Former Miss California Carrie Prejean made it sound like her sex tape was an isolated incident, but it turns out there are actually eight videos of Carrie working over her Holy of Holies, along with thirty nude photos of the pageant star. Radar Online says

She called the sex tape “the biggest mistake of her life.”

Now an investigation has uncovered that there are SEVEN more “biggest mistakes” of her life – all of them solo performances, just like the one sex tape that the religious beauty queen has admitted to. And there are 30 photos of Carrie, most topless, some showing everything, and most taken by Carrie using her reflection in a mirror.

She might have lost out on her pageant settlement because of those tapes, but porn company Vivid Entertainment is now offering Ms. Prejean a hefty settlement to sign over the rights to the video for public distribution. According to TMZ

Vivid honcho Steven Hirsch [contacted] Prejean’s lawyer, Charles Limandri, [and asked] to acquire the rights to distribute “erotic footage that Carrie Prejean produced for her boyfriend following their four day rendezvous in February 2007.”

In the letter, Hirsch tries tempting Carrie with this: “We would like to present Carrie with several options where she could certainly earn millions of dollars.”

[However, Prejean's] attorney says Carrie’s mom/rep says, “No, at any price.”

Given the nature of all this, I really enjoyed the following quote from her new book “Still Standing”: “God gave us our bodies, our temples of the Holy Spirit, and it’s perfectly right that we use them in ways where we can give glory to God.” Hell, I didn’t know masturbating was giving glory to God. Mom and Dad always acted like it was a sin. This is really going to change the way I do Mass.

Hello my babies, hello, my honies, hello, my ragtime GAAA-AAALS: It’s Abby! Or “Maria Conchita Alonza de la Piedad de Cavadas,” as I’ll be referring to myself until the statute of limitations is up. Thanks to my darling Sonya and Sarah for towing the line in my absence!

Anyhoo, your dreams are about to come true — you can finally see Lindsay Lohan in her very own hardcore porn movie! Well, kind of. Splash News says

The x-rated documentary-style comedy “Hustler’s Untrue Hollywood Stories: Lindsay Lohan” [stars] look-alikes of the actress and gal pal Samantha Ronson [and] follows ‘Lindsay’ as she struggles with her stormy on-off romance with Sam, goes in and out of rehab and tries to cover up wardrobe malfunctions.

Lindsay is played by redhead Scarlett Fay. The Hustler Video movie also sees her get advice from pal Paris Hilton (Eden Adams) and have a catfight with Scarlett Johansson (Nicole Ray).

The movie is reportedly so accurate that her own mother almost believed it was actually Lindsay. Until the (NSFW) scene where Ron Jeremy shot his load all over her face, that is. “Oh, come on,” Ms. Lohan’s quoted as saying. “Everybody knows the REAL Lindsay Lohan would never let perfectly good spooge go to waste like that! My girl’s a swallower!” Interestingly, I once used those exact same words in a toast at my sister’s wedding, but I didn’t get nearly as many laughs. I think it’s really all about the delivery.

UPDATE: Movie trailer after the jump!

97% of thumbnails monstrously NSFW:

(more…)

I haven’t read any of the Twilight series or seen the movie, mostly because I’m not a simpering moron or currently enrolled in high school (which I know is redundant, but I’m saying anyway in case any Twilight fans are reading this — work with me here). Anyway, the stupid New Moon movie poster has supposedly leaked, and the general consensus among fans has been OMFG IJPMP! GG 9 KPC4VR!!! OK! Magazine says

The folks behind New Moon… need to do a better job of keeping a lid on the secrets of the sure-to-be huge sequel to Twilight. First, a woman finds a copy of the film’s script in the trash, and now it looks like the first official poster for the movie might have been leaked.

The artwork… features a smoldering R-Patts being kept away from on-screen love interest Kristen Stewart by a glowering Taylor Lautner, all set in a very misty forest.

That is quite possibly the gayest thing I’ve ever read. Right after “On Hands on Dick: Virgin Sailors” and the script for “Episode I: The Phantom Menace.”

Less gay but equally disturbing (click image for NSFW) Octomom-themed porn “Coctomom” poster:

OctoMom Nadya Suleman’s penchant for having multiple people inside of her at once has sparked the interest of a hardcore porn company. According to TMZ

Major porn distributor Vivid Entertainment has just [offered Suleman] 1 million bucks to star in a skin flick of her own. Vivid [says] they’ll give her family full medical and dental insurance if she becomes a “contract girl”… meaning she’ll have to do multiple videos.

No word if Octo will take them up on the offer.

Too bad James Bond owns the rights to “Octopussy,” because that would be the best name ever for a Nadya Suleman porno. Hmmm… what about “Womb Raider,” then? “Mommy Ock Chockfull of Cock?” Ugh, I don’t know why I’m even trying. You’d probably have better luck making “There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe” sound sexy.

With six of her fourteen children at a local park:

Here’s your chance to finally smell like a porn star — adult film veteran Jenna Jameson is launching her own line of perfume. Wait, is latex considered a musky chypre or a woody floral? I guess we’ll have to wait and see. According to Gatecrasher

Porn star Jenna Jameson is cashing in on the celebrity perfume craze with her new fragrance, Heartbreaker. The scent’s name is taken from Jameson’s infamous backside tattoo, and each purchase will include a poster of the adult actress.

Frankly, I don’t know why you’d pay thirty bucks to smell like a porn star when you can totally smell like one for free. All you have to do is let a couple of dudes jizz in your hair and then spend the rest of the evening barfing up Southern Comfort in a Motel 6 bathroom. Or as I like to call it, “Friday night.” Call me, boys!

Super-pregnant at the Mix Martial Arts Affliction’s “Day of Reckoning” event in Anaheim:

I used to get high and watch “Passions” on NBC from time to time, just for shits and giggles. It was quite possibly the crappiest soap opera in recorded history. It was so bad that you almost had to figure they were in on the joke, and that maybe it was really some kind of parodistic masterpiece. Except it wasn’t. Anyway, I forgot where the hell I was going with this. Oh, yeah — the chick who played Beth Wallace on Passions is now a bonafide porn star. Dun dun dun! TMZ says

The former Miss USA 1991 is now a “Vivid Entertainment” girl — and has just wrapped on her first XXX feature, “Faithless,” in which she plays the lead character.

So, why the career move? Here’s the explanation — “I enjoy acting, and I really like sex … so this was the perfect opportunity to combine two of my passions.”

Let’s just hope her fucking isn’t as wooden as her acting! Unless we’re talking about the inevitable onslaught of penises, in which case “wooden” will probably do just fine.

At the “Nuts for Mutts” pet fair, presumably because “Nuts for Nuts-On-My-Chin” had not yet been invented:

For some unholy reason, a sex tape starring Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher and husband Lou Bellera is back in the news again today. You can suppress your gag reflex by biting hard into a wooden spoon or pressing your temples until you pass out. According to Bodog Beat

Amy and her husband apparently made the tape in 2007, however when the marital bliss between Fisher and Bellera hit a bump in the road, Bellera hawked the tape to L.A. porn peddler Red Light District Video. Fisher learned that the tape was in the wrong hands after she and Bellera reconciled and according to all reports, Fisher is “disgusted.”

Fisher filed a lawsuit against Red Light District and its owner, David Joseph, claiming copyright infringement and other damages. In early January 2008 Fisher announced that she had settled with Red Light and agreed to do a promotional appearance related to it.

Sorry for the lack of posts and the late start today, boys and girls. I haven’t vomited this much since, I don’t know… last Thursday, probably. But this time was different. I’ve spent the last 24 hours on the crapper cradling a bathroom trashcan and wishing I would just die already. And since you probably didn’t get the stomach flu for Christmas like I did, this was the only way I could think of for you to you feel as crappy as I do. Feel free to massage your anus with lighter fluid if the thumbnails aren’t chapping enough.

Some thumbnail links are NSFW (I’ll let you guess which ones, Einstein):

Rumors that there was a sex tape starring Christie Brinkley’s ex-husband Peter Cook boning a then 18-year old Diana Bianchi were confirmed yesterday. Peter Cook and a sex tape! Boy, I didn’t see that one coming! Can you guys give me a minute to collect myself? I’m just gonna pace around with a hand over my mouth and shaking my head in disbelief. Page Six says

[The Peter Cook sex tape] does exist. We were shown a series of stills from a video depicting Cook and Bianchi, both nude, having sexual intercourse on a brown love seat. They also show Bianchi performing a striptease… as Cook holds his crotch.

I’d wager the only time Peter Cook isn’t holding his crotch is when he has to use his jerk-off hand to write up another confidentiality agreement. I swear, that guy makes L’il Wayne look like a fucking amateur.

Professional porn star Lisa Ann is slated to play Alaskan governor and Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin in the upcoming skin flick “Who’s Naylin’ Palin.” I just hope this one’ll be more of a success than Larry Flynt’s other two ventures into political porn — “Hangin’ Brain with John McCain” and “Backdoor Biden on Big Butt Row.” Not the hits everyone expected. I guess the only time the term “old white men” doesn’t equal “revenue” is when there’s extreme nutsack closeups and airtighting involved.

P.S. Have a look at “Palin as President” here.

Digitial Spy reports,

A collage portrait of Paris Hilton made from porn magazines has gone on show at a New York gallery.

British artist Jonathan Yeo is behind the work, which was purchased by Damien Hirst ahead of last night’s opening.

A similar image of President Bush also forms part of the exhibition, reports The Associated Press.

A gallery spokeswoman said the Hilton portrait is titled “Paris, 2008″ and posters of it will be sold for $20 (£10.80) each.

Yeo is offering the star proceeds from the sale of the posters because she never received any money from the notorious 2004 sex video that starred her and then-boyfriend Rick Salomon, the spokeswoman said.

When trying to capture their subject, an artist is faced with the task of trying to find the medium that will best convey the vision the artist is trying to express. Hell, I couldn’t think of a better way to get at the very essence of what Paris is about: sticky pages from porn mags! The only way it could get any better would be to have a frame made out of unused condoms (because you know she doesn’t bother with those) and the packaging from Valtrex. What do you think Yeo used as glue? You decide.

Paris at her clothing line launch in Milan

Page Six is claiming that David Duchovny’s mysterious sex addiction is to internet porn, but Rush and Molloy have a different story. The real reason David Duchovny has checked himself into pervert prison? He “wantonly” cheated on wife Tea Leoni with floozies on the set of “Californication”

Earlier this week [on FoxNews.com], a friend of Duchovny’s scoffed at claims that [he] was unfaithful to [his wife], suggesting that [Duchovny] was hooked on porn.

But The National Enquirer reports that Leoni “finally caught him [cheating]. Tea gave him an ultimatum: ‘Get treatment or our marriage is over. At first, Duchovny tried to lie his way out of trouble, but eventually was overwhelmed with guilt and confessed.”

US Weekly concurs that Duchovny “has a history of indiscretions,” [claiming] he put the moves on an extra on Californication. “They ended up making out,” alleges a source. “She later heard this wasn’t the first time he’d taken special interest in an extra.”

I don’t know what to believe. Wasn’t there an episode of the X-Files where this ESP guy who could see how people would die in the future told Mulder that “auto-erotic asphyxiation wasn’t the way to go?” That would suggest he was probably more of a chronic masturbator. But there was also an episode of Californication that was about him having sex with lots of different women as many times as possible. Pretty much the whole series, yeah. So, following that school of thought, he’d be a whoremonger.

But what to make of those episodes of The Red Shoe diaries where he was always pictured walking alone down a set of train tracks? I’d say all signs point to “hobo-killer,” possibly “runaway circus clown with schizophrenia.” That definitely makes the most sense here. Three cheers for deductive reasoning!

Eat your breakfast yet? Prepare to get a visit from the Ghost of Breakfast Past. Pete Doherty will be debuting a tell-all biography home video today in an Austrian porn cinema. The Sun reveals,

The BABYSHAMBLES rocker, 29, is believed to discuss old flame KATE MOSS, 34, and addict pal AMY WINEHOUSE, 24, in the home movie, due to be screened in Graz.

A pal said: “Some of it is very revealing.”

Oooh, sexy. This is just about as erotic as a bowl of Jerusalem crickets and not as tasty. I swear I can’t understand what Kate Moss ever saw in this clammy freak of nature. He reminds me of those creepy marionette dolls that are in like every 80’s horror movie ever made. I’m totally making that up, because I won’t watch horror movies that have dolls or clowns in them, but if they did, they’d look just like him.

Can’t sleep, the clowns will eat me!