Sep 4, 2009
From the producers of (NSFW) “Coctomom,” I give you the porno parody of TLC’s hit show “Jon and Kate Plus 8″: “Jon and Kate Fuck Eight.” You’re welcome. According to AVN Business
“In our movie they go to marriage counseling and come out with the suggestion that maybe they should go out there and bang other people, so they do and then it turns out that after they sow their wild oats that they are meant to be together,” he said. “It’ll probably be true to life.
Riley Evans stars at Kate and Frankie Young plays Jon in the feature, which also includes Amy Starz, Evie Delatosso, Kristy West, Ashton Pierce, Ralph Long, Jenner and Alex Gonz.
The DVD will hit the streets on Sept. 14.
Coming out with a good porno title is harder than it looks. I tried to think of a few on my own, like “Jon and Kate Titilate” or “Jon and Kate Ejaculate,” but they really didn’t do it for me. So I dug even deeper and came up with “Jon and Kate Conjugate” (think a prison backdrop with sexy guards and group shower scenes) and “Jon and Kate Urinate.” That one’s really tailored for a more specific audience, but you have to admit it’s still catchy. Now I just copyright them and wait for the Adult Video Networks to come callin’ and my dreams of thousandaire-dom can finally come true!
More of Jon getting the “fuck eight” part down at his pool party last weekend:
Jul 15, 2009
Hello my babies, hello, my honies, hello, my ragtime GAAA-AAALS: It’s Abby! Or “Maria Conchita Alonza de la Piedad de Cavadas,” as I’ll be referring to myself until the statute of limitations is up. Thanks to my darling Sonya and Sarah for towing the line in my absence!
Anyhoo, your dreams are about to come true — you can finally see Lindsay Lohan in her very own hardcore porn movie! Well, kind of. Splash News says
The x-rated documentary-style comedy “Hustler’s Untrue Hollywood Stories: Lindsay Lohan” [stars] look-alikes of the actress and gal pal Samantha Ronson [and] follows ‘Lindsay’ as she struggles with her stormy on-off romance with Sam, goes in and out of rehab and tries to cover up wardrobe malfunctions.
Lindsay is played by redhead Scarlett Fay. The Hustler Video movie also sees her get advice from pal Paris Hilton (Eden Adams) and have a catfight with Scarlett Johansson (Nicole Ray).
The movie is reportedly so accurate that her own mother almost believed it was actually Lindsay. Until the (NSFW) scene where Ron Jeremy shot his load all over her face, that is. “Oh, come on,” Ms. Lohan’s quoted as saying. “Everybody knows the REAL Lindsay Lohan would never let perfectly good spooge go to waste like that! My girl’s a swallower!” Interestingly, I once used those exact same words in a toast at my sister’s wedding, but I didn’t get nearly as many laughs. I think it’s really all about the delivery.
UPDATE: Movie trailer after the jump!
97% of thumbnails monstrously NSFW:
(more…)
May 19, 2009
I haven’t read any of the Twilight series or seen the movie, mostly because I’m not a simpering moron or currently enrolled in high school (which I know is redundant, but I’m saying anyway in case any Twilight fans are reading this — work with me here). Anyway, the stupid New Moon movie poster has supposedly leaked, and the general consensus among fans has been OMFG IJPMP! GG 9 KPC4VR!!! OK! Magazine says
The folks behind New Moon… need to do a better job of keeping a lid on the secrets of the sure-to-be huge sequel to Twilight. First, a woman finds a copy of the film’s script in the trash, and now it looks like the first official poster for the movie might have been leaked.
The artwork… features a smoldering R-Patts being kept away from on-screen love interest Kristen Stewart by a glowering Taylor Lautner, all set in a very misty forest.
That is quite possibly the gayest thing I’ve ever read. Right after “On Hands on Dick: Virgin Sailors” and the script for “Episode I: The Phantom Menace.”
Less gay but equally disturbing (click image for NSFW) Octomom-themed porn “Coctomom” poster:
Mar 25, 2009
Kim Kardashian and her zip code-owning ass are all in a tizzy because the geniuses over at Hustler think that people would rather watch a spoof of Keeping Up with the Kardashians than the real thing. ‘Course, add in sex, and you’ve got a bona fide weiner winner! TMZ reports,
Sources tell TMZ the entire Kardashian family is “taking legal action” against Hustler Entertainment after learning about the XXX spoof of their reality show which the smut peeps creatively titled, “Keeping it Up For the KardASSians.”
We’re also told the people at E! Entertainment are also considering their legal options — it might be because the signature “whistly theme song” in the porno sounds awfully similar to the one in the show.
Word is that Kim didn’t feel there was enough degradation going on for the porno to ring true. More pee, I need MORE PEE!
Screenshots from the porno teaser:
Feb 25, 2009
OctoMom Nadya Suleman’s penchant for having multiple people inside of her at once has sparked the interest of a hardcore porn company. According to TMZ
Major porn distributor Vivid Entertainment has just [offered Suleman] 1 million bucks to star in a skin flick of her own. Vivid [says] they’ll give her family full medical and dental insurance if she becomes a “contract girl”… meaning she’ll have to do multiple videos.
No word if Octo will take them up on the offer.
Too bad James Bond owns the rights to “Octopussy,” because that would be the best name ever for a Nadya Suleman porno. Hmmm… what about “Womb Raider,” then? “Mommy Ock Chockfull of Cock?” Ugh, I don’t know why I’m even trying. You’d probably have better luck making “There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe” sound sexy.
With six of her fourteen children at a local park:
May 30, 2008
Viewers were outraged by a scene in the premiere episode of E!’s “Living Lohan” that showed mother Dina watching a sex tape of a Lindsay look-alike in front of her 14-year old daughter Ali, going as far as to suggest Dina was guilty of child abuse. The NY Post says
“Last time I checked, allowing a child to watch porn is against the law,” one viewer commented. Another asked, “Does anyone besides me think it’s weird that Dina showed her daughter [such images]?”
The former Justice Department chief of the child exploitation and obscenity section said, “It’s inappropriate but probably not illegal. If there was a situation where a mother was regularly exposing her child to pornography, it would be a concern for state child welfare agencies.”
I don’t see what’s so weird about it. So a daughter walks in on her mom watching a tape of her sister give some dude a blowjob. Who hasn’t had that happen once or twice in their lives? Where it really gets awkward is when you walk in on your mom and dad making their own porno. Especially once you realize your mom is not only taking it from dad but from Mr. Dinkleberg next door and they’re using your canopy bed for the wide-angle shot. And no matter what they try to tell you, that is NOT the way you’re supposed to play “Monkey in the Middle.” Try that during fourth grade recess and see how far you get.
Fast forward to the 3:15 mark if you can’t stomach watching all of it.
Lindsay with Ali in New York on Tuesday:
Apr 2, 2008
Hardcore video of burlesque queen Dita von Teese cavorting with two scantily-clad females hit the net yesterday, and Wonderbra, who had just chosen Dita to be the face of their lingerie company, is none too happy about it. The Sun says
In one scene the former wife of Marilyn Manson romps with a leggy beauty with a sex toy. The sleazy flick — shot before she rose to fame — will shock lingerie bosses. It is a blow to Wonderbra who only launched her as the new face of their famous push-up bra last month. They hoped Dita would enhance the company’s clean-cut image by designing her own limited edition collection.
Wonderbra declined to comment.
A good rule of thumb, ladies, is whenever you’re naked on film, don’t let the cameras stop rolling until you’ve yelled “They’re holding a gun to my sick grandmother’s head just off screen! I’m doing this against my will!” at least once. That way, when the video is inevitably leaked online, you can spin it as the harrowing tale of a woman overcoming the odds and doing whatever it takes to save the life of her cancer-stricken Gam-Gam instead of the shameful escapades of a drunken freshman slutting it up with two of her sorority sisters and while most of Sigma Chi watches. Trust me, you’re gonna thank me later for this.
EDITOR’S NOTE: The Sun may have made this out to be a little more shocking than it actually is, because apparently the clip is classic fetish Dita from Andrew Blake’s Pinups 2, which Dita (NSFW) actually sells on her own website. Gasp!
See a clip of th INCREDIBLY NSFW video here here.
LSFW body paint shots:
