Page Six is claiming that David Duchovny’s mysterious sex addiction is to internet porn, but Rush and Molloy have a different story. The real reason David Duchovny has checked himself into pervert prison? He “wantonly” cheated on wife Tea Leoni with floozies on the set of “Californication”

Earlier this week [on FoxNews.com], a friend of Duchovny’s scoffed at claims that [he] was unfaithful to [his wife], suggesting that [Duchovny] was hooked on porn.

But The National Enquirer reports that Leoni “finally caught him [cheating]. Tea gave him an ultimatum: ‘Get treatment or our marriage is over. At first, Duchovny tried to lie his way out of trouble, but eventually was overwhelmed with guilt and confessed.”

US Weekly concurs that Duchovny “has a history of indiscretions,” [claiming] he put the moves on an extra on Californication. “They ended up making out,” alleges a source. “She later heard this wasn’t the first time he’d taken special interest in an extra.”

I don’t know what to believe. Wasn’t there an episode of the X-Files where this ESP guy who could see how people would die in the future told Mulder that “auto-erotic asphyxiation wasn’t the way to go?” That would suggest he was probably more of a chronic masturbator. But there was also an episode of Californication that was about him having sex with lots of different women as many times as possible. Pretty much the whole series, yeah. So, following that school of thought, he’d be a whoremonger.

But what to make of those episodes of The Red Shoe diaries where he was always pictured walking alone down a set of train tracks? I’d say all signs point to “hobo-killer,” possibly “runaway circus clown with schizophrenia.” That definitely makes the most sense here. Three cheers for deductive reasoning!

Eat your breakfast yet? Prepare to get a visit from the Ghost of Breakfast Past. Pete Doherty will be debuting a tell-all biography home video today in an Austrian porn cinema. The Sun reveals,

The BABYSHAMBLES rocker, 29, is believed to discuss old flame KATE MOSS, 34, and addict pal AMY WINEHOUSE, 24, in the home movie, due to be screened in Graz.

A pal said: “Some of it is very revealing.”

Oooh, sexy. This is just about as erotic as a bowl of Jerusalem crickets and not as tasty. I swear I can’t understand what Kate Moss ever saw in this clammy freak of nature. He reminds me of those creepy marionette dolls that are in like every 80’s horror movie ever made. I’m totally making that up, because I won’t watch horror movies that have dolls or clowns in them, but if they did, they’d look just like him.

Can’t sleep, the clowns will eat me!

In an attempt to get Ali Lohan’s movie career rolling, mother Dina sent her 14-year-old daughter to a meet-and-greet with a porn producer. According to MSNBC

In [last Sunday's] episode [of "Living Lohan,"] Ali appears at a casting call for a role in the upcoming horror flick “Troll.” One of the men [she interviewed with while she was there] was Peter Davy — the man-behind-the-cam on “Breast Wishes 14,” “Texas Crude” and “Bun Sisters 12” — a fact that publicity-loving momager Dina was supposedly unaware of until TMZ broke the news.

Mama Lohan [is reportedly] steaming mad and “ready to roll heads,” about the mix-up.

There are certain types of hairless rats kill their young immediately after birth. Of course, they kill because of the same genetic anomaly that makes them hairless also makes them unable to lactate. Dina Lohan doesn’t have any excuse.

Ali in Barely Legal Teen Vogue:

Day one of the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook divorce trial yielded some seriously salacious gossip yesterday. According to Us Weekly

Cook, 49, recalled how he frequently had sex with Diana Bianchi, then 18, in his office and at homes owned by Brinkley. He said he gave Bianchi spending money, and [later] paid her $300,000 to quiet.

Cook [also] spent $3,000-a-month on web porn… and tearfully admitted to pleasuring himself in front of a Web cam.

How the hell do you spend three thousand dollars a month on internet porn? Thanks to vindictive ex-boyfriends and RapidShare, you can see all the vaginas you want these days for free. It just doesn’t add up. I did the math, and at $29.95 a pop three times a day for 30 days, you’re left with: negative six penises and four sets of hands. No, really. Check the figures. The only way that kind of bill makes any sense is if you’re working with a half dozen extra wieners and four additional sets of hands. That Peter Cook guy is some kind of freak.

Christie unveiling the Swarovski Star last year: