Courtney Love’s life continues to sink ever further into her own self-made Hole of Suck. Look for her soon at bumming coins at your local gas station! Now Magazine explains,

Courtney Love’s crazy lifestyle is finally taking its toll. In a text to a friend, she said: ‘I’m f***ed now, dude. 
I have 120 bucks, my kid hasn’t had a decent meal and I’m getting evicted.’

The 45-year-old widow of Nirvana legend Kurt Cobain looked alarmingly haggard recently as she strolled near the New York Mercer Hotel, where she’s currently living.

Courtney has no means of paying her hotel bill after being denied access to the £750,000 trust fund set up for her daughter Frances, 17.

‘Courtney’s a complete shopaholic,’ says a source. ‘She’s been to counselling, but attended only one session. She’ll think nothing of blowing thousands like Michael Jackson did, but she hasn’t got his millions. She could end up on the street now.’

Last month, the ex-Hole singer revealed that she was living off the generosity of hotel staff, saying: ‘They’re the best staff in the world. When my bank account got frozen, we had $14.32 [£9] a week, so we lived off the kindness of strangers.’

It’s been revealed that Courtney owes £220,000 [$358,798] to American Express and is being sued by her security guards for missing payments totalling £38,000 [$61,974.20].

In April she employed ‘forensic accountants’ to track down and retrieve more than £19 million [$30 million] that she claims can’t be accounted for.

How exactly in holy hell do you misplace $30 million dollars? Like Oops, wonder what happened to my car keys, I’ve misplaced them. Except in this case, it’s like, Oops, I misplaced a fucking mountain of cash that probably weighs more than my drug-emaciated body. And therein lies the answer to the mystery. Congratulations, Courtney Love, you’ve had your hands on more money than the vast majority of us not-so-fortunate peasants will ever even get to look at, screwed up your life, probably ensured that your daughter will end up as fucked up as you, and blown your millions away on drugs and really bad clothes. I hope someone gives you a ribbon that says, “I Win at Sucking”.

With a recent string of cinematic stinkbombs and multiple stints in rehab, Lindsay Lohan finds herself in a position she’s never been in before (not the “Side Saddle Cowgirl” or “The Longbow,” obviously) — in the poorhouse. Gatecrasher claims

A pal of the cash-strapped actress tells us she has been openly asking friends for spending money. A separate source tell us Ariva - the quit-smoking tobacco lozenge she has been unofficially promoting - paid her a sum in the mid-five figures this week.

Lohan has been back in the headlines for her antics on the Italian island of Capri, where she was honored during the new year holiday at the annual film festival. One Italian journalist told the photo agency X17 that the supposedly sober starlet ran up a 500-euro ($736) bar tab in one evening.

Well, of course she’s fucking broke. It’s not like condoms and cigarettes pay for themselves, you know. Sorry, but there isn’t a some magical tree that spouts Trojans and Marlboro Lights by a babbling brook made of Herpecin CL. Like the abortion fairy and your anal godmother, these kinds of things only exist in fairy tales. I’m afraid she’s just another victim of Disney propaganda.

Captain Sober celebrating New Year’s Eve in Capri soberly: