Porn star Alex “Voodoo” Torres of sky-diving intercourse fame claimed on The Jim Richards radio show Friday that he had bedded actress Lindsay Lohan, even going as far as to insinuate that she had paid him for his services. I’ll pause here for dramatic effect. The Daily Mail says:

When Richards asked Torres for suggestions as to what questions he should dole out to Michael Lohan during an impending interview, the porn star said: ‘Ask him if he knows about that night I had with his daughter [Lindsay] while he was sleeping upstairs.’

As the radio host kept questioning the statements Torres was making, the porn star simply said: ‘I’m not joking… many of these Hollywood celebrities pay me a high price dollar to come and satisfy them.’

Richards attempted to clarify and pressed: ‘So you’ve been with Lindsay Lohan?’

Torres replied: ‘I’m saying that.’

Lohan’s representative Steve Honig [said]: ‘I don’t feel the need to respond to claims made by a porn star.’

I don’t buy it for a second. Not because I don’t think Lindsay Lohan would hire a hooker, but because there’s no way Lindsay Lohan could actually afford a hooker. Prostitutes get all kinds of huffy when you try to pay them in rock crystals and buddy brand cigarettes.

Arriving at the morgue for more community service last week:

Porn star Jenna Haze burrowed her face deep into Taylor Momsen’s crotch while she performed “Make Me Wanna” die with her band The Pretty Reckless at the House of Blues last night (FF to the 2:50 mark or it WILL make you wanna die), and all I could think when I saw it was “eh… whatever.” It’s a fully clothed porn star and the best you get is a little over-the-pants-groping and some halfhearted thrusting. I’ve seen Hanes Her Way commercials that were more risque than this crap.

Charlie Sheen’s porn star pal Kacey Jordan tried to kill herself last night. But instead of it being a cry for help, it was a desperate attempt at attention. Says TMZ,

Kacey Jordan–a porn star who partied with Charlie Sheen during his cocaine binge back in January — tried to kill herself last night … this according to police.

Law enforcement sources tell us … the Chicago Police Department raced to the Peninsula Hotel around 6:51 PM last night after receiving calls from the hotel after Kacey twittered several suicidal messages … saying she had taken a bunch of pills and alcohol and was waiting to die.

We’re told when cops got to the hotel, Kacey was sitting on her bed — with prescription pill bottles, broken glass and alcohol all over her room.

Law enforcement sources tell us Jordan had cuts and scrapes to her wrists and arms … but insisted the suicide messages were merely a publicity stunt.

While Kacey was talking to police, we’re told the porn star grabbed a corkscrew bottle opener … tried to run out of the room … and attempted to cut herself.

Cops eventually subdued Kacey before she could further harm herself and took her to a nearby hospital for a mental evaluation.

We’re told cops reported the incident as a non-criminal suicide attempt.

No word on Jordan’s condition.

At the point when the law enforcement determined that she was just doing it for publicity, I would say that they should have taken her to get her stomach pumped, prescription pills OD or not. But then she’s used to having things rammed down her throat, so there wouldn’t really be any fun in that.

Out in LA last month:

Charlie Sheen has had such success with rehab in the past that he’s doing this round of treatment at home. 9 out of 10 doctors agree, there’s nothing more therapeutic for an addict than putting him back in the same environment that fostered his addiction and surrounding him with all of his known triggers. TMZ says:

Charlie Sheen doesn’t have to travel far to get better — he’s doing rehab at home.

The expert and other professionals are coming to Charlie’s gated community in L.A. for privacy reasons. Many rehab facilities can be tricky when it comes to patients and others spilling secrets.

Yes, I can only imagine what would happen if embarrassing details of his life became fodder for the media. In other news, Radar Online is reporting that he’s blown half a million on hookers and porn stars in the last six months alone. And you can see why after you hear Kacey Jordan’s testimony to his virility and erotic finesse. E! Online says:

Exactly how was Sheen in the sack?

“It was OK,” Jordan tells us. “It didn’t last very long. Because he was so [fucked] up. When you’re that high…his performance wasn’t very long.”

By her count, [Sheen] clocked in at just over two and a half minutes. She alleges he later made some “excuses” for his abbreviated performance.

“It was a three-minute ordeal,” Jordan says of the hookup, which happened right before she left his house. “After sex we just sat in bed and he held on to me. He wouldn’t stop kissing my feet. He promised me he’d get me a Bentley.”

In his defense, her feet were probably the only part of her not crawling with herpes simplexes and papilloma viruses. And cuddling was probably the only thing that nobody had ever done to her before.

Charlie Sheen was quietly discharged from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center last night, but not before one of his people addressed the media to give them the low-down on what REALLY happened Wednesday night. Are you ready for it? Here goes. Extra says:

Charlie’s friend Steve Brodersen [says] the pain is the result of a hernia injury, worsened when Sheen laughed too hard at the TV.

Doctors tell Sheen he may need surgery to repair the hernia, for which he’s been treated in the past.

That’s just plain insulting. What kind of morons do they take us for? He’s in the hospital because he laughed too hard? Please. I’d sooner believe an alien baby clawed its way out of his body via his belly button. Which I’m not ruling out as a possibility, by the way. There was this one time in college that I woke up in a Waffle House bathroom without any pants. I won’t go into too much detail here, but suffice it to say there was plenty of evidence that I had been probed at some point in the night. Also my memory had been erased. And who other than aliens has that kind of power? Who besides an alien would use maple syrup as lubricant?

And speaking of lubricant, that reminds me — here’s the other lady Charlie was with the morning he was hospitalized. See if you can guess from her pictures what she does for a living.

UPDATE: As of late this afternoon, Charlie Sheen has voluntarily checked himself into rehab. For his problem with laughing. Makes total sense.

NSFW Melanie Rios:

One of the nice ladies who was with Charlie Sheen the night before he was hospitalized was the 22-year old star of such favorites as “Fuck My Mom and Me” and “Bohemian Buttfest,” Kacey Jordan. You might better recognize her from her snatch, seen here at Charlie’s house in the wee hours of the afternoon before he wound up unconscious in the ER. And just how does Charlie ply such delicate flowers, you ask? Hint: it’s not just cocaine and a chance to become the victim of assault and battery. Radar Online says:

Charlie Sheen promises to buy [the porn stars who service him] extravagant gifts.

His latest promise was made to Kacey Jordan, in the form of a brand new convertible Bentley.

“Ok for all the f**king haters… I’m getting a baby blue convertible Bentley next month so I dunno…HUSH fml,” the 22-year-old porn star wrote on her Twitter account Wednesday afternoon.

Seems Kacey may have gotten her hopes up in the aftermath of Charlie’s hospitalization – just like the porn stars that came before her, she’s hired a lawyer.

I wanna back up and just review that photo one more time. There are so many layers. Like an onion, only stinkier. Look past her puss and survey what’s on the table. First you’ll notice the can of Coca-Cola and a pack of smokes. Okay. That’s normal. But then there’s the disinfecting wipes. And… some Listerine. Hand sanitizer. Is that aftershave? And what the hell is that pink thing in the back? Throw in a pair of needle-nosed pliers and a car battery and you’ve got the sort of spread you’d expect to see after spending four hours bound and gagged in the trunk of an unmarked car. All that’s missing here is the shovel and a shallow grave.

Incredibly NSFW:

Despite blowing off a court hearing to promote the movie at Cannes, it’s looking like Lindsay Lohan won’t be starring in the Linda Lovelace biopic “Inferno” after all. Radar Online says:

Lindsay may not do the film as originally planned.

Lohan did not meet with [director Matthew] Wilder and his team when she returned to Hollywood during the weekend after getting a ‘day pass’ from the Betty Ford Center.

Wilder told RadarOnline.com: “We have a Plan B if she cannot film Inferno. We have had a great response from other people who really want the part too.”

This the first time he has admitted publicly that the film will go on with or without the troubled actress.

The actress has not signed off on her final contract which would bind her to the movie.

Oh, Lindsay is gonna be SO disappointed. Learning she’s been passed over for the part of Linda Lovelace will be really hard for her to swallow. Get it? Swallow? As in blow job? Believe me, that hurt me more than it hurt you. Now go to your room and think about what you’ve done.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Charlie Sheen’s little “date” with porn star Capri Anderson didn’t come cheap — apparently, it costs twelve grand to stick it in where dozens have trod before. Problem is, Charlie never actually paid for her services. Radar Online says:

“[Capri Anderson is] more than a porn star. [She's a prostitute]. And the price for the evening was $12,000.”

But the first time Charlie tried to have sex with Christina she demanded the money and when he couldn’t produce it, she stopped him.

“She told Charlie, ‘I’m not doing anything until I get my money first,’” the source said. “And then after they did more cocaine Charlie wanted to have sex and she demanded money. He couldn’t find his wallet and flipped out.

He thought she stole it, but his assistant, who was down the hall had it. That’s when Charlie flipped out and Christina fled into the bathroom and locked the door. He was pounding on it and that led to the series of phone calls with the police showing up.

Now she’s furious because he still NEVER paid her! And she’s determined to get her money one way or the other, so she’s shopping her story. Saying she’ll go to the district attorney makes her story more valuable she thinks and puts pressure on Charlie.”

Just to reiterate, she’s threatening to involve the legal system because Charlie didn’t pay her for her services as a prostitute. Good luck with that. I couldn’t even get the cops to show up when my boyfriend’s sister stole all my weed. Protect and serve my ass.

Attempting to reach her target heart rate (NSFW):

You might actually know the hooker Charlie Sheen locked in his Plaza Hotel closet the night he trashed his room in a drunken stupor. Or at least recognize her genitals. Small world, right? Radar Online says:

The woman has been uncovered as Christina Walsh — aka Capri Anderson, Alexis Capri, Stella Costanza and Capri Nubiles.

The 22-year-old has starred in a host of xxx videos, including Big Bust Cougars, Damn, She’s a Lesbian, Me & My Girlfriends, Amateur Angels 22, Barely 18: Spring Break and Lesbian Tendencies.

Multiple porn sources reveal her true identity is Christina Walsh, who once won first prize in a wet t-shirt competition, held in Miami.

I wonder if Charlie Sheen wore a top hat and a monocle while he was hittin that. With a broad as classy as the star of “Damn, She’s a Lesbian,” you’d almost have to. Anything else would be uncivilized!

In case the words “porn star” and “xxx” didn’t give it away, these pics are incredibly NSFW:

Polish porn star Violet Kowal has come forward to announce that she got railed by Mel Gibson no less than eight times while his then-mistress Oksana Grigorieva was pregnant with his child. However, Violet seems to have forgotten that she told The Enquirer Mel was “the best sex of her life,” because now she tells InTouch magazine that he was violent and aggressive and she feared for her safety the whole time they were fucking. According to InTouch’s press release:

Mel Gibson’s former mistress, Violet Kowal, claims that Mel was terrifying and threatened her life. “His threats scared me so badly,” Violet [says], “I left town and went into hiding for almost a month.”

In July 2009, after Mel was divorced but dating Oksana, Violet claims she got a call from the star. “I agreed to go visit him at his Malibu compound,” she explains.

The two had sex for the first time, though Violet was uneasy. “He didn’t want to use protection, but I insisted,” she says. “He seemed paranoid and anxious. He chain-smoked before and after we had sex. It was weird.”

Violet and Mel had “passionate” sex six more times, but she claims his dark side was bubbling under the surface. “He would get very aggressive and angry if I was not available,” she explains, “even yelling and demanding to come to my home when I refused to see him.”

In other news, Mel Gibson just didn’t threaten to burn down his mistress’ home on that tape — he also told her he was going to put her Russian ass in the ground. Radar Online says

She made the recordings and on one of them, Mel is heard telling Oksana, ‘I will bury you in the rose garden,’ which she believed to be a clear reference to killing her.

The rose garden threat is on the 30 minutes of tape submitted to a Los Angeles judge in their custody battle.

Detectives are looking into a January 6 incident in which Gibson is suspected of punching his ex-girlfriend, leaving her with broken teeth and concussion.

Investigators have already interviewed Grigorieva, who filed the complaint this past Monday.

After “I’m gonna bury you in the Rose Garden,” he goes on to say, “And then I’m gonna piss all over your grave. And then I’m gonna dig you back up so I can skull-fuck your corpse, and then I’m gonna take a shit in both your eye sockets and kick you in the stomach until your spleen comes outta your mouth. What time is dinner?” Just you wait and see.

And now for something not so ugly and disturbing, Ashley Greene in New York on Tuesday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame, Bauer-Griffin Online

David Boreanaz didn’t just bang the same slut that Tiger did last year — he also banged his very own porn star while he was married. And you thought Tiger’s days as a role model were over! Tsk, tsk. Nine MSN says

The Bones star hooked up with Gina Rodriguez – a 43-year-old mother of two/former adult film star [who goes by the name] Demi Della – several times after the pair met at a private party last Easter.

A source [says], “Boreanaz turned up at a party at the house and he ended up staying the night. Gina had the master bedroom and I saw him walking around (not fully dressed) the following morning. I had the room next-door and could hear them laughing and giggling.

I saw him at [her] house on at least three more occasions after that. She knew that he was married, but she didn’t seem to care.”

Boy, that David Boreanaz sure knows how to pick a winner, doesn’t he? That’s assuming Gina won “Most Convincing Female Impersonator” at a drag show in Jersey. They don’t give out any prizes for being a 43-year divorcee with two kids and skidmarks on your puss. I already checked.

Because Candice Swanepoel doesn’t go by the name Venus Envy or Honey Dijon:

More women have come forward this week claiming to have bedded sex-scandal-plagued Tiger Woods (whore left) and Jesse James (whore right). You might want to go ahead and Lysol your monitor before you read any further. The Daily Mail says

Adult film actress Devon James claimed her relationship with Woods lasted for two-and-a-half years.

The 29-year-old blonde said Woods paid nearly [six grand] for her and another woman to engage in a threesome.

Ms James [says Tiger] brought up his wife Elin Nordegren on their second meeting, telling her that she didn’t want to have sex very often.

She insisted she could back up her romantic connection to Woods with phone records.

What a classy dame right there. Put a swastika on that hat and a few more tattoos on her chest and she could have been underneath Jesse James a couple of times, too. Kinda like Melissa Smith, the chick on the right in the header shot. Star Magazine says

The sexy blonde stripper spills the exclusive details of her affair with the Jesse — including unprotected sex, kinky requests and intercourse on his office couch.

Melissa first made contact with Jesse online… in September 2006 (a year after he married Sandra) when he saw a photo of her on the Web site posing in front of a car at a West Coast Choppers party.

After a few exchanges, he introduced himself as Jesse James and gave his e-mail address with the name “Vanilla Gorilla” — the nickname Jesse goes by and Michelle referred to as well.

Soon after Melissa traveled to California, where they “ended up having sex on his couch,” Melissa [says].

And there’s sure to be more women to come. Us Magazine says

Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James cheated on her with other women besides tattoo model Michelle McGee.

“This is just the first person who has gone public,” one source [says]. “This is not an isolated incident. When Sandra is away, he gets bored.”

In fact, James’ infidelity has been an open secret among employees at his West Coast Choppers bike shop. James would regularly post Internet ads looking for “hot, tattooed biker chicks with big boobs,” says a source. “He sees their photos, answers the ads and invites the girls to his office.”

How could Bullock, 45, be in the dark about her husband of nearly five years?

“He is a whole other person when they’re together,” says a source. “She was completely duped.”

This just confirms my suspicion that women would rule the fucking galaxy if we didn’t keep falling in love with the jerkoffs we sleep with. Pussy makes the world go round. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry. It sells everything from automobiles to soda and seems to be the only reason most men get up in the morning. You can be fat, old, ugly, stupid — doesn’t matter, so long as you have a vagina. It’s the proverbial “carrot before the horse,” so to speak. As long as you’re willing to defile yourself with said carrot in front of a webcam while wearing a leather bustier and another woman’s ass as a hat. Only then will our dreams of an absolute gynocracy finally be realized, ladies!