculating as to what went wrong between Crystal Harris and Hugh Hefner, but I bet none of you considered the fact that she had been planning the split for weeks and timed it in order to capitalize on a “I Left Hugh at the Altar” made-for-TV movie deal she was negotiating behind his back. Gold-diggers the world over tip their hat to you, Ms. Harris. This is the part where you golf clap and nod approvingly. Page Six says:

Hugh Hefner’s wedding to Crystal Harris was called off after she secretly planned to ditch the Playboy mogul at the altar in return for a $500,000 media deal.

Harris, 25, was shopping for a big-bucks deal to tell all after she ditched hapless Hef, 85, in front of 300 guests at their wedding at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday, to be filmed for a Lifetime TV special.

A source told us, “Crystal wanted to ditch Hef at the altar. Her plan was to walk up the aisle and say she couldn’t go through with it. The wedding was to be filmed for a reality special, and her refusal to marry him would be a sensation. She was looking for a tie-in deal of around $500,000 for the exclusive ‘I ditched Hef at the altar’ interview. While there was interest, Crystal didn’t get an offer anywhere near half a million.”

It is not known if the Sunday argument was sparked by Hef finding out about her plan to humiliate him.

The last-minute cancellation is unfortunate timing for Playboy, considering its July issue hits newsstands tomorrow with “The New Mrs. Crystal Hefner!” on the cover. The Daily Mail says:

‘Recent events call for a special sticker on the July cover. Look for it on newsstands,’ Hefner said on Twitter.

A big red sticker announcing ‘Runaway Bride In This Issue!’ covers most of Harris’ bottom half.

She is wearing his trademark sailor’s cap and smoking jacket, and holding a pipe.

A spokeswoman said the sticker would appear only on newsstand copies since issues have already been mailed to subscribers.

And with that crumbles the last vestiges of the playboy persona Hugh’s worked so many decades to cultivate. He’s not America’s swingin’ bachelor, flanked by beautiful women who adore him; he’s an unwitting punchline, a sad, old man that got cuckolded and played like cheap banjo, surrounded by whores who tolerate him for a chance at brief notoriety. Still being to wipe himself is about all he’s got going for him now.

The New Not Mrs. Crystal Hefner nude:

Dancing with the Stars veteran Karina Smirnoff’s Playboy cover has been released, along with one teaser pic (below) that’s supposed to pique your interest in seeing her nude. I don’t know about all that. Her body is fine and all, but she’s totally got a case of the man-face. Just look at that jawline. Slap some tights and a cape on her and she’s practically 1950′s Superman.

Dancing with the Stars veteran Karina Smirnoff (currently partnered with Karate Kid’s Ralph Macchio) will be baring her vatruškas the upcoming issue of Playboy magazine. The Daily Mail says:

The pretty brunette has posed naked for Playboy magazine – and will appear on the cover of the May issue.

The announcement was made by Hugh Hefner, who tweeted: ‘The May issue of Playboy is unforgettable with Dancing With The Stars’ Karina Smirnoff on the cover & nude inside.’

I know you’re thinking the same thing I am right now — Hugh Hefner tweets? I thought old people were afraid of computers. Just like they’re afraid of turning off their blinkers and recycling.

Karina looking slutty at some Christmas Girls Night Out last year:

I can guarantee you three things about the type of man that stocks his fridge with Playboy Energy Drink:

1. He wears $300 designer sunglasses… at night.

2. He can distinguish between six different types of whey protein powder

3. His pubes are his canvas, his razor his brush.

Playboy Energy Drink: because if there’s one thing masturbation’s been sorely lacking, it’s ginseng and vitamin B12!

I don’t know when Kelly Brook turned into a young Anjelica Huston, but I don’t like it. Not one bit:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Because her fifteen minutes is rapidly tick-tocking away, Jersey Shore’s Jenni “JWoww” Farley revealed she is posing for the December issue of Playboy. E! Online says:

Just how close is the Jersey Shore star to closing the deal to strip down for the mag—and just how undressed will she get?

“Final offer is standing,” JWoww [said]. “Hopefully, it will go through.”

In other words, it’s happening, people! JWoww smiled again, “I’d like to say so.”

Still on the table is how much she’ll actually show. “I don’t know yet,” she said. “It hasn’t been talked about yet.”

Really, Playboy? I dunno… she looks more like Reader’s Digest material to me. I just don’t see it.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Playboy’s Cyber Club released nineteen never-before-seen outtakes from Kim Kardashian’s 2007 shoot for the magazine, and Kim has since “reacted privately” by talking about it publicly. Yeah, it didn’t make sense to me either, but then I’m not a stupid cunt. Radar Online says:

The Keeping Up With The Kardashians star, who publicly expressed regret about doing the naked shoot, now has reacted privately about the new photos surfacing.

“Kim was really upset that the new photos were released,” a source close to Kim [said]. “She freaked out that they were out there, she didn’t think that they were going to be seen again.”

The socialite declared she was sorry she did [Playboy], and claimed she was “uncomfortable” posing for the revealing pics.

“She gets embarrassed about the photos and is trying to put that behind her,” the source said.

Oh, I’m sure “putting things behind her” really comes natural for Kim Kardashian. It’s the remembering she doesn’t always have to get on all fours and mug for the cameras that’s the hard part.

Slightly NSFW:

Playboy has forged into uncharted masturbatory territory with a 3D pictorial of World Cup chick Larissa Riquelme. Ooh, 3D. Funny, I thought real girls were already in 3D. Maybe if you spent less time building your badger-human hybrid character’s geomancing powers and modifying your slot cars, you’d find out what it was like to have someone beside you touching your wiener.

Just think how cool you’d look jerking it while wearing a pair of 3D glasses (NSFW):