Here’s one that you may find hard to swallow (ha ha): Nadya “Octomom” Suleman is now open to doing porn–but with no touching. Yeah, I don’t know how that one works either. Says Daily News,

She’ll look, but won’t touch.

That’s the latest pledge Octomom Nadya Suleman is giving should she ever appear in a porn — reversing previous promises she’d never do a skin flick to financially support her 14 children.

“You know if the opportunity comes up, I’ll be the first to admit, I’m gonna eat my words because all that matters is that I can take care of my family,” she said Monday on HLN’s “Showbiz Tonight.”

But while she’s no longer swearing off X-rated films, she told HLN she “would not kiss somebody. I wouldn’t touch somebody.”

“I have had to make some very difficult decisions the year, and filing Chapter 7 was one of them,” Suleman said in a statement. “But I have to do what is best for my children and I need a fresh start.”

Earlier this month, she said on NBC’s “Today” show that she wouldn’t do porn. This was after she posed topless — with her arm across her chest — for a British magazine for a reported $8,000.

“I’m not going to allow my kids to be homeless. I’m terrified,” she said in a video justifying the spread.

But she also admitted to receiving $2,000 a month from the state of California, reneging on a prior declaration that she would never go on welfare.

It’s unclear whether Suleman will take up an offer that Vivid Entertainment honcho Steve Hirsch reportedly made in March, saying he’d pay $100,000 if she stars in three hardcore sex scenes. It’s a far lower price than the $1 million offer he dangled to her in 2009.

Put Octomom in a porn (Octopussy, anyone?) and you’re sure to see bodily fluids shooting left and right and long, hard poles. Of course, the bodily fluids will be projectile vomiting and the poles will literally be 10-foot poles, because I don’t see how anyone would want to get near that clown car uterus.

Bar Refaeli in screen caps for a commercial for her Under.Me lingerie line, as a peace offering:

It’s been almost a decade since WWE shemale Chyna unleashed her amateur sex tape onto an unsuspecting public, and now she’s decided to subject the masses to the monstrosity that is her genitals once again. TMZ says:

Vivid President Steve Hirsch [says] Chyna approached him months ago to breathe life into her XXX career — demanding to work with the biggest male porn star in the business.

Steve did her one better and hooked her up with the TWO biggest male porn stars in the business — Evan and Lee Stone — and together, the threesome shot a gnarly skin flick tentatively called “Backdoor into Chyna.”

The DVD is set for release in the near future.

The “two biggest guys in the business” is just code for “somebody who had a bigger dick than she does.” If you haven’t had the misfortune of seeing her tiny penis, I did a little digging (and then a little vomiting and crying in the fetal position) and found a screen cap for you, but be warned: it’s not suitable for work. Or school. Or anyplace where you might ingest food. It’s not suitable for the elderly, the criminally insane, those with heart conditions, back problems, or pregnant women. Viewing said photo may cause vomiting, nausea, diarrhea, heart palpitations, chills, numbness, hallucinations, temporary amnesia, paralysis and night terrors. You will not like them in a house, you will not like them with a mouse, you will not like her beefy clam, you will not like them, Sam-I-am. Click at your own risk.

Yeah, what the headline says. According to TMZ:

A hiatal hernia in his stomach — not an overdose — triggered the 911 call that landed Charlie in the hospital [early this morning].

The hernia located in Charlie’s stomach… causes acid and food to back up into the esophagus, [causing] “horrible, horrendous pain.”

Charlie will spend the night at the hospital.

So then this had nothing to do with it, then:

Charlie Sheen had a “briefcase full of cocaine” delivered to his home — and was using large amounts of the drug during the 36-hour bender that landed him in the hospital.

Sheen had 2 porn stars and several other women inside his home during the [two-day party] that started Tuesday night.

God knows you aren’t doing anything with your dick after downing a briefcase full of blow and two days’ worth of booze, so what the hell was he doing those last few hours? Oh, right — this:

[After] smoking cocaine continuously for hours, Charlie ended up in his theater room with one of the porn stars with whom he was partying. They watched 3 hours of porn as Charlie critiqued the action on the screen.

Charlie himself as a porn connoisseur. We’re told the porn star was “surprised” by the depth of Charlie’s knowledge.

You know, there’s a reason Grandma doesn’t snowboard and Superman isn’t a 55-year old man with full-blown cirrhosis. Charlie Sheen is too fucking old for this kind of shit. His liver can’t take much more. At this point, it’s got to be the size of a damn halibut. And it’s probably the same color and with almost as many teeth.

This must be what Oprah calls one one of those a-ha! moments.

PHOTO CREDIT: TMZ

Ashton Kutcher is unleashing his lawyers on Vivid Entertainment after they used his name to promote a sex tape starring his alleged mistress Brittney Jones (see her naked here). TMZ says:

Ashton’s lawyer’s have fired off a letter to Vivid Entertainment claiming they’re specifically pissed over a press release for the video, which says, “Ashton’s fans will undoubtedly enjoy seeing what the star himself may have experienced.”

Ashton’s lawyers claim Vivid is infringing on the actor’s “marketable celebrity identity value” — and promise they will unleash a legal nightmare against Vivid unless they stop associating his name with the Brittney Jones porn.

Yes, nothing piques a person’s interest like the prospect of seeing where Ashton Kutcher sticks his wiener. Who among us hasn’t lain awake at night fantasizing about the star of “Dude Where’s My Car’s” sloppy seconds?

Playboy skank Karissa Shannon has reportedly signed a deal with Vivid Entertainment that will allow for mass distribution of her sex tape with Sam Jones. Nine MSN says:

The 20-year-old made the tape with Smallville actor Sam Jones and both have now signed a deal in the ‘six-figure range’ with porn company Vivid Entertainment.

Vivid Entertainment boss Steven Hirsch said, “We are excited to finally distribute this amazing DVD. Not only is it extremely kinky for a celeb sex tape, Karissa is absolutely beautiful.

And as for Sam, let’s just say he’s no ‘Smallville’. This is sure to be one of our all-time best sellers.”

You better believe I would be on Karissa like a damn timber wolf on a titmouse. There’d be nothing but scraps of patriotic bikini and a couple of tufts of blond hair left when I got through with her. Think “sexual Tazmanian devil” meets “Love Hurricane.” Which, incidentally, is also my Mom’s CB handle.

Fledgling porn star Montana Fishburne graces the cover of this month’s As Is magazine, but I’m not sure whose ass the machines are feeding us here, because in real life her rear end looks like somebody stubbed out about twenty or thirty cigars on it. I didn’t even know you could have puss zits and taint zits, but hell if she doesn’t have those, too. Don’t believe me? Well, I’m about to show you the truth. But before you click, be warned: This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill and log off this site – the story ends, you wake up in your bed of lies and photoshop and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and click the link – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes. And it’s so deep you can practically see her cervix.

I’m trying to free your mind, but I can only show you the door… you’re the one that has to (very very VERY NSFW) walk through it.

In a culture where skanky behavior equals fame, Montana Fishburne, 19-year-old daughter of Laurence Fishburne, has decided to forgo hard work and is going to lie on her back (and every other position) instead. Says the Daily News,

Rather than submit an acting reel or attend auditions, young Montana Fishburne plans to use a sex tape to increase her profile and give her a foothold in the film industry.

According to a press release, Vivid Entertainment, which also distributed Kendra Wilkinson and Kim Kardashian’s sex tape, will handle the release of Montana Fishburne’s self-titled video, which is due out August 18th.

She said she was inspired by Kim Kardashian, who shot to instant fame after her own sex tape was made public several years ago.

“I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape by Vivid,” Fishburne said in the press release.” I’m hoping the same magic will work for me. I’m impatient about getting well-known and having more opportunities and this seemed like a great way to get started on it.”

“Montana made up her mind to make this DVD before we met her,” Vivid co-founder/chairman Steven Hirsch said. “She grew up in the entertainment business and was well aware of our company. In looking at the careers of many current leading female personalities, she saw a path to success and hopes to follow it.”

A YouTube interview of Montana Fishburne with adult actor Brian Pumper, one of her new co-stars, has been making Internet rounds.

“The scene was fun. It was sexy,” Pumper said of their work together. “She performed well.”

“It’s a step in a direction,” Montana Fishburne added of her motives for joining “the industry.”

*Sigh* The really fucked up part about it, is she’s right. Why bother with going to school and doing auditions and working towards something when you can just have sex on film? It worked for Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and who knows how many other useless twats who are famous for nothing but having wonky-eyed sex and getting peed on. I’ll have to comfort myself in the fact that none of them have any staying power or real careers to speak of. They’ll be replaced by other up-and-coming fame whores like Montana here.

Brian Pumper going on and on about “cream” and “pussy juice” and how she performed and how  you can’t tell it’s the bitch’s first time (language NSFW).:

New details are emerging about former Girls Next Door star Kendra Wilkinson’s sex tape, and get this — she’s “barely legal” in the video. Apparently that’s the pièce de résistance for guys who spend a lot of time jerking off. According to TMZ

The sex tape that Kendra Wilkinson claims she’s desperately trying to stop was shot back in 2005, right after Kendra turned 18.

Kendra has already admitted that she knew about the tape — which is now in the possession of Vivid Entertainment.

As for Kendra’s co-star, the mystery man was the former Playmate’s boyfriend at the time — definitely not Hef nor her husband Hank Baskett.

So how will she deal with such a gross violation of her privacy, you ask? By talking about it on her show, that’s how! Radar Online says

The gorgeous blonde is taking on the unapproved release of a sex tape, allowing the controversy to be filmed for her reality show.

Though her E! reality show Kendra was not in production, cameras will soon be rolling to capture all of the action since a source confirmed that the current drama will be represented on the show.

She’s already said she’s through getting naked and pregnancy hasn’t exactly been kind to her once kick-ass figure, so why the hell would anyone want to watch her crappy show? Oh, that’s right — she’s gonna talk about her sex tape! My, my, my. What impeccable timing. At first glance you’d almost think it was planned, since the tape is slated for release in May and the show’s season finale is May 9th, but that’s not the way Hollywood works. Not at all. If anything, Hollywood eschews this sort of behavior. “We believe in hard work and deep-rooted moral fiber,” they’re quoted as saying.

Look — I made a sweatshirt into a dress:

No, this isn’t the work of some junior high boy with Photoshop, and there’s nothing wrong with your monitor.  It’s more like the work of a plastic surgeon without the word “No” in his vocabularly. Porn actress Mary Carey’s chest looks like some little cartoon dude attached a bicycle pump to her boobs and went to town.  What’s funny is that without her boobs, she’d pretty much be straight up and down. She really doesn’t have any hips and her waist isn’t very defined, even though she’s very thin.  I guess in order to make it in porn she had to bolt those balloons to her chest. Well the good news is, if she’s ever in a car accident, she carries her own frontal protection.

Arriving at Katsuya:

Good morning kiddies, it’s Sonya today. Let’s play a word association game, okay? What do you think of when you hear the name John Mayer? Singer/songwriter? Ladies’ man? Giant man-puss? White supremacist dick? Pubes-face? Sometime in the near future, you may think, porn director. Says Digital Spy,

John Mayer has reportedly been approached to direct a porn film.

The Battle Studies singer is believed to have been offered a role shooting one of Vivid Entertainment’s upcoming X-rated titles after the 32-year-old said that it is his “dream” to shoot an erotic movie.

According to Contactmusic, the company’s founder Steven Hirsh sent Mayer a letter that read: “We believe your incredible talent and passion, which have touched so many, can translate into a highly erotic adult film. Your understanding of the dynamics of relationships would undoubtedly appeal to both men and women.

“I think that together we can create a highly unique breakthrough film that will appeal to your millions of fans. Please call me at your convenience so we can discuss our working together. We’re all enthusiastic about hearing about your vision.”

What he’s really saying is, “You’re a giant pussy and we’re hoping you can think of some really sappy sentimental elements to squeeze in there in between the polydactyl midgets and Mexican jumping bean buttplugs that will hopefully get us more female viewership.” Tell it like it is, I always say.

Former Miss California Carrie Prejean made it sound like her sex tape was an isolated incident, but it turns out there are actually eight videos of Carrie working over her Holy of Holies, along with thirty nude photos of the pageant star. Radar Online says

She called the sex tape “the biggest mistake of her life.”

Now an investigation has uncovered that there are SEVEN more “biggest mistakes” of her life – all of them solo performances, just like the one sex tape that the religious beauty queen has admitted to. And there are 30 photos of Carrie, most topless, some showing everything, and most taken by Carrie using her reflection in a mirror.

She might have lost out on her pageant settlement because of those tapes, but porn company Vivid Entertainment is now offering Ms. Prejean a hefty settlement to sign over the rights to the video for public distribution. According to TMZ

Vivid honcho Steven Hirsch [contacted] Prejean’s lawyer, Charles Limandri, [and asked] to acquire the rights to distribute “erotic footage that Carrie Prejean produced for her boyfriend following their four day rendezvous in February 2007.”

In the letter, Hirsch tries tempting Carrie with this: “We would like to present Carrie with several options where she could certainly earn millions of dollars.”

[However, Prejean's] attorney says Carrie’s mom/rep says, “No, at any price.”

Given the nature of all this, I really enjoyed the following quote from her new book “Still Standing”: “God gave us our bodies, our temples of the Holy Spirit, and it’s perfectly right that we use them in ways where we can give glory to God.” Hell, I didn’t know masturbating was giving glory to God. Mom and Dad always acted like it was a sin. This is really going to change the way I do Mass.